Am I an evil stepmother

[brownsugarbabe]

I hvae a seven year old stepdaughter, who we have been seeing for a just a year now on and off. DH was out of contact because his of his ex's behaviour since SD was one year old.

DH and I have one DS aged 3.5.
The first few visits were OK, with SD being relatively affectionate, but sometimes moody. The main reason is that I don't like the way she soemtimes ignores DS when he is talking to her. Sometimes she plays with him really well, then she will jsut suddenly switch off and go into one of her moods. I know she does it to get attention but I really don't want to reward that behaviour, and DH and I have agreed that unless she can try and communicate what is bothering her, we will not reinforce her sulky behaviour.
I worry about DS and the effect all this has on him. He is an affectionate and communicative child. SD is not affectionate with him at all and does not hug or cuddle him or even hold his hand - but she seems to want to court affection from me or DS.
I am on the verge of telling DH not to let her come here again, and we will meet with her and take her on trips instead. However on the last trip, she spoilt the whole thing with one big long sulk, all the way down the Thames, round Greenwich Market and back!
Lately I have found her sulks and the way she treats DS intolerable and I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her. Which is why I am up here typing this.
When DH phones her, she tells her mum she is busy and won't come to the phone - which is disappointing for DS who is really excited to talk to SD.
My reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent. Perhaps she feels a bit sad about this - but her moods are almost like she doesn't want to try and enjoy the time she has with DH and us.
SD has the benefits of my husband's extended family, who are all estranged from us because he left his ex to be with me. WHich means DS has no contact with any of them.

You are absolutely bloody right.

I don't think stepmothers can ever win.

We have to treat the kids as though they are our own but always remember they are not.

My dh's ex and he split 8 years before he and I met (she was the one having an affair) and yet she went ballistic when we decided to get married.

Perhaps she was used to having him at her beck and call whenever she liked ?

Having said that (and I still can't stand the horrible woman) it can't be easy being a single mother with no partner for emotional support. She must also struggle not to feel jealous as I get on well with her children.

I promise I'm not always so nice and benevolent towards people who make my life a misery but it's probably cos I'm pregnant!

Silkcushion - that's terrible. It is absolutely none of her business that you and her ex choose to get married. Were your stepchildren fine with it?

Blimey - I hope never to be either a step mum or a single mum. They both sound a tough old slog tbh

"Soapbox the point is that when you are a step-child, you are a guest to a certain extent."
that's an AWFUL thing to say!
I have a stepdaughter I've known since she was six - ten years. She is NOT a guest. She does not say 'thank you for having me' if I can stop her!
Little girls of six and seven need a lot of love and cuddles, and are likely to be sad in an unfamiliar environment. Your dh and his daughter should have plenty of one on one time.
You should NOT expect your sdd to feel the same way about your ds as you do. You are his mother, she is his sibling. Siblings ignore each other, tease each other, despise each other and fight each other! It is all part of the sibling repertoire even if they really love each other. She is also only very little. YOu may see her as older because she is older than your ds, but she is a small child, just like he is. It's not her job to fawn on him. Don't fall into the trap of 'defending' your child from his sister's normal behaviour.
Don't pigeonhole her - ie 'she's not affectionate'. She may be hugely affectionate with her mother and other family. With you she is in a difficult situation. Seeing her less would be a disaster for her IMO.
Your ds has a full time father AND mother. This little girl doesn't.

But to be fair single mums, tough job though it is, tend not to get the blame thrown at them. Whereas absent fathers and stepmothers might as well be the spawn of the devil.

The children were really looking forward to the wedding last summer but she really ruined it for them and nearly for us too.

She gave them a really hard time about it. Lots of strain for them to take they were 10 and 11 at the time.

She rang and left abusive answerphone messages for us when the kids were staying at our house in the summer holidays. We came home from the cinema, pressed play on the answerphone and all 4 of us heard her call me a effing C*nt who was trying to steal her children.

I don't want her children. I get on well with them but they aren't mine and I'm not sure how I would cope if they lived with me permanently.

What really annoyed me is both those kids cried themselves to sleep that night after hearing what she had said. It was a week before the wedding and they begged me in the morning not to hate their mum as she was just feeling stressed out!!

How can you do that to yr own kids?

Sometimes you just need to act an emotion and you can surprise yourself by really feeling it. Tell yourself you love her and are lucky to have her and act accordingly.
How lucky you are to have a big sister for your little boy. How lucky he is to have a big sister.
She should definitely have her own room btw.

Indeed Silkcushion. I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like she's very bitter, but she has a duty to her children to accept the situation and move on.

True Twinkle

I also have duty to her children to move on and not get annoyed by it.

But I'd love to let rip at her (just once)

I won't though cos it would upset the children and she'd probably stop access visits.

I hope she finds some happiness in her own life cos then everyones life will be easier

It sounds like you're handling it very well.

Not really Twinkle
but it's hard to stay angry at someone for such a long time. Also my DH is a very calm and rational man. It helps to have someone there to put things in perspective.

I must be really lucky in that I get on well with my dh's ex, in fact she came to our wedding (dss was a page boy and a very cute one at that). But then their relationship wasn't bery serious and she fell pg as they already decided to split up (he wanted to move south as no job opportunities where they lived and she wished him Bon Voyage!).
SO there's never been and rancour between them, as they stayed friends.

Well my parents tried to get remarried on the same day! My dad phoned my mum to ask if he could have us for that weekend and she said "no, I'm getting married" and he said "Ah. So am I". She'd already got a restaurant booked whereas he was having the reception at his parents' placed, so he gave way graciously and got married the Saturday before.

He admitted to me many years later he thought my mum might be being difficult for the sake of it, but knowing my step-dad better he could see he was Mr Uber-Organised and that they really did already have a restaurant booked.

haven't read all the thread but think that perhaps you need to give her time alone with dh. Think a lot of her behaviour might stem from her feeling rejected by him and feeling insecure about his feelings for her. Dh needs to rebuild this trust.

oh dear this has detriorated - to be fair to chicken - and I have just re-read whole thread - OP did say that her DP had LEFT his family for her (and later on that it was a 13 year relationship and he left exP with a 4 week old) so not knowing whole story does sound pretty shitty to me and not sure fair to blame exP for this (unless she was terribly abusive/drug addict/alcoholic etc then why he left new born with her would be beyond me - so logical assumption is OP DP had affair with her and left is exP and new baby for her??) so as someone recently cheated on can understand chicken post...
I know this is not the place for it - but lilewise you have all just blamed and tarred exW/exP with same brush as evil women who drove their P away and the treats him badly...if my (D)H did ever move in with OW (unlikely) I can say with all honesty I would not be able to be civil to her (she chased a married man lied to me about me got PG on purpose and made my life hell ruined my marriage and destroyed a little girls relationship with her father) - I would not want my DD to have anything to do with her...if however once we are properly split my (D)H meets and moves in with someone else then I guess I could deal with that better...
Gosh long but in summary some exW/P are not to blame and some are - some SM are marriage wreckers and get what they deserve and some are trying to do a difficult job as best they can ...

Well, I underline what I told yesterday. I understand it must not be easy to be a stepmother, and perhaps there are some of them who make a great job with the children. But when a stepmother is the cause of a broken marriage I DO think they deserve to be hated by the children of the wife of the men they are living with. Be honest and put yourselves in the minds of the children. It must be hard to see your mum with a brokenheart and your father meeting with another women as if it was nothing. Perhaps you find some guilt inside of you and that´s because you don´t like to hear the truth.

An apology would be nice, Chikenmother, to all those perfectly innocent stepmothers who you tacitly accused of being marriage wreckers.

And what about when the mother hooks up with another man after kicking out her husband and then expects the kids to call him Dad. What's your take on that one Chikenmother?

Twinklemegan, that is exactley the same error, of course. What I Mean is that being married to someome who has kids of othe woman/man and pretend it is an easy thing to the children is wrong. I referred to marriage wrackers and only to those. But I fail to understand people who remarry several times and live quite well with the sorrow of those left behind. Those familys with several children of several mothers and fathers may seem very well and happy but I think they are not truly happy. Sorry for those who are offended...

OK Chikenmother. Interestingly though, my stepchildren were and are really happy that DH finally found happiness and are delighted with their new little bro. We did have an "ishoo" for a while with the youngest who thought DH wouldn't love her as much, but that was soon resolved. Their problems were much more with the bloke that their mother moved in and then married an indecently short time after splitting with DH. I think they have strangely found it easier to get on with him since DH met me. They don't feel quite as guilty I think.

Sorry, don't know where the face came from there. It must have been subconscious - I'm feeling a bit that way at the moment.

This is interesting for me to read as I am PG with my first child and DH's youngest daughter is seven. Fortunately we get on well together and she has never exhibited any resentment - prob as her folks were already seperated when I came along and her Mum and I get on - we're not friends but we all went to a wedding recently. SD divided her time pretty well between us all - it was so civil it was almost weird! I do empathise with you BSB - stepmothers need the patience of a saint and more.

I'll think you'll be okay. There comes a point where you realise they are too young to process their feelings or articulate them, and sulking/moods are the only way they know to express themselves. You stop taking it personally and then its much easier to deal with, though being a SM is never easy. Best of luck!
By the way we havent told the SK's yet, but youngest SD has already asked if we have a child will we love it more than her? Of course we said no and will continue to reinforce that.

Brownsugarbabe

I don't think you are being the "evil stepmother" but I do think that you need to remember that she is a child. If she was your child and she was ignoring DS then you would have to find a way to deal with it.

I know this is going to surprise you but siblings are mean to each other. I have four and the oldest is my stepson, and they can all be mean to each other. Not a day goes by that one doesn't come in complaining and sometime even crying, because on of the others did something rotten to them.

I understand that you love DS and seeing him treated poorly makes you feel protective. Maybe SD feels jealous or even sad over the affection she sees DS getting and doesn't know how to express it. Try to remember little minds are hard to understand. If you maintain a good relationship with SD, it is going to benefit everyone.

My stepson has lived with us for seven years and there are still rough days. But I love him.

Only read OP but I think you have to remember your step-dd is only seven years old. Parents of younger children often judge the behaviour of older children quite harshly. Then when yours turns seven you suddenly look back and realise your step-dd wasn't particularly unusual, after all. Remember when your ds was a baby and toddlers at M&B groups seemed really loud and boisterous?

She's probably insecure esp. as the relationship with her father is still quite new. And she can see her dad has a cosy family set up that excludes her - even if you aren't trying to exclude her, from her POV, the fact her dad has another wife and a small child makes her an outsider in her own family. Just be kind and understanding and try to act as you'd hope your child would be treated should they ever become someon's stepchild.

I also only read the OP. You need to be tolerant and patient. Your SD is feeling very insecure and understandably so, she probably hears negative things about you at her mums and finds it hard to put this with the positive she obviously feels (if she wants affection from you she obviously likes you!). My SD was 6 when I got together with my DH (he had left her mum for me too) and she was very much the same as you describe, except she would try to play me and DH off against each other and was very manipulative. When DD1 was born she was very very jealous, I found this very hard, as DH was trying to balance the excitement of being a father again with how SD was feeling. This made me feel quite jealous and emotional. Fortunately (or unfortunately!?) I'd had a step father (who was an arse) and so had some experience of how it feels to be an SD, so tried very hard to be understanding - I talked to her about how she was feeling and explained it was a normal way to feel, but she should look on the postive side - here was another sister to love her etc etc. Eventually she came round and is now an affectionate lovely sister to DD1 and DD2 (who are 2 & 3, she is now 10) - she still has her moments, but we are open about it and talk it through. So stick with it, remember you are the adult (although you will sometimes feel like a child in all of this)and try to put yourself in her shoes, be affectionate and open but firm if she behaves badly - just as you would with your own children.