Am I an evil stepmother

[brownsugarbabe]

I hvae a seven year old stepdaughter, who we have been seeing for a just a year now on and off. DH was out of contact because his of his ex's behaviour since SD was one year old.

DH and I have one DS aged 3.5.
The first few visits were OK, with SD being relatively affectionate, but sometimes moody. The main reason is that I don't like the way she soemtimes ignores DS when he is talking to her. Sometimes she plays with him really well, then she will jsut suddenly switch off and go into one of her moods. I know she does it to get attention but I really don't want to reward that behaviour, and DH and I have agreed that unless she can try and communicate what is bothering her, we will not reinforce her sulky behaviour.
I worry about DS and the effect all this has on him. He is an affectionate and communicative child. SD is not affectionate with him at all and does not hug or cuddle him or even hold his hand - but she seems to want to court affection from me or DS.
I am on the verge of telling DH not to let her come here again, and we will meet with her and take her on trips instead. However on the last trip, she spoilt the whole thing with one big long sulk, all the way down the Thames, round Greenwich Market and back!
Lately I have found her sulks and the way she treats DS intolerable and I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her. Which is why I am up here typing this.
When DH phones her, she tells her mum she is busy and won't come to the phone - which is disappointing for DS who is really excited to talk to SD.
My reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent. Perhaps she feels a bit sad about this - but her moods are almost like she doesn't want to try and enjoy the time she has with DH and us.
SD has the benefits of my husband's extended family, who are all estranged from us because he left his ex to be with me. WHich means DS has no contact with any of them.

Listen I have times I really don't want to be round my own children, that is natural and normal.

What isn't though, is if you treat her worse than you would your own and make her feel like a supplicant in her own home (because your home is her's you know) when she should feel like a full member of the family.

She's feeling her way. How you respond to her, will determine how she fits into your family - you have a lot of control over this (although it may not feel as if you have) so you need to use it well.

I don't think you are evil - but I don't think you are being particularly nice to your SD either

She is a tiny little child - yes she seems older to you, as you only have a toddler but she is very young and deserves more empathy and sympathy from the adults around her.

You write as if your DS is the centre of the universe and all others should bow down to his needs and demands. This isn't normal family life - siblings squabble and fight all the time in a normal household. My DD certainly spends very little time listening and fawning over her younger brother. I know that they both need attention and I make sure that I give it to them. In time I hope that the realise that they are not rivals for their parents' time, but for now it is how it is.

It seems to me as if you want to play happy families - where only perfect family time exists. I think these families are only really seen on the TV ads - it isn;t real life!

My advice to you would be to drop the little emperor syndrom surrounding your own child, and make your SD the centre of the universe while she visits - with lots of time alone with her Dad - your DS afterall has the rest of the week with him. Then once she is more settled, start to rebase the balance of time gradually so that they are both rewarded for behaviour which is nice to each other.

I'd lower your expectations of your SD significantly.

Imagine if you will, that in 3 years time, you are no longer with your DH, and he has a new woman in his life who has a child of 3yo. Your DS must go there every weekend and is ignored when all he wants is Daddy to make a bit of a fuss over him. It is clear to you that his new child has replaced your child at the centre of his life and you know that your DS thinks that too. How would you wish your DS to be treated by the family? Is it good enough do you think for him to be treated in this way?

Oh and if he was being a bit withdrawn while he was there, how would you react when he is asked not to come back until he accepts the new family situation

I agree with Kerrymum and a lot of other posters. She is only 7 and 7 is a very difficult age she is just starting to grow up and recognise that she doesn't have the same family structure as some of her friends. You are being way too hard on her, I am sure you are not evil but I did find your post a little upsetting tbh.

Does your SD have her own room at your house?
Maybe you could take her shopping (just the two of you) for a few items so she feels she has her own space.
Doesn't need to cost much, but it will make her feel special.

What about doing some girly stuff with her? Painting nails, doing hair, going shopping for some clothes?

The thing that dsd really loves is playing board games with us when dd is in bed.

She loves going out into the woods with her Dad too on their bikes or just for a walk.

Thanks mindles - lets not forget good old fashioned manners. I know SD's mummy would cringe if she could see how SD behaves when she is here.

I had lots of 121 with SD especially when DS went to nursery for the morning and at other times. DH and I also take it in turns to bath both of them and do stories, etc. For the first few visits it was fine, but since Christmas it's been really difficult. You don't get anything back - more for DH and DS's sake I mean, like just speaking on the phone FFS, I just feel really sad about the whole thing and don't bother. We live 60 miles away so to go and pick her up to bring her here and to bring her back - it's a big deal and you don't even get a thank you.

During a sulk (or a major tantrum) we have asked her what is wrong but she won't talk - so what can you do?

She loves making cakes and biscuits too.

Not everyone finds it really easy to talk. Maybe she has feelings she doesn't know how to put into words, or she has things to say that she thinks will upset you. She is only 7.

What I would do is say "OK, I don't like the thought of you feeling upset, but if you don't want to tell me what it is just yet that's fine" and leave it.

Do parents normally get thank yous from their 7yo children for just being parents?

What is she supposed to be thanking you for?

Will you expect a 'thank you mum' from your DS just for picking him up from school, or just being a parent?

You write as if this child was 12 or 13 - not 7! I'm baffled as to where such expectations come from?

Perhaps she can't tell you what is wrong when she is sulking, because she can't articulate it - doesn't know how to describe her feelings. My 8 yo struggles in exactly the same way, when she is upset about things

The time to discuss her feeling is NOT during a sulk or a tantrum.
And I think her father should speak to her on her own about it.
I expect she can sense your disapproval.

I'm sorry but you really shouldn't be expecting a thank you from children of whatever age, let alone 7.

If that is your attitude, you are not going to solve the problem.

brownsugarbabe ... I don't know about step parenting but my two children have and identical age gap to your dsd and ds ...
Much of what you say is just like it is in our house.
DS had his nose seriously put out of joint when DD came along and now at age 7 and 3 there are lots of stressful times in our house as the gap is pretty big. DS had 4 years of us to himself then along comes this shouty little bundle that demands all of my time. He learned to grow with her and all that but it is really hard for a 7 year old to be constantly nice and friendly and fun with a little 'baby' who doesn't always understand the game or who might throw a tantrum or not understand whose turn it is.
Sometimes DS just wants to have some peace from his little sister. It is so normal ...
No one can expect a 7 year old to be happy and bubbly and bouncy about everything all of the time ... my DS gets grumpy and sulky and rude often.
I agree with whoever said that you should try some one to one with your dsd. DS and I very very rarely get the chance but when we do have time on our own we have such a fab time. When we are all together in the hussle and bustle of family life it is easy not to see what wonderful individuals your children are. I spend a lot of time with DD obviously as she is 3 but DS and I treasure the times we may have together (we get half an hour twice a week after school before picking DD up from nursery and DS LOVES 'our little chats' as he calls them)
I am rambling now but if you can try to see the two children as siblings rather than his dd and your ds you may see that their relationship is probably really normal and her behaviour (given that she is 7 and is also trying to get to know people she hasn't had in her life until a year ago as family) is probably very normal too.

Yes your are right DS is a bit of a little emperor in our household. And he is the centre of my universe and I don't really care what people think about that.

It is very hard finding the balance when SD is here to not give him all the attention and to not give her all the attention. I don't think lavishing all the attention on her as someone suggested is a good idea tbh - it gives her an unrealistic expectation of our family life. On reflection DS copes very well when SD gets attention but it doesn't quite work the other way around.

Our third bedroom is tiny and we use it as a study - I have repeatedly told DH we should put the computer somewhere else and use it as a spare room for SD. She doesn't really stay here often enough he says.

Well, I've read the thread as it has progressed, and tried to give some helpful comments.
But the more I read, the more I feel very for this little girl, tbh.

Ah well - we'll leave you to it then

Well I think that there is an inability to express your feelings, and then there is sulking because you know it gets the effect you want. To be honest, sounds like bsb's sd falls into the latter category, much like my sb. Surfermum has a good point, but this sort of thing has never worked with my sb.

And as for manners, I rather thought that yes, children did say thank you for the mundane things. Soapbox do you really think it's unreasonable to expect
"I've had a nice weekend, thank you for having me, see you next time"? Because I bloody don't. My SBs have always been encouraged to say thank you to my mum for having them, even though they are also encouraged to see her house as their home and they have their own room.

I have to say I think a lot of people are being very hard on this poor woman, and all she wants is constructive advice on how to deal with the problem. BrownSugarBabe I think you're really brave for posting - having read some of these responses I wouldn't be inclined to post with my own personal problems. Can't help but think if you only want to criticise, you probably shouldn't bother posting.

You DS can cope with someone else getting attention because he knows he is secure and loved.

Your SD has no such knowledge and the way she is treated in your household is not going to help that. Your DH is wrong about the space, it doesn't have to be a whole room, but she needs to have some little corner that is hers by right, perhaps a duvet set or something - something that is symbolic of her belonging to your household.
At present, she is being treated as an outsider and that's obviously not going to change.

Are we only supposed to post if we agree then?

I am not expecting the thank you for being a parent. If you are determined to twist everything I say then I am not going to bother to defend myself - so go ahead say what you want.

For the record, if I buy my 3.5 year old DS something, like a present for example, he says thank you. When we take him out on special trips he talks about it afterwards and says how much he enjoyed it/did not enjoy it - but we get a response anyway.

I admit I do not have any experience of bringing up a 7yo child - but that is not my fault and surely it is unreasonable to to slag me off for not knowing - all you have to do is say "this is normal for a 7yo" as other people have done and I will take that on board.