Am I an evil stepmother

[brownsugarbabe]

I hvae a seven year old stepdaughter, who we have been seeing for a just a year now on and off. DH was out of contact because his of his ex's behaviour since SD was one year old.

DH and I have one DS aged 3.5.
The first few visits were OK, with SD being relatively affectionate, but sometimes moody. The main reason is that I don't like the way she soemtimes ignores DS when he is talking to her. Sometimes she plays with him really well, then she will jsut suddenly switch off and go into one of her moods. I know she does it to get attention but I really don't want to reward that behaviour, and DH and I have agreed that unless she can try and communicate what is bothering her, we will not reinforce her sulky behaviour.
I worry about DS and the effect all this has on him. He is an affectionate and communicative child. SD is not affectionate with him at all and does not hug or cuddle him or even hold his hand - but she seems to want to court affection from me or DS.
I am on the verge of telling DH not to let her come here again, and we will meet with her and take her on trips instead. However on the last trip, she spoilt the whole thing with one big long sulk, all the way down the Thames, round Greenwich Market and back!
Lately I have found her sulks and the way she treats DS intolerable and I just find it hard to want to be around her or even speak to her. Which is why I am up here typing this.
When DH phones her, she tells her mum she is busy and won't come to the phone - which is disappointing for DS who is really excited to talk to SD.
My reasoning is that when she is here it is like a family unit, whereas her mum is a single parent. Perhaps she feels a bit sad about this - but her moods are almost like she doesn't want to try and enjoy the time she has with DH and us.
SD has the benefits of my husband's extended family, who are all estranged from us because he left his ex to be with me. WHich means DS has no contact with any of them.

Oh, Cheshire Mummy - sorry to hear your news. I hope you and you DS will be OK.

Is it harder for a boy than a girl....well I think it depends on age of child and how long they had lived with the other parent before the split don't you think, and what the step parent is like and whether there are any step children, and what the rest of the extended family are like, etc, etc.

In my case DH left his 13-year relationship when SD was four weeks old, so DH and SD had never lived together and the only concept she would have had of him would have been in her imagination - since he was persona non grata where his ex, his mum and his sisters were concerned, for leaving his ex with a newborn. Of course everyone felt that it was all his fault.

Why is life so bloody tragic sometimes?

I think boys internalise stuff so you don't see a lot of what is going on. Dss certainly does anyway. I suspect it is equally difficult for boys and girls, but girls tend to be more emotional and volatile about things...

Only read the OP - it's obvious your SD knows you don't like her and don't really want her in your "family unit". Poor girl!

Vev, I think you need to read more than the OP then, as that's not the case at all if you read through properly.

BrownSugarBabe - the step mother's dilemma! You've to be a parental figure to a child who isn't related to you (so you can't look at a specific attribute or form of behaviour and say that's just like so and so's, thus intsantly giving you an insight into why they're behaviing that way), and who has already spent some considerable time in another family unit where they do things quite differently to what you do.

But you know, if you belonged to some of the step parents groups that I do, you're hugely lucky to have such a wonderful bio mother. Build on that - more than once you've said how horrified she would be at SD's behaviour. So talk to her, say that SD seems to be having this sort of problem at your house, and what should you do? How would she like you to handle this? At the end of the day, she is the primary care giver and the person most in charge of this little girl's life. How this is handled will have a huge impact on this little girl, so do talk it over with the mum. She knows the little girl best. Just do it in a sort of 'I'm worried about this and wonder how you would like me to handle it' kind of way, so she knows you're not being confrontational.

I agree with what a lot of people have said. Much of this sounds like the normal sort of way a 7 year old might behave, so don't take it personally. Your son is obviously happy with his sister so don't go looking for problems that don't exist. He isn't for a second going to feel bad about not getting affection from his sister - he is surrounded by unconditional love so will just assume that she loves him. He is only going to start thinking otherwise if he picks that up from you. And I am sure that SD loves her brother - this will be great for him to learn that he can be loved in lots of different ways.

Also the advice on her having her own room - yes that will make her feel so much more secure. And it is OK for you to use the room for guests when she's not there. We use SS's room for guests and for drying clothes, and heck for general storage when he's not there. It is always put back correctly when he comes over. And when he was older we alwasy made a point of asking if guests could stay in his room beforehand.

I think that stopping her having visits at your house isn't the right thing to do. She is only going to get used to her role in your family by being a part of your family. And you know, it is OK not to like a step child now and again. Bio parents don't like their own child now and again. The key is to accept that this is quite normal and make sure that it never influences the way you treat the child. You're the adult and your only resposibility as a parent and that includes step parents is to make sure that the child feels loved. Even if you don't feel you can love that child, you have to make sure that you can do what you can for that child to be surrounded by the trappings of unconditional love no matter how hard that might make your life at times.

Finally, this might help. It is American, but these essays do give a good insight into some of the problems step parents face.

www.steptogether.org/essays.html

Thanks for that GateGipsy.

Actually I woke up this morning with this playing on my mind, mainly how unfairly I was jumped on by some people, when actually yes, sometimes we feel that we don't like our own children let alone someone else's children.

So thanks for your reassurances,

Thanks for that GateGipsy.

Actually I woke up this morning with this playing on my mind, mainly how unfairly I was jumped on by some people, when actually yes, sometimes we feel that we don't like our own children let alone someone else's children.

So thanks for your reassurances,

BrownSugarBabe - to be fair to the other people in this thread I have to say that I had the same reaction to your first post. It was only reading your subsequent posts and getting a fuller picture, that I realised the first post was representative of what your problem is or you as a person.

The first post doesn't sound like the words of a reasonable person - your subsequent posts do though, as does the fact that you have clearly changed your perspective on this after reading some of the more constructive replies.

I think you and your step daughter are going to be just fine.

oops sorry that was a typo - it should have been that the first post WASN'T representative of you as a person.

Just skimmed through this but feeling quite angry - if my estranged (d)H ever settled with another woman especially the one who destroyed our marriage and she thought of/treated my DD like you do - he would NEVER see her again - you are the one that comes across as a spoilt self indulged child not your poor SD - she is 7 sound slike normal behaviour from a 7 year old especially one who has lost her dad - you took he dad what more do you want from her

Brownsugar

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you've been shot down in flames here. I know its not easy having to accept a child that isn't yours and you have no feelings for.

I have 2 step kids aged nearly 12 and 13. I have been with their father for 3 years and their mother is a nightmare.

I find it difficult in so many ways. You are expected to behave like you are their mother but you don't have maternal feelings towards them. It's also hard not to get frustrated with them when their mother is the one who is really annoying you. I also had no idea what normal or not behaviour was. It feels sometimes like two strangers invading my house.

And I am really lucky cos they are basically well behaved children with good manners. It doesn't stop me wanting to wring their necks sometimes. And I can't explain any of this to their dad cos they are his children, he loves them dearly and feels guilty for not living with them.

So what do we do?

The best we can. Rant to friends or on here every so often to let off steam and then act like responible adults because we all have responsibility to treat children well and set a good example.

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread. As a stepmother (and also now a mother) myself I can say to you that absent fathers and their wives can never, ever win. I learned that very quickly and it's very apparent if you spend much time on this site.

I had many years of being a stepmother to two girls who lived with their mother and stepfather whilst being unable to conceive my own child. At times this was almost unbearable. We did, and do, get on well with the girls (not particularly well with their mother and stepfather unfortunately), but I can't lie to you - it's very very tough. Not least because you will always be compared with the mother - everything you do will be scrutinised and commented on and it does get to you after a while.

But we have also had some really fun times (before DH's ex upped sticks and moved 400 miles away that is). Stick with it. As others have said, it may well be her age rather than anything personal against you and your DS. It is much harder to accept the inevitable difficulties that come with looking after children when they are not your own. You can do everything in your power and at the end of the day, you will never be as important to them as their own flesh and blood. But it is worth perservering honestly, for your DH's sake if nothing else.

Well, stepmothers, if you are the ones who stole a family from a child what do you expect? That this child will love you? Of course not, you are the ones that destryed a family and stole a dad from a mum. So how do you expect to be loved or even tolerated by a child?? If I was the child I would be delighted to make your life a hell!!

very helpful cm

Yes do you actually understand how their relationship came about cm? Obviously you have failed to read the entire thread. I am sick to death of people like you who think it is acceptable to slag off step parents without bothering to understand their circumstances. BS like many step parents is on a steep learning curve. She is trying to figure out what is best for her family (and read in between the lines she considers her dsd as part of the family) and hasn't as yet got the balance right. So unless you have something useful and constructive to contribute please refrain from making such comments in the future.
And your information I am both a Stepdaughter and a Stepmother so I do understand it from both points of view.
BS - I would really push your Dh into making your 3rd room into a bedroom for your dsd. Then I would get your dh to involve himself in helping her make it hers. I think it's great that you have 1-2-1 with her, but I think your Dh needs to spend some more 1-2-1 time with his daughter. I suspect that the problem lies in you trying too hard and him not enough. Good luck, she sounds a lovely kid as does your ds. I suspect that she is jealous of your ds because he sees more of her daddy then she has. I've got that problem coming up, 6yo dss, and I'm expecting. He is very excited but I think he is a little jealous because we have been buy lots of things for the baby. He is too young to completely understand why the baby is needing so many new things. We intend to involve him by asking him to help us choose a few bits such as clothes and toys and we are taking him along to my anomoly scan as well.
Phew that was abit of an essay!

Chikenmother - HOW DARE YOU??! I can't begin to express how disgusted I am by your inconceivably ignorant comment.
My DH split up with his ex years and years before he met me. His ex was the one who chucked him out when she decided to hook up with her ex husband again. This is the case with many many stepmothers. And even if it isn't, who's to say that the ex wasn't equally to blame?

Many mums who are ex's seem to think they're blameless. Well I'm here to tell you that many of you probably are not. So don't kid yourselves. And for god's sake don't be so bloody rude to a group of women who have just about the hardest job there is.

Chikenmother, you've addressed your post to "stepmothers", who are you talking to? The OP, all stepmothers, or just those who had affairs with their partners while they were still with the x's?

It sounded like she was tarring all stepmothers with the same brush Surfermum.

I am digusted actually by the attitudes of some Mumsnet mothers towards other mothers/stepmothers. We are all women, we are all caring for children, be it full time or part time. So why the attacks? Why do people project the problems THEY have with THEIR ex onto all second families. And I use the term second families very loosely as in many cases the second family is the first REAL family the man may have had.

..try thinking of SD as your daughter, flesh of your flesh etc - and go with that. I'm not being funny, honestly.

Same here Twinkle. Dh's x ended their relationship to be with someone else - he moved in the weekend dh moved out! DH wasn't the bad guy. And I didn't come on the scene until months later. How that makes me someone who destroyed a family is beyond me (but I'm just checking with CM that that is what she means).

Oh, but I think we're still the wicked ones Surfermum because our presence stops the mother changing her mind and getting back with her DH you see.

sufermum you wicked harlot

Yes rather ridiculous post from chickenmother, I think we can all agree

Can we? BSB has asked for previous posts not to be brought back up in this thread, but I suggest looking at other threads before coming to a conclusion. I have a great step-mother, my mum is a consummate step-mother. There is no reason to make a sweeping statement but the particulars of this situation aren't necessarily like other people's.

If dsd's mum thought I was considering dsd as my own flesh it would send into orbit. She's always maintained that dsd is nothing to do with me .... oh that's unless she needs a costume sorting for school!

I expect you can't win sometimes can you Sufermum...

tribpot - you've refreshed my memory re bsb! I recollect one particular thread.......

I think it was the tone of Chikenmother's post that many of us objected to Tribpot. And it was addressed to "stepmothers" in general - guilty until proven innocent it seems.