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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I feel like this?

214 replies

Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 08:39

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 17/05/2018 13:24

@magda72
My partner spent 5 years trying to get access to him as his mum is a looney so he is definitely invested in him. He was saying it in a light hearted way about him not wanting to stay when he starts going up town etc but he does think that’s what will happen as Iv said I never ever talk about him so what he says is never my opinion as I don’t give him anything back.
He loves having him over but if he’s ever talking to anyone about his family he does say “my partner and baby” are my world.
No influence from me as I don’t ever say anything so I am never seen as negative.

I have simply chosen to stay out the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 17/05/2018 13:25

@magda72
I’m pretty sure he’d do anything for either of his children!

OP posts:
CallMeOnMyCell · 17/05/2018 13:29

You sound awful, poor DSS Sad he’s done nothing wrong and probably knows that you don’t want him there hence why he stays in his room and sleeps in.
He is your partners son and therefore part of your family and your child’s big brother.
I am shocked at your awful attitude.

Zampa · 17/05/2018 13:36

I don’t have any interest in spending any time with him.
Fake it until you make it. It's taken 7 years and two children of my own but after the last holiday time with them, I missed them when they went! You need to significantly adjust your attitude before you can hope for things to get better. It's not been easy getting where we are but it's pretty good now.

I understand he is my child’s STEP- brother (not full brother!!)
This speaks volumes about your issues. Try seeing your DSS as your child's brother, as an equal part of your family. We take great pains for all children to be seen as full siblings in our family, no step or half nonsense. It has paid dividends.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 13:37

He loves having him over but if he’s ever talking to anyone about his family he does say “my partner and baby” are my world.

You almost come across quite smug with that comment op. There’s no need to be so resentful and there’s plenty of stepmoms I know my ds is lucky to have a nice Sm that are extremely accepting of step children and welcome them with open arms. The poor kid hasn’t done anything wrong to even warrant such behaviour! When my ex talks about his family it includes ds, the same about his step mother she includes ds when speaking of her family unit. My dh tells people we have three kids because we do! I could never have entertained a relationship with my dh and had further dc has he not expected my ds.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 13:38

He’s not your child’s step brother that would be the case if you had a child with someone else he shares half of his dna through his df he is his half brother.

WhiteCat1704 · 17/05/2018 13:43

I think your feelings are normal but I would at least try to make an effort if I was you.
Yes, DSS is not yours but if you could have a friendship with him it would make your life easier and your DP would be happy.
You need to put in some effort but you have A LOT to gain(including enjoying ALL your weekends) and not much to lose..

SS might be self absorbed teenage boy now but he might suprise you..Did you or DP try to get him involved with the baby?

ItWillAllBeFine · 17/05/2018 13:48

I hated parts of being a step parent too, and I certainly wouldn't have deliberately chosen that route, but honestly your coldness makes me fear for your family's future. Your SS is going to be part of your family for the rest of your life. The seeds you sow now will grow and blossom. Now my DSC are much loved by me and DEFINITELY part of our family. That's because we all put the effort in and made it so.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 13:54

Your absolutely vile op. I couldn’t be a step parent personally but then I didn’t go out with someone who had children. My DH on the other hand is amazing step father and father and treats all the dc the same, we are a family unit.

Unfortunately posts like ops give step parents a bad name. The fact she never made an effort with the boy is so sad but I’m so grateful for my DS step mom the fact she treats him to clothes, includes him on all family holidays ,arranging age appropriate activities for him when they are away on holiday and they have a baby he simply is one of the kids in the family.

Shout out to all the other stepmothers doing a good job. Kindnesses costs nothing but often remembered, especially when kids aren’t kids for long.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 13:55

I really think this whole post is in bad taste

And that’s what your partner says in front of you because he probably knows you don’t like his son

I bet my house when you aren’t around he tells everyone he has two sons!

And the two boys are legal blood relations so you also seem to be depriving your son of his brother. And vice verse

Do keep going out of the way, after all it’s the best thing until you change you perspective on this young boy

LunaTrap · 17/05/2018 13:57

OP what if your stepson's mother dropped dead tomorrow? He could end up living with you full time. It may sound far fetched but there are at least a couple of current threads by stepmums where the kids mother has sadly died. I was also raised by a stepmum after the death of my mother.

What if he falls out with his mum and wants to move in, or there are safeguarding concerns in his current home meaning that your DP has to step in? You aren't a family of 3 no matter how much you would like to pretend to be.

Maybe you can't help how you feel. But even those saying they feel or felt similar have expressed that they have made the effort to improve things. You seem perfectly satisfied with your feelings and behaviour.

Teggun · 17/05/2018 13:59

My partner and I are very happy, very loved up and have a great relationship Bully for you. No wonder the poor boy disappears to his room

We never have spoken about his son in conversation much since day one (except for him first introducing him etc)- it’s extremely rare he is mentioned How desperately sad.

My partner spent 5 years trying to get access to him as his mum is a looney If his DM has acted in a way that has been detrimental to your step son's relationship with his DS then it is vital that the relationship is a priority now its back on track.

if he’s ever talking to anyone about his family he does say “my partner and baby” are my world Do you have any idea how your DSS would feel if he knew that's what his DF was saying? Whether or not it is true.

I feel even more sad for this lad now than at the start of your thread. Your lack of care and concern is extraordinary. Nothing to do with whether you are his step mother or not. You seem devoid of simple human emotions, very immature and totally self centred.

DuchyDuke · 17/05/2018 14:01

Have you been checked for post natal? It sometimes manifests just like this, with the mum taking frustrations out on other children in the family rather than the baby. Even if you have been checked, you should seek counselling. Your feelings are NOT normal. There is definitely something wrong.

LunaTrap · 17/05/2018 14:02

I wonder how you would feel if you split up and he had a new baby with someone else and then barely mentioned your child.

PrettyLovely · 17/05/2018 14:08

I'm thinking this isnt genuine, How could you not realise that your stepchild and own child were half siblings? And the silly comments of how her partner only refers to her and her kid as "his world."
I think someones bored today and wants to cause a stir.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 14:11

I agree this isn’t normal behaviour. You sound extremely young op. I might have wondered post natal depression but op admit prior to having her baby she made zero effort with her dss.

ItWillAllBeFine · 17/05/2018 14:13

I'm thinking you're right Pretty. Surely no one is this unfeeling. On behalf of stepmothers everywhere, OP, we can do without this!

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 14:17

Its possible it’s not real however how many threads have we heard from step kids who’s step parent never accepted them? Unfortunately it happens.

ItWillAllBeFine · 17/05/2018 14:18

That's true Dancing. OPs SS is a future post waiting to happen.

Wow12345 · 17/05/2018 14:26

Op, honestly it won't get better when he's grown up either. It might be worse when you're having to go to 18th/21sts, weddings, graduations, him having a baby, etc... It will never end.

When my partner's ex told me I'll have a 24 year old stepchild in 10 years time, I thought "Do I really want that though? No, I just can't say I do".

Do you not think you will be much happier and have a healthier mind by not being with your partner anymore? I certainly think that about my self.

DiamondsBestFriend · 17/05/2018 14:30

And when your DH dies he’ll inherit half his estate.....

WhiteCat1704 · 17/05/2018 14:39

And when your DH dies he’ll inherit half his estate
and how do you know that? Her partner may leave it all to charity or to her or spend it all on himself

Saltcrust · 17/05/2018 14:41

flamingofridays thank you for responding to my q down thread.

Magda72 · 17/05/2018 14:41

Maybe you can't help how you feel. But even those saying they feel or felt similar have expressed that they have made the effort to improve things. You seem perfectly satisfied with your feelings and behaviour.
Precisely.
Op I started off having a lot of sympathy for you as being a stepparent IS difficult. But if your chosen partner has kids & you want to be with him/her then you have to put on your big girl pants and make some kind of effort to get to grips with the situation.
It's normal behaviour for parents to discuss their kids so I'd say any silence on the part of your dp regarding his ds is because he senses your disapproval & total lack of interest. Either that or he has no interest in his ds himself!
I'm feeling increasingly sorry for this poor kid.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 14:50

I would be beyond furious if I was this boys mom. Of course he will sense he’s not be inter grated into the family.

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