Should I feel like this?

[Rubyandmillie1]

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

Have you always felt like this or did it start once you had a baby.
I found my step son hard after our kids were born because my life revolves around them so it was hard to factor in another person.
But I always felt like step son was family to start with so it's now started to go back to normal. Teenagers are hard work but every other weekend should be too bad. As long as your local to all his friends still then you'll find he goes out a lot and all you have to do is see him at dinner.

I won't give you hate. I'm a step mum to teenager and also have a young child. Whilst i do see SS as part of my family, I completely understand the dread for the weekend. Both me and their DF went through a phase of not wanting SS to come as we just get ignored for phones/friends so didn't see the point in SS being with us. We have since gotten past this but I do hate Friday evenings when SS is due to arrive as it just means mundane conversation until he goes to bed (which is late but DP allows it because its weekend) meaning I can't just relax because I'm forced to join in conversation I don't want to have. Plus we never get to go out and do anything because SS refuses to get up before 1pm no matter how much we try to make him, then he goes home and moans to his mum that we never do anything over weekend! The cheek!
So yes, I agree I find it an inconvenience at times because I don't get to do much over those weekends like I'd want to but I do see my SS as my family - I don't think I would have stayed with my DH and had a baby with him myself if I couldn't see myself with a SS in my life too. I think you should have a conversation with your DP (however maybe avoid calling his DS an 'inconvenience' and try to just explain how you feel rather than how your SS makes you feel)

That's a bit harsh. The lad's well behaved and doesn't cause any trouble, and he is actually part of the dp who you love so much. He probably knows how you feel! But I can't see why you shouldn't just go out and leave them to have some dad and son time together. Be kind to the boy, none of this is his fault.

Had exactly the same feeling even without my baby.. You're not alone. DSS is 18 now and prefer spending time with his gf rather than dad and he doesn't want to travel to our home so he sees his dad occasionally for dinner or football. He's mother is still a pain thought..
He's a great kid (young man!) but I will l never love him as much as I love my own child and frankly he's not a part of my family.

God I feel sorry for this kid. I grew up with step parents on both sides, EOW access, and now I have kids of my own I cannot imagine a situation where I could cope with only seeing them EOW and having a partner who didn’t even want them there in the first place. Can’t you imagine how that feels now you have a child? Can you imagine your child as an adult wanting nothing to do with you because you really couldn’t be arsed and put other people before them? And you’re hoping for a time he doesn’t want to have as much of a relationship with his father because he’s an inconvenience to you?

He existed before you met his father and before you had a child together. I hope no one ever treats your child this way, it must be heartbreaking. Doesn’t it upset your OH?

Take all references to We out of your post. He might not feel like your family but he is family to his dad and a brother to your child. So when you make plans to minimise his existence take yourself out of the equation for the weekend and leave the siblings and their dad to be a family.

It started more after the baby.
I just want to go out and do things at the weekend the 3 of us. He doesn’t get out of bed until 12 and then I feel like the days gone and Iv lost the enthusiasm to go out. Sometimes my partner doesn’t finish work till 6 on a Friday he then has to drive 2 hour round trip to get him and I just want us time with our baby to relax. I never feel relaxed or happy at all when he’s in our home.
I think once he’s 16 he’ll want to stay at home more with his mum to go out with his mates up town etc.
It’s a hard one 😐

No that’s the same with us he doesn’t ever get up before 12 and then by the time he’s ready to go out Iv lost the enthusiasm to go anywhere. My partner works long hours and very hard all week and at the weekends I just want to go out and do things me him and our baby. I am not rude or nasty to him I just don’t have anything to do with him. He always seems happy enough to be over at ours so it’s not like I’m making him unhappy. I’d rather just not have to see him and his dad goes out and does things with him!

No I will never have any feels for him whatsoever, he’s just my partners son who resides in our house every other weekend.

Don’t get me wrong I am never horrible to him, I just avoid him all weekend really but not in an obvious way. He always seem happy enough to come over. My other half has never mentioned it to me once (and he would!) so I must be disguising my feelings well!

If you and your DP split up, this could be his future partner talking about your child.

How sad.

It isn’t his fault, he’s had no choice in his parents separating.... yet you had the choice to go out with his father.

You have no idea how you make him feel, but the evidence speaks for itself. He doesn't get up till lunch and bids in his room. That doesn't sound like a boy who feels welcome.

You may think it's ok to just keep out of his way but it will be very clear to him that he's not wanted, which is so damaging. If I were your DP I would seriously think about staying with you - he needs to put his son's welfare first.

The day really isn’t over by 1pm you know.

I have a 14 yr old. I would hate them to be regarded as an "inconvenience". Many teens like to sleep in late and are addicted to gaming and while I can see that's difficult to combine with a 10 month old; he has just as much a right to have a space in your home as your baby. You have to try and meet him half way.

I used to feel similar but it has changed as SD matured a bit and developed a relationship with my DS, her half brother.
Does your SS show any interest in his sibling? If he is not interested it's hard to build on no connection..maybe he will be more interested as your baby becomes a toddler and is easier to relate to? That has happened with my SD..Once her brother started saying her name and become his own little person with opinions she opened up to him and it made me really warm up to her..
I do actually consider her my family now and look forward to seeing her, not something I expected to develop when she was 14...

Don't worry he won't to come any longer anytime soon.

When he doesn't because he knows he isn't welcome in the family, his mum will be blamed for manipulating him and the advice will be that he should be forced by his mum to come anyway.

This is the exact reason why my DS has not gone to see his dad for a year now and he is do much happier.

OP, do you want things to feel more comfortable and enjoyably when DSS is over, or are you content with how you feel?

It sounds a little like you're relating to how you feel about your DSS as though it's real and solid and unchangeable - but feelings can change and evolve if you want them to.

Would you rather wait years for him to not want to come over anymore (which would be an unbelievable shame for your DP and his son), or would you rather get to a point where you have a great relationship with everyone who lives in your home, full- OR part-time?

If you're simply looking for confirmation that you're not the only one ever to feel that way, that's one thing – but if you're open to having things improve, that's a different conversation.

You sound like an arsehole op thank god my ds sm isn’t like this and treats him like a member of their family in the same way my dh treats ds as part of yours and his siblings. If you had anything about you, you not have had a child knowing your feelings about the existing one your dp has.

I agree with ladybee

It's normal to get this feeling but it's all about what your expecting of the future.
You took on a man with a child so you knew he has other priorities and responsibilities. You can't always predict how it will effect you but after several years you decided to have a baby with him so you knew what you were getting into and made it more permanent.

If you plan to detach and have nothing to do with step son, you will strain your relationship with your partner as he will notice his son isn't happy and you not being welcoming is causing it.
You might effect the sibling relationship your baby will have.

But also the long term issues will be how will you feel in turn being treated as not family. When step son has a family of his own and your partner is over he moon as a grandparent and your child is an Aunt/uncle, are you going to be bitter that you aren't welcome or involved. Because you never did the same. Will you be resentful when your partner will babysit and help out and you might not even be invited to things.

This might seem like distant problems but how you go ahead now will predict how things will go.

If you don't want to continue on this route and you want to find a way to be a family you just need to make more effect in your mind. Don't let the bad things get to you. Make plans as a family and get step son up earlier some times so you can do stuff.
Do you leave step son at home alone? With my step son he has a lie in on Sunday when we go and do our weekly shop. Then we might go for brunch and be back when he is only just getting up so it doesn't seem like a wasted day.
But he will get up if he knows we have plans.

Talk to your partner but not as harshly as you've put here. See if he has any ideas of how to make things easier.
But remember he will be defensive of his son. His son and your child come first and you will always be second and that is the way it will always be.

I myself have four dc (one of whom is 14) with an ex and am dating a man with legal custody of his two dc (14 and 16)
Please please be careful, I know you don't think this poor 14 yo knows you don't want him around but believe me he does abs it will be affecting his self esteem and mental Heath.
It's normal for teens to want to lie in in their days off and I know it's difficult but it's life.
You knew your DP had a son when you got pg and they come as a package.
I would HATE to think my exh would have anyone round my dc who felt like that and I certainly would expect my own dp to get rid of I ever made his dc feel like that.

When he doesn't because he knows he isn't welcome in the family, his mum will be blamed for manipulating him and the advice will be that he should be forced by his mum to come anyway

nothing like a bit of projecting is there swing

OP, I almost get it

DSS is 13 and lives with us and his mother feels about him the way you feel about your DSS.

The thing is, I do get it because moody teenagers who would rather sit in their room all day don't generally mix with early rising babies who need all the attention.

To be honest, as much as SS is part of my family, it doesn't always feel like it because it is almost as if he doesn't want to be. He barely speaks to me or his dad unless he wants something and when he does he is rude and entitled. I think that is just teenagers, generally they would rather be gaming than spending time with the family.

I don't agree with the comments that he will know, teenagers can be so self absorbed, and if he is spending all his time in his room he probably hasn't even noticed that you're not ever in.

and all this shit of " you know what you're getting yourself into" - no, bollocks. Nobody has a clue because if they did there would be many many single men with kids out there.

feel exactly the same way for my sd. put myself through therepy about it but all therapist have said that its normal. why would you have any feelings for someone elses child? so I've just accepted it and keep myself busy when she's there.

I get you OP. Sometimes I just find my partner's dc and everything that comes with them eg their mum hard work. If me and my partner part ways I wouldn't miss anything to do with his dc.

I'm a step mum to a 24 year old who became part of my family since she was 9. Sometimes it was difficult like you say with long trips to and from homes. For me as somebody who had a very stable childhood with parents who are still together (I'm 51 now) I felt it was important to give my partners child a strong sense of family and belonging. There were times when I felt frustrated by her mother calling the shots, being awkward and the teenage years were occasionally infuriating. However, we have a very strong bond and she adores her little brother. The reasons for the family break up weren't down to me or her but I understood how awful it must be to have your precious daddy set up home with a new partner. My message is really that you are being unreasonable and you should make an effort to understand his feelings too. He is a child who needs to feel welcome and loved.

Not projecting flamingo just referring to a recent thread where it is exactly how it went even though there was no indication that the mother didn't want him to go. A court of posters stated that kids shouldn't have an option not to go to their dad and mum should facilitate.

I think here's an example that would lead to a kid opting of their own to stop going and where a mum could understandably not feel that that decision should be challenged.