Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Should I feel like this?

214 replies

Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 08:39

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 16/05/2018 20:43

Most definitions of step parent tend to involve the child being around sometimes though. That's a pretty basic requirement and one that the OP has a problem with.

flamingofridays · 16/05/2018 20:44

Yes I know that. I was just saying that "signing up to be a step parent" is not the same in everyone's head.

I agree op needs to make some changes.

MyKingdomForBrie · 16/05/2018 20:46

Doesn’t matter how you feel, just fake it til you make it. He’s a child so his feelings are more fragile and his experiences are more formative. You have a choice to be there or not, he doesn’t.

Teggun · 16/05/2018 20:49

Of course there is no 'one' definition of what step parenting is flamingofridays. My point is that if the step parent finds that they can't cope with the role they find themselves in they have 2 options.
1 Try and improve things
2 leave the marriage.

The OP is saying she has no interest in making the relationship work and no plan to leave the marriage . She has unilaterally decided to opt out of one vital aspect of the commitment. To the detriment of her dss, her dh, her dc and (although she doesn't seem to realise it yet) herself as well!

laloup1 · 16/05/2018 20:55

You've said your feelings out loud. Had the feedback that your feelings are not fair on your partner's son. Had the feedback on how it sounds like you are also trying to sabotage your partner's relationship with his son. It may be pretty hard to read but all in all the feedback is pretty consistent. And I agree by the way - you come across as trying to manoeuvre him out of you and your partner's life or hoping to do that in the not-so-dstant future.
So if you are taking the feedback on board are you now thinking 'how do I change my attitude to this boy being in my life'? 'How do I make sure I am a positive influence on this boy?' (or at least don't give him issues with my indifference towards him) or should I remove myself from his life?
Me - one of the qualities in my partner that makes me love him so much is his complete integrity in looking after his child. Even writing this I feel a surge of pride. I couldn't imagine trying to put distance between them.
But I have not had a child with my partner and I know from others on here that that can unsettle things a little, at least for a while.
But I really think that you need to take stock. There is and never was any cute little family unit of you, your partner and your baby. Your baby has a ready made older brother, of the teenager type. You need to lose the fantasy that your family is smaller than four and find a way to create a bond with your partner's son. Hopefully you will navigate through this, and if in years to come, when you find yourself holding his little baby in your arms, you will remember how ridiculous you were to write in mumsnet that his children will never be your grandchildren.

greenhills2015 · 16/05/2018 21:11

Once you have a baby it changes so many things.

I too dread when my Sc come over and I frequently get very upset when trying to plan things for me, DP and the baby only to realise that it's a kids weekend and we can't do it.

Step parenting is a thankless task and I don't think people realise until they're in too deep - I certainly would have cut things off at the start off before me and DP got serious if I knew how hard it was going to be.

Here's to a lifetime of constant compromise and disappointment GinThanks

Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 21:17

Exactly thank you!! Greenhills2015

OP posts:
Teggun · 16/05/2018 21:24

But Greenhills2015 the OP does not have a nightmare ex to contend with not does she have a rude entitled dss.

She simply resents the fact that this boy exists. She doesn't like the fact her dh has another child that is not hers.

It has nothing to do with step parenting being a "thankless task" . By her own admission OP is not a step parent.

laloup1 · 16/05/2018 21:35

where's my 'exactly thank you' OP?
Or maybe not 'exactly' but at least 'thank you' ??

PrettyLovely · 16/05/2018 21:36

Totally agree with Teggun

Teggun · 16/05/2018 21:41

Sadly laloup1 your sensitive and constructive advice was not what OP wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that she was perfectly entitled to her thoughts, feelings and actions.

laloup1 · 16/05/2018 21:44

Thank you Teggun :) How frustrating to take the time to write a response and have it completely ignored!

Teggun · 16/05/2018 21:44

And of course she is entitled to her thoughts and feelings but when it comes to her actions it goes beyond what's ok.

Teggun · 16/05/2018 21:51

Indeed laloup1. But thankfully other people read threads so your advice will benefit others. Flowers
Step parenting is a minefield and I totally agree that it is impossible to predict how hard it may be.

QueenOfMyWorld · 16/05/2018 22:00

I was the same with my ex stepdaughter I wasn't cut out to be a stepmun

Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 22:05

Laloup1 thank you for your message too. Iv not ignored your message at all I just saw the last one and replied. I take on board everything you have said!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 17/05/2018 07:21

I love my partner and our baby more than life and will always make sure they are happy and loved but when it comes to my “stepson” I would rather take a step back and just let my partner be part of his life.
And there is nothing at all with that but it's not what you've said in your first posts at all. What you've said is that you would rather your OH spent time with you and you can't wait for your SS to not be around.

You might be honest about your feelings towards your SS and that's fine, but I think you are in denial to the fact that you don't want your OH around him either, because that's what makes you a selfish and horrible person.

Don't deny your SS his dad. He became a dad to him before he became a dad to your baby. He doesn't love your baby more than he loves his son and he doesn't want to give up his relationship with his son more than he would want to give up his relationship with your baby. If you love your OH as much as you claim, then allow him to be a good dad to both his children, and work on accepting these facts.

greenhills2015 · 17/05/2018 07:38

@Teggun you are right, from my perspective we all had a brilliant relationship before baby it's just become difficult since his arrival and hormones probs don't help.

laloup1 · 17/05/2018 07:39

Thanks for acknowledging my post. There’s been some really thought-provoking responses provided to you. I hope these external perspectives help you work out what you really need to do

MrsWobble3 · 17/05/2018 08:05

And think forward 10 years - how will you feel if SS invites his dad and brother for Christmas at his house. Will you spend Christmas alone?

Teggun · 17/05/2018 08:06

Here's to a lifetime of constant compromise and disappointment

You know what Greenhills2015 that could apply to everyone in a split and/or blended family, particularly the DC. No-one sets out to create a split family when they have DC but it happens to a vast number people.

Step parents don't have the monoploy on finding it difficult but ironically, they are the only ones that have a choice. The vast majority of step parents I know choose to make it work, and reap the rewards.

I am no longer a 'step parent' but I still have a relationship with those children who are now adults. Partly because I care about them and partly because they are my DD's siblings. They are family. Do I feel the same way about them as I do my DD? Of course not, but they wouldn't expect or want me to.

Teggun · 17/05/2018 08:08

*Greenhills2015 Flowers I've just read your response. Hang on in there - hormones change!

sparklefluff · 17/05/2018 08:11

I can relate.

My SS wants nothing to do with me, I've been in his life since he was 3, and at that age he would say "mummy said no play with you" and it's never gotten any better despite me trying everything I know to make it work.

I now don't want to spend time with him and dread him staying here for holidays because he treats me so awfully.

I'm not sure what else I can do to fix it, so I've kind of given up now.

Then all do stuff together and I just potter about now.

greenhills2015 · 17/05/2018 08:24

@Teggun thanks! I'm hopeful we will get back to normal just a lot of adjustments all round.

Agree that the compromise and disappointment applies to all parties in the situation - we are having a tough time at the minute with SD going through an extremely attention seeking phase where I cannot even put my shoes on by myself and she waits outside the toilet for me. Think this is causing a lot of the resentment because at the min a 'kids' weekend literally means being harassed 24/7.

Teggun · 17/05/2018 08:27

I wish you all the best @Greenhills2015 and hope your DH is working with you

Swipe left for the next trending thread