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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I feel like this?

214 replies

Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 08:39

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 17/05/2018 16:34

I would worry about how you are feeling OP as gritting your teeth is no way to treat a boy. I am a SM who’s step kids have little contact with me now, however hand on heart I did a lot more than grit my teeth.

I don’t think making it either you are a ‘cow’ or not helps. But yes you do need some kind of relationship. You can’t basically exclude him. It’s not just you and your kids, DP and his son. He is part of your family and he’s only there four days a month!

So in the nicest possible way, get a grip OP and have some compassion! Mark your family open to him. Not closed. This is a home that should include your DS. Buy him in the food he likes. Do some nice things just for him, even if it’s just asking him to pick a picture for his room, or get him to do something for the baby.

It’s a choice you have OP. You might feel crap. So what you’ve still got to be the better person. You don’t have to be involved all the time or his Mum or feel love. There is a middle ground.

Which has to be more than gritting your teeth and getting through it.

And just because you don’t scream in his face or beat him up doesn’t mean you aren’t being very damaging and mean! Removing yourself is excluding him which is horrible. You say it goes back to normal but DSS visiting is normal. He’s part of your family OP. Be nice!

Honestly it won’t take much. Some inclusive gestures on your part. Small steps. Go to counseling.

Ginger1982 · 17/05/2018 16:38

He will completely get that you resent him. How very sad. You clearly just don't give a shit about him and that is so tragic. He will be in your life forever. He is related by blood to your own child. For you to get so upset because it's a 'kids weekend' is pathetic.

Wow12345 · 17/05/2018 16:38

I can definitely relate to a lot of things you have said in your posts op. I don't want to be a stepmum either and just go along with things because I have to. I don't want to spend the next x amount of years feeling miserable because of it though so for me staying just isn't an option long term. I don't want any of it, just like you.
Even when stepchildren aren't with you, they don't just go away. People still talk about them, mum texts or rings, pictures of them pop up on Facebook, they still need providing for, and you're still stressing about they next time they're with you even before they come etc etc...

LunaTrap · 17/05/2018 16:39

OP what would you do if he needed to come and live with you full time?

Ginger1982 · 17/05/2018 16:39

Well said bananas!

Saltcrust · 17/05/2018 16:41

"I do not feel horrible at all"

In the nicest possible way op, therein lies the problem.

WhiteCat1704 · 17/05/2018 16:45

Even when stepchildren aren't with you, they don't just go away. People still talk about them, mum texts or rings, pictures of them pop up on Facebook, they still need providing for, and you're still stressing about they next time they're with you even before they come etc etc...

Which is why having a good relationship with your SC is so important. Sometimes it's impossible due to things outside of our control but sometimes it IS and when we manage we stop stressing about visits and stop being resentful about doing things for them.
They can actually enritch our family.
Also their mum texting/ringing stops when they grow up.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 16:46

If this is what op is like on normal contact days I dread to think what she’s like on Christmas Day or this poor boys birthday.

Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 17/05/2018 16:49

Anyway I have found some lovely people who feel the same as I do so I will come off my thread now and speak to them separately.

To all the people that can be a step parent and have feelings for the child- hands up to you!

To all the people who bloody hate being a step parent but are putting up with it for the sake of their partners- hands up to you too!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 17/05/2018 16:50

Yeah I think it's time you left OPz

FaFoutis · 17/05/2018 16:51

I can't imagine they are 'lovely'.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 16:51

God your absolute scumbag I hope karma gets you and your dp sees sense and leaves.

Hope your never ina position where your child is being excluded by another woman

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 16:53

Your giving Cinderella step mother a run for her money op. This one of the saddest threads I’ve read for along minus the breavement thread from a SM who show so much grace over the fact her SS lost his mother and the respect she had for his mother was amazing. Go and crawl back under the rock you came from Biscuit

FaFoutis · 17/05/2018 16:53

Well this is a thread for those of us with children who are considering divorce.

PrettyLovely · 17/05/2018 16:54

Sorry she screams troll to me everytime she writes, particularly the last post, actually made me laugh with her private messaging her new found friends hahaha Grin

Magda72 · 17/05/2018 16:56

This is a very bizarre post - most people come on here looking for advice. You posed a question "Should I feel like this?"
People have told you it's ok to feel the way you do but that if you want to stay with your dp then you need to adult up & yet you've totally disregarded anyone who won't tell you you're right!

Teggun · 17/05/2018 16:57

I sincerely hope you are right PrettyLovely.

But I have to say Rubieandmillie1 has succeeded in uniting SMs and non SMs so not a wasted thread Wink

Zampa · 17/05/2018 16:59

FaFoutis Not all SMs are bad! I adore my DSC and love the relationship they have with their (half) sisters.

What makes me saddest about this thread is that OP is denying her child a relationship with his brother, who could be his best friend. I have a feeling that they will never be close and both will miss out as a result of OP's feelings.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 17/05/2018 17:00

I do think it’s very tough. I have sympathy for that honestly. I’ve had terrible experiences with my step kids! Honestly it’s been hell.

I think there’s a difference though between having tried though, and coming up with barriers from the step kids...
And not having tried but excluding a kid point blank.

I don’t know has there been animosity towards you from this boy?

Is there any reason you cannot even reach out?

I get the EW thing, I cannot stand DPs EW she is a complete cow. And over the years she’s influenced her kids to ignore me. If she’s influencing DSS that’s a problem. If not that’s just EW problem.

I now do not reach out to my step kids, well I still do small gestures, but on the whole I stay out of it. However that’s because they’ve made it clear they are not bothered, and for years I did reach out and look after them.

Have you ever tried in the past? Is there history to this? Or is it that you cannot get past your own rejection of him?

FaFoutis · 17/05/2018 17:04

That's nice Zampa. Your SC are very lucky.

Honeyroar · 17/05/2018 17:11

I'm a step mum too. It's not been easy but I always made an effort and I did grow to love my stepson. I'm not saying it's sometimes hard. But it's mean to not even try! You may think you're "not being horrible to him" but you are - and you're being horrible to your husband/partner by pretty much killing off the desire that your stepson will have to spend time at his dad's house.

Turn it round. Imagine you and your partner split up, he meets someone else and she does absolutely nothing to make your son feel welcome, just concentrates on her child and the new "family". You'd be upset for your son, surely.

Life would perhaps be easier if my stepson wasn't in our lives, but I know my husband would be sad and I'd be sad for him, so I make lots of effort, even when it's hard.

Theladygardenofeden · 17/05/2018 17:47

I'm a now grown up step daughter of a wonderful step mum who has always made DB and I feel loved as one of her own, even after she and my dad had more DC.

She's been in my life for nearly 20 years and I've definitely got a 2nd mum. I would be really sad to learn that she felt/feels this way about me. It would certainly have had an impact on the relationship with my dad. Regardless of whether that was her intention.

So even way into the future when the DC have all grown up and have got children of their own like I do, we don't disappear! DB goes to Dad's for dinner or to clean his car several times a week even though he's early 20's and I would too if I hadn't moved away from our home town.

I know OP says she's not coming back but I thought that a perspective from the SC might be beneficial plus I wanted to shout out to the brilliant step mums out there who do care about their SC Grin

swingofthings · 17/05/2018 18:25

Anyway I have found some lovely people who feel the same as I do so I will come off my thread now and speak to them separately
But it's not about feelings. Many here have said that they feel like you do, and those who don't can understand it. It's not your feelings that is your issue, it's the fact that you seem to have a sense of entitlement to act the way you feel.

That's what kids do, grown up appreciate that in most circumstances, you keep your feelings for yourself and you act as you should at least to some extent and the one thing that you absolutely cannot do, whatever your feelings, is to put pressure on your OH to spend less time with his son to give to you or your baby instead.

somefolkaresoentiteled · 17/05/2018 18:40

You sound like a dick!

Battleax · 17/05/2018 18:49

There’s an absolutely vile FB group made up of MN stepmums. I expect OP has gone there.