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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I feel like this?

214 replies

Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 08:39

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 16/05/2018 14:43

that Is projecting though isn't it - that's what happened in 1 situation. Also, what people say on the internet and what they do in real life are two different things.

I agree that the mum shouldn't challenge it as 14 is old enough to decide, but its unfair to say that the mum would get the blame for it.

pallisers · 16/05/2018 15:00

most teens stay in bed until noon at the weekends and spend most of their time on their phones/in their rooms. That's life with teens. I'm sure it is a pain when you are at a different stage with a baby -I'd have gone off my head if I had to stay in the house with babies at weekend waiting for a teen to wake up. Why can't you and his dad go out and do something in the morning and then be around when he wakes up (probably the time your baby is napping)

You might want to consider that while you don't think of him as family, he is your child's sibling and your child will think of him as family. In fact, if life pans out the usual way, he will be part of your child's life long after you and his father are gone.

KeefBurtain · 16/05/2018 15:10

I have a 13 yo ds, a 14 yo dd and a 10 month old Ds. All biologically mine, and this is just life. They don’t want to get out of bed at the weekends, and when they do it’s either to play Xbox/go on their phones or to ask for money to go into town.

I also have 2 sd who are 12 and 13. They come every other weekend (and sometimes every night for tea) and do exactly the same.

The behaviour you’re describing is normal.

Your attitude towards it is not though.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 16/05/2018 15:21

I feel extremely sorry for your SS. At 14 he is still a child, albeit one on the way to being an adult. He seems grown up to you because he is so much bigger than your DC but he is still maturing emotionally. Imagine how you would feel one day if your own DC was in that situation and then decide to start making an effort. Yes it’s difficult but he sounds well-behaved to me. It doesn’t stop you doing things just the 3 of you either, you can do things like going to the park with your baby before your SS wakes up. I have a Dstepdaughter, now grown up, and 2 DSs with DH. She was a teenager when my eldest arrived, so I have some experience with this. Teenagers can be hard work but they desperately need to feel loved and accepted as themselves at home (both homes)

SandyY2K · 16/05/2018 15:22

why would you have any feelings for someone elses child?

Because you're a human being with feelings one would hope.

You don't only have feelings for your own children.

I have feelings for my nieces and nephews....my godchildren and my friend's children.

Unless kids are badly behaved I generally like them.

I would never expect you to love a stepchild like your own, but the way you feel is very sad.

I have teenagers. They lie in and they are always on their phones. It's normal in these current times.

There's a huge age gap between the two kids, otherwise I would have suggested a joint activity to do as a family.

Teenagers may be selfish..but they aren't stupid and know when you don't particularly like them.

Polkadots72 · 16/05/2018 15:22

I think you need to grow up op.

rageface · 16/05/2018 15:25

Poor kid. Polite, well behaved, and still nothing but a mere inconvenience to a resentful SM.

Loving your partner to pieces is not a good enough reason to become a step parent. It’s clearly pretty selfish in this case.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2018 15:26

Do some of the stepmums here forget what it was like to be a teenager?

livefornaps · 16/05/2018 15:27

What would you have him do?

Spring out of bed at 7am?

This 'avoiding' behaviour is frankly pathetic.

He is a teenager in his own home! He shouldn't have to act like anything other than a teenager.

Plus - newsflash - wherever his dad is will ALWAYS be his home.

I'm nearly 30 and when I go home my parents always encourage me to have a nice long sleep. And they know I will because my body knows I am home. They wouldn't stand it every day, of course, but everyone needs a place where they can be that comfortable.

I get the feeling you are hoping his visits will dry up so you can be left with "your little family" - that's just horrible. And like other posters have said - imagine you split up with your partner and in the future when your child is no longer an adorable baby but a big gangly awkward teenager, that there is some other woman thinking the same of YOUR precious child. Not so nice now, is it?

flamingofridays · 16/05/2018 15:35

I'm nearly 30 and when I go home my parents always encourage me to have a nice long sleep. And they know I will because my body knows I am home. They wouldn't stand it every day, of course, but everyone needs a place where they can be that comfortable

god really? at 30 and your parents still feels like home? I cannot imagine feeling that way at all!

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/05/2018 15:39

This teenage boy is your child's brother. As your child gets older then he will be more interactive with their older brother.

You have your husband every other evening to spend time just the 3 of you so do not begrudge your DH time with his other child. Time with a child sat on his phone is what you'll experience when your 10 month old is 14!

Perhaps have his PS4 downstairs so he doesn't feel he has to go off and be secluded in his room. I very much suspect he knows you don't want him around however much you insist you don't show it!

Poor lad.

Ps. we are a blended family with one of mine, one of his and one of ours so have had EOW expereince.

livefornaps · 16/05/2018 15:49

Fair play [flamingo] - I guess I don't live in the same country as my parents any more, I am not home often and single. That plays a big part. Whether or not you see your parebts' place as home does not matter - but I think ideally you should feel welcome at any age!

pallisers · 16/05/2018 16:08

god really? at 30 and your parents still feels like home? I cannot imagine feeling that way at all!

Long after I had my own home in a different country my parents home still felt like home to me. I grew up there, my old bedroom was there, my memories, and my parents thought of it as my home - I was welcome any time. I hope my own children have their own homes and families and still know that we are always a home for them.

flamingofridays · 16/05/2018 16:18

Oh no I agree at feeling welcome I just personally don't feel "at home" at my parents House, my home is home to me now. I understand why you feel different I just can't personally imagine feeling the same!

swingofthings · 16/05/2018 16:29

that Is projecting though isn't it - that's what happened in 1 situation No, it was comments made as a general statement, but anyway, it doesn't matter. The point was that the way OP is acting, she will get her own way in that it is highly likely that her SS will stop coming.

This will lead to her OH either seeing his son away from OP, which will probably wind her up even more, or she will have ruined the relationship between her partner and one of his children. If that makes her feel better, that's his incredibly sad, but not as sad as her partner preferring to stay with her in these circumstances.

Not getting overjoyed at your SCs coming is totally normal, after all many residents parents feel relief when their kids go away for the week-end, so it doesn't even have to be a matter of step-parenting, just the extra work that comes with it, but to make plans so that the kid doesn't get to spend any or limited family time is just spiteful.

WhiteCat1704 · 16/05/2018 16:29

I definitely not feel my parents home is mine. It's theirs. I'm welcome but I need to ask. I respect their boundaries and expect them to respect mine. Think it's healthy.

When step son grows up his father house is not going to "always his". Hopefully he will have his own.

XJerseyGirlX · 16/05/2018 16:34

OP imagine you and DP split up and someone talks about your baby that way. His son is still is child, like your DS is your child. I think if you voiced this to your DP he would see how horrible you are. And spending the weekend avoiding him.. how bloody old are you?

flamingofridays · 16/05/2018 17:05

The weird thing is I would totally understand someone feeling that way about my child. Because it's not their child?

You don't feel the same way for a child that's not yours. You also don't have the same boundaries in that if your own child is getting right on your nerves you can say so and do something about it. With your step child u have to put up and shut up.

Step parenting is weird and awful and frankly I would thank anyone that wanted to be involved with my child and would understand anyone who didn't.

Abitlost2015 · 16/05/2018 17:13

I’d say it is normal to feel different towards your ds and dss.
I’d say it is egoistic and shortsighted to see them as an inconvenience.
He is your son’s brother and part of the family. He is your partner’s son and you’d like your partner to spend time with just you and the baby? Would you think as a father he can do that? What father would he be to his teenage son? Is that the father you want for your child?

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 16/05/2018 17:27

How horrible. Poor kid, and he’s polite and well behaved. What’s he even done wrong? I have 2 dss, both left home now, but they all regard their 1/2 sister( our dd) and my da as family. It’s great when they are all together, it’s my favourite thing, and you are depriving both your dc and your dss from a family atmosphere

PrettyLovely · 16/05/2018 17:35

I think its normal to not be over joyed in them coming if they are going through a phase of bad behaviour, but not so much if they are well behaved, Hes doing what teenagers do its just part of the phase hes going through at the moment.
There sounds like there is a real disconnect between you both I think you should try with him tbh talk to him, spend time with him.
Sometimes as step mothers we have to try a bit harder, You avoiding him for no apparent "fault" of his own is your problem and you can be the only one to fix it.
Try and fix that disconnection and try and put yourself in your partners shoes of how you would feel if he thought the same about your child.

Wow12345 · 16/05/2018 17:41

The weird thing is I would totally understand someone feeling that way about my child. Because it's not their child?

Me too.

Ellapaella · 16/05/2018 17:58

I am a step mum. I agree it's okay not to love your step children as you love your own however it is entirely possible to have a different kind of relationship, more a aunt - niece/nephew type thing. It's not the children's fault their parents separated and it's not their responsibility to make an effort to forge a relationship with you, that's your job. I feel really sorry for this lad and I can guarantee he will know you aren't that interested or bothered about him.
Your child will want to have a relationship with his/her brother as he gets older and then you may come to see him more as part of your family. Because he is! He is the brother of your own child. Teenagers/step children are often inconvenient however you knew the score when you got together with your partner.

swingofthings · 16/05/2018 17:59

You not wanting to be involved is one thing. It's not ideal, but it can be ok without causing the damage. Where you are out of order is that you seem to want to impose your disinterest onto your OH and your child. THEY unlike you, at least your OH, feels differently to you. So ignore the child, but let your OH give him the love and attention he feels for him without putting him under pressure to do things with you without his child when he is there to see his dad.

swingofthings · 16/05/2018 18:03

he then has to drive 2 hour round trip to get him and I just want us time with our baby to relax
This is the bit that I find shocking. You have your husband 12 nights out of 14 for you and your child and yet you resent him spending a few hours with his son one evening? Why?

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