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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I feel like this?

214 replies

Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 08:39

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

OP posts:
Magda72 · 17/05/2018 09:13

@Rubyandmillie1 - I think the way you're feeling is very normal & you're only saying what a lot of sms are thinking. You've had a baby now & you are a little unit with your dp, baby & you & of course you love that & want to protect it.
The problem is your unit is different to your dp's unit - his unit comprises you & his TWO children. In order to get to grips with this situation you're going to have to try to put yourself in his shoes. You say you won't mind being invited to stuff in the future but how will you feel when/if your dp has grandkids & wants to spend time with them? This situation has the potential to filter through a lot of bad feeling down through the years.
If you want to be with your dp you're going to have to get your head around the fact that he has another child whom he loves & wants to spend time with. If you can't do this you're in for a lifetime of misery as your dp will always feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

Saltcrust · 17/05/2018 09:30

Probably very unhelpful of me to say this, especially as I don't have any direct experience of this situation, but surely you knew in advance before your relationships got serious that your dps had children and you were never going to be a little exclusive unit on your own? Surely you realised that you can't just erase his DC as if they don't exist? Not being snippy, genuinely interested; how the posters on here ever thought it would be different?

BlueJava · 17/05/2018 09:33

Please try and make it better for this poor kid, he didn't ask for this situation and he will know how you feel. I know teenagers can be uncommunicative but that doesn't mean he doesn't need attention, love and to be welcomed into a home, plus you say he's polite so he's not being badly behaved. Please consider doing things with him on an afternoon/evening - lunch/dinner out, pizza takeaway, shopping, cinema, bowling, sports he likes, watching a film on TV he chooses, anything to make him feel wanted and involved. I realise it'll take time and you're not going to be best friends, but imagine spending every other weekend being an "inconvenience" in someone else's house. Childhood experiences often shape your life.

Wow12345 · 17/05/2018 09:39

He doesn't love your baby more than he loves his son

I don't think she expects him to love their baby more than his son at all, but she of course loves their baby more than his son which is understandable.

LunaTrap · 17/05/2018 09:59

But she arranges stuff so 'we' can see him less and can't wait for the day he stops staying and just pops by occasionally. That doesn't sound like someone who respects her partner's relationship with his son or sees it as equal to that of the one with her baby.

flamingofridays · 17/05/2018 10:01

The vast majority of step parents I know choose to make it work, and reap the rewards

That majority of step parents I know wish they'd known then what they know now and wouldn't have continued the relationship. Making it work because they're in too deep and they have to not because it's rewarding. It's not rewarding at all in my experience. You put all the work in and get 0 thanks from anyone usually.

flamingofridays · 17/05/2018 10:03

Not being snippy, genuinely interested; how the posters on here ever thought it would be different?

You don't know what you'll feel in the future. You might think you'll cope or become a fabulous step parent. Doesn't mean you will. Having a baby changes things also whether you want it to or not.

You date someone with kids and it's fine but you move in and it's different you gave your own child and it's different again.

Nobody actually knows how they will react until they're in that situation and by then it's usually too late to leave.

PrettyLovely · 17/05/2018 10:05

I agree it can be very difficult, I have found it harder than being a parent, but I just still always think you should try.

Wow12345 · 17/05/2018 10:18

That majority of step parents I know wish they'd known then what they know now and wouldn't have continued the relationship. Making it work because they're in too deep and they have to not because it's rewarding. It's not rewarding at all in my experience. You put all the work in and get 0 thanks from anyone usually.

Yes I can relate to everything you've just said. You get to a point where you're trapped in the relationship and basically just go along with it because you have to. There is nothing rewarding about that. I'd rather cut off my arm than be with someone with kids again.

ItWillAllBeFine · 17/05/2018 10:20

I also have step children and my own children. You need to learn a little empathy OP. This boy is not an " inconvenience". He's your baby's brother, your husband's son, and, by the way, a human being.

AngkorWaat · 17/05/2018 10:45

This is a sad post. How you feel is how you feel OP but I’m amazed your OH has stayed with you when you have that attitude to his child.

I was with a bloke for a while and he was lovely, but he clearly wasn’t a fan of kids and didn’t even see his own that often. I ended it because my children come first, no way would I be comfortable in a relationship where my partner saw them as an inconvenience.

I get that it’s hard with a baby and older kids, as I have a baby and teens myself. It’s not impossible to have fun with them all though! It actually sounds like you’re making life more awkward and difficult for yourself and your family by being determined to not have a relationship with him. That’s a shame and I wonder if including him a bit more would actually make your life easier and less stressful?

Teggun · 17/05/2018 10:52

You get to a point where you're trapped in the relationship and basically just go along with it because you have to. There is nothing rewarding about that. I'd rather cut off my arm than be with someone with kids again.

But you don't have to!! You as an adult have a choice. It may be an unbearably hard choice but you still have the choice as to whether you stay or go. A step child has no choice.

Wow12345 · 17/05/2018 10:54

But you don't have to!! You as an adult have a choice

Try saying that to a woman with no money to give her that choice.

Teggun · 17/05/2018 11:26

Wow12345 I feel for any woman whose lack of finances is preventing her from leaving an unhappy relationship.

The relationship board is a fabulous source of advice.

What I can't accept is an attitude of 'the relationship is a good one except for the step dc part ... ' I know you can't predict how it will feel being a step parent but it is an integral part of marrying a person with children.

Magda72 · 17/05/2018 11:39

To those (legitimately) enquiring as to how you didn't know kids would be a difficulty from the start.
I'm a mum of three, so was well used to kids. I met dp & fell in love. Eventually I met his kids & all was fine to start. What I wasn't prepared for was how different they are to my own kids, their friends & my nieces & nephews. I was also unprepared for how unlike my dp two of them are & how like their dm two of them are. Dp can get past this as they're his kids & he loves them - but for me if feels like their dm is often in the house with us via them. This is stuff that only emerged over time & it has made forging a bond with them very difficult.

I have no problem with the fact that he has kids but they have nothing in common with me & I have nothing in common with them. I do try to establish common ground but they are not interested for whatever reason, so it is a struggle when they are here with us & I can honesty say I've never seen or been to as many soccer matches as I have in the last few years!!!!
You go in with optimism & sometimes it just gets harder & harder.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/05/2018 11:56

Thank goodness my kids do not have a step parent. I’m afraid your post sent shivers down my spine!

He’s no bother by what you are saying. Be nice to the boy you have got the opportunity to make a positive life long impact on this kid

But also a life long negative impact

I can see the way it’s heading

greenhills2015 · 17/05/2018 12:09

@flamingofridays hit the nail on the head! You don't know what it will be like until you're too invested so have to keep going

Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 17/05/2018 12:28

@flamingofridays @wow12345 thank you!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 17/05/2018 12:41

Just to clarify a few things....

My partner and I are very happy, very loved up and have a great relationship.
We never have spoken about his son in conversation much since day one (except for him first introducing him etc)- it’s extremely rare he is mentioned.
He is picked up every other weekend, he spends his evenings and most of the day laughing with his mates (online) playing his PlayStation upstairs. He runs down gets food, says hello and goes back up.
I go out as much as I can those weekends because I’d rather leave him to do that or let him and his dad do something.
I don’t have any interest in spending any time with him.
I understand he is my child’s STEP- brother (not full brother!!) but that doesn’t mean I have to be his step mum because I never will be. He has a mum and he has a dad and I have my partner and our baby.
I cannot help completely dreading weekends we have him because I do.
It’s a relief if I know we aren’t having him for a few weeks because he’s going away on holiday with his mum etc.
I would never ever want to leave my partner so I will just have to keep myself occupied when he’s over like I have been. My partner has already said when discussing decorating bedrooms that he won’t want to stay when he hits the age of going out with mates! I cannot help the fact I love and wish this day would come!

My partner does not know how I feel because I AM SO DISCREET about it. I am good at faking my smile when he’s around! Believe me he would have asked me he’s not the shy type!

Some people love being step parents and some hate it; I HATE IT!

OP posts:
Teggun · 17/05/2018 12:44

He's your son's half brother not step brother ffs

Teggun · 17/05/2018 12:45

Sorry your dc's half brother

PrettyLovely · 17/05/2018 12:53

How could you not realise he is your childs half brother?

marshmy · 17/05/2018 12:53

it's something you're just going to have to deal with now, your dp will feel the same way about both of his children, imagine if he turned around and said he didn't like the 10 month old baby? They're both his children and they're also siblings they're FAMILY and if you're choosing to exclude yourself then that's your problem

Magda72 · 17/05/2018 13:00

@Rubyandmillie1 - tbh it doesn't sound like either you or your partner are much invested in this kid. You have my sympathy & understanding (my own relationship with my sdcs is far from ideal) but I can't help feeling your last post is very naive. How does your partner know his ds won't want to come over once he starts going out? Have you or your partner ever thought about what would happen if for some reason he fell out with his dm & wanted to live with his dad? Or if he wanted to live with him while at uni?
It does read like you (both) are very much hoping that as he gets older he'll very conveniently go away & leave you guys to it.

Life doesn't work like that.
Your dc & this kid are also half siblings whether you like it or not & they are perfectly entitled to have a relationship with each other that is independent of you.
This kid is not going away & dealing with his presence by hoping that some day he will is a recipe for disaster.

pallisers · 17/05/2018 13:17

I have no idea why you married a man with a child, OP. It isn't for everyone (I probably would not have been interested in being a step mother) and it certainly isn't for you. You should never have become involved with a man who already had children - it is a pity you didn't have any insight into this aspect of your character before getting involved.

But it is done now and you better realise that whatever about your own feelings you child has a brother (not a step or even a STEP brother). Your child could grow up to look like this teenager for all you know. You better figure out some way to understand that this is a relationship that is significant to your child and your husband whom you claim to love beyond anything and isn't a relationship that will expire when the teenager hits 16 or 18.

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