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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I feel like this?

214 replies

Rubyandmillie1 · 16/05/2018 08:39

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

OP posts:
Saltcrust · 17/05/2018 14:54

It's funny how the ex wife is always "a loony" isn't it?

lollilollipopps · 17/05/2018 15:09

you seem proud of that fast that your partner says you and his baby are his world, are you proud that he misses out his flesh and blood and first child out of this sentence?
He is just as much your step son's father as he is your son's and if he can be that dismissive of his older son then maybe some day he will do the same to your baby.
your sound like a very bitter woman.
He was his son's dad before you ever existed in his world.

Battleax · 17/05/2018 15:20

It's funny how the ex wife is always "a loony" isn't it?

IKR?

SpriteGirl · 17/05/2018 15:20

This thread is appalling.

I am a step Mum and currently pregnant with my first child so I didn't have any children of my own when I met my step son about 5 years ago. But I wiped his bum, got up with him in the night when he was ill, made sure he had what he needed etc. because I AM THE ADULT AND HE IS THE CHILD. His father also did all this stuff but the point I make is we are a family and I had made a choice; he deserved to be loved and his Dad's house was and is his home too.

I always want him to feel welcome, I hope that once the formal contact arrangements no longer exist he chooses to drop into see us for a meal or bring his friends over. I hope he has a lovely relationship with this baby I'm carrying.

Is it always easy? No. Is it ever his fault? NO

Saltcrust · 17/05/2018 15:26

Battleax sorry don't know what IKR means.

Battleax · 17/05/2018 15:33

IKR = “I know! Right?”

Battleax · 17/05/2018 15:34

Battalions of uniformly psychotic EXWs as far as the eye can see Wink

Poor Men Sad

Saltcrust · 17/05/2018 15:35

Oh sorry Blush thanks for explanation [luddite emoticon]

Battleax · 17/05/2018 15:37

Don’t worry. I borrowed it from the yoof Grin

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 15:38

I wouldn’t be surprised if op is extremely young in her 20s and her dp is in his late 30s. She’s far too immature that she was happy to not attempt to form a relationship with this lad who was only 9 year old at the time. She wants to create a new family unit away from her dp family. It’s very easy for her to label his ew to a loony.

flamingofridays · 17/05/2018 15:38

It's funny how the ex wife is always "a loony" isn't it?

some of them genuinely are, though.

I thought dp's ex was a perfectly lovely woman, loving mother before I met her. He didn't have bad word to say about her in the start or vice versa.

Then it all went tits up and she's genuinely the most malicious, nasty, bitter twisted and pathetic woman I have ever met. I doubt her parenting skills, and I would go as far as to say as she is a bad influence on her children.

DP didn't ever tell me this, I've seen it all for myself.

So while most ex's are perfectly reasonable, some are batshit crazy.

ourkidmolly · 17/05/2018 15:41

I don't really understand your problem. You have no 'feels' for him, avoid him and try not to speak to him. You seem pretty ok with the situation and are not asking how to change it so what are you after here? Do you want advice as to how to get him to disappear for good or something?

Wow12345 · 17/05/2018 15:43

flamingofridays Nope sorry. That can't be true. You're a complete stranger but I know better about your dp's ex and I know you're lying.

Teggun · 17/05/2018 16:03

The 'ex' is irrelevant in this thread. Even the OP hasn't cited her as contributing to her issues around being a step parent.

Infact the OP has been very clear - there simply are no 'reasons' - she just doesn't like it and doesn't give a shit.

Teggun · 17/05/2018 16:15

@Rubyandmillie Why did you start this thread?

DiamondsBestFriend · 17/05/2018 16:16

I have a friend whose dh’s ex was a proper lune. Did her best to try to poison the kids against him, he had to go to court for access etc. But never did he, or she, say a bad word against the ex. The children voted with their feet as they grew up and one by one came to live with friend and her h.

She already had two children and they ended up having one together so six kids between them.

And now years on when most of them have grown up she says how happy it is that her children and his choose to have independent relationships with each other when essentially they could have all gone their separate ways when they left home iyswim.

She admits that step parenting was hard on some occasions but would never have chosen to do anything any differently.

Her children are grown up now apart from the youngest they have together, and she says that she would do it all over again but that it’s not for everyone.

But this total detachment benefits no-one, especially not the youngest brother actually because he will grow up enough to make his own decisions as well, and if only his mother is hostile to his brother then she cannot guarantee that he will take her side in this.

Original poster
Rubyandmillie1 · 17/05/2018 16:21

@wow12345 no I don’t think I would. Everything in our lives is great, very happy and got lots of plans for the next 12months etc. Just the 4 days a month we have him I would rather not be around but then back to normal again after he goes! I can grit my teeth and get through it! Done it for the past 3 years! I simply wanted to know if anyone else felt the same not what a cow I am or how I can change because I do not feel horrible at all and I don’t want a relationship he’s got that with his dad.
You’d think that I’d put in my post that I beat him up or scream in his face the way some people are whining on.
I am simply just removing myself a bit as I don’t want to be involved!

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 16:25

God your a vile woman! Of course he senses your resentment poor lad won’t come down. Hopefully your dp will sense and ditch your arse!

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 16:26

You say you done it for he last 3years you never gave this poor lad a chance he’s just in the way of your dp and yours relationship and your precious son of course!

ItWillAllBeFine · 17/05/2018 16:28

"Whining on" says everything we need to know about you OP. And there's all sorts of ways of damaging people that's not " screaming in their face". You need to have a good hard look at yourself.

livefornaps · 17/05/2018 16:29

"Back to normal" as if your partner's first son was an anomaly.

Pretamum · 17/05/2018 16:29

But surely by "gritting your teeth" and "getting through" those 4 days a month he stays with you, you are cutting your nose off to spite your face. You aren't enjoying yourself by gritting your teeth and avoiding him, so why not try to make an effort with him or arranging a day out all 4 of you? Surely that would be more enjoyable than you finding excuses to keep away? Also, if you build up a positive relationship with him and he develops a bond with your baby, you might have an extra pair of hands to help out when he stays- when your baby is a toddler you'll find that you might want all the entertaining help you can get! A big brother around the house to distract him from tantrums or to babysit at night could be good in the near future.

swingofthings · 17/05/2018 16:31

You are so naive if you actually think thst your OH doesn't now how you feel about his DS. He knows very well but doesn't want to bring it up that's why he doesn't talk about it.

At the moment he is in denial, he is still in love with a new baby and his son is still coming and not complaining. Of course life couldn't get better for him.

Just wait until his son tells him that he doesn't want to see him any longer and that it's because he feels excluded from the family. Wait until you see your lovely OH turn around and start blaming you for it and push you and your baby as he becomes desperate to have him back in his life and that will take priority over your perfect set up or he gives up and becomes depressed and doesn't want to interact with your child becomes the guilt will eat him inside.

You come across as very smug but good things can't be taken for granted sometimes your feelings and actions come to but you later.

A4710Rider · 17/05/2018 16:31

This thread has made me sad.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/05/2018 16:32

Pretamum

Op has never had any intention of forming a relationship with this lad so she’s not going to start now especially given her updates, she doesn’t see the wrong in her behaviour towards this child. I can’t image how it most feel to be an outsider in your dads family.

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