Should I feel like this?

[Rubyandmillie1]

I met my partner 4 years ago, I knew he had a son and it didn’t faze me because I absolutely love my partner to pieces.
His son who’s 14, stays every other weekend.
We have a baby who is 10months and it’s definitely worse since they arrived as I just don’t see his son and never will see him as part of MY family but I understand he is my partners family.
He is polite, stays out the way most of the weekend in his room playing PlayStation so we don’t really see him much.
BUT I dread the weekend he’s coming over, I find it such an inconvenience, I try and plan things for the weekend he’s coming over so we see him even less or I go out so I don’t even have to be in the house.
I cannot wait for the day he doesn’t want to stay over anymore and hopefully just pops over ‘occasionally’.

I know I’ll get hate about this but it’s the way I feel. Anyone have similar?

I thought the same swing, poor kid

Step parenting is weird and awful and frankly I would thank anyone that wanted to be involved with my child and would understand anyone who didn't.

This ^

I like my stepdaughter... I'd put her on par with the nieces and nephews from DP side that were born before I met him in terms of how I feel about her... I have to really get myself in to the right frame of mind when she's coming over for an extended time... and if I'm struggling I remove myself from the situation as much as possible and use giving them one on one time as an excuse.

If we were to split in future and another woman felt the same way about my kids, I'd get it. They're mine and DP kids, not hers. If she liked them and wanted to be involved great. If she didn't...??? I'd rather she at least acknowledged the problem and took steps to remedy it either by going out when they were there or whatever.

OP is acknowledging how she feels and she shouldn't be berated for that. At least she IS acknowledging it. I think it's more common than a lot of people would care to admit.

(Should add we have a major ex wife problem which has significantly impacted my relationship with stepdaughter rightly or wrongly. If I were to separate I wouldn't behave in such a way that would put my kids in that position.)

Why can't you, DH and LO go somewhere in the morning before SS gets up? My parents did this when I was 14. I have a 9 month old and a 4 year old and I would resent being in all morning but you don't have to be

You are emotionally abusing this young man.

Silence speaks a thousand words and whilst he may not be related to you, he is to your child.

Yes teenagers do spend their lives on phones and whilst it may seem like a waste of time, I can bet you, just being with Dad in his home is a major part of it. That is normal family life- not disney life.

Oh and he will know - my 4 yr old knew the OW did not want them around and by 6 had worked out that activities were planned when they were not there that were fun and there time was a walk to the park. Do not underestimate beneath the feigned ennui - they do not realise.

This post is painfully sad and unbelievable nasty

Step parenting is weird and awful and frankly I would thank anyone that wanted to be involved with my child and would understand anyone who didn't.
???

We're not talking about random acquaintances choosing to be involved with a child - we're talking about the person the child's parent has chosen to marry. A person that has chosen to accept that role.
I know just how weird and difficult step parenting is but it's a role that step parents choose. No child chooses to be a step child.

And everyone who thinks it's fine if the step parent just withdraws, has clearly never had to support the child at the receiving end of that. My dd has been so hurt and confused by her step mother's lack of engagement. She's asked so many times why SM doesn't like her, or why does SM go to the gym as soon as she arrived at the house etc. etc. I have no doubt SM would categorically say that she is welcoming and kind to my dd and doesn't show her feelings to dd...

And it doesn't just affect the relationship between child and step parent. My dd can't understand why her dad chose to marry someone who clearly had no desire to be a step parent.

Funny because it's me who supports my step child when he feels abandoned by his actual mother.

I never took on this role. Dp had him every weekend and one night in the week when we met. I took on him being with us that often and me being a friendly adult in his life. I am now practically his mother.

We don't all know what it is we are signing up for.

Marrying someone who has a child is not signing up to be a step parent all the time.

Thank you to the few that understand. It is probably a very hidden common secret among a lot of families.... I’m just speaking the truth!

I’m happy for him to do things with his dad. I just don’t want to be involved.
I am not going to be classed as his step mum and never will.
I will never have feelings for him because he is nothing to do with me.

I love my partner and our baby more than life and will always make sure they are happy and loved but when it comes to my “stepson” I would rather take a step back and just let my partner be part of his life.

To the person who said how would I feel about not being involved with his life when he’s older with a family- I wouldn’t feel left out because I don’t want to be involved in any way. His children will not be MY grandchildren they’ll be my partners.

I am pleasant if he is in the same room as me. For people that know me personally (none of you do) they would all say I am such a lovely, kind, friendly person which I am..... taking on someone else’s child is just not easy for everyone!!

flamingofridays your post has no relevance to this thread.

You sound like a fantastic SM and your step dc is very fortunate to have you in their life. But your situation is nothing like the OP's.

There have been a number of SMs on this thread already who feel uncomfortable (at the very least) by the OP's attitude.

The fact that some of us are critical of a particular situation does NOT mean we are slagging off SMs in general.

I do think that sounds very sad for him. It does sound like you begrudge him the time with his dad and he is not welcome in your home. He has every bit as much right to be there as your own baby.

As pp have said, there's nothing stopping you going out at weekends. You can give him the option to either join you or have a lie in. He's old enough to be left in by himself. Martyring yourself by waiting for him to get up is ridiculous and justs breeds resentment. He and his dad can then go and see a film and get pizza or something and leave you to your misery and oh-so subtle avoidance tactics.

I hope nobody ever treats my son like that

I will never have feelings for him because he is nothing to do with me.

But he is your child's brother. When your baby is older and is asked if he has siblings he will say "yes a brother X". Your stepson's children will be your child's nieces and nephews. They may talk together some day about care arrangements for your husband.

I appreciate you don't feel anything for this boy but you need to get over the fantasy that once he turns 18 (or 16) and formal contact ends, you are over and out. He is in your child's life forever. If you love your baby more than life, you need to acknowledge that your stepson is an important person in his life.

You’re not stuck with this feeling. You can work on improving your empathy for the sake of everyone in the family. Counselling might help. Visualisation might help. Your baby growing older and bonding with his sibling might help.

But don’t just accept it or view it as immutable. It’s not healthy.

Rubyandmillie1

For people that know me personally (none of you do) they would all say I am such a lovely, kind, friendly person which I am.....

They would be mistaken wouldn't they?

taking on someone else’s child is just not easy for everyone!!

I'd say it isn't easy for anyone!

I wonder how you will feel when your DH, your DC and DSD choose to do things together as a family and leave you at home, because you have opted out of the family?

Sorry DSS

I hope that when your baby grows up he is the most obnoxious, rude, disobedient difficult teenager ever

Actually you know the irony here? Everyone in your household is related to this child who you so clearly despise apart from you. In fact you are the interloper here and your dh would do well to get rid.

It’s one thing to not feel you’re cut out to be a step parent. It’s not for everyone and personally I wouldn’t get involved with a man with children and would understand any man who didn’t want to be involved with me because I have children.

But to get involved with someone and then wish the stepchild would disappear because you feel you and your baby deserve all the attention is frankly pathetic. And if you honestly believe that most women feel this way then perhaps we need to start putting it out there that actually people shouldn’t be step parents or get into relationships until the stepchildren aren’t staying there any more. No? Didn’t think so.

It is relevant though. I'm saying you don't sign up to be a step parent. There is no 1 definition and you have no idea how you'll feel in the long term about someone's kids when you start dating.

Ops feelings are as valid as mine.

You can be critical of that but you can't just make feelings go away. You can work on them if you want to though.

Ad much as what going on isn't great at least op is happy for him to spend time with his dad which is what he's actually there for.

I find it odd that you apparently love your baby so much but are so indifferent to his sibling. I have a half sibling and the way some of my biological family dismissed her importance to me ruined our relationship. My stepmum loved the relationship we had with her baby when she was born and it definitely brought us all closer. Be prepared for your child you resent your treatment of his sibling as he grows up. And I'm shocked that your partner allows his son to be dismissed like this.

I spent my teen years living with my dad and stepmom, my sibling and my stepmums 2 kids. It became v evident after a while that she purposely went out of her way to make a point of how little she thought of my brother and I, and how her kids could do no wrong. She started out as being very nice, i used to absolutely adore her, but once they were married she changed her tune. She wasn't abusive, and of course I get that her kids were more of a priority than us, but it became clear she didn't want a lot to do with us and the atmosphere in the house became unbearable. Long story short, my dad and her got a divorce because my brother and I were so unhappy and the arguments between us, her kids and her were practically non stop. So OP, carry on this way if you want, it might work out for you. But if your SS is unhappy and has picked up on the way you feel (and teens aren't stupid, they're pretty perceptive), he may one day crack and get upset, or not want to visit anymore, if he tells his dad the reason why he is so upset, what makes you think your husband will side with you? You are potentially setting yourself up for future relationship issues, any dad worth his salt (and you must think he is worth his salt as you've had a child with him) will prioritise his children over anyone else. You are entitled to feel the way you feel, but that doesn't excuse being polite to him but then not actually engaging with him. Maybe if you tried to get to know him you might find a relationship between the 2 of you might be surprisingly enjoyable. It might also be really fucking hard to build a relationship with him, but I think you should at least try.

I always find it upsetting on MN how much of a hard time SM's get. Posts like yours OP make me realise why that happens. He is part of your family whether you like it or not. He is the son of the man you have chosen to spend your life with, and the brother of your DC. Yes, at times it is not easy, but that is your issue, not his, and you need to either commit to him as part of your family, or leave.

No you can’t help how you feel about the dc but you can do something about it e.g. leave the relationship. And any decent parent wouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who detested their children so much and so openly.

If a poster posted here that their partner was completely against their children, just wanted the weekends to be them and their biological children and couldn’t wait for the day the children didn’t want to come any more they would be told in no uncertain terms to get rid.

I do think you sound really harsh, Whilst I dont love my dss like my own and have had a hard time with his behaviour at times I have to still think to myself he is just a child I have to try for my husbands sake as well as his. I am finally getting there on establishing a friendship level with him through my persistance on trying.
I dated a man with a child I had to respect that fact hes there and will always be. To be so very disconnected to him as you are isnt in my view very kind more so the fact you wont even try.

flamingofridays
I'm saying you don't sign up to be a step parent

err....when you marry someone with dc that is exactly what you sign up to be! How you will feel, what shape the relationship takes etc etc may indeed be unknown. And I totally understand how feelings may change over time etc.

But to say "step-parenting is not for me, so I'm opting out " is in my view selfish and detrimental to the family as a whole, and the dss in particular.

For me it's along the same lines as someone saying (after they're married) that they had no idea how difficult monogamy would be so they have decided to have extra marital affairs. Not get divorced- just opt out of the part of the commitment that doesn't suit them.

It's actually really selfish as an adult to make on conscious decision to continue a relationship that forces a child to live part of the time with someone who resents them. You are dismissive of him, find him an inconvenience and are waiting for the day he disappears. What right do you have to impact this boy's relationship with his parent and sibling in this way? Why are your feelings more important than the needs of a child?

Also I would like to point out I am a huge supporter of stepmums on here, Very rarely would I not be supportive, They get a really hard time but its people like you who resent the child so deeply but wont fix it that annoy me.

*I try and plan things for the weekend he is coming over so we see him even less
*
Who is “we”? Who else’s relationship with him are you actively sabotaging?

Ok you sign up to be a "step parent" - there is no one definition of that.