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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepdaughter decided she doesn’t like me... new sm

185 replies

MS28 · 22/10/2017 17:57

So, my husband has two kids by two different women who live on different sides of the country. One weekend we are forced to go up north to see his oldest daughter, this takes us 3.5 hours driving and having to stay overnight at his mothers (who only has a one bedroom apartment) or we wouldn’t see his eldest ever.... his other lives 1.5 hours south with his ex girlfriend. They separated before her second birthday, she turns 10 next month.
When I first met both the oldest and youngest they both liked me and wanted to hang out, suddenly, the 10 year old can’t stand being in my presence, lies to my face about how she feels, and sends her dad drawings (when I had just moved here (from abroad) and we were engaged) of her, her mum, and him together as a family....
she has also started refusing to come up to ours on her weekend so my husband has to go down to his ex girlfriends and spend the day with her in his ex girlfriends house, or else he doesn’t get to see her... I respect that she wants alone time with her father and I am happy to go out whenever she comes to ours and or have them go out and do things together, so am unclear why he has to go down there when she wants “daddy time”.... he gets a massive guilt trip from the ex girlfriend about not ever seeing his daughter and how if she were him she would be doing whatever she could to see her whenever possible... the man works a full time job so he can support both kids (the ex girlfriend doesn’t work and the ex wife doesn’t make much) and has to see his other child on the other weekend and she was the one who moved down south to begin with.
I am sure this will come across as selfish, but we did end up making a schedule so we get one weekend a month for us, which means one month one girl misses a weekend, the next month the other girl misses a weekend. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, but the fit the ex girlfriend threw was immense... she couldn’t believe how selfish my husband was being and how he could not want to see his daughter. All he wants is to see his kids, that’s all he talks about.
It wasn’t this bad until we said I do..... I just want to have a happy marriage and I am sure that most people would disagree, but the kids aren’t going to be kids forever and putting them first all the time leaves you with nothing when they’re gone/grownup.
We have been together for 2 years married for only 10 months, and the last 10 months have been hell... of it doesn’t get better my marriage isn’t going to last.

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 23/10/2017 12:42

People are slating op dh contraception choices because op was slating the two women when it takes TWO I was highlighting he had a choice aswell and a responsibility not just the woman

HelloSquirrels · 23/10/2017 13:07

Was she? Where was she slating them. I missed the bit where she said those bitches didnt take the pill or get the implant Hmm

He was fucking married to one of them. When you plan a child i dont think you think oh what happens if we divorce and move away and then i have another child somewhere else.

howtodowills · 23/10/2017 13:08

QUITE squirrells

MaggieS41 · 23/10/2017 13:09

belle good for you on the considerate choices in your life and finding the right lifelong partner for you. It would be disappointing if there was no fairytale ending for everyone. And good for you and everyone else for not moving far away from your ex so that your DS’s father can nurture his relationship with his dad

Hmm
MaggieS41 · 23/10/2017 13:11

Agree squirrels

howtodowills · 23/10/2017 13:12

OP here's what I would do:

  1. Stop going up north. Have time to yourself.
  1. Get DP to discuss with ex #1 that DD could come to you on contact wkends.
  1. IMO DP travelling to ex#2 house is probably one of the reasons why the 10y/o has suddenly decided she doesn't like you. If she says that she'll get mum and dad in the same house and maybe in her eyes start getting them back together. My SD used to do this sort of stuff all the time.
SD can come to yours and her fathers house on her contact wkends but with lots of quality time just her and her dad.

I feel for you OP

Belleoftheball8 · 23/10/2017 13:30

He started dating the youngest's mother after his divorce, she was a bit older than him and reassured him over and over again that she was on some sort of contraceptive and that she could not get pregnant, of course, he believed her (I have heard this story from her myself so...) and for what ever reason was not being extra cautious, then not even a year after they started dating (as I said she was a bit older) she got pregnant,

Quote some sort of contraception doesn’t state what type. Ops dh had the opportunity to protect himself from contraception aswell he choose not to.

HelloSquirrels · 23/10/2017 13:32

WHY WOULD YOU NOT BELIEVE SOMEONE YOU WERE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH

Belleoftheball8 · 23/10/2017 13:34

Some form of contraception surely you would find out excately what contraception that was wouldn’t you?

Mustang27 · 23/10/2017 13:36

No I don’t think I’d want a break in that situation op if i was your husband I’d want to see both my kids as much as possible. Doesn’t really matter if you have a ring on your finger you don’t really get to dictate when and how he sees his children and unfortunately the dd that doesn’t like you may never grow out of it. My partner can’t stand his fathers wife and it’s well over 20yrs since they got together when he was a child. That’s how the cookie crumbles sometimes, you married a man knowing what his situation was so unfortunately you have to ‘put up and shut up’. His weekends at the mo are his kids. I actually can’t believe he wants a weekend off I think that sucks personally those girls see their dad once every 2 weeks and it’s not their fault and was never their choice you as an adult had a choice to enter this relationship. I think you are off your rocket personally.

Belleoftheball8 · 23/10/2017 13:39

Fact of the matter op refuses that her dh take responsibility for the situation at hand even though it’s of his own making both mothers didn’t ask that each other dc exist they do because of op dh. There has to be some responsibility here taken not complete blame being put at the two mothers.

Elkilil · 23/10/2017 13:53

I get it. It's hard not to have a break.. when parents are together they generally have each other to fall back on and take on some of the responcibility and when it's shared care they generally have a weekend or so off. I think parents need some time out too. So many of us are getting burnt out in the this day and age and I don't think that helps anyone.

It's unfortunate the ex gf moved away, I think if I had a child with someone I would be reluctant to do this. It really does impact the amount of time they can spend with the child especially as moving too is not always an option.

Unfortunatly it sounds that your DP is just going to stick it out for awhile, just be patient and I'm sure his youngest will come around. She is at a delicate age.

How old is the oldest?

Ellapaella · 23/10/2017 13:53

The teenager is unlikely to want to continue spending all day with her dad at weekends for long, soon she’ll start wanting to be with her friends over the weekend so it would be better for her to be able to come to you for day one weekend a month and school holidays? Once she’s old enough she can get the train.
Sounds like the younger one probably does need some time alone with her Dad, it is actually probably better for her to just see her dad on a one to one basis for now. You can start doing stuff all together in the future when she’s more settled and adjusted. I’m not judging you at all but as someone who is a step mum (dd is now a teen but I’ve been with her dad since she was a toddler) I really do think it’s best to back off a bit - it was years before I started spending every weekend with them both and we have an excellent relationship now. Please do remember that no matter what your dh thinks the children really are more important than your relationship at this time and if you love each other and are a strong couple you can survive a few weekends apart while the kids are young.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2017 14:40

Just put up and shut up!!!

How lovely Hmm

Lottie509 · 23/10/2017 15:08

Actually no I dont believe op has to put up or shut up, What a load of crap, The contact doesnt work. The sisters dont even get to see each other.
Its up to ALL of the parents in their life to arrange contact that works properly for all involved.

Chocolaterainbows · 23/10/2017 15:13

It wasn't aimed at you Lottie. A previous poster had said that the op needed to put up or shut up Smile

BeyondDespair · 23/10/2017 15:26

Some things that are bothering me here: 1. How much time do the two mothers get off? Does this concern (or cross the minds of) the poster and husband? 2. Why did one of the mothers decide to move so far away from the father? 3. Did the poster speak to either or both of the mothers before she married him? As someone said previously, the common denominator here is her husband.

Mustang27 · 23/10/2017 16:20

Beyond she is kinda of friends with his ex wife and has spoken to ex gf. She has known her dh for 13 years I think she said, sorry going from memory. I’m assuming that the further move was to relocate to be closer to family and or work commitments.

Sorry the “put up and shut up” may come across harsh but these are not new circumstances to op it seems strange for her to be put out now considering she has known this mans circumstances for a long time. I just don’t think she has a leg to stand on unfortunately.

Maybe dh could relocate work permitting to where at least one of his daughters stay then at least that solves some of the travel issue. I also realise that might not be an option.

Lottie509 · 23/10/2017 16:28

Chocolate my comment wasnt aimed at you it was at the pp who said it :)

Mustang, I feel in your reaction its like you are reading a different thread.

Lazy2Hazy · 23/10/2017 16:29

I really tried OP but when you said “we are forced” .....forced. They are his kids

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 16:32

I am happy that you have made your son your priority, that is your prerogative, but it is not necessarily right for every parent, single or not single, to do

It is. Every single parent. Anyone who doesn't is a very bad parent. And you are a bad stepmother, no wonder they don't like. It takes 5 seconds to work out why!

Louw12345 · 23/10/2017 16:40

Some how it would be better if you can get both children together. The 10 year old might not be happy knowing she has a sister and doesn't spend time with her. Also that you spend time with her sister and her dad together.

It's a hard situation but if you was having both children 3 weekends out of the month wouldn't that be better?

Also do you drive or the exs who could share pick ups drop offs or even meet half way.

Your husband needs to get them kids together their is no reason they shouldn't know each other or even spend time together.

I do feel the exes have an issue and the children are suffering.

Biglettuce · 23/10/2017 18:31

You’ve a man who is in a bit of a mess with his kids and exes.

I think for me that would be too much of a deal breaker. You’ll always be either trailing after him, or weekends on your own. No one gets a good deal, all are resentful.

Mustang27 · 23/10/2017 18:45

Fair enough Lottie.

sweetbitter · 24/10/2017 09:16

I agree with BigLettuce.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of how you all got into this situation and whether the contact schedule is reasonable...you're in a logistical and emotional nightmare of a situation here. I would not want to spend my life like this regardless of whether I had one weekend a month just for me and DP or not. Are you sure you really want this?