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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepdaughter decided she doesn’t like me... new sm

185 replies

MS28 · 22/10/2017 17:57

So, my husband has two kids by two different women who live on different sides of the country. One weekend we are forced to go up north to see his oldest daughter, this takes us 3.5 hours driving and having to stay overnight at his mothers (who only has a one bedroom apartment) or we wouldn’t see his eldest ever.... his other lives 1.5 hours south with his ex girlfriend. They separated before her second birthday, she turns 10 next month.
When I first met both the oldest and youngest they both liked me and wanted to hang out, suddenly, the 10 year old can’t stand being in my presence, lies to my face about how she feels, and sends her dad drawings (when I had just moved here (from abroad) and we were engaged) of her, her mum, and him together as a family....
she has also started refusing to come up to ours on her weekend so my husband has to go down to his ex girlfriends and spend the day with her in his ex girlfriends house, or else he doesn’t get to see her... I respect that she wants alone time with her father and I am happy to go out whenever she comes to ours and or have them go out and do things together, so am unclear why he has to go down there when she wants “daddy time”.... he gets a massive guilt trip from the ex girlfriend about not ever seeing his daughter and how if she were him she would be doing whatever she could to see her whenever possible... the man works a full time job so he can support both kids (the ex girlfriend doesn’t work and the ex wife doesn’t make much) and has to see his other child on the other weekend and she was the one who moved down south to begin with.
I am sure this will come across as selfish, but we did end up making a schedule so we get one weekend a month for us, which means one month one girl misses a weekend, the next month the other girl misses a weekend. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, but the fit the ex girlfriend threw was immense... she couldn’t believe how selfish my husband was being and how he could not want to see his daughter. All he wants is to see his kids, that’s all he talks about.
It wasn’t this bad until we said I do..... I just want to have a happy marriage and I am sure that most people would disagree, but the kids aren’t going to be kids forever and putting them first all the time leaves you with nothing when they’re gone/grownup.
We have been together for 2 years married for only 10 months, and the last 10 months have been hell... of it doesn’t get better my marriage isn’t going to last.

OP posts:
WildRosesGrow · 22/10/2017 21:13

I think most parents spend pretty much all of their weekends with their children, particularly when they are very young. When they get a bit older they might be less interested but given that they don't see their Dad during the week, then once a month does sound like he wouldn't have much of a presence in their life.

I can understand how tiring this must be for your husband and you but it is difficult to see how it can be improved. Is there a way that you and your husband can carve out some time together during the week? e.g. having a night out together? Unlike many parents, you don't have to worry about finding babysitters or children interrupting a quiet night at home together, so make the most of this and nurture your relationship on the 5/6 nights a week where you will be at home together.

DeadDoorpost · 22/10/2017 21:13

From personal experience I'd say that the 10 yo is being influences by the mum. I didn't really like my step mum when I first met her, then I lived with her and she was amazing. What I didn't realise was the fact that at the time, my own DM had been saying things to me and it was affecting my own view of my step mum. I was 8/9.
Personally I think your DH is doing the best he can. My dad couldn't always see us as often as he liked but he would make sure he phoned us every week at least once, until we started living with him. Can't say my DM did the same. She complained more than trying to see us. And she did the bare minimum for work so she didn't have a lot of spare money and then complained more. not bitter nope

nvcontrolfreak · 22/10/2017 21:14

OP, I have no experience of stepfamilies, but lots of experience working in a stressful job and travelling. You and your DH are doing the right thing, otherwise he'll crack up.

Quite frankly, I don't see why his ex's can't bring the girls over to yours instead of him going there especially if they are not working. Or he picks up the eldest, brings her to yours on Saturday morning and mum picks up on Sunday night. At least every other of her weekends.

The situation with the youngest is odd, I would suggest the same as MaggieS41 - have your weekend at home but tell both they are welcome to visit.

The contact is not just your DH's responsibility, their mothers need to do stuff to enable it as well, like driving the kids to yours, at least on occasion.

And if you have your own children then the whole routine will need to be revisited as well and much healthier for the kids to come over to yours and spend time as a family (and with each other).

You have my sympathies OP. Sounds tough. Lots of self righteousness on this thread.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/10/2017 21:24

Has your Dh considered changing his job to one that involves less travel.

He has a lot going on with his life and something needs to give. It shouldn't be his relationship with his children. He should be looking at other options first.

When you are a parent, especially a single parent it is normal for your job to be restricted by your obligations to your children

MaggieS41 · 22/10/2017 21:25

Fafoutis sounds shit for you.

Not all step mums win. I know that from siblings that have been through it. It’s usually because both or one the parent are/is too immature to manage it appropriately and use their kids to win ‘battles’ to the detriment of the child’s wellbeing.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:26

Actually the exgirldfriend did sit me down and told me all about their relationship and what her expectations for me being in their life was... she had had a few glasses of wine at that point and was very chatty and it was a bit shocking.
The ex wife and I have had several conversations about their relationship while they were married etc, we have even been on a vacation together just “us girls” her and the teen and myself...
I am grateful for the helpful post from this thread maybe I will suggest to my husband he asks the ex’s about the weekend pickups/drop offs. The kids are always welcome anytime they want to come when/as someone can arrange for the pickup drop offs.... they know that as well but are not old enough to act with out adult input. I hope it all works out in the end, I miss the 10 year old, she’s adventurous and fun, and hate the stress this whole thing is creating.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:28

It's a weak father in my case. The latest step mother always comes first and always has. It's very common from what I see on MN.
It's a rare woman who can be a good stepmother.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:29

@rainbowqueen
If he changed jobs he wouldn’t be able to afford to pay child support, his own bills, and our joint bills... he has also worked really hard to get this global role and if he took a step back at this point in his life it would be career suicide. Since the girls primary parent is their mothers (again both mothers chose that) then he wouldn’t be able to justify taking a pay cut or lesser position to take care of them when they’re not with us full time.

OP posts:
Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:30

@fafoutis
Are you a step parent?

OP posts:
5BlueHydrangea · 22/10/2017 21:30

So many of you are saying he is not doing enough but honestly I think the plan to have every 3rd weekend at home is sensible. He is working, travelling, married, where is his downtime??
Being a non-resident father is never going to be the same as a resident one. Kids are adaptable and would cope. It sounds as though there is a lot of phone/online contact between visits so the relationship is upheld in that way.
(And I say this where dd1 has always had an absent father)

Autumnfalling · 22/10/2017 21:31

Everytime I read one of these threads I thank my lucky fucking stars that both of my ex’s have amazing partners who love my dc to bits.

In fact I’m going to text them now and tell them yet again!

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:36

God no. I would not be a good one, I'm far too fucked up.

I have had a few stepmothers though. I have done many years of being taken to wildlife parks once a month by my father and a resentful woman who has driven too far.

HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 21:38

It's a rare woman who can be a good stepmother

Keep your vile (incorrect) opinions to yourself.

Op its hard and to be honest i dont really understand why youre getting slated because none of this is your fault.

Your dh moved away from one child and the mother moved with the other one is that right? None of thats up to you.

Honestly, when hes visiting his kids i wouldn't even go. Id keep offering them to stay with you, keep in touch with them and if they ask to see you then go.

To all the posters saying move closer to one child - which one and how is that a) fair or b) solving anything?

And as for the mothers doing the work - they arent travelling at all and they could have more time to themselves if they allowed the kids to stay with op. A lot of people would jump at the chance of a child free weekend.. i would!

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 21:38

For those defending this man he was so reckless to have unprotected sex that resulted in having two daughters who don’t even have a relationship at opposite ends of the country. That’s not the actions of a father doing his best. Mothers get slagged off for having dc to more than one man but at least they care for their children which is what both women are doing on their own. This man sees his children once-twice a month. I have DS with ex he has him over night twice a week and holidays and plays an active role in his life. He met his wife and waited several years before having another child who has a sibling relationship with ds how it should be. Your dh is a product of his own making he needs to suck up and do what’s best for his dc.

SuzukiLi · 22/10/2017 21:38

Put it this way, my father drove 3 hours every single Friday night to pick me up and then drive me 3 hours back to his, spend the weekend with me and wake up at half 5 to take me 3 hours to school on the Monday morning because he missed me that much during the week and wanted that one extra night with me.

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:40

Vile!!?????

HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 21:41

Many women including myself are fantastic stepmothers. Just because youve had a bad experience doesnt mean that its rare to find a good one.

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:42

This reply has been deleted

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HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 21:43

Considering my step son chose to live with me rather than his own mother id say i cant be that bad. Again, keep your vile opinions to yourself.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:43

Sorry to hear you had bad experiences with your step mothers.
The teen loves the wildlife parks and animals in general, she likes cooking, loves music, she is a great guitar player and has a voice like an angel. So we try to do activities around those interest when we only have weekends sometimes we both go with her sometimes she request just me (shocker I know) or just her dad. When we have longer on school holidays we have movie nights and do chill days at home in addition to museums and whatever else... the 10 year old is more sports oriented so we try and take her to a football match, her dad takes her to the park and they are gone for hours just kicking the ball around, sometimes they take the dog with them, she is trying to teach him how to “play on her team”. She enjoys board games as well and usually has a stream of request for particular games.. she appreciates cooking as well and usually asks me to make brownies or cookies or cake with her.
We are running out of ideas with the teen though because lately I am cool, dad is not, and she would rather hang with her friends anyhow...

OP posts:
Ohwell14 · 22/10/2017 21:43

I stopped after the second sentence where you say you are forced to go up there. Your dh may feel like he has to because they are HIS children. If you don't like going then don't go. If he didn't want all of this time taken up visiting his kids he shouldn't of had them. But it sounds like he is trying his hardest to make an effort and you are the one complaining you have no time together

BabyOrSanta · 22/10/2017 21:43

Suzuki
That's the problem - for some reason the 10 year old now doesn't seem to want to stay with her father anymore. If she did, she'd have more time with him

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:46

It's an internet forum, not your front room squirrels.

HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 21:47

You cant expect to tell me im kidding muself that im a good step mother and me not say anything.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:48

As for my husband doing this to himself, his ex wife was his wife.... why wouldn’t he have unprotected sex with her at the time? And should he have been more careful with the ex girlfriend, sure, but he trusted her, and he does everything in his power to see the eldest who he moved away from and the youngest, who’s mother moved away from him, and he works hard to support them all financially. He sees them whenever he is allowed by their mothers, holidays when they allow it, weekends that are his, when he is allowed to sort it himself, otherwise he does what the mother has already planned, and he does it all the best he can. He would love to live down the street from both of them and have them have a relationship with each other, but they have mothers that have to be consulted and would have to agree to all that. It’s not up to him, and it hasn’t been since those girls were born.

OP posts: