Stepdaughter decided she doesn’t like me... new sm

[MS28]

So, my husband has two kids by two different women who live on different sides of the country. One weekend we are forced to go up north to see his oldest daughter, this takes us 3.5 hours driving and having to stay overnight at his mothers (who only has a one bedroom apartment) or we wouldn’t see his eldest ever.... his other lives 1.5 hours south with his ex girlfriend. They separated before her second birthday, she turns 10 next month.
When I first met both the oldest and youngest they both liked me and wanted to hang out, suddenly, the 10 year old can’t stand being in my presence, lies to my face about how she feels, and sends her dad drawings (when I had just moved here (from abroad) and we were engaged) of her, her mum, and him together as a family....
she has also started refusing to come up to ours on her weekend so my husband has to go down to his ex girlfriends and spend the day with her in his ex girlfriends house, or else he doesn’t get to see her... I respect that she wants alone time with her father and I am happy to go out whenever she comes to ours and or have them go out and do things together, so am unclear why he has to go down there when she wants “daddy time”.... he gets a massive guilt trip from the ex girlfriend about not ever seeing his daughter and how if she were him she would be doing whatever she could to see her whenever possible... the man works a full time job so he can support both kids (the ex girlfriend doesn’t work and the ex wife doesn’t make much) and has to see his other child on the other weekend and she was the one who moved down south to begin with.
I am sure this will come across as selfish, but we did end up making a schedule so we get one weekend a month for us, which means one month one girl misses a weekend, the next month the other girl misses a weekend. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, but the fit the ex girlfriend threw was immense... she couldn’t believe how selfish my husband was being and how he could not want to see his daughter. All he wants is to see his kids, that’s all he talks about.
It wasn’t this bad until we said I do..... I just want to have a happy marriage and I am sure that most people would disagree, but the kids aren’t going to be kids forever and putting them first all the time leaves you with nothing when they’re gone/grownup.
We have been together for 2 years married for only 10 months, and the last 10 months have been hell... of it doesn’t get better my marriage isn’t going to last.

People are talking about how much time the mothers have off....

Don't they both work p/t? (Sure op said that upthread?)

Do assuming the girls are both at school they have quite a lot of time off!!!!!

OP,

It all sounds exhausting. I wouldn't marry a man in his situation, because of this very problem and the 'baby mama drama', however, you're entitled to a weekend together. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm surprised your DH is getting a hard time for having 2 kids with 2 women.

Many women come on here having got pregnant with a man they've known a short time..... I don't support those situations BTW.

If I was you, I'd leave him to travel over some of the times by himself. Give yourself a rest.

So often these threads are full of people whose DCs have a stepparent in their life & have an axe to grind. Its depressing. My experience of having a SM was awful but I don't assume that people asking for advice on MN are like that - I assume they genuinely want advice.

In this case it seems reasonable that the couple want a bit of time alone together - the travel schedule sounds exhausting! I wonder why the DMs of the 2 DDs can't do anything to make things a bit more workable. Especially the one not working! Having always been a FT working single parent (DC's DF in another country, didn't contribute anything) I don't think its an option to decide not to work.

I also shudder a bit at the idea of always doing what children think they want - when they are too young to make reasoned decisions. As a teacher, I have noticed an astonishing increase in feelings of entitlement/being the centre of the universe among some young people and it doesn't make them happy or in the least resilient to deal with everyday life.

Its a hard situation, but hardest on the kids. seeing a child once a month isnt parenting really. they will only be this young for a very short while. I would try to give them all the weekends. You have holidays together. Resident parents dont get weekends off abd 247 parenting can be just a gruelling as a long journey.

I have noticed an astonishing increase in feelings of entitlement/being the centre of the universe among some young people and it doesn't make them happy or in the least resilient to deal with everyday life.
I totally agree, however, in this case, it's about a change made to suit not the child, not the father, but the OP. That's where the resentment comes first.

If the father had agreed from the start to that arrangement, then his children would have accepted it more easily than having to see yet even less of the father, because of OP's demands, even though she went into it knowing of this situation.

The kids only had 18 months or more likely less than that as probably didn't meet them right away, especially if coming from abroad to get used to them being a permanent fixture in their lives. To then having to accept seeing even less of their dad must have been very tough to accept.

There are arguments about the rights and wrongs of it all, but at the end of the day your dh is human, he cannot possibly carry chasing his tail like this without getting burnt out and ill which will serve no-one.I think the answer is to move nearer to one of them

Haven't read the whole thread, just the first page. I think the 10yo should not refuse to see you. Children shouldn't come first in this way: I, the child, will destroy the life of my father and make sure he has no one. Surely her life is tough, but it is already tough, it won't be remedied by an extra week-end without new partner of the father. This will not heal the daughter.

Furthermore, if her dad goes depressed, unhappy, etc, - he won't be able to support her later in life, when she will also need him (to go through Uni, etc). That's why parents should decide, not children. Children will ultimately benefit from healthy parents, and they can very effectively self-destroy, actually, if left to their own devices.

OK, life is like this now; men like your husband exist. It doesn't mean they need to stop having a life or list as an instrument from now on, serving the children. It will never work this way and it won't be good for the kids either.

Well that was a read and a half PHEW!

OP, I don't think you should waste your time or energy thinking about how this mess was created. It is what it is and your energy should be spent on how to make this a bit better.

Can your OH skype his daughters every other night? Just a ten minute catch up on what is going on in their lives, how school went, what song has she just written or learnt to play on her guitar. (Eldest) What the youngest likes to play at the minute, what is she wearing, where did she get it. Just day to day chatter.
Anything to get to know them better. 18-20ish hours a month is just not enough to maintain a close relationship.

Can you ring the little ones Mum? Is she open to that? Ask her why her daughter doesn't want to spend time with you, ask her if she thinks you can fix it in any way. Tell Mum how much the little one means to you.

I'm so shocked by some of the rude commentors!

DON'T LISTEN TO THE HATEFUL COMMENTS OP

Well done for taking on a man with step-children and opening your heart and home.

Your DP happiness and sanity is also important. There is nothing wrong with having one weekend to yourself. Just make sure that the other visits are not affected and always encourage and support these visits as you have been doing. Don't resent them (I'm not suggesting you have, it can sometimes just come along too easily with the territory). See it as your duty as their secondary care giver. One weekend off a month is fine as long as it stays with only one and all other visits stay the same.