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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepdaughter decided she doesn’t like me... new sm

185 replies

MS28 · 22/10/2017 17:57

So, my husband has two kids by two different women who live on different sides of the country. One weekend we are forced to go up north to see his oldest daughter, this takes us 3.5 hours driving and having to stay overnight at his mothers (who only has a one bedroom apartment) or we wouldn’t see his eldest ever.... his other lives 1.5 hours south with his ex girlfriend. They separated before her second birthday, she turns 10 next month.
When I first met both the oldest and youngest they both liked me and wanted to hang out, suddenly, the 10 year old can’t stand being in my presence, lies to my face about how she feels, and sends her dad drawings (when I had just moved here (from abroad) and we were engaged) of her, her mum, and him together as a family....
she has also started refusing to come up to ours on her weekend so my husband has to go down to his ex girlfriends and spend the day with her in his ex girlfriends house, or else he doesn’t get to see her... I respect that she wants alone time with her father and I am happy to go out whenever she comes to ours and or have them go out and do things together, so am unclear why he has to go down there when she wants “daddy time”.... he gets a massive guilt trip from the ex girlfriend about not ever seeing his daughter and how if she were him she would be doing whatever she could to see her whenever possible... the man works a full time job so he can support both kids (the ex girlfriend doesn’t work and the ex wife doesn’t make much) and has to see his other child on the other weekend and she was the one who moved down south to begin with.
I am sure this will come across as selfish, but we did end up making a schedule so we get one weekend a month for us, which means one month one girl misses a weekend, the next month the other girl misses a weekend. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, but the fit the ex girlfriend threw was immense... she couldn’t believe how selfish my husband was being and how he could not want to see his daughter. All he wants is to see his kids, that’s all he talks about.
It wasn’t this bad until we said I do..... I just want to have a happy marriage and I am sure that most people would disagree, but the kids aren’t going to be kids forever and putting them first all the time leaves you with nothing when they’re gone/grownup.
We have been together for 2 years married for only 10 months, and the last 10 months have been hell... of it doesn’t get better my marriage isn’t going to last.

OP posts:
BonjourMeDarlin · 22/10/2017 20:11

He doesn’t have ‘a full time job to support his kids’ Most people have a full time job. (He has a legal and moral responsibility to support both his children of course)

NorthernLurker · 22/10/2017 20:12

You don't have kids do you op? Please leave it that way. This situation is complex enough and your attitude to these kids sucks tbh. You knew what you were getting into, they have no choices at all.

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 20:13

I hope to god your not planning of having dc of your own because I would imagine their time would be divided further

HundredMilesAnHour · 22/10/2017 20:14

You seem to be missing a really important point here.....these two children don't appear to be getting any time alone with their father. Are you always present? It seems like you are.

Even as an adult it is VERY frustrating to never get any time alone with my father and have his other half there all the time (regardless of liking her or not).

You need to let these children spend time alone with their father and if that means you stay home alone for two weekends each month, so be it. You knew what you were getting into when you married him, whereas these poor kids have had no say in what is happening to them. You need to put the kids first and stop being selfish. I realise that you won't like the selfish comment but unfortunately that's what it is. It's understandable but you choose to marry a man who has two children with two different women. This is the price you - and he - pay. It shouldn't be the children paying the price for their father's love life!

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 20:14

Is no-one actually reading what I am typing? I do not go on the visits with the youngest, per her request, whereas previously she was requesting to see me every time... I have actually known them all since they were born as I met him through his father, their grandfather...
I am sorry @DaisysStew that you have had such a hard time with your ex. I am happy that you have made your son your priority, that is your prerogative, but it is not necessarily right for every parent, single or not single, to do. I am not depriving them of anything, in fact, they have increased over all contact time because they can come to ours more often (as I am available (I work from home or can take them with me to work) on all school holidays) and have gotten to see each other twice in one year since I have come along... Again, just because your situation is terrible, does not mean that you should compare ours to yours.

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 20:17

You just don’t get it there’s a reason the youngest doesn’t want to see you and doesn’t want to go to your home.

NorthernLurker · 22/10/2017 20:17

Yes we are reading it. The kid had to ask for you to back off. That's not good.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 20:21

@hundredmilesanhour
Both girls get alone time with their father on their weekends. Even if they are at ours for school holidays I make it a point to leave my house to make sure they do, or make sure they go do an activity alone with their father.
@belleoftheball8
I am not sure what a genuine stepmother should be like. I care for the kids, I go out of my way to ensure that they know that they have an extra pair of shoulders to cry on, ears to listen, and genuine support, myself and the teen have close relationship, she shares a lot with me and I don't take that for granted. The youngest and I (I thought), were getting along fine. then suddenly, two months ago, her mother started saying that if my husband didn't go down and spend the day at her house in her house he would not be seeing his daughter that weekend... Of course, he went, but this has continued. So what has suddenly happened that makes her not like me?
She gets time alone with her dad when here or when not, so does the eldest, she has access to him whenever she likes by phone, text, FaceTime, what have you. So I am not really sure how I have become this terrible "give step mothers a bad name" person...
To be fair, there is no manual for this, and I think we all have to do our best with the situations we are given.

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 22/10/2017 20:21

The 10 year old needs some time alone with her dad. You sound stressed. Take a step back and have some time for yourself.

DaisysStew · 22/10/2017 20:22

I didn't write that to get faux sympathy- you told me to try being in your DHs position with no time to himself. I was merely pointing out that most parents (single and couples living together) don't get regular child free time. At least not an entire weekend every month.

And I think it's very telling that you consider spending 24/7 with your child a "terrible situation". I would consider your situation much more "terrible" than mine.

SuzukiLi · 22/10/2017 20:22

I am happy that you have made your son your priority, that is your prerogative, but it is not necessarily right for every parent, single or not single, to do

Theres your issue. You just don't get it.

SparklyMagpie · 22/10/2017 20:23

Wonder what you'd think if this was being done to your child?

Dozer · 22/10/2017 20:25

YOu are not their stepmother. You are their father’s partner. They barely get to see him - partly due to his decisions - and in the limited time with him may want to see him alone.

Dozer · 22/10/2017 20:26

No time to himself?!?

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 20:26

@SuzukiLi, you're right, I don't, and I don't pretend too. I would probably be considered a terrible mother if I had my own children, because I would send them to their grandparents once a month for a whole weekend if possible, and I also believe in boarding school....

OP posts:
Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 20:28

@Dozer, on the one weekend a month he usually uses the time to catch up on sleep and regroup for work.
He travels extensively for work, so he is perpetually jet-lagged, exhausted, or in some other way sleep deprived.

OP posts:
SuzukiLi · 22/10/2017 20:29

So why marry a man with kids?

CherriesInTheSnow · 22/10/2017 20:29

It's not right for some parents to make their children their priority? Confused

If you are a decent step parent you will understand that the decisions you make affect all DC involved, and you should be willing to make the same sacrifices the parent is willing to make regarding arrangements - I know it seems harsh and maybe even unreasonable but this is the reality of becoming the family of someone who already has children.

I honesty do sympathise with both of you as it sounds like an incredibly impractical situation for everyone involved, but those are the breaks I'm afraid. Children need to be priority number one in their parents eyes, it's so important for them and your attitude towards that in particular is a little disturbing.

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 20:30

Il lay it out for you.

Your attitude about being forced up north when realistically you don’t have to go no one is forcing you.

The fact you do not think a 10year old should not be dictating when in reality the 10year doesn’t feel comfortable being around you or going to your home in the two years you’ve been together and the level of access she must have seen you about 20 times.

The fact you feel that despite your dh creates two dd to two different woman opposite ends of the country but doesn’t move closer to one of them but you put blame of both mothers who are single parents without a proper break, without proper parental input from your dh Skype texting just doesn’t cut the mustard.

You put blame on both women who don’t know each other but don’t blame your dh for his actions that have created this situation.

Your fairly new on the scene two years is nothing the fact you married after a year barely knowing his dc. You need to back off.

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/10/2017 20:31

This is a situation of your partner’s making. It is tough for the adults but much worse for the children.
It will only be a few years until the children will decide whether they want to give up their social lives for this until then your partner has to do his best and I don’t personally think that having weekends off for himself is alright at the moment particularly if his DD is struggling.

NorthernLurker · 22/10/2017 20:33

Your husband has made choices about his work, his marriage, where he lives. What choices have these kids made? One of them has chosen not to spend time with a person who doesn't think she should be her fathers priority. Sounds fair enough to me.

DaisysStew · 22/10/2017 20:33

There wouldn't be an issue with your sending the children once a month to your their GPs - because they would be living in your home and seeing you every day. The issue now is each of your DHs children only get 2 weekends a months, and he has chosen to cut that down to have time to himself. He has every weekday childfree. Can you not see how that would make his child feel rejected? That he could see her more but feels that his new wife is more deserving of his time? (I would like to point out this isn't slamming NRPs, just those that choose of their own accord to cut down on already sparse contact)

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 20:33

I married a man with children, because I loved him. I do care for the children, and they know I do, and while my attitude may be disturbing to some, it's amazing most people made it to adult hood, because I know for a fact my parents didn't make me their number one priority, their relationship with God, then their marriage, then the kids were the priority list, and I didn't turn out to be that horrible of a person from it, and they made sure I knew what the priorities were...

OP posts:
LondonLassInTheCountry · 22/10/2017 20:36

He doesnt spend much time with them...

Let them spend time with just them and their father..

You dont have to go on every visit.
If you feel like you want to go on a drive with him... Stay in the hotel or at his parents and let them have alone time. No need for u to be there all the time

SuzukiLi · 22/10/2017 20:36

I wouldn't be surprised if the daughters relationship with their father fizzles out. And I hope he makes the right decision and chooses them over you.