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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepdaughter decided she doesn’t like me... new sm

185 replies

MS28 · 22/10/2017 17:57

So, my husband has two kids by two different women who live on different sides of the country. One weekend we are forced to go up north to see his oldest daughter, this takes us 3.5 hours driving and having to stay overnight at his mothers (who only has a one bedroom apartment) or we wouldn’t see his eldest ever.... his other lives 1.5 hours south with his ex girlfriend. They separated before her second birthday, she turns 10 next month.
When I first met both the oldest and youngest they both liked me and wanted to hang out, suddenly, the 10 year old can’t stand being in my presence, lies to my face about how she feels, and sends her dad drawings (when I had just moved here (from abroad) and we were engaged) of her, her mum, and him together as a family....
she has also started refusing to come up to ours on her weekend so my husband has to go down to his ex girlfriends and spend the day with her in his ex girlfriends house, or else he doesn’t get to see her... I respect that she wants alone time with her father and I am happy to go out whenever she comes to ours and or have them go out and do things together, so am unclear why he has to go down there when she wants “daddy time”.... he gets a massive guilt trip from the ex girlfriend about not ever seeing his daughter and how if she were him she would be doing whatever she could to see her whenever possible... the man works a full time job so he can support both kids (the ex girlfriend doesn’t work and the ex wife doesn’t make much) and has to see his other child on the other weekend and she was the one who moved down south to begin with.
I am sure this will come across as selfish, but we did end up making a schedule so we get one weekend a month for us, which means one month one girl misses a weekend, the next month the other girl misses a weekend. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, but the fit the ex girlfriend threw was immense... she couldn’t believe how selfish my husband was being and how he could not want to see his daughter. All he wants is to see his kids, that’s all he talks about.
It wasn’t this bad until we said I do..... I just want to have a happy marriage and I am sure that most people would disagree, but the kids aren’t going to be kids forever and putting them first all the time leaves you with nothing when they’re gone/grownup.
We have been together for 2 years married for only 10 months, and the last 10 months have been hell... of it doesn’t get better my marriage isn’t going to last.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:49

Calm down a bit squirrels.

HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 21:50

I am calm. Just dont appreciate your attitude that all step mothers are shit.

SuzukiLi · 22/10/2017 21:50

baby
I know, I'm just making a point that distance shouldn't effect the level of commitment a father shows to seeing his child.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:51

I am also complaining about having to stay with my mother in law.... honestly, unless you absolutely love your mother in law, which is awesome, who wouldn’t complain? I respect the woman, she gave birth to my husband, but staying with her is almost torture...

OP posts:
Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:53

Pretty sure that it shows even more commitment on his part that he’s the only one doing any of the traveling, only one trying to make plans and communicate and honestly has given up his entire life for that visitation

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:53

Most, not all. And not 'shit' but not really up to it.

You may be a good one, there's room for that in my theory.

NorthernLurker · 22/10/2017 21:54

Oh get over yourself. These kids have mothers who have actually given up their whole lives, because that's what you do for your kids.

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 21:54

Because after one failed relationship with a child he should have taken responsibility for his own sexual health especially in a NEW relationship and used a condom aswell as her additional contraception you cannot lie blame solely on the mother here it takes two people and your dh already had a child which he CHOOSEN to MOVE away from. He therefore needs to take responsibility for the current situation he is in and suck it up. It’s amazing how other adults manage to have additional children to their previous ones without affecting their relationship with them. It can be done I know as I speak from experience as mother not all SM are evil but to be a good one you need to have an awareness for the bigger picture and how things affect everyone as a whole not just yourself.

SuzukiLi · 22/10/2017 21:55

My dad also was the only one who did any of the travelling. What's your point?

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:55

MS28 do not go with him. You are not doing yourself or anyone else (here I mean the daughters) any good in going with him.

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 21:56

Why on earth should the eldest mother facilitate travelling to yours when your dh moves away in the first place?

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 21:57

Op you do not have to go up with him and stay with your mil you can easily stay at home no one is forcing you.

HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 21:58

Not really up to it? Right.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 22:02

I really don’t think you have a right to say my husband isn’t a good father to his kids, but I will say I am an awful stepmother, apparently the 10 year old still believes in Father Christmas and I apparently ruined that for her....

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 22:04

He isn’t a good father if he was he would have been more careful not to father another child in a relationship with some he barely new for a start.

Dozer · 22/10/2017 22:05

You don’t need to go with him to visit his DD1.

HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 22:05

Ah yes because all parents who have children that arent planned are bad parents Hmm

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 22:12

They are if you already have existing children and are reckless with people that you don’t know well therefore having multiple children to different woman none of which he’s with.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 22:16

He did try and make it work with both of the women’s, and sometimes it just doesn’t work out, but children do happened sometimes unplanned, as well...

OP posts:
HelloSquirrels · 22/10/2017 22:17

Right then. Are mothers who have several children to different fathers shit too then?

The second mother moved away from him. They both seemingly do not make it easy re contact. They dont want the kids to have a relationship with each other. It's not all on him is it?

DaisysStew · 22/10/2017 22:19

Are mothers who have several children to different fathers shit too then?

If they only see them twice a month and then cut down on that by a quarter because they feel they deserve some time to themselves then yes absolutely.

Detentioncontent · 22/10/2017 22:47

If you have ruined Santa for the ten year old then I can see why she might be pissed at you BUT I wonder if above all this is a kid who must only see her Dad for eight or so hours for 6 months of the year now he's taken a weekend off, possibly feeling rejected or not wanted, she's going to be looking for someone to blame. Lots of kids have fantasies of getting their parents back together.

I had to laugh at the irony of the Dad in this post being so tired he needs an Ickle weekend off while his children's mothers get one day off or two part days off a month half of the year.
Yes he works and has a busy job but so do lots of people and it you had the kids full time you would have to manage it.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 22/10/2017 22:50

He is working, travelling, married, where is his downtime??

Where is the downtime for the mother's concerned? I am a single parent to three children, I work full time in a demanding role, I have a second job in the evenings to help make ends meet, my ex sees the children fortnightly overnight - during which time I work (job 3). Where is my downtime? I couldn't face a relationship let alone make time for one. If I were to be moan, drop a job, or anything else there would be thousands shouting it was my fault for having children with a useless man and how dare I expect the taxpayer to help out. If I were to have a partner, there are many who would say I wasn't caring for my children, or putting them first and what did I expect as the PWC cos that was my choice, after all.

The reality of separated parenting is that thousands of us don't have a minute. Ever. It is difficult to be sympathetic in such circumstances.

keeponworking · 22/10/2017 22:51

OP obviously I don't know your 10yo SD but my own daughter (now 15) finds contact and the switch from one place to another (she used to travel to her dad's for contact) disconcerting and she was getting to the age where she didn't want to be away from her friends and her weekend activities (this was at about 10-11 yo) and now, the only way she'd go to her dad's for anything more than a few hours, is if she can take a friend. Could some of this change just be that she doesn't want to be away from her mates??? Not sure of the exact details of how the visit works when you see her but would it help to take her and a mate out bowling or something like that, or offer to accommodate her AND a friend so that they can come to you? When I divorced I had no choice but to move further north and west to find affordable housing - I insisted on going halfway every other weekend for the contact so it was fair on XH even though I worked full time and had absolutely no support whatsoever with the children. Since contact broke down I've not had a weekend to myself for four years - and I do all the care all the time, just saying. But I always supported contact until the point that contact was affecting my DDs mental health even though I thought I would die of exhaustion. Also, if she was with a friend, could she be safely put on a train to meet you at a slightly nearer point or would that not work to help reduce the travel burden on your other half? Random thoughts, sorry, it's late and I'm rambling!!

NorthernLurker · 22/10/2017 22:54

Wtf did you do re Father Christmas? How was that any of your business?