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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepdaughter decided she doesn’t like me... new sm

185 replies

MS28 · 22/10/2017 17:57

So, my husband has two kids by two different women who live on different sides of the country. One weekend we are forced to go up north to see his oldest daughter, this takes us 3.5 hours driving and having to stay overnight at his mothers (who only has a one bedroom apartment) or we wouldn’t see his eldest ever.... his other lives 1.5 hours south with his ex girlfriend. They separated before her second birthday, she turns 10 next month.
When I first met both the oldest and youngest they both liked me and wanted to hang out, suddenly, the 10 year old can’t stand being in my presence, lies to my face about how she feels, and sends her dad drawings (when I had just moved here (from abroad) and we were engaged) of her, her mum, and him together as a family....
she has also started refusing to come up to ours on her weekend so my husband has to go down to his ex girlfriends and spend the day with her in his ex girlfriends house, or else he doesn’t get to see her... I respect that she wants alone time with her father and I am happy to go out whenever she comes to ours and or have them go out and do things together, so am unclear why he has to go down there when she wants “daddy time”.... he gets a massive guilt trip from the ex girlfriend about not ever seeing his daughter and how if she were him she would be doing whatever she could to see her whenever possible... the man works a full time job so he can support both kids (the ex girlfriend doesn’t work and the ex wife doesn’t make much) and has to see his other child on the other weekend and she was the one who moved down south to begin with.
I am sure this will come across as selfish, but we did end up making a schedule so we get one weekend a month for us, which means one month one girl misses a weekend, the next month the other girl misses a weekend. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all, but the fit the ex girlfriend threw was immense... she couldn’t believe how selfish my husband was being and how he could not want to see his daughter. All he wants is to see his kids, that’s all he talks about.
It wasn’t this bad until we said I do..... I just want to have a happy marriage and I am sure that most people would disagree, but the kids aren’t going to be kids forever and putting them first all the time leaves you with nothing when they’re gone/grownup.
We have been together for 2 years married for only 10 months, and the last 10 months have been hell... of it doesn’t get better my marriage isn’t going to last.

OP posts:
TashaRomanoff · 22/10/2017 20:36

Not very fair that you demand a weekend with your DH depriving the children one weekend a month. Seeing your dad 3 times every 2 months isn't viable and I can see why the 10 year old resents You! She's probably realised what is happening and blames you for it.

Pidlan · 22/10/2017 20:38

Bottom line is, there are six months of the year where those girls see their father once a month. That is not enough. I know you aren't listening or considering others' opinions, so not sure why you asked tbh.
Also, you go on about the travelling time- it's really not that bad. I know people who live in different countries to their DC and they make more of an effort.

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 20:38

Tbh your own childhood doesn’t sound very loving the whole sending your potential dc to grandparents or boarding school suggests your not a maternal person I hope you don’t have them because your attitude to your dh dd sucks. Of course all
Dc are deserving of a loving relationship with both parents. You would have been better off marrying someone without kids tbh you don’t even know each other that well.

EggysMom · 22/10/2017 20:38

He had two children when you got together with him. He was presumably spending every weekend with one or other child, when you got together with him. You then married him, accepting that situation. So what has changed? If it's just that one child doesn't want to come up and spend time with you, they want their daddy to themselves - find something to do on your own during that time, as i doubt it'll stay that way for the next eight years. The older child will also grow up and go away to uni, and probably expect fewer visits at that point. So if you love and support your husband, put up with this routine for a few years more - it's not forever. Then he'll be yours.

inthenameotheweeman · 22/10/2017 20:41

How did you find time to date him, yet now you actually live with him and that’s not enough to “nurture” your relationship?

NorthernLurker · 22/10/2017 20:41

I wouldn't be too confident your parents screwed up priorities haven't impacted on you.

Redken24 · 22/10/2017 20:42

Sorry your posts are making me laugh far too much. Are you being serious? Whether your a parent or not - it is part and parcel of step-families. You married a man that you knew already had children, his responsibilities as a father were there before you and after - you want a weekend to yourselves. Organise planes/trains for faster travel, move home, you have your husband all the time,you don't have to go when he visits the elder one, re organise contact agreement so they stay with dad. Can the sisters not share a room?

your being selfish to two young girls who get absolutely no time with their dad in comparison to you.

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 20:43

Does your husband want to see his children more often?
Is the me-time/relationship nurturing weekend your idea or his?

teaandakitkat · 22/10/2017 20:44

It's one thing to think about a hectic schedule like that and think you will be fine with it, it's completely different when you're actually living it. It does sound very tiring op. But it's not going to change, he has to keep seeing his kids.
I guess there's no scope for moving nearer one or the other? Although I'm not entirely sure how this would help you.

Amme1234 · 22/10/2017 20:48

How often does their dad speak to them on the phone? Does he have them half the holidays? Has he tried to get a court order to spend more time with the girls? His youngest gets to see him approx 18 days a year and you wonder why she doesn't want to spend it with you? They're half sisters and don't spend time together? Poor girls!

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 20:52

We can't afford the hotel every trip, that is why he goes ALONE, on the visits down south, and I do stay at his mothers, again so he can have ALONE time with the teen. I am just trying to figure out what suddenly happened to cause the 10 year old not to want to come to our home, when she has enjoyed it in the past and i have been sure to let them have ample alone time (i.e. going out with a friend, taking the dog out for a long stroll, just going out).... It is just out of the blue and really odd and I can't wrap my head around it.
Also, just to clear up a few things, the fact of the matter is that when he divorced, he moved to where a job was with his ex wife blessing. He then makes up the distance to see his oldest, reasonable and expected, and I don't mind the trips up north in general, the problem is where we have to stay because of the lack of space, in fact, if his work would allow it, i would love to live up north in the country side, but then it would show favouritism to the oldest daughter and be even further from the youngest, who's mother is the one that moved... a bit more back ground on that. He started dating the youngest's mother after his divorce, she was a bit older than him and reassured him over and over again that she was on some sort of contraceptive and that she could not get pregnant, of course, he believed her (I have heard this story from her myself so...) and for what ever reason was not being extra cautious, then not even a year after they started dating (as I said she was a bit older) she got pregnant, he offered to marry her, she refused him, he helped her by a house (that she still owns less that 2 miles from where we currently live), and then she broke up with him and asked him to move out before the youngest was 2 years old.. She then moved 5 times before the youngest was 5 years old and finally settles down south (1.5 hours drive from us now) and just rents out the house that she still owns 2 miles away from us.....that being said, my husband still makes up the distance to see his daughter, which is fine, but because we can not afford a hotel room every weekend, he is just seeing her all day, on one day of the weekend, because of this suddenly new development. I am still a bit baffled, I understand alone time, and me being a new partner could be seen as an intruder, but I am not going to just go away because she doesn't want to see me... and to make it more complicated, she still messages me and says she misses me and FaceTimes me etc, so i am utterly confused as to if this is just a phase, who is she lying to? is it even orchestrated by her? I am genuinely just want to understand why this has to be such a big deal, and as for me seeing him during the week, he has been traveling during the week for business every week but one the last month, so I don't actually see him every day...

OP posts:
MaggieS41 · 22/10/2017 20:56

I wonder how many of you have been in a similar situation? Yes it’s a shame the girls don’t have their father around 24/7 but shit happens when one parent has full custody and decides to move away. (And it’s pointless making judgements on how he ended up with 2 kids with 2 different mums - we don’t know the circumstances so the point is mute). In this case the father can’t pack up and follow the ex everywhere she goes (as someone suggested). He’ll only end up being further away from his first anyway. The ex is not helping. SHE seems to be the one that is being unreasonable and is using emotional blackmail against the dad and more than likely the daughter. Why on earth would DD one day love the dads partner then hate her (I think when op married him?) This ‘you knew what you were getting in for’ reasoning is ridiculous. 10 year olds should have a say to an extent. But not to dictate.

OP, my advice to you is enjoy your weekend with DH. Suggest to either daughter they are welcome to stay at your home on this weekend as well. You can try ‘rebonding’ but if they choose not to there’s not much you can do.

My DH and our children come first equally. However if we didn’t consider ourselves first a lot of the time then we wouldn’t have the mental or physical strength to look after our children and do and be the best we can for them.

There are plenty of deadbeat dads out there and your DH isn’t one of them. And no, you’re not a bad stepmum either. I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 20:58

He currently does not have a court order in place for visiting either child. The weekend was his idea, because he came home from a business trip and was too exhausted to function and just said that he couldn't continue doing that schedule.
The mothers would never allow for either of the girls to come live with us and it would be a huge unrealistic terrible battle in court that would hurt them for that to happen...
the girls call or text whenever they want, I am not sure how often as they also call or text me, its not like I keep track. I know they call or text me atlas 3x times a week, so I presume they are in contact with their dad more....

OP posts:
CherriesInTheSnow · 22/10/2017 20:58

Erm yes plenty of children do indeed grow up knowing one way or another that they are not their parents priority - that doesn't mean it's okay and that doesn't mean it has no impact on them.

Self reflection and objective thinking are great tools OP. Try and listen to the multitude of posters on this thread telling you that you are not doing right by these children.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:00

Thank you @MaggieS41 it really is a no win situation, and we are both tired and stressed... I just hope the girls realise how much work their father has put in for them when they're older.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:02

I wonder how many of you have been in a similar situation?

I have been the child and it is fucking awful. Children in this situation are rarely honest about their feelings so you don't really know whether the girl liked the stepmother in the first place.

Stepmothers usually have their way in the end in my experience.

Dozer · 22/10/2017 21:03

BUt he hasn’t.

FaFoutis · 22/10/2017 21:04

No, he hasn't. The mothers are putting the work in.

Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 21:04

I don’t buy that his ex had sole responsibility to used contraception he already had a child from a failed relationship he was equally responsible for using a condom. I’m wondering if your precious dh was emotionally abusive if both women left him after a short time of having their dc especially one moving away there’s definitely more to this situation would be interesting to see their POV on things. You don’t even know this man long you only been a relationship for two years that’s no time.

MaggieS41 · 22/10/2017 21:04

Just read your last post OP. Does your DH and his ex have a good enough relationship to discuss why the 10 year old doesn’t want to stay and why there’s a change of attitude?

And for the record, having a weekend free with your wife does not mean your kids aren’t a priority.

DaisysStew · 22/10/2017 21:05

... I just hope the girls realise how much work their father has put in for them when they're older.

Don't worry - they will. And I hope when he is elderly they reciprocate with the same level of selflessness and dedication.

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:08

@belleoftheball8
I have actually known him for over 13 years as our family's were friends, and followed the saga of his life. I have heard the POV from both women. I know the exgirlfriend story because she is the one who told me herself. I am sort of friends with the ex wife. They divorced because she was actually the abusive one, and has told me how ashamed she is of it to this day, she still has her odd temper fit and throws things as well, but is medicated now, she's a decent person deep down, and I think the exgirlfriend may be as well, I just don't know her as well because she isn't interested, which is fine.

OP posts:
MaggieS41 · 22/10/2017 21:11

I’m wondering if your precious dh was emotionally abusive if both women left him after a short time of having their dc especially one moving away there’s definitely more to this situation would be interesting to see their POV on things.

Yes and that’s why the ex makes him feel bad for not seeing his daughter more, for example 🙄

Original poster
MS28 · 22/10/2017 21:12

@MaggieS41 no, the exgirlfriend stopped speaking to him and allowing the child to come and visit at ours at all when he told her we were engaged. He ended up having to attend a mediation session with her before she would allow his daughter to come up for visits again... He did that as soon as we had the money because it wasn't right for the girl to not see him for no real reason... Now, she has not yet completed her version of the parenting plan she requested for them to do, and this has started...

OP posts:
Belleoftheball8 · 22/10/2017 21:12

13years of being a friend is totally different to being in a relationship with someone op trust me. As for the POV of both mothers I don’t believe that for a second that they are going to sit you down and tell you everything that went on with individual relationships with your dh I think your trying to alter the situation to suit to come across as better it’s much easier to villianfy them than be guilty of not doing enough.