OH favouring his kids from previous relationships

[BobaFett86]

Am I being totally unreasonable here? My partner seems to think so! He has 2 kids by 2 different women. I think he keeps favouring his other kids above our 5 week old baby.
We broke up while I was 7 months pregnant because all we did was argue. He kept on prioritising his exes. They said jump, he said how high! He hasn't bought a single thing for our baby, yet has been giving his exes double the amount of expected child support.
We decided to get back together when our baby was born. But he still seems more concerned about his previous relationships/children. He arranged to have his kids for the weekend when our baby was just 2 days old, yet it wasn't even his weekend to have them! 5 weeks on, and he still hasn't given me a penny towards our baby. Yet I've had to give him money for travel fare so he can visit his other kids.
And now I am furious because this week I made plans with him to visit me and our baby (again, gave him travel fare money to make sure he could get here ok) and yet twice in 3 days, he has bailed on us, just so he can have his eldest daughter instead!! When I moaned at him about it, he accused me of trying to make him reject his daughter for my own gain!! And said that his ex 'needs' him to help her out with everything, even though she has a fiance who lives with her.
I also have a 4 year old from a previous relationship, and my OH always puts her down when she does something wrong. "My kids would never do that. I won't let you see them again because I don't want them picking up your bad behaviour" is a prime example of what he always says.
Apparently I 'cant handle' the fact that he has other kids. Am I in the wrong here?

[cannotlogin]

I've had to deal with watching the man I love turn into a complete prick, and jump hoops for nasty women who cannot accept that he has moved on

He didn't turn into a complete prick, he always was one, albeit hidden until something brought it out.

Who says these women haven't 'moved on'?

[2014newme]

Your baby is too young to understand daddy is off with his other kids.
You knew all this when you chose to get involved with this idiot. Not sure why you are surprised now.

[ecuse]

Some people on this thread are fricking rude and judgemental, OP.

You're right, the problem is your ex. Sounds like he's not paying nearly enough attention to this one. If he has his kids I don't think that means he shouldn't be seeing you. He can just bring them?

Playing devil's advocate I can see his exes points of view. I understand he's paying more than the bare minimum required, but the bare minimum isn't actually enough to support a child on from what I can see (or 50% of a child). So from their POV, he's suddenly taking away money from their kids because he's had a new kid. If I were them I'd be thinking 'he shouldn't be going around having more kids if he can't support the ones he's already got'. Ultimately I disagree as even in a nuclear family situation the reality is that when you have more kids you split your resources between them. It's just more complicated when those kids are in multiple households. But I see their perspective too.

So the money thing is out of your hands in terms of what he pays the others, but he does need to make sure you're getting at least the CSA minimum (presume he will when he starts his new job?).

If I were you I'd give it a year or so, see how things settle down, and if he steps up to the plate consider moving him in, but the test (of him not being a cocklodger) is to see that he does step up even if he doesn't get free/cheap digs at yours.

[BobaFett86]

He doesn't stay round his exes.
A few weeks back, his sons mum was shit stirring to cause trouble between us. Meanwhile she was sneakily trying to get back together with him. He declined her advances and told her that he wants to be with me (I have seen all of the text messages between the two of them)
She retaliated by changing her phone number and stopping contact. He didn't get to see his son for several weeks. Now that contact has resumed, she insists that he drops everything and has the boy when she says so. And now it's like he hasn't got the balls to say no to her, even though it means cancelling his time with the baby. And obviously I'm getting wound up that he is doing exactly as she wants and causing conflict in our relationship just for the sake of keeping her mouth shut.

[Lunar1]

How exactly do you think the ex's know when he is having the baby. He is te

[stitchglitched]

Why can't he have his son and the baby at the same time?

[Lunar1]

Posted too soon! He is telling them, and he is playing you off against eachother.

[ButtMuncher]

Crazy - you're referring to me when you disagreed with the threesome issue. We're not sending stepson away - he lives with us half the time and his mother half the time, so nothing is changing in terms of access, we are just not doing every overnight stay instead favouring to pick him up during the day, spending quality time together and dropping off for nighttime where he is likely to get a better nights sleep. We are doing this because he has sleep issues which have only just been resolved and we want to ensure his needs are adequately met rather than forcing him to stay over when we know he'd prefer to sleep at his mothers. He's to be a part of all aspects of babies arrival.

Sorry you got the wrong end of the stick but were hardly sending him away, just not doing all overnight stays. We live 10 mins down the road from his mother, so this isn't in anyway an issue to anyone.

Sorry OP to derail just wanted to clear that up

[CRazzyyAce]

Again your blaming the exs op lunars right where do you think they get their information from, sounds like all of you are fighting over this pathetic waste of space. You thought it was a fantastic relationship utilmately the honeymoon period is over, he's gone from one to another women creating life and chaos in the way. People slag mothers off for having different children to different men but atleast they look after them. You are one of many and judging by this blokes track record I wouldn't be surprised if he goes on to have further DC in the process don't kid yourself into thinking your something special your not this man is a prick those ex might be rightly bitter having their children disregarded likely what's happening to you at the moment. You need to stop bad mouthing these women. Your focusing on the wrong people.

[BobaFett86]

For clarification, he was previously paying his exes the amount that they asked him for (more fool him). Once he explained that he will need to reduce the amount so he can support the new baby, they both got the hump and started being disruptive. As a result, it ended up going through the csa, who actually stated that the amounts expected are even lower. He was giving them £50 a week each. He intended to reduce it to £40. Csa make him pay just £22.
They both demanded to keep the full £50, or they would stop contact. My idiot OH actually agreed to this for a while, which obviously caused trouble between us as I had to pay for everything. So again, he went back to the csa and had a proper payment plan set up. So the exes set about causing more issues. Which caused us to break up.
Now that we are back together, they are again being demanding about when he sees the kids, and refusing to let them have contact with me and the baby. So now he keeps cancelling on us so that he can see his other kids when the exes say so.

[CRazzyyAce]

Firstly CM is the minimum required it is no where near the cost to raise a child, secondly he shouldn't have more children if he can't afford to raise them. I wouldn't want my child having contact with your baby and you your relationship is unstable you breaking up all the time so I think they are within there rights to say no. You haven't even been on the scene for one and for the first child your the second 'step mom' with new baby in tow, how confusing and disruptive must that be for them.

[CRazzyyAce]

Do the other two DC even have a relationship with one another or is that strained? Can you not see what a horrible mess all of you have created on three innocent lives? I actually feel pretty bad for the first mom that her ex gone on to have children with another two women, I would be pretty mortified. My ex is expecting a baby with his DW , he waited until they been together 6 years and married. There will be 9 years between the two DC but I'm thankful he had more respect for DS to not go off impregnanting someone on the first relationship after myself and then jumping to the next person.

[stitchglitched]

'The other one moaned that she wouldn't be able to go to Starbucks as often. I definitely agree that he should pay for his kids. But to pay for his exes? Nope.'

I'm suprised you could type this with a straight face. £22 a week.

[madgingermunchkin]

He hasn't turned into a twat, his true colours have finally come out.

You have two choices; accept that this is what your life is going to look like from now on, because he isn't going to change, or tell him to fuck off, and concentrate on your own kids. And preferably stop getting involved with spineless twatty waste of spaces.

[RepentAtLeisure]

It's not their fault that he got another woman pregnant, and it's not their fault that they don't want to accept a miserly £20 something quid a week towards their dc's expenses. When you have a dc with a man who has two ex's with dc's there will be complications, and they will be there in one form or another for life. The mantra 'acceptance or change' applies here. You can't change his past, so you accept it or you change your future.

[BobaFett86]

The mother of the 7 year old jumped straight into a relationship. He was single for 2 years before getting with his sons mum.
She cheated on him and got a new bloke straight away. So why shouldn't he move on quickly also?
The mother of the son has had 5 different boyfriends in the past year alone, that we know of. All of whom she introduced to her kids right from the start.
Regardless of my relationship, I still want to maintain contact with the other kids. I wish to be a consistent part of their lives and want them to regularly see their little sister

[IzzyIsBusy]

You just refuse to see it.

You will only believe the exes are to blame and not mr wonderful.

Very soon OP you will be one of those exes and you will be angry when he is only paying you £5 per week and hardly seeing your child because he has a new baby on the way and his new gf is demanding his time.

[madgingermunchkin]

What you want in regards to his other child is completely fucking irrelevant.

The are his children and it's up to him to deal with them and their mothers.

All you have to do is work out whether you want to live the rest of your life like this, because he isn't going to change.

Why the duck would he when he's got three women scrapping over him and giving him money

You're a mug of you let this continue.

[BobaFett86]

By the way, the sons mum has 3 kids by 3 different dads. Same story with all of them. The father of her eldest kid moved on and had another baby. She did the same as what is happening in my situation. As a result, that man's marriage almost broke up.
Last week I found out that this woman previously dated an old friend of mine. I got in touch with him, and he advised me to keep well clear! Apparently she is well known locally as a trouble maker and village bike! (I live in a different area so I didn't know this before).

[cannotlogin]

Csa make him pay just £22

On what planet does this make a 50% contribution towards bringing up a child?

[CRazzyyAce]

But op is inlove and the exs are just wicked bro he's that make life so difficult 😒 It's not up to you to have contact with his other DC.

You will be on your own like pp said and there will be woman number 4 daft enough having his baby.....

[IzzyIsBusy]

Village bike wow your nice.

Also with 2 dc to 2 different dads of your own i wouldnt be throwing stones about different dads to her children.

[CRazzyyAce]

Difference is she looks after her three full time, it's worrying how focused you are on these woman it's actually abit obessive the amount of information you have on them.

[RepentAtLeisure]

stitchglitched Yep, that old chestnut.

My ex was similar, he paid the princely sum of £10 a week towards our ds's life, and I had snide remarks from his DM about being able to get my hair trimmed with his money. Yes, I fed ds on grass and rainwater from the garden for a week just so I could blow £10 on a trim at the hairdresser! OP, if you can prove that it costs less than £40 (her share and his) to raise one child for a week then I'll agree that they are blowing his money on Starbucks. Until he is at least matching their contributions he and you have no right to complain that they get the occasional coffee (or even God forbid, a coffee every single day! If he goes on to have yet more dc's by more women, will you sit at home drinking tapwater so that he has more cash to give to more dc's, or will you think it's his problem to solve?)

You can either get your focus where it should be, step out of this bullshit territory battle, and realize that it benefits him to have you all squaring off against each other, or you can enjoy the drama, savour any small victories and hate the mothers of your dc's half siblings for the next 18 years. Up to you. Pro tip - it begins with the realization that you procreated with a dickhead...

[ElspethFlashman]

Er.....you have 2 kids by two different Dad's. And you're calling her the town bike cos she has one more?