OH favouring his kids from previous relationships

[BobaFett86]

Am I being totally unreasonable here? My partner seems to think so! He has 2 kids by 2 different women. I think he keeps favouring his other kids above our 5 week old baby.
We broke up while I was 7 months pregnant because all we did was argue. He kept on prioritising his exes. They said jump, he said how high! He hasn't bought a single thing for our baby, yet has been giving his exes double the amount of expected child support.
We decided to get back together when our baby was born. But he still seems more concerned about his previous relationships/children. He arranged to have his kids for the weekend when our baby was just 2 days old, yet it wasn't even his weekend to have them! 5 weeks on, and he still hasn't given me a penny towards our baby. Yet I've had to give him money for travel fare so he can visit his other kids.
And now I am furious because this week I made plans with him to visit me and our baby (again, gave him travel fare money to make sure he could get here ok) and yet twice in 3 days, he has bailed on us, just so he can have his eldest daughter instead!! When I moaned at him about it, he accused me of trying to make him reject his daughter for my own gain!! And said that his ex 'needs' him to help her out with everything, even though she has a fiance who lives with her.
I also have a 4 year old from a previous relationship, and my OH always puts her down when she does something wrong. "My kids would never do that. I won't let you see them again because I don't want them picking up your bad behaviour" is a prime example of what he always says.
Apparently I 'cant handle' the fact that he has other kids. Am I in the wrong here?

[IzzyIsBusy]

OP you will do all you can to do right by your children.
The exes are doing the same.

The only person at fault is the useless man in the middle of it who has no regard for the women he impregnates of the children he fathers.
Do your children a favour ditch him. He is not a good role model. Or a good man.

[Gazelda]

ImYourMama that is out of order. Yes, OP's partner sounds like a dick, but you have no knowledge about the OP's eldest child's father, or her parenting.

OP, if I were you, I'd consider myself a single parent. I'd get onto CSA and formalise child support payments. Tell your DP that you expect him to sort out regular visits to your baby. Maybe send an unemotional message to the two exes to say that you hope that in time the DC can all get to spend time together as siblings.

Then leave them all to it. They sound very wound up in creating drama and confusion for the children.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

I would put your own claim in for cms. He should pay the recommended amount to all 3 mothers. Don't let him move in and have access to all your money!!What exactly would he bring to your lives if he moved in??

[SarahM24]

I'm really sorry but this looks so much like your going to be a third ex a third mother of his children and he will carry on with more women in this ridiculous cycle.

The ex's have a fair point kids don't cost less and your oh is now splitting his time and money even further no wonder they arenpissed off.

He didn't sound very nice to your daughter which should be your priority and you shouldn't stand for that rubbish she is way way more important than this man.

Already he's made little effort with your baby and contributed why persist with things? I'd make a break from it now and don't get sucked into this mad pattern.

[Lunar1]

Yes it's all the ex's fault, those crazy bitches. Your boyfriend is just a hapless victim of their behaviour. I bet they make him say mean things to your dd too.

[BobaFett86]

I sent a polite formal message to the exes during the period of separation from my partner. I said that I would still like to see the kids and want them to grow up knowing their little sister.
One ignored me, then told my OH that she does not want contact between the kids.
And the other one saw it as an opportunity to try and get back with him.

[stitchglitched]

How much child support is he actually paying them then? You keep saying double but double what? Also if his other kid is still using a buggy then this must have all happened pretty quickly, he doesn't seem to wait long between babies! Plus he is mean to your daughter, that in itself should be enough for you to dump him.

[BobaFett86]

Child support is now dealt with through the child maintenance service. He told his exes that he would be lowering them by £10 a week, to which they were not satisfied. As a result, he now pays half of what the original amount. All as recommended by the child maintenance service.
He has been out of work for the past 4 weeks and starts his new job next week. Despite no income, the exes are still trying to demand that he pays the full amount. I've not had a penny, and don't expect it, as he can't give me something that he has not got.

[stitchglitched]

So how much does he pay them now then?

[IzzyIsBusy]

Why are you allowing him to be mean and nasty to your little girl?
Does he mean more to you than her?

[Minniemagoo]

Of his ex needs money to buy a buggy I imagine the children are all pretty young and he has hopped from one 'relationship' to another. It sounds like he is not a reliable guy especially if he still hackers after his exes.
You are now stuck with this guy forever as a parent to your child buy do you seriously want him in your life for more than that, he sounds flakes, disrespectful and honestly a bully to your 5 old.

[2014newme]

He is paying nobody anything currently
Waste of space. Poor kids having such a shit dad.

[BobaFett86]

He could never mean more to me than my daughter. Nobody could.
We came to blows about the way he was speaking to my daughter. I put my foot down and made it perfectly clear that I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour. He has since put more effort into building a good relationship with her. She's just as upset by his absence, as she is fond of him. I get the impression that he is a bit intimidated by my daughter. She has a ridiculously strong personality and he clearly struggles to deal with her dominant character.

[2014newme]

Ok now you need to get a strong personality and dump him.

[Lunar1]

He's mean to her because he's intimidated by he! She's 4!

He's not helping you because of his ex's. He's not personally responsible for much given that he has 3 children is he?

All these women and children picking on him, poor lamb.

[BobaFett86]

His ex didn't 'need' money for a buggy. The bugaboo that he had bought her was still in perfectly good condition. But she saw a new buggy that she liked the look of and insisted on having it. Coincidentally right after my OH said that he needs to save up to buy a buggy for our baby.
His son should be out of a buggy by now, but is a very late developer and can still only walk a few steps.
He is 2, and the other one is 7. He split from his sons mum soon after he was born.
Once he starts his new job next week, he will resume paying for the other kids. I have yet to discuss finances for my baby.

[Lunar1]

It's fine for a two year old to need a buggy. How do you know what condition the old one was in?

[ElspethFlashman]

You sound like you've a pretty string personality yourself. But please don't be too stubborn about this relationship.

It's a non starter. Those other kids are always going to be there, as well as the exes. And obviously at least some of the kids are still very young. The problem is only going to intensify as they get older and more expensive. You do not want to be the financial cushion for someone with that many outgoings. Already you've been giving him cash. Now imagine giving him cash for the next 15 years. You don't know how this new job is going to work out either. He could have several periods of unemployment over his kids childhoods. And if you live with him you'll end up paying all the bills and his expenses too.

The idea with allowing him to move in is ludicrous. He will never warm to your daughter, and she's too young to decide what is best for herself. So her missing him shouldn't even be a deciding factor for you. He will be at best wary with her, and at worst harsh towards her. That's not remotely in her best interest.

You need to sort out your CSA as soon as he starts in this job. To be blunt, the amount of children he has to support is not your problem. The only thing that is your problem is your 5 week old and ensuring she has her fair shout.

[2014newme]

One baby is 2. One is new born. So max of 15 months between leaving one woman and impregnating another. No doubt will have another with next woman stupid enough to give him the time of day.
Vasectomy required.

[CRazzyyAce]

He doesn't sound like a catch, it's a red flag would be that he has three kids to three women and seems incapable of committing to either of them. He should see his kids and neither should trump the other.

I disagree with the poster who said they needed time as a threesome before half sibling came to stay it's at type of attitude that sends the wrong message to the existing child. I never sent my DS away when I had my DD he shared in her arrival as he's part of our family so we had time together and he didn't go to his dad for one week so we could have quality time. I would be furious if his dad would not maintain his access once his baby arrives again you wouldn't sent full siblings away would you? It does read like jemery Kyle half siblings all over the place not a nice environment for children to be brought up in.

[stitchglitched]

So his exes are money grabbers but actually he is currently paying them the grand total of fuck all? Right. They are unlikely to be living the high life on the CSA minimum calculated between 3 households. Your priority needs to be putting in a claim for your baby and getting him away from your older child.

[CRazzyyAce]

You also sound as bad as him i wonder who in the right mind goes out with someone who has two children to two different women then has a child with them you will be one of many women. I would be also fuming if I was the other mum especially the first mother what message does it send to the existing children? It's none of your business what equipment they may need children cost money and he should contribute to them, I don't think I would want to met up with you for the kids either.

[BobaFett86]

He'd been in the same job for 6 years. The reason for his unemployment was due to coming to blows with his boss over paternity leave. He has found a better job with a higher wage, and was only out of work for 4 weeks.
It is obvious that he wants to make positive changes and I can see that he is making an effort.
But, I just don't think we stand a chance. Not with all the trouble caused by his exes. And he's too stupid to say no to them. He doesn't understand the difference between keeping things civil for the sake of the kids, and being his exes little bitch.
And I know about the condition of the buggy because I pushed him around in it numerous times before she stopped contact.