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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

struggling!

241 replies

lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 13:15

My step son is 11 yo and I just don't like him! Ok that sounds bad.
He stays over night with us alternative weekends, then one weekend a month we have him 8-7 and the other weekend my hubby just takes him to football then home. the thing is, we live in a small 2 bed flat and he won't share a room with my daughter (6yo) so he goes to bed in our bed then gets transferred to sofa when we go to bed. Housing won't move us as he isn't with us enough.
Also his attitude stinks. I try not to get involved but whenever I do he won't listen. He shouts at me or just cries.
He ignores my daughter 75% of the time or is nasty to her.
I'm now 20w pregnant with my 2nd and I just can't take the stress anymore. I've spoken to hubby who generally agrees with me but is worried about getting limited access or being taken to csa (we currently have an arrangement privately with the mum and pay her weekly)
I just don't know what to do. Just needing to rant really

OP posts:
caravanista13 · 27/02/2015 13:21

Of course he shouldn't be sharing with an unrelated six year old! Why on earth are you bringing another baby into this overcrowded situation?

supermariossister · 27/02/2015 14:13

You sound like you can't be bothered with him at all perhaps that has some bearing on why he doesn't get on with your daughter. He really does need his own space at yours and to feel like he is part of the family not get even more pushed out

yellowdaisies · 27/02/2015 14:33

Any chance of sub-dividign your DD's bedroom so they get a small room each? My DS and DD share at their dad's and have a diving wall thing that you can move around to give them both a bit of privacy.

Are you likely to get moved when the new baby arrives? Possibly not in many areas as they may assume it can share with your DD until she's at least 10, even if it's a boy.

Find a deposit and rent a 3 bed place privately?

I think kids do really need their own space in a house - even if it's just a bunk bed to lie on and chill out with a book or a laptop. If your DSS doesn't have anywhere at all that's really his, even a bed, then that may contribute to his bad behaviour. You should pick him up if he's nasty to your DD, or your DH should if DSS won't listen to you. But I would think most 11 year old boys won't have a lot of time for 6 year old girls, so ignoring's probably fair enough. Is he old enough to go out to play at the park with friends? Could you help arrange a bit of company his own age for him?

yellowdaisies · 27/02/2015 14:34

dividing wall, not a diving wall obviously

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 27/02/2015 14:36

I hate when people come here for support or advice and get judged!

I do however agree with them that the living arrangements are not ideal especially with a baby on the way.

Maybe dss doesn't feel like family because he has no room of his own. Its hard living with kids who don't 'appear' to like you. Sounds like the wee boy is just finding everything a bit difficult. Maybe you and dad could do more as a family and include him where you can. He really needs to feel loved and wanted. And unfortunately as an adult we have to sometimes push our feelings aside. It's hard. Very very hard. But put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to go to your dad's if you had nowhere of your own to go/sleep.

I really do sympathise. But i think if you can try and get a bigger house or split your daughters room it would help massively. Xx

NickiFury · 27/02/2015 14:37

I think it's actually YOUR attitude that stinks not his.

Also why are you so worried about going to the CSA? Is your "hubby" not paying the amount he should be?

PerpendicularVincenzo · 27/02/2015 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wdigin2this · 27/02/2015 15:27

I am totally stressed out with DH who is a typical Disney dad and grandad! We both have small grandchildren (we've been together since before they were born) who visit separately, he is happy to get on the floor and play for 4 or 5 hours at a time and treats them identically. Fantastic you might say?! But where I am trying to instil reasonable age related rules and boundaries! he flouts them all and undermines me every step of the way, he seems to think kids should never be told NO! He did this with his teenage grandchild, (especially financially) who now has come to live and fully expect a lifestyle beyond either of the parents means!! I am so fed up with every request/instruction I make being virtually ignored I could scream! I deal with it more easily with my own grandchild by totally overruling him and using distraction techniques, but don't feel I'm able to do this so easily with DH's grandchild! Arggggghhhh!!!

Wdigin2this · 27/02/2015 15:29

Sorry, my comment wasn't very helpful to the OP, but it struck a cord and as I listen to DH and DSGD downstairs, wrecking the house, I sort of exploded!!

FlossyMoo · 27/02/2015 15:30

Not surprised his attitude stinks really. He is treated like an add on to the family. He has no space to call his own not even a bed and you are having another child!!! Where will the poor lad end up then??

You don't like him because you see him has an inconvenience. He stays 1 night every 2 weeks. Could you not give him your DD's room and let her sleep in your bed?

Only advice I have is save up for a bigger property. It is not the housings job to provide a bigger place. You and DH should have thought this through before having another baby.

lunar1 · 27/02/2015 15:42

I think you need to try and figure out exactly what it is about the situation that bothers you and make a practical list of things you can do to improve things.

Firstly you are about to become a family of five. You need to work out how to accommodate three children in your life and home.

If you can afford it I would seriously look into private renting. Your step sone needs a space to call his own in his dad's house. Can you take the small room and decide up the other for both children?

I would also stop expecting your dss and dd to play together. The age difference is massive, developmentally speaking. You and your DH have to find a way to make this work as your dss is not optional.

needaholidaynow · 27/02/2015 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arsenic · 27/02/2015 16:02

You know YABU right?

The adults need to tackle the bedroom issue and you need to try to tackle your own feelings.

What's your plan OP?

sockmatcher · 27/02/2015 16:09

Are you paying the going rate for CSA if so no need to sorry.

11 year old needs to be respectful as do you. Ignoring and being rude are no acceptable and its up to your DP to manage this.

CalicoBlue · 27/02/2015 17:11

I can understand how you feel. I do not like it either that on NM every time anyone says they don't like a stepchild they are slated and it is their fault. There are adults I like and don't like, the same with some kids too.

Stepchildren can be very difficult, as a step parent we get all the shit and none of the love or bonding. It is very hard having a child you and your dc not get on with come in and out of your family unit.

I must say that I would not want a 11 year old boy sharing a room with my daughter at 6, especially if he is unpleasant to her.

It seems with a new baby coming you are going to have to do something about space. DSS is soon going to be too big to be lifted from bed. Maybe get him a blow up mattress that can be his, and he has the sitting room the one night he sleeps over. Or suggest that until you have a bigger flat, or he changes his attitude he does not stay over.

NerrSnerr · 27/02/2015 17:20

You need to find somewhere to move so he has his own space. I can imagine him sleeping in your room will be tricky when the baby arrives. What plans did you put in place for this when you were considering another child?

FlossyMoo · 27/02/2015 17:35

Stepchildren can be very difficult, as a step parent we get all the shit and none of the love or bonding. It is very hard having a child you and your dc not get on with come in and out of your family unit.

Well ^^this is a sweeping generalisation isn't it Hmm

I disagree completely. My step children have been no more difficult over the years than my own and I have received a great amount of love and affection from them. Maybe that is because I see them as important family members and don't set them apart from the family unit. Lets face it they were part of a family unit before I ever came along.

FlossyMoo · 27/02/2015 17:38

Or suggest that until you have a bigger flat, or he changes his attitude he does not stay over.

Great so because his father has made poor life choices this 11 yo boy will have to go no contact. Yeah right makes loads of sense that. I suppose if your own 11 yo child had a bad attitude and din't get along with his siblings you would be just as quick to boot them out the door.

It is the attitudes of the adults that disgust me and the poor children who never had a choice in the whole thing are the ones to lose out Angry

CalicoBlue · 27/02/2015 17:41

Flossy I am glad you have had a positive experience of step parenting. Most step parents I know have a hard time, as I do.

I did say they can be very difficult, as it is not all as you pointed out.

My Dc are not difficult with my DH and he gets on very well with them, and he agrees that Step parenting is thankless.

FlossyMoo · 27/02/2015 17:50

Ever wondered if it is the attitudes of the SP that are the problem? I see so many posts on here bemoaning the SDC's. How these children are ruining lives blah blah whinge moan and little thought is ever given to the child. Just as in the OP. At no point has she expressed how difficult it must be for an 11 yo to be expected to play with a 6 yo DD or how about the fact that this child does not even have a bed to sleep in and is basically moved around the flat to suit the permanent family.

Look at your own attitude first and maybe ask yourself why a child could be behaving badly before you judge you don't like him.

lunar1 · 27/02/2015 17:53

Nice suggestion that the 11 year old should stop staying over. What about the precious dd, can't she just live somewhere else? I hate the attitude that some children are just dispensable.

NickiFury · 27/02/2015 17:54

Presumably you don't have to share day to day life and living space with the adults you don't like Calico? Having had no say in the matter whatsoever. It's not the same thing at all. This is a CHILD who is clearly struggling, the onus is on the ADULT to alleviate that struggling and stop bitching about TWO nights a month at most where he stays over.

Seriously how much stress can a child staying over for a couple of nights a MONTH actually cause? If as an adult you really are struggling with this finding yourself unable to tolerate that short period of time then you really need to take a good long look at yourself and honestly examine your motives.

I have two dc one 12 and one 8. They barely exchange two words to each other some days. What exactly do you want your step son to be doing with your much younger dd OP? You are judging him negatively for perfectly normal and age appropriate behavior. But then it seems to me there's little that would please you about him apart from him never being there at all. Oh and your DH sounds like a right namby pamby in that he lets you bitch about his ds and agrees Shock but won't actually do anything practical to alleviate the issues.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 27/02/2015 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supermariossister · 27/02/2015 19:02

Reading what flossy has wrote makes a great deal of sense to me. I get a lot of joy out of being a step parent and affection from all the children in the house but like others it's because I forged a relationship with my stepchildren and spent time with them which it doesn't sound like you want to do with your ss. put yourself in his position and see how wanted he feels. don't get me wrong the house situation is very hard but there are things you could do differently to make him feel part of your family.

KatieKaye · 27/02/2015 20:04

Why consent he sleep in your room for the two nights a month he stays over and you and DH sleep in the living room? Or you could take DD into your room and let him have her room.

But you need to make this child feel welcome and a part of the family. At the moment you give the impression that he is just a nuisance.

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