struggling!

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My step son is 11 yo and I just don't like him! Ok that sounds bad.
He stays over night with us alternative weekends, then one weekend a month we have him 8-7 and the other weekend my hubby just takes him to football then home. the thing is, we live in a small 2 bed flat and he won't share a room with my daughter (6yo) so he goes to bed in our bed then gets transferred to sofa when we go to bed. Housing won't move us as he isn't with us enough.
Also his attitude stinks. I try not to get involved but whenever I do he won't listen. He shouts at me or just cries.
He ignores my daughter 75% of the time or is nasty to her.
I'm now 20w pregnant with my 2nd and I just can't take the stress anymore. I've spoken to hubby who generally agrees with me but is worried about getting limited access or being taken to csa (we currently have an arrangement privately with the mum and pay her weekly)
I just don't know what to do. Just needing to rant really

The problem is most likely, whatever all the efforts you put in to make it work, he does pick up on the fact that you don't like him and that ruins all the efforts. Most SP think that the DC can't tell, but they certainly can't, and who wants to be nice to someone you think don't like you and would much prefer you were out of the way.

It probably is his actions/attitude that started it, but whereas his dad would put it down to him going through teenage years and although frustrated doesn't impact at all on how much he loves him, you associated that behaviour with how you feel for him and that's where it went all downhill.

My advice would be to take a step away from it for a while. SS probably apprehends coming over and only do so now to see his dad. Let him looking forward to his visits again so that he starts becoming more relax and therefore more pleasant. In the end, the only way things will get better is if you somehow find that you care for him more than you think you do now.

He has got somewhere to go though but he refuses to go there. His sister shouldn't have to vacate her (or what would be their if he wasn't so stubborn) room everytime he arrives.

Why is it so wrong that he refuses to share? He's 11 yo surely he has a right to decide that he does not want to share a room with a 6 yo girl?

If he was under 10 I would say this is how it is and you have to share however by 11 yo I think that he his right to say no.

Where will he go when the new baby arrives? Will he be forced to just put up and shut up because he is not a permanent member of the family?

But he hasn't got anywhere to go - OP said DDs room is too small for 2 beds. there is no designated pace for him to sleep that is not the sofa, which is in use at his bedtime, so he has to be put somewhere else and when the adults want to go to their bed he is moved onto the sofa they've vacate. That really is putting this child and his needs right at the bottom of the pile.

There is concern about possible disturbing DD with an early morning start, but none about disturbing step son by moving him when OP wants to go to bed. That isn't treating both children the same - it is finding excuses to carry on doing things the same way regardless.

For those saying that a move around of normal sleeping arrangements would be treating him like a guest - well, that is better than being treated like a total inconvenience, which is what is happening at the moment, with him being moved onto the sofa at a time when it suits the adults.

Get a sofa bed and sleep on that a couple of months a night. As has been suggested.

I think some people have been very hard on the OP and considering there is just the one post, a hell of a lot of words have been put in to her mouth and a lot of judgements have been made. I'm guessing from the lack of any reply from her, it looks as though she may have been scared off.

Yes their situation isn't ideal and no having a baby at this time probably wasn't great planning, but maybe it wasn't planned, sometimes accidents happen!

We don't know whether the OP's DD is her DP's child or whether the baby was planned. For all we know, this lady could have been a single mum and fell pregnant to her boyfriend and is just trying to deal with all the changes.
She is struggling and she's come here for support and a bit of a rant and was just given a load of abuse. Well done.

Please just bear in mind that for some women pregnancy is bloody hard. I know for me, I really struggled with step parenting in my last pregnancy. My hormones were all over the place, I was knackered, I was stressed and worried about our lack of money and lack of living space. I constantly felt sick for the whole 41 weeks, I was in so much pain with SPD and I was struggling to just cope with daily life and so then when you threw 2 DSC in to the mix I felt like it was just too much to cope with. I went from being totally in love with them to dreading them coming in the space of a few months.
I'm currently pregnant again but coping with things much better this time, our situation is better now though, I'm not so worried about money and we're now living in a bigger house where all the children have their own space, even if it is just a bunk bed.

And for what it's worth I don't see much wrong with an 11 yo boy and a 6 yo girl sharing a room, I mean what do u think is actually going to happen? If they were full siblings would you see a problem with it?
It would be nice for DSS to have his own room but that's not possible, the next best thing would be to make an effort to make him his own space.
If DSS doesn't want a bunk in DD's room then maybe a sofa bed or an air bed in the lounge for OP and he DH to sleep on or let DSS stay up late (he is 11 after all) and he has sofa bed/air bed, at least then he won't be getting moved from one room to another.

This situation isn't ideal but it's just a case of making the best of what you have.

I also think the problem with sleeping arrangements is her DH's responsibility to resolve. Why's it always the stepmum who gets the blame and is made to feel responsible for anything which is wrong?

I'm guessing from the lack of any reply from her, it looks as though she may have been scared off.

OP has posted 10 times in total.......unless I am seeing things

We don't know whether the OP's DD is her DP's child or whether the baby was planned. For all we know, this lady could have been a single mum and fell pregnant to her boyfriend and is just trying to deal with all the changes.
She is struggling and she's come here for support and a bit of a rant and was just given a load of abuse. Well done.

Blue I think you need to read the thread again. The OP has already said her DD is her DP's as she has been with DP since SS was 2 1/2 and DD is 6 yo now so DD is DP's.

The OP and her DP have made no effort whatsoever to create some space for SS and are moving him around the flat like an object to accommodate themselves.

I think you are going to have to suck it up till you move- there is a solution in sight.

He is 11 yrs old - growing up and changing.

I think the attitude to your daughter is normal. I used to torment my brother and looking back, at times was evil but other times we played for hours. He is 11 yrs old and really does not want to play with his little sister all the time. Blanking for 10 minutes - respect, I would have given up after about 5!

If you are punishing him everytime you do not like his attitude then, he is now rebelling - do not blame him.

The change in behaviour sounds like growing up and also maybe trying to tell you he is getting older and needs a change in the way you see him and treat him. You do not mention - what he does when at yours, does he have Dad time, just the two boys together doing something. Mine need Dad time each on their own, they know it is shared but attitude changes albeit sometimes temporary after Dad and son time are massive. No punicshments just some fun - this can be really simple, like reading, going for a wlak, doing some DIY - big favourite.

Sorry I only saw the first page, didn't see that there were more. Sorry on my phone and for some reason looked like just one page.
However, I still think I was right in saying that u all jumped in making judgemental comments before finding out all the facts. Some of you need to get off your high horse before you fall and do yourself an injury!

Yes I would. I stopped sharing a room with my brother when I turned 10.

However this is a totally different situation as this is not everyday. It is 1 night out of 14!!! Why can you not see that need??

Whatever Blue you are as entitled to your opinion as anyone.

OP has judged this child when half his bad attitude is likely caused by the fact she doesn't like him and treats him differently to her own pfb. But hey we are the judgemental bad guys

"The OP and her DP have made no effort whatsoever to create some space for SS and are moving him around the flat like an object to accommodate themselves"

What exactly do you want them to do? Where do you want them to put him?
There are two bedrooms, OP has said he point blank refuses to share with DD, even refused bunk beds. So that leaves OP's bedroom or the living room. Do you want him to have his own bed in OP's room? Or one in the living room? The only place it would be possible to have a permanent bed for him is in DD's room but he refuses.

OP did answer the question about her stepson spending time with his Dad alone:
"all he is into is football. Not fair on dd as she isn't keen on football. Dh takes him out on his own when he can but it's hard when I'm working as someone has to look after dd and why should she miss out on daddy time too. It's not like she gets to spend much quality time alone with her dad either."

So it doesn't sound as if he does get much chance to be with his Dad. I'm not sure why DD doesn't get to spend much quality time with her DF when she actually lives with him.

To switch things around, "it isn't fair on DSS because DH has to take DD with him when they play football, so DSS doesn't get to spend much time alone with his Dad and DD doesn't like football so she isn't happy about that either. Poor DSS only sees his DF for a few hours a week and has very little time without his DSis there."

Errr - how about the adults sleep in the living room, Blue?

Or they put DD on the foam foldout in their room for a couple of nights a month? If it is okay to move DSS around, then it's OK to move DD around.

All have been suggested upthread. The boy does not want to share with his sister for whatever reason - maybe he is embarrassed, maybe he resents the fact it is "her" room, maybe it is decorated in Disney Princesses?

Blue would it be so difficult to put the smaller, younger child on a foam bed in their room 1 night out of 14? That way the 11 yo would at least have some privacy and not be shifted from bed to sofa at whatever time of night?

Would it be so bad for them to have a sofa bed in the living room which they use 1 night out of 14 so that again the 11 yo is not shifted around the flat?

There are other alternatives however the OP and DP are reluctant to put their DD out or even put themselves out to accommodate this lad for 1 night every bloody 14!!!

Flossy - so because you stopped sharing a room at 10, that means the whole world should? But then what if there isn't another bedroom?

I think it's quite a modern cultural attitude that kids need their own rooms, my dad was 1 of 7 kids and he shared his room with his sister until they were in their late teens- when one of the older ones moved out and made bedroom space. Nobody saw a problem with it, I still don't.

Nobody is saying the DD should disappear need but given that she is younger and smaller alternative sleeping arrangements would be easier to arranger for her.

In regards to you DSD sharing with your sons I suggest you start planning now as it would be very unfair to continue your current sleeping arrangements the older your DD gets.

My parents did move house. They planned ahead. Not difficult as far as I remember.

Flossy, if you read my earlier post you will see that I did suggest a sofa bed or air bed for either op and her DH or for dss, so that they wouldn't have to move DSS from one bed to another.

However, I don't think it's reasonable to move DD out of her bed to accomodate DSS, he is the one who is refusing to share so why should DD be made to move because DSS won't share?
And I don't think it gives the right message to either of the DC's, I think it is treating him as a guest and could possible cause more friction between the DCs

Blue stop being ridiculous at no point did I say that everyone should copy me

My response was to needs question Would you still question why the 11 year old should have to share?

You really should read the thread more carefully.

I think being treated as a guest would be a step up from being treated like an object that is in the way which is the current situation.

They OP and her DH have had years to think of this. For how long did they think it could continue? Will they still be expecting him to share with DD or sleep around the house when he is 14?

I feel so sorry for both children in this situation. I can't quite believe you've chosen to bring a third child into this mess