struggling!

[lmb21010]

My step son is 11 yo and I just don't like him! Ok that sounds bad.
He stays over night with us alternative weekends, then one weekend a month we have him 8-7 and the other weekend my hubby just takes him to football then home. the thing is, we live in a small 2 bed flat and he won't share a room with my daughter (6yo) so he goes to bed in our bed then gets transferred to sofa when we go to bed. Housing won't move us as he isn't with us enough.
Also his attitude stinks. I try not to get involved but whenever I do he won't listen. He shouts at me or just cries.
He ignores my daughter 75% of the time or is nasty to her.
I'm now 20w pregnant with my 2nd and I just can't take the stress anymore. I've spoken to hubby who generally agrees with me but is worried about getting limited access or being taken to csa (we currently have an arrangement privately with the mum and pay her weekly)
I just don't know what to do. Just needing to rant really

I think what people are saying is that the lack of anywhere at all in the house that he can feel is his is probably at least contributing to the bad behaviour. Why not get bunk beds for your dds room and put a little shelf up by the top bunk, let him choose a new douvet cover and tell him it's a shared bedroom (not him kipping on the floor of Dds bedroom?

Then when he's playing up and behaving badly you'll have somewhere to send him to give you some space from him.

Oh Christ really!!!!

Some one ran to MNHQ. Some folk need to grow up.

You sound more childish than your 11 year old ss.

Every post you make only further convinces me that the only solution that would suit you is that he doesn't come at all. There's nothing here that can't be sorted with a bit of thought and showing willing. You want to rant? There's nothing really here to be ranting about. It just sounds like you're bitching about an 11 year old because his presence puts you out a bit. You're being told that and you don't like it. Cry me a river.

We only have a 2 bed house and my dsd (11) and dss (8) share a room. They have their own room at their mums. It's not ideal but it's how it has to be. We can't afford a bigger place yet. But even we do go to buy it will only be a 3 bed and even then his kids will share. Me and dp both agree that should a 3rd child come along. they will get their own room as they will be the resident child. It doesn't mean we love one child more than the others it's just what we see fit to be fair. Why should one of my dsd have their own room to only use it half a week. When a child full time has a room to share. Anyway slightly away from the original post.

Op I think your dp needs to spend more time with his ds. He might also want to talk to him about the living arrangements. Try and explain that it would be better if he had his own bed even if it's in his half sister's room. It's better than being shifted. He could maybe use your room to chill out in until bed time. Is that not an option?

If you are exchanging to a 2 bed will you not still have this issue? Or did you mean you are going to a 3 bed?

It's not easy getting along with dsc. But if I'm struggling sometimes it's nice just to have a family games night. Playing boggle or cards or frustration. Any game all of us can play. It can help relieve tension. Get some treats and a Disney movie. Most kids, boys and girls like a good Disney film. Obviously it's most important dss has just dad time though too where possible. There's no reason you can't make this work. Good luck op. Xx

Thank you always.
As I've said they spend as much time as possible together. Alone. It's not easy at all but we try to let the 2 of them be alone together as much as possible. 4 hrs on a Thursday then at least 5 hrs alone on a Saturday but together for the rest of the day.
I'm not interested in "solutions" to the sleeping situation now as it'll be sorted in a few months. New house is a 2 bed yes but much bigger and has a dining room which can be turned into a bedroom.
We try to watch films like transformers or Harry potter when he is here and we fancy a film as we know both kids enjoy them. As for games, we play a lot together although I admit they are usually too young for ss, the ones his age are too old for dd to play alone. If it is more appropriate for ss, dd will team up with me.
2 years ago everything was fine and we had a happy household, now he has got older things have gone to pot.

I'd put it down to teenage hormones. My dsd is the same. We used to get on really well but this past year its been so strained.

If you really are doing all you can. Then just keep going. If you and dp are doing your best in a bad situation don't get riled by ppl on here. We're all just an opinionated bunch.

You obv having a tough time. Why not go visiting to friends and have some you time.

Try and not let dss get to you if he is being a pest. He's prob just being a kid and pushing the boundaries. Let dp deal with him and bite your tongue if need be.

Hugs and hope it gets better soon. X

@FlossyMoo

Oh Christ really!!!!

Some one ran to MNHQ. Some folk need to grow up.

We do ask people to report anything they are concerned about - so no need to be harsh there.
AGain, a reminder that we're here to make lives easier
On that note, can I please give you all a daffodil.

I do like daffodils so yes I would happily accept one.

Thats a point Perp.

Cooey Olivia are you going to mention anything about the name calling from the OP??

You must all be supportive no matter what however a mardy OP who didn't get the responses she wanted can call you all bitches thats totally ok

Bitch isn't a very nice word.

Thank you Floss. I feel some Heston Blumenthal style experimentation coming on

There are posters who always slag off the DSM on these threads.

Don't take it personally OP!

Untrue Moniker.

The OP was not slagged off at all she was advised and frankly given honest opinions on her situation. There was no slagging off involved.

I could say there are always posters who encourage abusive behaviour towards DSC but I won't because well that that would be sinking to your level.

Your tongue will turn black if you tell whoppers like that Moniker.

It's not really reasonable to decide that only DSM who think your way are the 'proper' DSM, now is it?

Have a daffodil.

Nonsense Moniker.

Just because the OP starts stamping her feet because she doesn't like the answers she's getting it doesn't mean she's being slagged off. As far as I can see no one has called her a bitch or told her the don't like her (unlike the 11 year old CHILD this thread has been started about.

It also seems that the dire housing situation described in the OP and subsequent posts that lead to the "rant" regarding this child has somehow miraculously resolved itself which leads me to wonder what the OP is moaning about exactly? The child's behaviour? Behaviour that has been repeatedly pointed out to the OP is perfectly normal and age appropriate.

Someone's getting a slagging off but it's certainly not the grown woman OP.

Proof!

Proof!

Of what??

Life on Mars??
Lord Lucan still lives??
Elvis works in my local chippy??
Marilyn was murdered by the FBI??
The moon landings were a hoax???

My sister once ate daffodil bulbs thinking they were chestnuts. She was in her thirties at the time and, as far as I am aware suffered no ill effects. Not that I am recommending it, but she was strange to start off with so it's difficult to tell.

Another one who wonders how the housing situation was suddenly resolved after numerous people said how unreasonably OP was behaving to have a child staying over for five years without providing him with a proper place to sleep or even considering that the best thing to do would be to give up her own bed for a couple of nights.

That isn't being bitchy, it is pointing out the obvious. But then it is unreasonable to suppose someone who states she dislikes her 11 year old stepson would put herself out for his sake.

Do Daff bulbs even look like chestnut Katie

Well I posed the question about the arrangements prior to baby arriving then buggered off. I asked it because I felt it was pertinent to whether it's just more recent behaviour, or as a result of a bigger picture.

It's pretty clear to me that it's the bigger picture. This little boy wasn't even staying overnight with his Dad - and I can't understand why he couldn't stay at his gradparents' when his Dad lived there. And then along comes Dad's new partner and they have a baby and move into a home together where baby has a room yet there are no proper sleeping arrangements for him. So Dad was happy to do all that for new baby, but not for him. It's bound to have an effect. At 11 he is now starting to question things a lot more, think for himself and have a voice that he wouldn't have had at 5/6/7. And on top of that a second baby is also coming who will also be accommodated within the family more than he is.

Ball's in your court really op as to whether you want to see this from the point of view of an 11 year old and do something about making him feel more welcome and part of the family.