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Step-parenting

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Original poster

struggling!

241 replies

lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 13:15

My step son is 11 yo and I just don't like him! Ok that sounds bad.
He stays over night with us alternative weekends, then one weekend a month we have him 8-7 and the other weekend my hubby just takes him to football then home. the thing is, we live in a small 2 bed flat and he won't share a room with my daughter (6yo) so he goes to bed in our bed then gets transferred to sofa when we go to bed. Housing won't move us as he isn't with us enough.
Also his attitude stinks. I try not to get involved but whenever I do he won't listen. He shouts at me or just cries.
He ignores my daughter 75% of the time or is nasty to her.
I'm now 20w pregnant with my 2nd and I just can't take the stress anymore. I've spoken to hubby who generally agrees with me but is worried about getting limited access or being taken to csa (we currently have an arrangement privately with the mum and pay her weekly)
I just don't know what to do. Just needing to rant really

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 27/02/2015 21:26

some pretty nasty response on here!

op 11 year old boys are worse than any age teenager! and the fact he gets away with treating you and your daughter in this way is bound to cause frustration however I think you are directing it at the wrong person. your issue is with your dh allowing his ds to behave in this manner.

I would look into getting bunkbeds for your dd and dss and make sure that they get some privacy with curtains or a divider. allow them to decorate a wall each and pick their own bedding etc so it is their space.

realistically you have him in your home very little so you need to fake it better

Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 21:32

Going to reply bit by bit as net keeps crashing.
Sleeping arrangement:
Dds room is tiny and I mean tiny so no room for a second bed. We did get one of those foam chair to bed things to put in her room for him to sleep on but he flatly refused to share the room. He was only 5 when we moved in here and we have asked on many occasions but he just refuses to share. Even asked about bunk beds - no.
Dd is very nearly 7 so will not be sharing a bed with us as she never has.
I work most weekends starting at 7 so it would be unfair to risk waking her at 6 when I'm getting ready for work.

OP posts:
Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 21:34

Dh with ss:
They see each other Thursday evenings, Saturday's and most Sunday's too, forgot to mention Sunday's.
Dh works 9am -12am the other 4 days so physically can't see him any more than he does already.

OP posts:
Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 21:36

Maintenance:
When they split up my dh took on their joint loan repayments as maintenance payments. Since paid he has given her £50 pw every week for maintenance. If that's not a reasonable amount I don't know what is. We also help out with school trips etc

OP posts:
Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 21:40

Housing:
We've been on the waiting list for a larger property for 6 years to no avail.
We have got a swap lined up but will not be until around the time the baby is due.
I don't think anyone has the right to slate me for having a baby, those comments are out of order.

OP posts:
Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 21:43

Dd and ss:
They can play really well together and sometimes he will even happily help with her homework. Dd isn't much of a girly girl so it's not all dolls and barbies. But it seems that whenever our backs are turned he starts picking on her. 2 weeks ago he pretended to fall asleep because she asked if he'd play monopoly with her! Completely blanked her for 10 minutes, until we stepped in.

OP posts:
HattyMonkey · 27/02/2015 21:44

Could you get a sofa bed for the living room and leave dsd in your room for the weekend. He probably feels he doesn't have any privacy when he is at your house which at that age is very important.

Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 21:46

Dhs opinion:
He agrees with me about his attitude! Unfortunately no matter what he does as punishment etc is counter acted by the mother. Remove his mobile, mother gives it back etc. So there really is very little we can do. We have spoken to the mother about concerns, she agrees that his actions and attitude are out of hand and wrong but won't discipline him. No win situation.

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 27/02/2015 21:47

try putting yourself in his shoes. He didn't ask to be in this situation. He now has to make do with the shit life choices his parents have made and probally notices that you resent him.

Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 21:50

We try to do things as a family but whenever it is something ss is not 100% in to, he sulks, he moans, he kicks up a fuss. And all he is into is football. Not fair on dd as she isn't keen on football. Dh takes him out on his own when he can but it's hard when I'm working as someone has to look after dd and why should she miss out on daddy time too. It's not like she gets to spend much quality time alone with her dad either.

OP posts:
Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 22:06

Me and dh have been together since ss was 2.5 yrs and have never treated him any other way than we do now. he was such a lovely little lad until 2 ish years ago.. No he didn't choose to be in this situation, but unfortunately he is.
I just wanted some advice on how to go about getting him to be more positive and more polite with me and dd, we always start each visit a fresh, doesn't matter what happened last time. But it always seems to end the same way.
And he will just not listen to me. Ifs it's just me and him it's an absolute nightmare, he starts kicking off as soon as dh goes out, even if it's just popping to the shop for milk!
I don't know how to handle it and it's just getting worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
lmb21010 · 27/02/2015 22:08

Please stop slating/judging me, I have tried everything I can think of. I even make sure we have his favourite foods in for him etc. We do make him feel welcome, we do treat him the same way as our daughter. I have honestly tried all I can think of. I'm stuck now.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 27/02/2015 22:19

I didn't slate you but it is unfair that this poor boy doesn't have anywhere to sleep. Unlike his sister. That is treating him differently. You don't want to disturb her when you get up early for work, but don't you disturb him?
I suggested he sleep in your room when he visits and you sleep in the living room and another poster suggested you get a sofa bed. That sounds like a good idea. It's only for two nights a month after all. A pal had alone bedroom house and always did this when his DD stayed over.

NerrSnerr · 28/02/2015 01:18

OP- I don't think you're being slated. Your step son needs somewhere to sleep and the situation will be worse when the baby arrives. Is there any way you could rent privately? What do you currently have planned regarding sleeping arrangements when the baby arrives?

I have no idea how much a fair maintenance is but if your husband is paying the going rate then I don't see why you'd care if the CSA were involved or not.

Arsenic · 28/02/2015 03:25

Since paid he has given her £50 pw every week for maintenance. If that's not a reasonable amount I don't know what is.

That depends on what he earns, but if it is fair and reasonable, why worry about the CSA? They are a government service to help with the calculation and collection of reasonable CM. Not a gang of shysters. What's the problem?

Storm15 · 28/02/2015 06:10

I didn't slate you but it is unfair that this poor boy doesn't have anywhere to sleep. Unlike his sister. That is treating him differently.

But his situation IS different. He's only there two nights a month whereas his sister lives there full time. We're about to move into a house where we will have enough bedrooms to to accommodate all of our children but DSD will be getting the smallest; because she's not here as much as the others and she has a room at her mother's house. Her situation is different.

I don't understand the refusal to share? Can your DH not just say to his son "you are sharing and that is that"? My DSD has to share with my DS if we have friends or relatives staying and we wouldn't give them the option to refuse. It sounds like you're giving him a lot of power for an 11 year old. Things like 'making sure his favourite foods are always in' aren't always as helpful as you might think...

As for the stuff with your daughter; I don't think the behaviour sounds that unusual for siblings My DSD and DS squabble non-stop and are absolutely horrible to each other much of the time. She comes for extended periods of time so I've learned to leave them to it throw them into the garden so I don't have to listen to it and only step in if they start trying to thump each other. It's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other most of the time anyway. Your DSS comes less often so I'd just take your DD out when he's there if it's getting too much for you to put up with.

Agree with everyone else regarding the CSA. Why not pay through them?

Arsenic · 28/02/2015 06:12

Why is contact so limited? Has it always been so little?

More contact, more frequently might actually help.

needaholidaynow · 28/02/2015 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo · 28/02/2015 07:46

Dd is very nearly 7 so will not be sharing a bed with us as she never has.
I work most weekends starting at 7 so it would be unfair to risk waking her at 6 when I'm getting ready for work.

^This is what annoys me. You claim to "treat them the same" yet you will no doubt be waking up the poor boy who is asleep on the sofa when you go to work. Why is your DD's sleep any more precious than you SS?

Your SS attitude is more than likely caused by normal 11 yo behaviour and the fact that it is clear his sister is the prefered child in that house. Put her on a blow up bed in your room for the 1 night he stays over. Give the boy some privacy. Make him feel like a family member and not an inconvenient guest.
His behavior will get worse when the baby comes along as you will start to resent his presence even more and space for him in that flat will diminish further.

Oh and regarding punishments you cannot ask the other parent to continue punishments his father has set out for bad behaviour while he is with you. That is just stupid. She may not agree with them or see anything wrong. Doesn't make her the ex from hell just means she has her own rules in her home. You cannot expect the father to lay down the law across two homes he has no right to dictate how his ex parents in her home.

yellowdaisies · 28/02/2015 07:52

Is the only advice you're looking for that your DSS shouldn't come to stay any more?

needaholidaynow · 28/02/2015 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo · 28/02/2015 08:09

No need it won't it will show that he is as important as anyone else in the house to have a space where he can go ONE NIGHT IN FOURTEEN.

The SS is moved around that flat to accommodate the permanent family members needs. Maybe being treated as a guest would be better for this boy as he is treated as an inconvenience at the moment.

needaholidaynow · 28/02/2015 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bakeoffcake · 28/02/2015 08:20

Can you give some examples of what he's actually doing to upset you.
You've said he "kicks of" but what does that actually mean?
You said he pretended to fall asleep because he didn't want to play Monoply, that's typical elder sibling behaviour, it's not naughty!

needaholidaynow · 28/02/2015 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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