struggling!

[lmb21010]

My step son is 11 yo and I just don't like him! Ok that sounds bad.
He stays over night with us alternative weekends, then one weekend a month we have him 8-7 and the other weekend my hubby just takes him to football then home. the thing is, we live in a small 2 bed flat and he won't share a room with my daughter (6yo) so he goes to bed in our bed then gets transferred to sofa when we go to bed. Housing won't move us as he isn't with us enough.
Also his attitude stinks. I try not to get involved but whenever I do he won't listen. He shouts at me or just cries.
He ignores my daughter 75% of the time or is nasty to her.
I'm now 20w pregnant with my 2nd and I just can't take the stress anymore. I've spoken to hubby who generally agrees with me but is worried about getting limited access or being taken to csa (we currently have an arrangement privately with the mum and pay her weekly)
I just don't know what to do. Just needing to rant really

I suppose the arrival of a new baby is an opportunity for everyone in the family to talk about the future.

How will space be shared out once the new baby arrives. There will be more clutter and more disturbances at night. So even if the stepson doesn't have his own room, it might be important to think about a corner - in the living room - which is his. You can also talk more about how things might work (better) when bigger accommodation becomes available.

Also it might be important to talk about time. Perhaps going and doing football will still be a priority. But there might have to be more flexibility about other things.

How does your stepson feel about the arrival of a new sibling. New born babies aren't necessarily that interesting at first, but he may grow to feel fond of her/him in time. There'll also be the opportunity for him to help in various ways, if he'd like to do that sometimes.

It's important to remember that there will be other changes in his life. Either he's at a new secondary school - or he will be finding out where he is going to in September. So there's a lot going on for him.

As I've said, dh works 15 hour days the other 4 days a week a d that has been reduced!

What were the arrangements for him before your first child arrived?

Anymore thought to the sleeping arrangements OP?

We actually both livedwith parents before our daughter arrived so ss didn't spend the night. We then private rented for 3 months, as dd was so little we all agreed that starting to stay overnight wouldn't be fair on him quite yet. We were then made homeless for 8 weeks as landlady sold the house. Then we got the flat through housing association and ss started staying when dd was about 9 months. He has always done the same 're sleeping. When we get our house the rooms are a lot bigger although still only 2 bed, our 2 will share and we shall convert the lounge into a room for ss or make a room for him in the dining room. A permanent room. As I said he has been refusing to share since he started staying with us.

I don't disturb ss when I'm getting ready for work as I don't go into the lounge.
As for disturbing him to move him, he always and I mean always gets up for a wee between 1030 and 11 so we simply redirect him to lounge rather than our room.
He goes to bed at 8 ish on a Saturday generally because he is shattered from playing football, it's not like we make him go at that time, most weeks he is asking to go to bed at that time.

We've got around 6 months to wait for the house so I think we are coming to the end of a very hard few years. I'm hoping that his attitude is just due to his age and he will grow out of it. His behaviour, the same.
Sleeping arrangement will either have to stay pretty much the same or me and dh go to bed early. Not trying anything different tonight for sure as I am so sick.
Ss is part of our family, dh spends as much time with him as possible, Thursday evenings and Saturday morning is just the 2 of them.
Dd has as much time with him as ss does because of the hours he works.
Wish I'd never posted as it hasn't helped being slagged off etc.
Oh and the baby, was planned, have waited 6 years to try for this one, situation is changing.

Yes it's still only a 2 bed but it's huge compared to the flat, easily get 2 beds in smaller room and it's got a dining room. We'll either give ss one of the bedrooms or the lounge, using the dining room as lounge and lounge as bedroom, or make a room with dividers in the dining room.
I'm just struggling with his behaviour right now and I guess the pregnancy hormones are not helping. The 3 of them are nice and quiet watching a rugby together right now, it's heaven as I am feeling so poorly.

So DSS had a period of about 9 months where he never stayed overnight with his Dad, is that right? And when the overnight visits started up, he didn't want to sleep in the same room as his baby sister.

It sounds as if these things might be related. It must have been very difficult for a little boy to understand. He was younger than your DD is now and was probably very confused. Why not fast forward 5 years and try to imagine DH has a new wife and family and she says that she dislikes your DD, resents the time he spends with her etc - and then see how you feel about the situation.

So, what about all those suggestions that you get a sofa-bed/air bed for the living room and you and DH sleeping there for a couple of nights a month? Or putting DD on a foam fold out in your room? that might let DSS see that you are putting him first and it might help the whole situation.

Please let him and his father have time together without DD. She has the benefit of two parents who live together, her own room with a bed in it etc. And she doesn't have a step-mother who really dislikes her either.

imb21010 I think you have been very brave to post here how you currently feel about your DSS. I am sorry that you got such a roasting.

I do hope things get easier for you when you move. As you say this has been the situation for the past 5 years, so probably no need to change anything now. Maybe talk to him about the new house, you probably have, and let him get a bit excited about his own space.

Good luck and I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Katiekaye : please read thoroughly before commenting, he spends as much time alone with him as physically possible! And probably more quality time than dh can spend with dd! And dh didn't have ss overnight before we lived together as he was sleeping either on his parents couch or in his truck.
Calico: thank you. Why cant ppl just be nice. Wasn't after a grilling, just some friendly advice.

Bed for dd in our room won't be happening as I'd wake her getting ready for work, how is that fair on her? Atm I go from bedroom to bathroom to bedroom to out the door, only disturbing dh, well tough!
Us sleeping in the lounge could work, however I'm not going to go and buy a sofa bed for approx 12 uses.
I'd have to be super organised to have everything I need in the lounge for the next morning before he goes to bed which is generally less than half an hour before I get in if I'm working. But I'm willing to try, just not tonight!
My ss does mean a lot to me, but his behaviour and attitude stinks. if he was mine is probably still be asking for advice but at least I'd be able to discipline him without feeling that it's not my place to.

I did read. And I read that DH has DD there too when he takes DS out and she doesn't like football, so you feel it isn't fair on her!!! So it doesn't sound like there is much time for them to be alone together which might explain why he has the attitude. You know, he might just be jealous of you and DD?

So, a little boy has never spent the night with his father before and didn't wNt to share a room with a baby? That's not actually surprising. It must have been very strange for him.

So, after years of him being moved to the sofa every time he comes to stay over it's only when total strangers suggest it that you agree that a sofa bed for you and DH might have been a good idea?

It doesn't sound like he feels part of your family. maybe if he is aware of the fact you don't like him, that might be the reason he is acting up. It's pretty unreasonable to put all the blame on an 11 year old.

You were given plenty of advice. You were given possible reasons as to why his attitude stinks. Funny how you have gone from "housing won't move us" to your getting a new place in 6 months time

What you wanted was to be told you are justified is disliking your SS and that you are doing all you can and it's not yours or DP's fault and that you are correct to always put your DD first. Some posters have said that some haven't. You were never going to get all on your side responses.

Well you used very negative language when describing an 11 year old child and then followed up with a litany of his, in your opinion unreasonable, but actually perfectly normal behaviour and that was never really going to get a positive reception from many, me included. I stand by what I said on this thread and still think it. That said it seems it's purely a temporary issue and may be relieved in a few months when you move. Hopefully anyway. I still think you need to be quite a bit more realistic in your expectations of him and I hope they change too for all your sakes, but mostly his.

You can't take the stress! What about a poor child caught in the middle of all this through no fault of his own. You sound very selfish and precious. You must think of others first especially a child. And why add another child to this mess.

I am confused by the "I will wake DD getting ready for work". You start work in the evenings at 7pm? Is your DD really asleep by then? Really?

And if this is true (she is asleep before 7pm) why could you not (when DSS with you) just get your stuff out/ready before hand. Unless you are dressing up in some really complex/bulky stuff surely you just:

1. Think "Oh DSS here, DD in our room let me get my stuff ready
2. Get outfit/make up and whatever else you need and put in a place it will not disturb your DD (back of bathroom door?)
3. Get ready in bathroom.

Wow. Such an easy solution. Do you think that could work?

In actual fact it's a mutual exchange, housing aren't moving us.
Thursday evenings and Saturday morning they are alone together it's if we want to do something as a family we struggle as they like doing different things and if it's not football related ss complains and puts a dampener on the day for everyone else.
I believe I said I wanted a rant, didn't ask for advice or to be slated.
Remembering now ss did have a blow up mattress to sleep on but it burst and we couldn't afford another at the time, once we could he said he'd rather sleep on the sofa.
Honestly wish I hadn't started this thread. Why reply to a post in such a negative way when it's obvious that the Op is struggling to begin with? Shouldn't be called mumsnet, should be bitchnet

Chop or not, I start at 7am!

Same thing though surely? Just be more organised.

Also, just to add, its very hard for a 28 yo to bring up an 11yo. So yes maybe our decisions haven't been the best but it's happened. What can we do about it now? We do what we can for both the kids, we both work to pay our way, we spend as much quality time with them a physically possible. But hey, at least we don't harm our kids like lots do, we don't beat them or lock them in cupboards. We are not the world's worst parents.
Not everything can be portrayed well on a site like this and perhaps that's what's happened. If I was Sat talking to you maybe it would all seem completely different to you than how u have read it on here.
It's not even really about the sleeping arrangement, that we can cope with. It's his attitude and behaviour, but like I've said maybe and hopefully thats due to his age.
Have u ever tried sleeping on a sofa then going to do a 12 hr shift, it's not fun.

Hello hello
Can see that there is a fair amount of heated debate here and we know that step parenting is certainly NOT easy.

Would remind you all that Mumsnet is here to make lives EASIER and that this is not AIBU and that sometimes the one thing we can all do with is some moral support.

For you it is not about the sleeping arrangements but maybe for him it is.

He has had to cope with a new baby in his dads life. He was then supposed to share with his baby sister, something I would assume he is not used to. He is now 11 years old and still has no place in his dads home, is forced to play with a 6 yo girl he sees only once to twice a week and is then told off when he doesn't. Oh yeah and guess what he has another baby sibling on the way so I wouldn't be surprised if he is left wondering how little of his dad he will get now.

This may go some way in to helping you understand his behaviour. But hey I'm just a bitch so what do I know.