Honestly, this board is not a nice place

[TheMumsRush]

Sick of goady fuckers, trolls and people coming to bash SM from all angles! Some of the "advise" is shocking. If you try it's "step back, not your kids!" But if you don't it's "you're cold and the kids know it". And god forbid you just have a rant that you can't in RL. I see the same posters with the same SM hating shite!

It would stop a lot of the unfortunate first impressions and misunderstandings too maybe?

MNHQ - how do you feel about this?

The Stately Homes has been running for ages, but I haven't seen similar on other boards to avoid the kind of tensions and disagreements that have happened here - is this something you'd endorse or would prefer to avoid?

There used to be such a thing Wakey, and they were long running threads of SM worries and gripes, irritations and venting (is that an accepted word - I can't keep up?) It was also a place where we shared nice things that had happened or our stepchildren had done to make us feel if only fleetingly like it was all worth while.

Unfortunately other posters saw it as a convenient place to cage together all the SMs for a kicking, we were goaded, hounded, our words taken out of context and twisted, the good things ignored.

It was an utter shit storm in the end.

I remember, Fenton. I was there, minus my Minnie Mouse ears - how the devil are you, btw?

I've not rtft, but I see this a lot on this board. Also not a stepmum, but it seems to me that maybe it should be like the SN boards and you have to seek it out, rather than automatically showing in Active convos.

Lots of people seem to come on with advice when they don't have a clue as they have never experienced it.

You pesky namechangers I don't know who anyone is any more.

I thought we were all being exhorted to consider the backstory?

What's your suggestion Fenton?

I am an SM and my DCs have an SM.

I come on here to learn and comment on what is in my experience. I have learnt a lot from seeing other POVs about situations, which has on occasions stopped me from losing it with the EX. How somethings can get misinterpreted.

What have I learnt:

There are some lovely SMs trying their best and there are some bloody awful SMs aswell.

Overwhelming - the fathers need to grow some balls on both sides. Dealing with their new families but also their old.

Money is an issue all the time, I find the "we pay the CSA amount" used as a justification offensive - it is a minimum!

There are a phenomenal number of assumptions made on both sides about why something was allegedly said/done etc. Having seen the posts of my EXHs new DP - some are pure fantasy!

I think on both sides they all forget at times, the kids did not ask for this set up and too often we all project adult understanding and maturity onto a child and say - well they should just........ Easier said than done.

I have learnt from this board - not a place I ever wanted to have to come and learn but under some of the comments, there is a lot of good advice.

@WakeyCakey45

MNHQ - how do you feel about this?

The Stately Homes has been running for ages, but I haven't seen similar on other boards to avoid the kind of tensions and disagreements that have happened here - is this something you'd endorse or would prefer to avoid?

The Stately Homes threads were the initiative of a group of posters, mainly from Relationships IRRC. They're very much the same as any other long running quiche on MN, such as the Just Shagging conception threads, or the Brave Babes, in that they have organically sprung up, and anyone is free to join in with them. If you would like to start up something similar then you're free to do so

We're very keen on making sure Step-Parenting is a constructive place to post, so as ever, if there's something you'd like us to take a look at, please do report it.

Having seen the posts of my EXHs new DP - some are pure fantasy!

Does she know you're here reading her posts?

Eh?

Is there a reason you feel the need to be arsey with me Arsenicy ? - I just got here

I haven't read all Wakey's posts, no. If i had i probably would have recognised her without prompting, I haven't been a regular of the SP board for a long time - my flounce from SP has been posted on this very thread.

And fwiw as others have already said, I found her immensely helpful, disengaging for me, albeit a temporary measure, actually saved my relationship with my stepsons, hell, it probably saved my marriage.

And no I wasn't offering a suggestion, merely recalling what happened before, but since you ask I think it's sad that anyone feels they have to confine their chat to their own collective thread for fear of bothering anyone else with their talk.

Thanks KateS - can I ask - how does the Stately homes and other quiche threads avoid the type of "kicking" that the SM threads seem to have received?

For instance, in the SH thread, there are occasional armchair diagnoses of personality disorders - in other areas of the board (such as here on SParenting) that is jumped on, condemned and the thread totall hijacked - whereas in Stately Homes, it is ignored and not challenged. Is it just a case of self policing, or is there some way of preventing quiche threads being "policed" by posters who are uncomfortable with the language or attitude shared by that particular quiche?

Hello Fenton, missed you!
(I don't post here any more either)

I did wonder why I found myself liking Wakey.

Now I know.

I have to say though that I do wonder at what constitutes being "nasty" and "attacking" on this board and also if the "posting to go after SM" is quite as prevalent as seems to be the belief. I say this as I have been repeatedly accused of the above on this board and am apparently one of the worst for it (unfortunately those posts were deleted as personal attacks so I cannot link) and yet having done a search on the threads I have posted on in this forum, there are 15 in the 6 months since I name changed and on some of them I offer unquestioning support. I am also very careful to only post where I see something I find disturbing or I have personal knowledge I can contribute.

It seriously makes me question exactly how much you are being attacked just for being step parents on this board as opposed to just having the more strenuous, controversial and unpleasant views challenged. I understand that some challenges are unique to step parents (I have been on both sides of the equation) but the same can be said for many of the boards here on MN. Why is it so different for you? Why should beyond the pale comments towards children go unchallenged? And those who do so be labelled as bullies and attacking etc?

This is a serious question by the way.

I don't think arsenic was going for you at all fenton it was just a question since you had entered a debate she was engaged in and been overwhelmingly negative about the idea of a support thread, which is of course your right if you've had a bad experience of that.

I honestly don't understand it.

I do not think she knows, because some of the posts have been so untrue - I refuse to give them any time - but it does explain what my DCS say sometimes.

How do I know - DC brought her ipad home by mistake instead of the DCs and she was logged in!

It seriously makes me question exactly how much you are being attacked just for being step parents on this board as opposed to just having the more strenuous, controversial and unpleasant views challenged.

I think there's a difference between challenging someone's pov by putting an alternative view forward as opposed to telling someone they are deluded, kidding themselves are letting their DCs down and should be ashamed of themselves because they don't agree with that pov.

Disagreeing with someone isn't the issue - judging them for their own opinions (and making spiteful comments about the likely future for their DCs) is.

I hold my hands up and admit I've done it on occasion, but it does seem to be a more common posting on this board now than previously.

Brilliant. Getting all the info without having to snoop for it.

I think, Nicky it can sometimes be writing style. It can be very hard to convey what you want to say writing something, instead of saying it.

Primarily, MN was set up as a support forum. For all kinds of parents.

So, why shouldn't posters be able to come and vent, somewhere hopefully anonymously, without being told that talking about ex/step-DCs etc is abhorrent etc etc etc ?

I'm sure if we all dig deep enough and think before we post, we all have irrational feelings on most things, sometimes.

If you feel strongly that how a poster chooses to 'vent' is horrible and unimaginable, maybe you are not best placed to post a response ?

We all have off days, don't we ?

Please don't bring up other threads wakey it's against talk guidelines so that means I can't discuss it with you here, which makes it rather unfair don't you think?

I'm afraid I can't ignore posts that are abusive in tone or content and those are the ones I tend to post on.