Honestly, this board is not a nice place

[TheMumsRush]

Sick of goady fuckers, trolls and people coming to bash SM from all angles! Some of the "advise" is shocking. If you try it's "step back, not your kids!" But if you don't it's "you're cold and the kids know it". And god forbid you just have a rant that you can't in RL. I see the same posters with the same SM hating shite!

I think some posters wish to be free to vent in the most spiteful and aggressive ways about their step kids and when called upon it start playing the derailing card.

Flossy, that's what I'm talking about. I Iv'e seen threads were the OP has been getting good advice but not necessarily the advice she wants to hear. I've also seen posts where the OP has been told she means nothing to the children and never will, and that's even without addressing the original problem or concern that the OP had.

Yes. One person's 'venting' is different from the next person's.

There have been posts about wanting to 'knock out' and 'smack' and 'punch' EXWs, posts about the intention to make DSC make their meals off the floor with the family dog if their table manners don't improve.

Most posters wouldn't condone those things, surely?

^eat their meals...

I find it is a board where posters forget the OP completely and project their own problem.

calamity that is lovely! if only more mum's saw it that way!!

mumsrush no prizes for who this is in relation to!! she pissed me of on 2 threads today xxx

I personally have never seen those kinds of posts, well the OW one, I have, which always strikes me as an utterly nonsensical thing to say. I do think though that excessively high expectations in step families from one or other of the adults concerned are the main reasons for discord and have often said so. I am uncomfortable with the blaming and vilifying of children as young as four that I have seen regularly on here.

And if you are one of the ones who really can't hack the fact that people won't always feel positive while being a step parent then this forum really isn't the place for you...

Of course they don't need. Couldn't agree with your post more.

I think agreeing with people that their reactions are fine when they have clearly been pushed over a line (I've been over that line) is not only helpful though, it is unkind.

I'm talking about the ones who come on and express no experience of step-parents/blended families not people who have experience.
The ones that will say 'where you the OW' and completely rip you a new one for not putting your own life or dc on par with the stepchild ( who I have had one poster say I should put first).
Hope that clears where I'm coming from.

I love hearing and value the opinions of people who have walked these steps or at least show some compassion and empathy for highly stressful and hard situations.

What a shame wheres I think this thread was really positive until your post.

^unhelpful

Ah I see what you mean Tutt

One of the things that is making this confusing is that we are all forced to use the same words (venting, GF, derail, advice) and descriptions for very different things.

When i first started using SP this was the first post i read and i honestly couldn't believe someone could be made to feel like this...well here i am

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1776021-I-just-wanted-to-say-goodbye-and-good-luck

There are some really fab step-mum's and there are some really awful one's too - much like mums dads siblings friends...

It's upsetting when people don't stop and think before they post, or when people come on here just to vent their spleen. As with all other boards, all you can do is 'ignore & report' and hope they get banned. I think all of us, on all of the boards need to stop taking things 'off board' to facebook etc and report report report - because when all the 'good stuff' ends up 'off board' the boards really suffer.

As an aside though...

I don't think you can dismiss the 'Were you the OW?' question out of hand. Surely people must realise that if that is how their relationship started then the relationship between the SM & the ExW (and often the children) is far more likely to be strained and that it will affect how people answer a post. It's not really a point you can choose to ignore.

It's tricky. I have certainly had some very uncharitable thoughts about DSS being annoying or disrespecting me. But I have been aware that they are irrational and based on unreasonable expectations so I wouldn't post them on this forum without a lot of quantifiers and acknowledgements that I know it's not his fault really. So when I see some posters venting about their DSC, on the one hand I can identify and understand, and I just assume they have skipped the toning-down language and acknowledgements of the fact that of course they are just a child etc. But I guess can see how others read the same thing as aggressive, spiteful venting about a child.

I think it just essentially IS quite challenging when a fully-formed child enters your life on a regular basis (and yes I KNOW you had a choice about that etc) and is sometimes annoying even if often lovely. Without the bond of unconditional love between parent/child or family members, without it being a job or profession you are trained in and paid for, without really being in a position to majorly shape and influence what kind of person the child is growing into...those times when they are annoying are tough sometimes and you know you can't say anything IRL because it isn't fair. So you say it on here. Whereas when they do lovely things you share with your DP/DH and other people IRL.

That's my perspective anyway, and I only have a mildly annoying DSS! But am not a parent myself so it was a big shock adjusting to the realities of children and the way they behave.

calamity that is lovely! if only more mum's saw it that way!!

See, comments like that just get people's backs up, it's unnecessary!

Well you might post your spleen without the qualifiers river, I can see how that might happen. But surely the supportive thing is NOT for others to then rally round and say "you're absolutely right, he does sound like an irredeemable little shit with machiavellian abilities and no souls, of course you must put all his belongings in a skip/ feed him from a dog bowl/ pressure your DP to cut contact down" because that isn't what friends do when you are at your worst, highly emotional and talking venomous nonsense you wouldn't mean on a good day.

And god knows I've had venomous thoughts myself.

I don't mean 'you', you river , I mean 'one'.

There are some really positive posts on this thread, at least op

There is feeling more positive, now if we could only get Fenton back