Honestly, this board is not a nice place

[TheMumsRush]

Sick of goady fuckers, trolls and people coming to bash SM from all angles! Some of the "advise" is shocking. If you try it's "step back, not your kids!" But if you don't it's "you're cold and the kids know it". And god forbid you just have a rant that you can't in RL. I see the same posters with the same SM hating shite!

Wakey you are being misleading. If ou are going to quote and reply to two of us in one post, do you mind making that clear?

Particularly as you are calling one of us names..

Wakey How the hell is telling somebody who is looking for support and advice It will never get any better helpful?

You are very deluded and I worry that your bitterness at your own situations clouds your view of others.

That is a misquote

It can't be a misquote because it isn't a quote.

It was your insistence that communication was futile that was startling.

How the hell is telling somebody who is looking for support and advice It will never get any better helpful?

As I've already explained, it helped me. So it might help someone else.

I won't stop posting in that way, if you don't like it, then report it.

As I've already explained, it helped me. So it might help someone else.

But there's a difference between expressing such end-of-the-road perspectives to people who have tried everything are near the end of the road with SPing, and expressing them often and seemingly indiscriminately, including to relative newbies.

Can you not see that?

I won't stop posting in that way, if you don't like it, then report it.

flossy the thread you are referring to was mine I believe and actually in defence of wakey I did actually find it helpful. sometimes it is more helpful to have realistic advice than the well meant but often unrealistic advice like "Ohh once they get used tonight it will be better" etc. For me it was helpful to see that irrespective of what I try to do it may not make any difference.

I often don't agree with wakey but actually she does offer a balance and whilst it may not help everyone it may help someone. it certainly helped me stop feeling like such a failure and waste of space

sorry autocorrect failure on phone! ignore tonight should just say to!

Why would I report you? You are not being rude or offensive

It is not your posting style Wakey it is your insistence that every step parent situation is doomed. That there is never a happy ending or middle ground. It was mentioned up thread that projecting is not helpful and I am sorry but you constantly project your situation on to others.

I know you have had an incredibly difficult time and your situation is horrendous through no fault of your own. However that does not apply to everyone. You will not accept that not everyone is in the same bad place as you.

Where you constantly agree with Wakey. You are like a double act.

wheresthelight Wed 10-Sep-14 20:52:06
nicki and latte I am not sure why you are being nasty?!

calamity says she appreciates the sm's input amd backing her up, why is it so awful that I think that is nice of her and wished more mum's could see us as an ally instead of am enemy?

LatteLoverLovesLattes Wed 10-Sep-14 20:12:27
calamity that is lovely! if only more mum's saw it that way!!

See, comments like that just get people's backs up, it's unnecessary

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Nasty? Really? You have an odd definition of nasty.

Calamity's post was lovely and it is a shame more Mum's don't feel that way, but you saying 'I wish more mums could see us as an ally' is putting the blame on the Mum for not feeling that way when quite possibly they have no reason to. 'Not seeing it that way' rather implies that all SP's are perfect but the Mums just treats them like crap anyway. It is unfairly blaming the mum for not 'seeing it'. The same way as it would be unfair of a Mum to post 'I wish all SM's could see it that way'.

I am gong to leave this thread but I will say this.

Yesterday this was a positive thread where posters were in agreement about the boards (apart from 2 posts) and today it is a different story. The difference??? Wakey wasn't on the thread yesterday.

I am fed up with it now it's like you want to stir up trouble.

to say, I've had some fantastic advice from this board. But yes, it can get a bit shirty here. The thing is, as with anywhere, from my personal experience, the step parent (mostly the female in the role) always hahas a hard time. If they don't treat the DSC as equals then you're cold and heartless. But then if you do - you're overbearing and trying to take over the parents role.

I don't get some of the horrid comments on here (the board). If you don't have anything constructive to say good or bad then don't say it. People post on here as they have nowhere else to vent and maybe others have had a similar experience and can help. When someone is reaching out it doesn't help to be ripped to shreds.

I have no problem with Wakey's comments. She's simply posting from her own perspective with dealing with the court system and outcomes from her own personal experience. We've been down the court route too and where as I can relate to some of what Wakey's experienced, our outcome was slightly different.

No two step families are the same. As is no 2.4 family either. People should respect what others post and offer support. If you can't and want to rip to shreds then simply just back away. Individual personal attacks are not what this board is for.

WakeyCakey45 Thu 11-Sep-14 08:01:38
(Quoting my post) I don't think you can dismiss the 'Were you the OW?' question out of hand. Surely people must realise that if that is how their relationship started then the relationship between the SM & the ExW (and often the children) is far more likely to be strained and that it will affect how people answer a post. It's not really a point you can choose to ignore

(reply)Given that the whole of the Children's Act and Family Law System operates completely contrary to that, I think embedding a "get out of jail free card" ethos on MN is very, very misguided

Where did I say anything about a Get Out Of Jail Free Card? You do read things that aren't there.

There is no need for any relationship, strained or otherwise, between SM and exW - regardless of whether the SM has been awarded OW status

That is YOUR opinion, others do not agree.

The DCs have no reason to know why their parents relationship broke down

Once again, your opinion. Every situation is different

The frequency with which advice on MN contradicts the professional advice with regard to this issue is, frankly, alarming. we must tell them the truth, I'm not going to lie, they deserve to know what type of man their father really is

Which so called professional advice is that then? There is plenty of stuff out there to suggest that the best thing to do is to tell them age appropriately the facts - within reason. ie Daddy met x and wanted to be with her, he stopped wanting to be with Mummy but he still loves you. Is totally different to 'The useless wanker was fucking anything in a skirt and deserted you'.

It's no wonder there are so many dysfunctional blended families; the DCs are dealing with information and emotions that they are far to young to process or understand

That may be true, but there's a difference between not telling them anything and telling them in an age appropriate way

You have been through a god awful time, but the constant project that everyone in this situation will have the same outcome is not helpful.

Yesterday this was a positive thread where posters were in agreement about the boards (apart from 2 posts) and today it is a different story. The difference??? Wakey wasn't on the thread yesterday.

I am fed up with it now it's like you want to stir up trouble.

If you have issue with my posts, report me as a GF.

It's true Wakey this thread was very positive and may in the end have gone some way to reaching understanding between posters that are pretty polarised right now. Then up you pop like a jack in the box with your relentless pessimism and insistence on your right to express it and the thread once again turns into a pointless bun fight. Great stuff, well done.

nicki isn't that rather contradictory?

Aren't you saying, well as long as some posters don't express an opinion, then we all get along?

I don't actually think you are a GF though, you are just completely entrenched in your views because that is YOUR situation and you do not have flexibility of mind to see that not all situations need to have such relentless negativity applied to them.

It's pointless because you simply can't see it. At no point in any of your posts do you acknowledge that your experience is not universal, just insist on your right to apply it.

Hopeless and sad for those who are already struggling and need a few words to help them buck up a bit.

latte - that wasn't how I intended it to be taken so I apologise if that is how you have read it. as I have posted many times I strongly believe that irrespective of the circumstances that resulted in their being a step parent involved in a child's life ALL the adults should be amicable for the sake of the child. from my experience of this board and the odd post that appears in relation to step families om other boards, it is often the mother who is said to be resentful. there is one particular poster who is very vocal about their feeling that dad's new girlfriend/wife and mum's new boyfriend/husband has no right to contact/input on their child's life. I find that so very sad. surely the more adults who love and care about a child and their happiness the better?

dss has had some major anxiety around moving up to secondary school. he has bottled it and refused to speak to his mum and step dad or his dad but instead sat cuddling me last night sobbing his heart out about it. knowing his mum she will flip her lid but surely she should be grateful that he opened up to someone and that now as a family, however extended, we should all be working towards reassuring him and making sure that he learns to deal with the anxiety and move forward?

Different perspectives can be hugely valuable. But the most constructive way to share them might be to acknowledge they're personal?

"X happened to us" is just as helpful as, but less prescriptive and potentially self-fulfilling than, "X will happen to you."

I wish people would do this more all across MN (Relationships board, I'm watching you); it's not especially a Stepparent thing.

No that's what YOU'RE saying. Once again applying as much as much negativity as possible.

It's is quite clear that opposing views were being expressed (have you read the thread at all?) yet we were still managing to maintain a give and take discussion. That is not happening now after your arrival.

It's true Wakey this thread was very positive and may in the end have gone some way to reaching understanding between posters that are pretty polarised right now

Well all that lovely positive stuff from yesterday still stands.

YY Pausing

Oh, x-posted with what looks like a spat above.

I wasn't commenting on individuals.

No, I know you weren't.

It is a good point though, worth remembering across MN.

At no point in any of your posts do you acknowledge that your experience is not universal, just insist on your right to apply it.

Do you read all my posts?

Have you read my post about implacable hostility?