I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

Me me me me me me me me. So those children were raised with an unstable, self harming mother who had a complete breakdown 2 years ago? Nice.

Oh the milk of human kindness is strong in this one.

You are 50 years old and your posts sound like they were written by a stroppy teenager.

Shameful.

We have a concept in the police called "Betari's Box" - my attitude affects your attitude which affects my behaviour which affects your behaviour. It's to do with how you interact with others. If you are angry and resentful with someone it's almost impossible to be nice to them. Maybe if you tried to be a bit kinder and cheerful with your young adults, engaged a bit more, you might get better behaviour. Maybe you wouldn't but at least then you would have tried

^This.

Read it and read it again OP as this is the best advice for you. You have a deplorable attitude with strangers on the internet I can only imagine what you are like to live with!

You only seem to 'like' the posters who agree with you and everyone else gets called names or blamed for making you miserable.

No doubt you will start another thread exactly like this one with the same advice given by posters and the same abuse dished out by you.

This is a difficult scenario, I am trying to get my head round the facts. As I understand it from this thread, you met DH, you owned your house, he was bankrupt. He was trying to gain sole custody of his DC, which you knew and approved of. He failed to get custody, but DH remained an involved Dad. When ex wife had breakdown you agreed for them to live with you. However their teenage behaviour and your husband not supporting you means you hate your stepchildren.

You are angry and resentful, want to vent and get defensive at any advice, telling others to f*ck off and back off.

You have made clear that you went into this marriage with open eyes. You knew of the DC but didn't expect to live with them. Unfortunately circumstances have changed and you now need to deal with the consequences.

Having waited until 44 to get married, clearly you were used to a fair degree of autonomy, but now you don't have those freedoms. I can understand you feel frustrated. This makes you angry and resentful.

This is not the DCs fault. It is however the responsibility of you and you DH, as the adults in this scenario, to make the best of your current circumstances

You need to accept some of the generous and kind advice you've been given here ( and I am not being sarcastic, there has been plenty of useful advice other than LTB)

Discuss the situation calmly with your husband, set clear parameters of acceptable behaviour of ALL of you, including you. Consider how difficult this is from DC POV and you DH POV. Learn to deal with your resentment.

If you cannot get over your resentment then sadly you will need to plan your exit strategy. No equity, dog or not, you need to resolve this.

Blimey, some of these posts are rather unkind Tapper is in a difficult place at the moment, and I think its obvious that she came on here to A. vent and B. out of desperation to save her marriage. When your that bloody desperate its not always easy to stay calm and nicey on a thread.

Being a step parent isnt always easy and it seems as though Tapper was thrown somewhat into the deep end with teenagers, those of us with teenagers know exactly how ermm challanging they can be, and those of us with Step teenagers knows it can be a mindfield, much much more difficult when this is your introduction to children.

I have no real advice Tapper you need to have your DH understand how difficult this is, and to positively show that he is also willing to work at it, counselling does sound a good idea, do though try to detach as much as possible, teenagers love spending all day in their pits its what many do, they tend to surface about 23

Good luck x

A better explanation of Betari's Box than I can give :D

here

It's extremely effective - both in your home life (I use it a lot to try when I have got into a downwards spiral of annoyance and resentment) and for us when dealing with angry people

I think your explanation was good career

I am so surprised at the response Tapper is getting. When she first started posting there was a lot of blaming the children for everything, read her posts, she knows now that her DH is to blame for this situation.

She had no real way to know what she was getting into as she doesn't have children. I cant believe for a second that any one of us really knew what it would be like for each and every stage of a child's life.

I know she has responded harshly at times but she is also posting about being suicidal. Tapper has come a long way since she first posted and it is not her that gave these children the upbringing the had. I really hope you find some good real life support to help you through this op.

Oooh, quite liking the Betari's box. Thanks careerist!

People are always shitty on this board and delight when kicking someone who's always down with the PA and faces. Predictable as always.

I have no real advice Tapper other than to say you've tried bloody hard and you're right, they're not kids they are adults with a responsibility to treat other humans with respect. They are a disgrace. Think about what you want to do, and ignore the shite that's been written here trying to make you feel worse. I've sadly found in Britain particularly, teens are 'expected' to act appallingly and are called 'kids' until their late teens. It's embarrassing.

to you x

ThePeoplePleaser

The op called them kids in her OP.

I think most posters have been immensely patient in the face of quite astonishing hostility to any idea that even veers from

Perhaps the op could get mnhq to put 'venting' in the title so posters don't try and advise at all.
I think there has been some sensible advice but it may be that none of the solutions suggested meet the ops needs. In which case a purely venting thread might dial the drama on here down a tad.

they're not kids they are adults with a responsibility to treat other humans with respect.

as is OP.

Brdgrl just read your post where you stated that after uni, the op should definitely be entitled to a say in whether the scs come back home. I couldn't agree more. But would the same apply if the op had her own children of similar ages living with them?

I ask as that is my situation. Dh didn't give me a choice in ss 19 living with us, but as my own two do, it made my position much weaker (despite the fact ss won't acknowledge me- hence reason for my not wanting him). Sorry to hijack.

Why does it matter if he's in his room? He's not out in your face.

I think as far as the kids go, you cannot be pleased.

Tapper you're getting a very hard time from some posters here, you came here extremely frustrated and to let off steam and unfortunately some people seem intent on being deliberately unhelpful towards you.

I truly hope that your DH realises how dreadful this situation is for you and how he is going to struggle if / when he's left with two difficult children (albeit adult ones) alone.

You have done all you can it seems to make the situation works, I'd explain it one last time to him (leaving out personal attacks on his DC, which are, more than likely, as a result of your frustrations at the situation that your DH has created) and try to get him to commit to counselling as a couple.

There are so many threads here that show that, in many (most?) cases, the role of stepmother is really not a desirable one, but the role of wife to your DH once was, try to get that version of your DH back and deal with and bury the resentment you (probably both of you) now feel and try to be a unit together again....

I wish you all the very best of luck and am sneding you a virtual hug.

Add message | Report | Message poster DiaDuit Thu 31-Jul-14 14:29:53
I would imagin she has hated his children from the off hence her accpecting him abandong them when they were smaller

Personally I would never be with somone who would knowgly abandon their children I would think their a fuck wit

You reep what you sew

My step mum was the same hated us with a passion so much so when I was in my late teens when my brith mother had a brake down I had to live in a homeless shelter for teens

Why was that when I had a father

Your children are your children weather 2 or 19 if they need somone to live then they need some were to live and by the sounds of things the husband owes them

Thefishwife he didnt abandon them at all, read the thread.

Fishwife I'd find your posts easier to understand if you used punctuation.

umm, thefishewife you have attributed a post to my name that I did not make.

I'm still struggling to understand what exactly his children have done to upset you so much OP to be honest

Add message | Report | Message poster DiaDuit Thu 31-Jul-14 16:03:43
umm, thefishewife you have attributed a post to my name that I did not make.

^ what she said.

Afraid I am with Maryz. Bet it's a barrel of laugh in their gaff. There is no way I would put my children through that not when they have been through so much.....