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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I hate my step kids!

999 replies

Tappergirl · 30/07/2014 23:07

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

OP posts:
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FlossyMoo · 31/07/2014 16:16

I'm still struggling to understand what exactly his children have done to upset you so much OP to be honest

The OP (on her other thread) got irked because while getting laundry -snooping-- in her SDD's room she saw a list she had made sighting various things such as do uni letters etc. and make dad feel special. This comment for some reason riled the OP and she saw I as a personnel attack.

The OP hates her SDC's as they have ruined her perfect life with their presence. She has never said one nice thing about them.
I feel very very sorry for them. It must be horrid to have to live with someone who hates you and doesn't hide it.

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 16:23

Jesus. The poor DCs.

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 16:23

Thanks for that btw flossy

FlossyMoo · 31/07/2014 16:25

I just think the OP should read her own threads and take some responsibility for the unhappiness in the home instead of just blaming the kids or the DH.

WakeyCakey45 · 31/07/2014 16:36

flossy that's a really good example of the kind of behaviour displayed by the DCs that may well be a consequence of the ongoing battle between parents and disruption the OPs DCs have experienced in their lives.

While it may not be a direct attack on the OP, writing "make dad feel special" on a to-do list alongside "packing for holidays" is not the action of an emotionally well balanced 19 year old. A to-do list would, quite naturally, include reference to the action required "book dads theatre ticket", "buy dad flowers". The sentiment of "making dad feel special" is not a task. It is a natural and expected emotion, but the way in which is expressed is anything but.

That comment, listed alongside daily tasks, is an indication of the adult DCs state of mind. And it may go some way to explain why the OP is finding living with them difficult. If (as is to be expected based on their experience) the DCs are emotionally traumatised/damaged by their childhood experiences, then they will be more difficult to live with than the average teen.

Original poster
Tappergirl · 31/07/2014 16:40

jilldeibel.hubpages.com/hub/Why-Nice-Women-Dont-Like-Step-Kids

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 31/07/2014 16:42

Maybe the SDD felt that she had treated her dad badly in the past and needed to make up for it. When I was a teenager I would right endless lists on how I wanted to change my life/be better at stuff. Saying she wanted to make ad feel special to me is a realisation that she needed to do something not a personnel attach her step mother. If I had read such a list from either one of my SS's I would have thought it was nice but then again I don't hate my step kids.

CheerfulYank · 31/07/2014 16:46

What the hell is wrong with writing "make dad feel special"? I think it's sweet if she's noticed he's unhappy.

Of course they stay in their rooms! They live with someone who hates them!

Op you say you want advice but it seems as though you only want advice from people who will say what you want them to. Good luck.

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 16:49

Tapper whilst I can imagine it sort of feels like your home has been invaded and that you don't have any privacy, they really aren't doing anything wrong. They're just being teens. That's what teens do. They're a bit lazy sometimes, they like watching TV, they like playing on games. What would you like them to do, run marathons?

You're extremely lucky that they haven't gone off the rails, doing drugs, striking out.. you only have to read some of the stories on this forum to realise that you haven't got it half as bad.

TarkaTheOtter · 31/07/2014 16:49

You need to stop reading stuff like that on the internet OP. It's validating some pretty shitty feelings towards children/young adults who are in a situation not of their choosing. Glad your dh is sticking up for them and not packing them off as you clearly wish he would.

WakeyCakey45 · 31/07/2014 16:54

What the hell is wrong with writing "make dad feel special"? I think it's sweet if she's noticed he's unhappy.

It was listed alongside "pack suitcases for holiday".

There's Nothing wrong with the sentiment - but it's not a task to be ticked off a to-do list.

A six year old would do something 'sweet' like that - when a 19 year old does, it raises questions about her emotional maturity.

Pagwatch · 31/07/2014 17:01

It really does read like a battleground.
The trouble is it is impossible to see a situation where anyone gets what they want, and at what price.

I'm 50. I could not watch more years go by living with such anger and resentment. Life is too short.

DiaDuit · 31/07/2014 17:03

what a depressing and damaging article you linked to there OP. not to mention, mostly bollocks!

why did you link that here? to give us insight into how you think? you share this woman's thoughts? agree with them?

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 17:05

A six year old would do something 'sweet' like that - when a 19 year old does, it raises questions about her emotional maturity

Which is a bad thing because..?

It's certainly not something to get angry about, and a LOT of people need to make lists to gather their thoughts.

emotionsecho · 31/07/2014 17:08

WakeyCakey45 I disagree that that note means the 19 year old is 'emotionally immature' but even if in your opinion she is, just looking at the snapshot we've been given of the dscs lives is it any wonder?

Frankly, if that is the worst that can be said of the 19 year old that is something because bearing in mind what has gone on in their lives and is still going on the 19 year old could be displaying far more challenging behaviour.

OP - that American article and the subsequent comments are a load of self indulgent rubbish and if you are using that to validate the way you are behaving then I am unsurprised by the problems you are facing.

Maryz · 31/07/2014 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DiaDuit · 31/07/2014 17:09

A six year old would do something 'sweet' like that - when a 19 year old does, it raises questions about her emotional maturity.

so that makes her wrong to write it? because she mightn't have developed emotionally at the same rate as her peers? (understandable given her upbringing and current situation) just because it isn't what she would be expected to write does not make her wrong for writing it and having that on her to do list. I am a list maker. one of my lists could read "get bread, call nana, find out about uni courses, declutter house, save money, put the bin down" my thought process isn't ordered. it's more like a brain dump onto a piece of paper that once written becomes prioritised properly in my head.

WakeyCakey45 · 31/07/2014 17:15

morphine because if the OPs SD is emotionally immature, then that will create unique problems in the household. This is a young woman who is preparing to leave home in a matter of weeks to to to Uni.
If her emotional attachment to her Dad is more akin to that of a younger child, then much of what the OP is experiencing will be atypical to those of us with teenagers of a similar age.

Given what the OP has described of their life, I would be more surprised if these teens were well balanced and stable. They will have insecurities and issues which will make them harder to live with than an average teen. If that is the case, then the OPs DH is failing them by brushing the problems under the carpet and not seeking suitable support. These damaged young adults may well go on to form dysfunctional adult relationships - it's their dads job to help them now, not expect the OP to ignore it.

And yes, I make lists and jot my thoughts down to make sense of them - I don't pin them up on the wall and prioritise them alongside day to day tasks.

DiaDuit · 31/07/2014 17:20

given that none of the (fully grown) adults in their lives are emotionally mature or well balanced then it should be no surprise at all that this 19 year old is displaying maturity levels of those younger than her.

if the OPs SD is emotionally immature, then that will create unique problems in the household.

no more unique than the problems OP's and her DH's immaturity will create.

I make lists and jot my thoughts down to make sense of them - I don't pin them up on the wall and prioritise them alongside day to day tasks.

well I do. it isn't in any way odd.

TheWordFactory · 31/07/2014 17:23

Those poor poor kids.

I really feel for them.

Their parents had an acrimonious divorce and custody battle. They were then forced to live with a mother with self harming issues. Their mother then had a breakdown and their Dad hardly nsapped them up, did he? Apparently social workers were involved and foster families discussed.

They cannot possibly have come out of this little lot unscathed...

Then when they settle with their Dad, their step mother it transpires hates them. Hates them.

I'm sure they know this Sad.

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 17:25

I really don't get where all this 'damaged' stuff is coming from to be honest. They've not shown any behaviours that equal them being damaged, rebellious or in any-way any different to usual teens.

There may be some attachment issues to her father, but there's no evidence to suggest it's damaging.

OneStepCloser · 31/07/2014 17:26

I'm 50. I could not watch more years go by living with such anger and resentment. Life is too short.

Spot on Pagwatch I want to shout this at the screen so many times.

TheWordFactory · 31/07/2014 17:27

I think it's highly unlikely they would come through their childhood unscathed morphine.

But I agree their behaviours don't sound out of the ordinary ^checks watch and notices just how many hours DS has been in his room^

WakeyCakey45 · 31/07/2014 17:27

dia I'm not attributing blame - merely highlighting that those posts which say that the DCs are "typical teens" may well be very wide of the mark - these are damaged DCs, and that creates unique challenges for the OPs household.

Actually, I do think responsibility lies firmly with the OPs DH here; and by absolving himself of that, he has created a situation that makes everyone miserable.
Rescuing his DCs from their mentally ill mother is not admirable on its own - supporting them once they are safe and secure is the challenging part. He has let them down.

MorphineDreams · 31/07/2014 17:28

Oh I know TheWord but I don't think they're in danger of becoming psychologically unstable and I don't know how people can suggest that on the basis of: writing a list, watching TV, and spending a lot of time in ones room.