I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

Right. Forget what has happened in the past. Lets deal with now. You said you asked what his son was doing and he was defensive. You said that on this thread. Why does it matter what his son is doing?

Actuay forget my last post.

OP do you genuinely want real advice from your threads? It is absoloutely fine to use MN to vent (but make that clear) so people will happily give you your space to do it if you say that's all you want. However, you say you want advice but dismiss it all. Is advice really what you are after? Be honest and then we will all know where we stand.

That is why when you meet someone you make sure the relationship is strong with children not just the partner before your move in or get married I agree your oh is spineless because if my oh hated my son he would be out on his eat he wouldn't have to leave

What kind of man would have people around his kids who hate them

First thing I told my oh when we meet my son deserves to be raised in a house full of love if you can't manage this we can't go any further and any wiff of anything I will always choose him

Oh and op you will likely find children are usually best behaved for people who hate them you may feel your not showing it but

In general most people aren't silly and can tell when people don't like them children are actually very good AT this

Do you know what Dia? The only people off the top of my head who have anything constructive to say are brdgrl, Catsmother, Lunar, Petal, and Wakey I thank them for being constructive and understanding, not not defensive like you blatantly are. Thanks for your empty comments.

To be fair OP, my 15 year old ds has spent most of the last three days in his room, alone playing games.

We have already been away together as a family this summer and he does have a part time job but as he has a few days off, with nothing in particular to do, I don't see any problem with him having this 'down time'.

They are on school holidays, away from the constant pressure of study, homework, lessons and general life. They need time to just do nothing and recharge.

Yes, the sun has been shining and he's missing the gorgeous days when he could be out with friends or doing something constructive. But it's his choice to stay in a relax on his own. That's ok. How many times in your life do you get to do that?

When he comes down for food he is pleasant and if I ask him to pop to the shops for me, or clean up the kitchen he will do it without a fuss. Then he disappears again until he's hungry enough to venture out of his cave again

All normal behaviour.

But Tapper, you ignored my question. I'm sure your DH is a "lovely person", but does he know you are unhappy? Is he willing to invest time to rebuild your relationship?

Wakey, he is on a regular cycle of treating me like shit, blaming me for everything, then trying to butter me up, holding hands on the sofa, trying to cuddle upto me in bed, talking nicely, doing the shopping, cooking, going out of his way so to speak....then its back to square one. It drives me insane, there is no stability, and when he decides I am in his bad books for me having said something he does not want to hear, he goes off and sulks, and the kids think I am evil as I have upset him.

Yes I want to disappear, but it is not as easy as people say. Finances are not great, we have no equity, and we have 2 dogs that I love and do no want to leave behind. One person on here said you can rent and take dogs, not around here you cant. I have checked, and it is probably 1 in 20 properties.

Hi tapper I've always sympathised with you on these threads. And I understand you must be feeling hellish but you are coming across as very hostile at times.

The good thing about MN is that there is a massive wealth of knowledge and advice from people that have 'walked the walk' so to speak.

You do post a lot about how unhappy you are. This is not a new thing. You are posting that you don't even feel like you like him and you do post that you hate his kids.

That's why posters are saying leave. There not telling you just to quit after on one post. You continually post about the same thing.

Obviously you have tried working on it. Obviously what your doing is not working as you still keep posting.

You don't want to split from your dh (even though you say you don't even like him ) you just want his kids to disappear. Which frankly won't ever happen. Ever. Your dh wants and needs them around.

On one of your other posts , you complained about your dsd writing something about trying to cheer up her dad (something. Along the lines) there is clearly a divide in the house. You and them. And 'them' will be a lot more tight than just you on your own.

If your this openly hostile to them as you are to posters on here of course their df will jump to there defence. They are probably just as tired of you as you are with them.

I can see this clearly in your posts so others posters will and that's why your getting this response.

No one is telling you to walk out of a happy marriage. They are telling you leave a very unhappy one.

A single person can not save a marriage, it takes two people commited to make it work .

It sounds like dh feels exactly about you, like you do about him.

I'm not going to comment or support on any more of your threads as i don't actually think you want to try sort things out either way. You just want his kids to vanish. And if they did I wouldn't bet on dh being back to normal, he will prob ally be carrying a lot of resentment at how his children were treated.

Good luck

OP i get that its not pleasant having things pointed out that you'd rather not hear but i do think you have a real brick wall up when it comes to looking at how your behaviour and attitude are affecting not only the dynamic in the house but also your own emotional well being. I get that its a horrible situation and that you never wanted to be in it but you do have choices and there are things YOU can do to change not just the physical situation but also how you feel about it. It isnt all everyone else's fault or responsibility to fix. Least of all anyone on here.

I don't want any obligations after that, they will be adults. Their Dad left them 10.5 years ago. He did not expect to pay maintenance after the age of 19. He would be there for them, but did not predict full time, like we have now.

tapper this comment makes me realise that you are facing a situation that most stepmums don't face.
If you were given assurances by your DH when you met and married that he had "left" his children, and had nothing more than a financial responsibility towards them, then I fully understand why you feel the way you do now.
You didn't sign up for full time parenting.

For most of us, that isn't the case, we "knew" (because our partners told us) that they were fully committed parents who had children who would always be a lesser or greater part of our lives.
Your DH was different, in that he had distanced himself from his children, yet now, you find yourself in a situation most of us would struggle with.

If I come across as hostile then sorry. I feel like crap now. So goodbye, I will never ever pave your paths with hostility again. Leaving here as it is making me feel like shit. Yes you have heard it before. Like others who have left this board, I will go and talk to RL people rather than those who fire heavy duty missiles in my direction.

You arent ever going to get satisfaction until you adress your own attitude OP. you can blame the rest of the world i it suits you but you wont get what you want. His children will still be there, he will still be who he is and you will still be who you are. Only one of those things is within your power to change.

Sorry poster WakeyCakey45

If you were given assurances by your DH when you met and married that he had "left" his children, and had nothing more than a financial responsibility towards them, then I fully understand why you feel the way you do now.

if this is the case then she has got exactly what she put in for a selfish awful man a man who firstly fucks off his children is not likely to be honest or trust worthy

Also saying you didn't put in for parenting I will just say that I the risk you take when you go in the anyone who has children even if they are the worst dad and never see their children

Their mum could die
Mum could get ill the children could simply want to leave
Their could be ss involvement

So getting Involved with someone who had children and then saying oh I didn't bargain of this is the only way to not end up looking after someone else's children is by only seeing people who don't have children even adult children can sunddnley end up back at home

My mates mum is dating a guy his daughters house was flooded she was 25 when they meet is now living with them with her husband and her two children

I think this thread got off to a difficult start because of the emotive title. Hate is a very strong words, especially when applied to children.

Your problem, as you have clearly realised, is not step children, it's how you and your dh communicate. It doesn't have to be about children, it could be anything.

You are not listening to each other and you don't address the actual individual problems as they arise. Instead you complain, he becomes defensive, you get angry, he gets sulky, whatever. Nothing ever gets resolved and the pattern continues, as it always will.

You need to learn how to talk to each other. Then you can start addressing the problems that you have in your relationship. This is normal, all relationships have differences of opinion sometimes and everyone needs to learn how to communicate to resolve these and reach a compromise.

I think you need to let normal teen behaviour roll off your back. If they are messy or ungrateful then

Let me make ONE THING CLEAR!!!!!!

My DH did not LEAVE them in the literal sense of the word. He left his then wife who was driving him insane. (We now know she is not far off herself).

He fought for sole custody 8-9 years ago WITH MY APPROVAL (oh how you must all doubt that!) We lost as they were better off living with a self harming mother who did fuck all around the house. She then "lost it" 2 years ago (we knew it would happen eventually) and SWs got involved.

My DH had 2 choices: either get the minor (then 15 years old) to live with a foster family, or house the 2 of them to give them a better quality of life.

I agreed to have them live with us because I wanted to MAKE HIM HAPPY that his kids were not farmed off to strangers.

IT HAS BEEN THE HARDEST 1.5-2 YEARS OF MY LIFE. SO DO NOT JUDGE ME. Go back and read ALL of the comments I have posted if you are that passionate about my past threads.

I bet not many SMs on here have been through this scenario SO BACK OFF!

Oh and BTW, he was still a very good and caring dad even when he did not live with them. I have no issues with his caring towards them.

OP you said on this very thread that he "felt nothing" for his children when you first met. Now you are saying he was a good and caring dad to them and fought for custody of them. Why did you say he felt nothing for them last night?

It may have been the hardest 1.5 - 2 years of your life OP, but my heart goes out to those poor children

I think the lack of compassion and empathy is what makes it so difficult to understand exactly what is so hard for you. But I haven't read your previous threads and don't intend to.

Maybe your life is harder than it sounds but, just from this thread, it does seem that there is lot your could do personally to make yourself happier. You just don't seem to want to.

tapper I'm sorry!

The way you wrote your post implied that your DH had been open about "leaving" his children and the restrictions he placed on his involvement in their lives. Now you have explained, I see that is not the case.

On one hand you moan if people are looking at the backstory on your posting history and now you're shouting at people because they don't know the whole backstory.

You sound very unhappy, angry and intolerant. Sometimes the only way you can try to feel more positive/happier is to try to force it. You cannot change your SCs or DHs behaviour - you can only change your own. if you don't want to leave your marriage then the only way I can see for things to improve is for you to change the way you relate to your family (because, whether you like it or not, this is what they are). You can't move out, you don't want to give up, you keep saying that there is no way out from the situation.

Taking that at face value the only way then to change things is to start changing yourself. Getting angry, aggressive, angry and resentful is a vicious circle. You have to try to find a way to break out of it, both for yourself and for your family. You need to try and become the catalyst for change.

We have a concept in the police called "Betari's Box" - my attitude affects your attitude which affects my behaviour which affects your behaviour. It's to do with how you interact with others. If you are angry and resentful with someone it's almost impossible to be nice to them. Maybe if you tried to be a bit kinder and cheerful with your young adults, engaged a bit more, you might get better behaviour. Maybe you wouldn't but at least then you would have tried.

"I agreed to have them live with us because I wanted to MAKE HIM HAPPY that his kids were not farmed off to strangers."

Thereby lies the problem. You wanted to make DH happy, which makes you happy. Perhaps you wanted to play the heroine role; I don't know.

You don't appear to have done it with, "Poor kids, they've been through hell, they need stability and love" in mind, that's coming across loud and clear.

Now they're here and one is a grown man you seek to control them. So what if a 19 yo is on the Xbox for 3 days? How does that affect YOU? it's not a crime! Back off, you cannot control EVERY part of this family and you'll tie yourself in knots trying to.

I know you're going to get vexed with this post. I've read how you've told others to fuck off when they disagreed with you. Some of your posts are incredibly aggressive and defensive. I don't care, it's not my circus, you're not my monkeys, it doesn't affect me. I'm just telling you how you come across to see if that gives some clarity.

You have choices. A). Issue an ultimatum. It's your kids or me. Then be prepared to either be left on your own or to spend a lifetime with the kind of man who abandons his kids. If the latter happens, FFS don't have kids of your own with him.

B). Divorce him, sell the house, work out with a solicitor who gets what and move on. Rented properties, if you need to opt for that although it sounds like you won't, SOMETIMES will accept dogs so don't use that as an excuse.

C. Continue in this ever ridiculous circle of living with a man who is willing to remain in the same house as a woman who hates his kids. Continue to live with those kids and prepare for backlashes when you try to control and micromanage what perfectly legal, albeit a little dull way they have of spending sunny days. Be miserable. Go on, fill your boots. It doesn't affect us.

D. Opt for counselling, family meetings and discussions, be willing to admit that you're not always right, stop controlling, quit the insecurity and give it one last shot. If that fails, refer to B.

One thing it's NOT on to do is to keep going through the same revolving door without ever stepping out and then being obnoxious to people who point that out and offer you a few suggestions or some hometruths,

I hope that one way or another you'll resolve this and that everyone in the family is happy, valued and respected.

Tapper, I completely sympathise with your situation and I only have this issue with one 17yo and very PT!! I can't imagine how I'd cope FT like you.

I know you are venting and not looking for advice but after some nasty outbursts from DP's DD I found completely disengaging from her helped (not easy in a FT situation like yours though.) I did nothing for my SD and took myself off to watch TV in my room or went out when she came around. It threw both of them
Into a spin (although DP did say I was being immature I pointed out that it was either this, leave or rip her a new arsehole (verbally of course) about her extremely nasty treatment of me. He backed off then. It gave me a real sense of control.

Keep in mind that they are not your children and you are responsible for nothing. No laundry, no cooking, no moral upbringing. Leave him 100% to it and please yourself. I know finances are tight but can you arrange a couple of get togethers out with friends or family a week?

Adopting this attitude totally saved my mind but these are only suggestions. Getting involved with a father does not mean you envisage becoming a FT SM (although some will say its always a possibility.) if I could afford my own place I would most definitely move out and 'date' DP!! And that's only based on 2 visits PW. God knows I've tried but I'm sick of things constantly being thrown back in my face and his DD always being defended by him no matter what she says or does.