I hate my step kids!

[Tappergirl]

They live with us full time, are parasites, and have ruined my relationship with my husband. Now though, I blame it on him for being spineless and taking every spat as my fault. I dont want to walk away but I can not see another option :-(

Fair enough.

I think the point I'm trying to make is that the majority of SMs are decent folk just trying to do their best in challenging situations. We need a place to let off steam and not feel judged. I think joking is a great way to do that and on that other thread, however awful it seemed it was a place where posters could say what they wanted in a safe environment, get it off their chests and then go back a little more relaxed to RL. Despite how lacking in compassion you think I am I do sympathise with that other poster but she has a number of places to vent her pain, she could even start a new thread here if she wanted to. I'm sure the tone of responses would have been very different. By posting on that bingo thread she took away a bit if light relief for some decent folk. Okay so maybe there was whining but don't we all need a good whine from time to time?

Yes we certainly do but if you look at her posting history, she's pretty new and maybe didn't understand the "rules". I have spoken to her by PM and she was quite upset. I think there's being protective of your safe space and out and out attacking and she was attacked on that thread. No offence but I think the step parenting board is the most hostile place on this forum. I do have a "reason" to be on this board but don't post very often because of the hostility and demands to display my credentials to be here.

I think there's a lot of professional victims on this board tbh but whether that is because they've had a hard time as a step parent or are just that kind of person in all areas of their life is impossible to say, though there are a couple I recognise from across the boards who seem uptight in most of their attitudes.

I think if you keep acting as though you are being attacked constantly and displaying the aggression found on here then people will respond in kind, this thread being a prime example of that.

In fairness, she was fairly provocative herself in some of her statements. Claiming their SM had nothing positive to offer is not going to endear you on a SM board! Like going over to lone parents and saying 'My husbands ex wife is a benefit scrounging work shy single parent' and expecting support. Totally unfair and you might as well throw a grenade in there!

I suspect she wanted to get some pain off her chest that she couldn't do in RL. I thought wakey provided some useful information and food for thought which were dismissed as sweeping statements. I think it just descended into a back and forth argument that derailed the focus of the thread.

I still wish she had started her own thread so she could have got a more effective discussion going that might have been of benefit.

I want the OP to come back. I would like her to find someone she can talk to. To try and rationalise these feelings. To understand that this is normal and that she isn't alone. But the feelings of hate for such normal behaviours is wrong. I'm sure deep down she must know that. I don't want her to feel like her only option is to leave her marriage. That must be awful.

I think if people have an opinion about a totally separate thread then they should say so on that threat, not this one. I don't think there's much to salvage here but we could at least stick to discussing the ops situation.

Agreed, alita. This is the usual shit-stirring by the usual people who refuse to allow others the same safe place to talk that they themselves enjoy. We know what their agenda is, and it isn't disagreement, it is harassment of a particular community.
Let's ignore it.

I agree that threads should be kept separate. Not good form to bring it onto another thread is it? However considering that a previous poster was actually linking to entirely separate threads in an attempt to back up their argument it seems rather seems hypocritical to claim to take issue with it now. Thoroughly nasty thread all round really.

I think if people feel this section is not a safe place perhaps they should raise that through site stuff and maybe go 'opt in' or go off the beaten track?
Apologies if this has been discussed before.

I never turn up to threads to give someone a kicking. I don't have an agenda. I don't see sm as evil or ways to blame - the ones in my family and in my life are great people and great parents.

This thread/this poster seems to me to be endlessly stuck because she takes no responsibility for her situation. The reasons behind that maybe complicated and borne of being a blended family but that seems to mevo be very little to do with her reactions and her aggression.
I have had a bout of suicidal depression and I would not ever goad anyone who I thought was vulnerable. I don't think she sounds depressed, she sounds massively fucked off and lashing out at anyone who disagrees with her.
That may make her feel better but until something breaks that 'fuck you' circle of pointless howling at the wind she, and her step children, are stuck in what sounds like an intolerable situation.

I posted in the same way I would to any poster and I genuinely believe that reinforcing to the op that she is a helpless, blameless victim actually perpetuates the problem. People need support but that does need to include 'come on - only you can make a change if you won't this situation to change. Stop shouting at the world'.
My real friends, those who loved me, we're the one who said 'c'mon pag - enough is enough. Do you still want this in 5 years time. Get up ffs'
I could have justified why I needed to stay indoors hiding until the cows came home.

Fwiw I don't think she will come back and until she sees her role in this she will be stuck in a cycle of increasing dramatic breaking points until something external changes. Perhaps the children will naturally move away.

considering that a previous poster was actually linking to entirely separate threads in an attempt to back up their argument it seems rather seems hypocritical to claim to take issue with it now.

Not really. My linking to other threads was relevant to the actual discussion. I also apologised if it was against the ethos, and requested that MN remove the links. But my links were topical, they were actually not against the rules (I only asked to have them deleted in an effort to be sensitive to another poster's concern, not because they violated any MN rules) and not an attempt to turn this into a "thread about a thread", which is what has been done with the 'stepmum bingo' example.

By the way, your personal dislike of me is really getting in the way of your ability to post sensibly, Nicki. Since we are discussing the issue of other threads, I am sorry you are still angry that I said you should not get a treadmill when you thought it would annoy your neighbours, [hmmm] but could you please try to keep a grip? I don't go out of my way to argue with you on LP threads, perhaps you could show a bit of restraint yourself?

I think if people feel this section is not a safe place perhaps they should raise that through site stuff and maybe go 'opt in' or go off the beaten track?
Pagwatch, that's the point - the step-parenting board is the appropriate section for posts like the OPs, or like any of the literally hundreds of others where this kind of situation develops.

We should not have to go to OTBT to post, when there is a board created specifically for stepparenting posts.

I am not accusing you of anything, Pagwatch. But if you do not believe that there are posters with an agenda, specifically harrassing the stepparenting board, I plead with you - go read through the threads across this board. Look at LP and see if the regular stepmum posters are popping up over there to harrass, insult, and shit-stir. You will not see it there. You will see it on stepparenting.

Honestly, I am stunned by the suggestion that stepmums should have to leave the stepparenting board in order to post safely.

One of the things that really sticks out to me on this thread, though, is that the step-parenting seems to be very much a side issue.

It's not really about the step children, they haven't actually done anything that bad as far as I can tell. They have behaved like teenagers do sometimes and crossed some lines.

The real problem is that OP's dh has allowed the lines to be crossed, he hasn't agreed ground rules with OP and the children, he hasn't enforced boundaries when they've been breached which has led to a breakdown of the whole family dynamic.

OP herself has said that she knows this is not about the children, it is about her dissatisfaction with the way her dh deals with problems in their relationship.

Initially she did blame the children but more recently she has come to realise that they are not the problem. OP could just as easily have the same problems in a relationship where her and her dh had children of their own - mum insisting on one rule, dad not backing her up and letting children get away with it. The only difference is that she would be less likely to hate her own children because the bond would have built up naturally between them. She still may have called them parasites though, and not particularly liked their behaviour sometimes.

Anyway, I digress, but my point is that the step children are a bit of a red herring. The problem is the communication between OP and her dh and this is something that can only be resolved if both of them want to work on changing their own behaviour towards each other. That includes OP herself, taking a step back and examining herself from a neutral perspective - body language, tone of voice, choice of words, etc.

If OP wants to be happy, she will have to make the first move, offer the olive branch and make those personal changes before she can expect anyone else to change because all they are doing now is reacting to her.

However I'm not sure she is willing to do that. The only affection OP has shown on this thread is towards her dogs. They seem to be the only thing keeping her in this relationship at the moment.

"This is the usual shit stirring by the usual posters". Who do you mean? Because I think it's YOU that's showing your personal dislike actually.

Please stop telling me how and where to post brdgrl. Clearly it's a pointless exercise. I will continue to post as I wish, where I wish. Report if you have an issue, as you usually do and I will not be deleted as I am usually not when you report me. Your lengthy tirades are just tedious and to be quite honest I just skim them. However blatant hypocrisy is difficult not to address.

Well that's not actually what I mean but I'm getting the feeling any comment I make is not going to be seen as helpful or neutral.

I am just suggesting the thing that works extremely well for me, and other, on the SN section.
I don't feel hounded off as the mother of a child with SN. Should i ?
Opting in just means our threads don't appear in active conversations. We asked for that because passing posters would click on the thread and laugh or rant about a child needing a buggy at 6 without noticing the child had issues.
Of course it may not feel like an idea that suits posters here but interpreting the simple suggestion of it as being asked to leave is a bit silly.

I haven't said I don't believe there are posters with an agenda. I don't notice posters or postings on this board in any detail - I'm probably not here enough and my memory is shit. I was speaking only for me. I think I only posted because reading this thread this morning it was starting to read a bit as if every poster who s not a step mother was only here to goad and wouldn't be happy until they saw Trappers suicide note.
I found that difficult to leave alone as if it was true.

One of the things that really sticks out to me on this thread, though, is that the step-parenting seems to be very much a side issue.

It's not really about the step children, they haven't actually done anything that bad as far as I can tell. They have behaved like teenagers do sometimes and crossed some lines.

The real problem is that OP's dh has allowed the lines to be crossed, he hasn't agreed ground rules with OP and the children, he hasn't enforced boundaries when they've been breached which has led to a breakdown of the whole family dynamic.

YY! That's exactly why I suggested that the OP tries posting in Relationships too.

If you're not with us you're against us is the ethos on this board. It's disgraceful really because there are people who would like to be able to discuss "step" issues but cannot because there's only one way and that way is strenuously and aggressively enforced. I would like to be able to post here and that's why I lurk but because I have disagreed on a couple of threads (no more than three!) I have been accused of attacking step mothers, of being a long standing troll, told to get off the this board, told to "piss off" etc, I don't feel able to now. I avoid this board (which rather goes against my supposed position as long standing step mother attacking troll) and as soon as I do post I am told to be off again.

I imagine it CAN be a supportive space but it seems to me you are only allowed to access it if you think a certain way about your step children and don't ever disagree with the well known posters.

Yes Maryz - the 'support only' flag is a good idea.
I thought the moving of a sensitive thread to otbt might help. It's when a thread is already difficult and then sits in active convos that things can get really challenging. Those already on the thread can continue without new people being sucked in, especially those who only read the OP.

Nicki try not to take it personally. Hey, I've already been told to fuck off on this thread and I'm still here aren't I? No-one has the right to police threads, apart from HQ so if posters have a problem with your opinion they can

a) say so,
b) become aggressive and insulting,
c) report your posts,
or d) ignore you.

Or they can do a mixture of all four.

As long as you are polite and impersonal, you can post what you like. Your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's.

Are people really that naive to believe that the disdain directed towards the OP and her use of language, the link to that disgraceful article and her abusive, hostile reaction to everyone who doesn't agree with her is all due to them having a hidden agenda to bash Stepmothers?

I don't think most of you do.

I don't think most of you are that stupid to be frank.

I think that posters who are crying "Waaah, you're Stepmother bashing, you just don't understand!" know full well that this isn't the case but are claiming some form of discrimination as a way of defending the bloody awful behaviour of this particular stepmother.

OP. Leave. Issue divorce papers, see a solicitor about the property and finances and leave. This man's children have been so for 19 or so years and will remain so for eternity. You cannot change that and are wrecking everyone's lives by trying. Cut your losses and give everyone the freedom they deserve.

Well that's not actually what I mean but I'm getting the feeling any comment I make is not going to be seen as helpful or neutral.
Not true, Pagwatch, I'd like to have the discussion.

I am just suggesting the thing that works extremely well for me, and other, on the SN section.I don't feel hounded off as the mother of a child with SN. Should i ?
If there were people regularly - REGULARLY - posting on the SN section, in response to the OPs there, to say things like "well, you should have thought about that before you decided to have kids; why don't you quit whining about how hard it is now?" or "you don't sound like you like your kid very much, why don't you just accept him as he is instead of asking for advice about any issue that comes up?" or "oh, someone in the supermarket was nasty about your kid? Well, you probably deserved it." - then, THEN maybe you would understand.

And if those people were never posting their own threads asking for advcie with their children with SN, or indeed having any constructive contribution, you might begin to feel that something quite nasty indeed was going on. When that was fueled by remarks like "well, I knew a kid with SN once and he smelled bad/was ugly/hurt my dog", you might just roll your eyes. But when these type of posts began to accumulate, you'd begin to sense that you were in a hostile environment.

It isn't one thread here or there - it is regular and it has driven many many people off MN altogether, people who really need support.
Its not like "oh, this is a particularly sensitive post about my situation, I'll use OTBT" - its more like "I'll post this (even fairly bog standard) question about how to fairly divide finances between the kids; the other stepmums will have maybe had to deal with something similar" - and next thing you know, its a hostile environment.

I haven't said I don't believe there are posters with an agenda. I don't notice posters or postings on this board in any detail - I'm probably not here enough and my memory is shit.
And that is why I would (very respectfully, really!) suggest that you don't know the situation well enough to understand what is happening on teh board. That is why I have asked you, if you want to understand it and I hope that you do since you are partaking in the discussion about it, to please get a fuller picture.

I was speaking only for me. I think I only posted because reading this thread this morning it was starting to read a bit as if every poster who s not a step mother was only here to goad and wouldn't be happy until they saw Trappers suicide note.

Not every poster, no. But when someone has spoken of despair and suicide, and a number of other posters who know the OP's situation have asked people to please desist from the mean jibes - not the disagreement and the advice, but the really unpleasant remarks about her character rather than her situation - it is irresponsible and deeply, deeply wrong for people to carry on. MN should have closed this thread down - not deleted posts, but closed the thread - over concerns for the OP's well-being and it was irresponsible of them not to do so. I too hope OP comes back, because I for one am not at all sure that she is OK. What do people have to gain by hitting an easy target? Honestly.

I would also like to make the point that posters on this thread may not be stepparents, but in some cases have been (and still are!) step children. That gives them as 'valid' an opinion as any of the step parents, in my view, and certainly a different perspective that some might find helpful.

Brdgrl, I think that your complaint is largely at LPs coming on this board to goad SPs. I don't know how many on this thread are indeed LPs, but many of the names I recognise are not.

Disagreeing with one or more of the SMs on this thread is not the same as having an agenda against all SPs.

Maybe making the entire board 'opt in' would be a good idea, given what it has become.
I also would like to see a 'support only' flag for posts - but I question whether it would be observed.

MNHQ, are you here? Can we have these things? Opt-in as default and a "support only" flag for threads, with some enforcement if people ignore that request?

Really, could we?

Brdgrl - with all due respect:

If there were people regularly - REGULARLY - posting on the SN section, in response to the OPs there, to say things like "well, you should have thought about that before you decided to have kids; why don't you quit whining about how hard it is now?" or "you don't sound like you like your kid very much, why don't you just accept him as he is instead of asking for advice about any issue that comes up?" or "oh, someone in the supermarket was nasty about your kid? Well, you probably deserved it." - then, THEN maybe you would understand.

That's exactly what was happening on the SN boards.

Your post to Pag was patronising in the extreme.