I am in the worst situation EVER!!!

[ShitYouNot]

I am in the worst situation I have EVER been in, in my life.

Dd 1 is 11 and dd (with current partner) is 5. I am Dad and dd1 stays every other weekend.

Dp parents are both 60 this year, and celebrating a special wedding anniversary. Dp and her family are extremely close and they have been fantastic with me and dd 1. Even though my own family have been awful to dp and dd 2 over the years. (Things r better now, ps dp was not the other woman before you ask) my family were just very unfair and for no reason. Dd1 has always, and will always be the favourite no question about it.

Yesterday dp's parents announced that they have booked and paid for a holiday for dp, dd 2 and I to celebrate their special year. Not just anywhere, but to disney world for this year!!! We have really struggled the last few years financially and haven't had a holiday at all, and I am overwhelmed that they have done this for us - dd 2 would love it. They are so excited.

Dd 1 has been to Disney world 4 times but I have never been. How the hell can I go to Disney without dd 1 too? I haven't even got the money to add her to the holiday.

We have discussed this with dps parents and they felt awful about the situation but they havent got the money to pay for dd1 either, but really wanted to share this experience with their daughter, granddaughter and myself before they get too old and knowing we will probably never be able to afford to take dd2.They are by no means flush, and I do appreciate their generosity, it must have taken them ages to save. But I am now in the most shitty position ever!

If I go, I would feel awful on dd1, if I don't go I will feel awful on dd2 and would feel ungrateful to dps parents.

I am in catch 22 and cannot sleep or think about anything else!! What the hell.

Do I not go and deprive dd2 the holiday of a lifetime (dp would not want to go without me but has been great in sharing my - to put it lightly, unease about this situation) and maybe never have the opportunity again, knowing that my dd 1 will go with my parents next year? Or do I go and upset and hurt dd 1 when the problem for me is not about who has been but rather the fact that I would have only had this wonderful experience with 1 of my dd's!!! I can't cope.

How the hell do I deal with this?!?!

no-one can afford to take dd1 on this trip.

dd2 has not been on 4 other trips to disney world.

i would tell your dd1 that there is an opportunity for dd2 to get her turn at disney world. you're sorry you can't all go together, but you're planning a camping trip for you all to enjoy.

i don't think your dd1 should miss out.

i do think it's extremely shit that there isn't enough money to go round to treat everyone. and i do think your dparents sound toxic.

can't you postpone it for a year and save so that you can all go?

Just go!!!!!!

"can't you postpone it for a year and save so that you can all go?"

No, and why should they? Anyway, it's their 60th birthdays and a special wedding anniversary this year.

OP, if you do decide to go (as I think you jolly well should) then please don't tiptoe around your dd1 apologising and appeasing her about it. The best, healthiest way to deal with the situation is to be matter-of-fact about it, pointing out that she has been lucky enough to go 4 times and will probably go next year too, and that dd2 now has the opportunity to go with her grandparents. End of story. Don't buy into the "but it's not fay-err" routine.

Of course you should go! Otherwise u will reinforce this already real from the sounds of it idea that the world revolves around dd1. Make some happy memories with your other daughter it won't kill u

Who are these people who book holidays costing thousands of pounds with out checking that it's ok with the people they are taking with them? What if you already had something pencilled in? I would be too afraid of wasting my cash to ever do this to anybody outside my immediate family

Cannot believe you even have to wring your hands over this one. It is a complete no-brainer, once you remove your Mickey Mouse ears (are you sure you haven't been to Disneyworld?).
DD1 is favoured, gets treats on a regular basis, and has had four trips to Disney.
DD2 goes without, over and over again.
DD2 now has an opportunity to have a lovely holiday of her own, with her mum and dad and grandparents, and you are actually considering not going and spoiling it for her.
Grow up and be a better dad to your DD2. I'm sorry, but it's awful that you even have to think twice about this.

...and yes, like clam says - no apologies, no defensiveness about this - just matter-of-fact. This is only as much of an issue as you choose to make it. DD2's maternal grandparents want to give her a holiday experience, just like DD1's grandparents have given her.

You have totally bought into the marketing. It's not the second coming of Christ, it's a man dressed up as a mouse

^

I'd not blink an eye over taking dd2 and not dd1.

I am both a step child and my dd is a step child.

This year we are taking 2 holidays during the school summer holidays, 1 dd1 is not coming on as she will be at her fathers and also will be going on holiday with him during the half term in October. She is 13 and understands this completely.

Your Dd1 is taken away by her grandparents and your Dd1 is not always invited (and I think when she is it is a gesture that they know you will not take up) and I think at 11 your Dd1 should see that and understand that they are receiving the same treatment, be it fair or unfair in some peoples eyes.

The second coming of Christ made me laugh too. I have taken dd to Disneyworld (without dsd!!) and it was an experience that I would rather never repeat as long as I live. Hellish place. She, of course, loved it.

Dsd has actually been to the one in France twice too and dd never even questioned it. They have two families so of course they will each have different experiences.

Go on the holiday.
Completely appreciate how you feel about dd1, but as you've already said, she's been 4 times. We're you invited along any of those times? Did she or whoever was taking her have a heart wrenching decision about not taking you? If you don't go, it will be your DP and dd2 who are deprived of a lovely holiday.
I don't think it odd or horrible at all that your ils haven't paid for dd1. My DP and his DS have been away alone with his mother, I wouldn't expect myself and my DCs to be invited along.
Do your dds have a good relationship? Dd1 is 11, old enough to have a chat with and explain that she has been lots of times and maybe she could sit down with dd2 and tell her what will be the best things to do? Try to see it as a trip to a theme park rather than a holiday of a lifetime? And she could ask for a special present which you will bring back for her, and then you she could have a special night/day out together?
The fact is that in blended families, it becomes impossible to treat all children the same as they become part of other families which you are not.

Do not feel guilty, although easier said than done I know! I feel bad enough taking my dd out for a fun day while DS is at school, ha, but every child has their times and not necessarily all together, in the same place, or with the same people.

Good luck x

We didn't take our DCs to Disneyland (though we could have afforded it) as we are grumpy buggars who can't stand the tosh and commercialism, we won't be taking DGC either.

There are more important things in DCs' lives than Disneyworld.