I am in the worst situation EVER!!!

[ShitYouNot]

I am in the worst situation I have EVER been in, in my life.

Dd 1 is 11 and dd (with current partner) is 5. I am Dad and dd1 stays every other weekend.

Dp parents are both 60 this year, and celebrating a special wedding anniversary. Dp and her family are extremely close and they have been fantastic with me and dd 1. Even though my own family have been awful to dp and dd 2 over the years. (Things r better now, ps dp was not the other woman before you ask) my family were just very unfair and for no reason. Dd1 has always, and will always be the favourite no question about it.

Yesterday dp's parents announced that they have booked and paid for a holiday for dp, dd 2 and I to celebrate their special year. Not just anywhere, but to disney world for this year!!! We have really struggled the last few years financially and haven't had a holiday at all, and I am overwhelmed that they have done this for us - dd 2 would love it. They are so excited.

Dd 1 has been to Disney world 4 times but I have never been. How the hell can I go to Disney without dd 1 too? I haven't even got the money to add her to the holiday.

We have discussed this with dps parents and they felt awful about the situation but they havent got the money to pay for dd1 either, but really wanted to share this experience with their daughter, granddaughter and myself before they get too old and knowing we will probably never be able to afford to take dd2.They are by no means flush, and I do appreciate their generosity, it must have taken them ages to save. But I am now in the most shitty position ever!

If I go, I would feel awful on dd1, if I don't go I will feel awful on dd2 and would feel ungrateful to dps parents.

I am in catch 22 and cannot sleep or think about anything else!! What the hell.

Do I not go and deprive dd2 the holiday of a lifetime (dp would not want to go without me but has been great in sharing my - to put it lightly, unease about this situation) and maybe never have the opportunity again, knowing that my dd 1 will go with my parents next year? Or do I go and upset and hurt dd 1 when the problem for me is not about who has been but rather the fact that I would have only had this wonderful experience with 1 of my dd's!!! I can't cope.

How the hell do I deal with this?!?!

Name calling?

I said he was acting like a selfish arse, which he is.

Because of his guilt towards DD1 he is happy to deprive DD2.

Thats not harsh, its his DD2s reality if he doesnt go.

I'd either find a way to raise the money to take DD1 or send DD2 on her own with her mum.

There's no way I could take one of my own children on a great holiday without the other regardless of the fact that she has been before. Can you just imagine the feelings of the child.

Ok I'm completely going back on my first post. Go on the holiday and cut you parents out of your life they are nasty manipulative bastards. Who in earth takes just one grandchild to disney 4 times!

No wonder your partners parents have done this.

HappyMummyOfOne he needs to think of the feelings of DD2. DD1 gets quite enough attention already.

After your update that it is your parents taking only dd1 away every year I think that that is the worst thing here.

I would be telling them that the blatant favouritism stops now.
It is ugly and damaging behaviour.
Your poor dd2

in defense of the ops parents, they may well favouritise dd1 in other ways I don't know about BUT I don't think it's unreasonable to take Dd1 away on holiday without dd2 considering she's only 5, maybe it would be reasonable for them to take her this year but certainly not before the age of 5 without a parent unless she's used to spending lots of time with them alone.

But still please please go with dd 2 and enjoy it, Dd1 gets plenty of holidays without dd 2. Explain this to dd 1.

He's not happy to deprive DD2. Stop making shit up.

I think you go on this holiday. It's how you handle DD1 so that she doesn't feel it's unfair that might be tricky.

There's no way I could take one of my own children on a great holiday without the other regardless of the fact that she has been before. Can you just imagine the feelings of the child.

I agree I wouldn't arrange a holiday for one child without taking the other, however in this case the OP has not arranged a holiday, his PILs have. The PILs have arranged a holiday for their daughter, her partner and their grandchild. I think it is perfectly reasonable of them not to include their step-granddaughter.

And what about DD2's feelings if he doesn't go. "Oh, Daddy didn't want to come to disneyland with me, he only wanted to go with my sister because she's more important. That's why my grandparents take her to disneyland and not me. I'm not as special as her so I always get left behind or have to have Daddy stay behind."

Dd1 is old enough to understand why she couldn't come - it was a holiday paid for and arranged by DD2's grandparents. She is going to disneyland next year with her grandparents (who incidentally are DD2's grandparents too but don't want to invite her along) so it's not even like she is missing out. As she only sees the OP one weekend a fortnight I presume she won't be missing out on much time with him either, maybe a maximum of two weekend? The time can be made up my arranging something special to do with her just before or just after the holiday and he can buy her a super gift.

I just think the whole situation with OP's parents already sounds horribly unfair on DD2, she is already missing out on so much so to make her miss out on this as well just seems cruel.

Difficult one... Has holiday been booked and paid for? I only ask as there are cheaper ways of doing Disney which may mean everyone can go. Things like not booking a package, flying indirect, staying off site in a villa, different types of tickets etc

What possible reason can there be to explain why the OP's parents have taken his elder daughter away on holiday 4 times, but not his younger? I suppose age might excuse it, but not really.

Sometimes these things occur in step families, my parents live abroad and we haven't been able to afford to see them due to me and DP having a DS 7 months. As a surprise my parents have paid for me, DP, my 2 DDs and our DS to go out this summer so they can see their new GSon, my DPs 2 DCs are not coming. My DP doesn't feel bad as he said that it's really so my parents can see their new GSon and his DC go away every year with his ExW and her DP anyway so it's not like they don't get a holiday (also my DPs mum takes them away every year also). It's not always possible to accommodate everybody all the time, especially with so many different dynamics, you just have to make the best of every situation

Maybe they are trying to maintain a relationship with her given they are at the whim of her mother if they see her or not as she's with her most of the week.

Misguided maybe and they should both go if old enough to leave their parents for a holiday but given the hatred on ILs on this site perhaps they are just trying to ensure they have a relationship with their grandchild. DD2 is fortunate enough to still be living with both her parents.

It was also quite mean of the PILs to exclude a child, she is part of their lives and their grand daughters sibling. Both sets of grandparents are excluding a child.

OP maybe they don't actually want thier step grandchild to go on holiday with them.

So because the pil can't afford to include their sdgd, nobody should go?

I think you're overthinking it. I have a dsd (10) and 2 of my own dc's. We generally had one holiday per year without dsd and one with her. Similarly, she goes away with her mum (and obviously my dc's don't go then ). As a child, I also had half siblings and they often went on holiday with my dad and step mum and I didn't go with them. It was no biggie

I think if your dd1 had never been to Disney (and was never likely to go), then I could perhaps understand your reluctance. As it stands though, I'd have no qualms about going. It would be massively unfair to dd2 and your dp (as well as her parents) if you didn't :-(

Just noticed dd1 is going with your parents next year and dd2 is not invited . I wouldn't think twice about going this year tbh. Madness to even be considering not IMHO

Why hasn't DD2 been taken any of these many trips to Disney and why are you accepting your parents treating you DP and younger daughter badly?

Poor dd2! You really must go on the holiday. Your parents sound awful

Like many others I don't see the dilemma. Your older DD has been 4 times and has a 5th booked.

What I see as an issue is that your parents seem to favour your DD1 and exclude DD2 which is an actual issue.

From a different angle my kids have been to Disney a few times.

The magic of their first time age 6 and 4 was amazing. They were so overwhelmed I actually ended up in tears a few times.
I'm sorry you missed out with that with your older dd.

Last year my 10 yr old on her 3rd visit - well it was great fun and we had a fab time but magical - not really.

I would explain to your dd that she has been 4 times without her sister and so it's now her sisters turn to go.

Dont miss this magic time with your little one.

An 11 year old at Disney - well it mainly becomes about the rides.

A 5 year old - its all about the magic, meeting princesses, parades etc.

Sorry for the late reply. My parents are just awful let me start with that. They have never made an effort with dd2 despite every effort made by dp to encourage a normal relationship between them and their granddaughter. Without going into to too much detail, I don't speak to my parents much. My dp has been fantastic to both dd1 and my family and she and dd2 really and honestly havent deserved any of the shit treatment they have received! Dp has never let the relationship between mps and dd1 effect her relationship with dd1 or the relationship between dd1 and dd2, and I love her so much for that.

Ils have been there for me when shit has hit the fan with my family, all the ups and downs, when my dd2 was born (my family were nowhere to be seen) so much background to this I just havent got the words. I don't and wouldn't expect ils to pay for my dd1 to go on holiday I just dont suppose I ever imagined I would be in a situation like this. My ils are fantastic people and as a man with a dd from a previous relationship, would not expect them to treat my daughter exactly the same as they do their own gd. Dd1 is my responsibility - how I see it they never had the choice when their daughter fell in love with a guy who had a child. All I would hope for is that they are nice, kind and accepting of my child. They have gone above and beyond to do this and this holiday will not change my opinion of my ils.

I now need to bite the bullet and make a decision on where to go from here.

Thank you again for all of your replies. They have been really helpful.

I think it is perfectly reasonable of them not to include their step-granddaughter.

I think it is perfectly creepy.

Look, DD1 may be the beneficiary of some unfair favouritism from other family members, and you can't control that I guess OP. But two wrongs don't make a right.

It was downright weird of your DPs parents to arrange a holiday for you, your partner, and for one of your children.

If you think unfair treatment of siblings is wrong, then stand by those beliefs.

I wouldn't go. I would tell them, "There are two children in this family, which you know. Thank you so much but we can't possibly leave one child out of a family holiday."

My exp and her partner go with my parents and dd1. Dd2 had an invite last time they went however, why on earth would we let a 4 year old go alone to disney with gps that favour dd1 and experience disney with my exp and her new one. Odd. Seems to me they offered, knowing full well we would say no to get them off of thr favouritism hook.

Take no notice of those who say it's unfair. it's perfectly fair for DD2 to go somewhere that DD1 has been to several times.

I'd think differently if DD1 lived with you and had never been - but as it is I think she'll understand.