I am in the worst situation EVER!!!

[ShitYouNot]

I am in the worst situation I have EVER been in, in my life.

Dd 1 is 11 and dd (with current partner) is 5. I am Dad and dd1 stays every other weekend.

Dp parents are both 60 this year, and celebrating a special wedding anniversary. Dp and her family are extremely close and they have been fantastic with me and dd 1. Even though my own family have been awful to dp and dd 2 over the years. (Things r better now, ps dp was not the other woman before you ask) my family were just very unfair and for no reason. Dd1 has always, and will always be the favourite no question about it.

Yesterday dp's parents announced that they have booked and paid for a holiday for dp, dd 2 and I to celebrate their special year. Not just anywhere, but to disney world for this year!!! We have really struggled the last few years financially and haven't had a holiday at all, and I am overwhelmed that they have done this for us - dd 2 would love it. They are so excited.

Dd 1 has been to Disney world 4 times but I have never been. How the hell can I go to Disney without dd 1 too? I haven't even got the money to add her to the holiday.

We have discussed this with dps parents and they felt awful about the situation but they havent got the money to pay for dd1 either, but really wanted to share this experience with their daughter, granddaughter and myself before they get too old and knowing we will probably never be able to afford to take dd2.They are by no means flush, and I do appreciate their generosity, it must have taken them ages to save. But I am now in the most shitty position ever!

If I go, I would feel awful on dd1, if I don't go I will feel awful on dd2 and would feel ungrateful to dps parents.

I am in catch 22 and cannot sleep or think about anything else!! What the hell.

Do I not go and deprive dd2 the holiday of a lifetime (dp would not want to go without me but has been great in sharing my - to put it lightly, unease about this situation) and maybe never have the opportunity again, knowing that my dd 1 will go with my parents next year? Or do I go and upset and hurt dd 1 when the problem for me is not about who has been but rather the fact that I would have only had this wonderful experience with 1 of my dd's!!! I can't cope.

How the hell do I deal with this?!?!

You can't not go, it's not fair on DD2 and DP. I think your making this bigger than what it is. It's DD2 who is being left out

dd 1 will go with my parents next year? Or do I go and upset and hurt dd 1 when the problem for me is not about who has been but rather the fact that I would have only had this wonderful experience with 1 of my dd's!!! I can't cope.

DD2 is the one who's 'hard done by'. Dd1 has been 4 times and it doesn't sound like anyone is wracked with guilt about leaving DD2 out.

Very generous of in laws and I hope they are not feeling guilty. Why should you and Dd2 miss out.

It would be better if you could afford to pay for your DD that isn't going. If you can't afford to do this then go anyway as she has already been four times. And in any case the holiday is already paid for so nothing would be gained by cancelling it. But a lot of money would be lost. Go.

And maybe the in laws don't want DD1 to go in their special once in a life time family trip anyway.

We have discussed this with dps parents and they felt awful about the situation but they havent got the money to pay for dd1 either, but really wanted to share this experience with their daughter, granddaughter and myself before they get too old and knowing we will probably never be able to afford to take dd2.

I feel sorry for the DGPs who just want a a nice holiday with their family and are now wracked with guilt. Your DPS obviously are not when they leave DD2 at home

Stop making such a big deal about it. It's not like DD1 is missing out, most kids could only dream of going to disney land never mind going 4 times.

Your partner should take your dd2 and you stay behind. Or would dd1 mum chip in a bit for your dd to go to Disney? If you all pay a but she could go. They often do deals where kids go for free.

Don't be ridiculous *itsbetterthanabox why on earth should he stay behind? Stupid idea.

Why doesn't your parents take DD2 to Disney with them? That seems awfully unfair. I would feel very guilty knowing my parents took only one of my DC on a trip of a lifetime.

You should go.

You say Dd1 has already been? Who took her? She is obviously experiencing things dd2 isn't.

My dc1 & 2 do things with their dad that we don't do with dc3.

What happens if Dd1 starts getting really expensive Christmas gifts from her mum's side of the family? Will you feel you have to match? Same as above, elder dc get two Christmas days. Dc3 gets one.

I wouldn't allow my dd1 to go with my parents if they refused to take dd2 tbh.

Once maybe, when dd2 was too young.

But because they blatantly prefer her? No way.

Three options:

1. You go with DD2 and DP and discuss with DD1 that she's going with her GP's next year and has been 4 times already

1. You don't go at all to assuage your guilt and just let DD2 and DP go

1. You give up your place to DD1

I think you have to go on this holiday with DD2 and her family, she deserves this once in a lifetime opportunity with her family. To stay at home just to spend one weekend in the fortnight for DD1 so she doesn't feel left out is, imo, ridiculous. DD1 has been to disneyworld 4 times, and presumably has had other exciting experiences with her family (both your parents and her mum's side of the family) which DD2 wasn't involved with. At 10 I think she is old enough to understand that things for her and DD2 will not always be exactly the same as both she and DD2 have different maternal families.

That said, how you will explain to DD2 in the future that although she and DD1 have the same paternal grandparents they only want to include DD1 in the holidays I don't know. If I was you that would be my worry, that your parents are going to make DD2 feel like an outsider, and not that your DP's parents are not including your DD1.

You say that DD1 will always be your parents's favourite and you are racked with guilt at the thought of not taking DD1 (who has been 4 times with her family already) but seem to accept it as a given that your DP's will take DD1, and not DD2, next year. Why don't you push for your DP's to include DD2 in their plans as well? You are making your PIL's feel guilty for not including DD1 (who is not their grandchild) but accept your parents won't include DD2, (who is their grandchild). If you want to experience disneyworld with both of your daughters then I would be trying to encourage your DPILs to include DD2 in their plans to take DD1 their next year. You could then begin saving to come along on that trip as well.

But in the mean time don't deny DD2 the opportunity to go to disneyland with her father and don't deny yourself the opportunity to enjoy it with her. DD2 is already going to feel like she is second-best to yDD1 in your parents eyes but don't make her feel like she is second best to you as well. How awful will it be if she feels like if you can't experience disneyland with her and DD1 there you'd rather not experience it with her at all.

Ok so maybe I sounded a bit hysterical! Apologies but that is how I feel about it at the moment. Cheers for all the advice, although some very contradictory comments here they are helping me make sense of what seemed like my worst nightmare as a dad (probably not my life, admittedly a bit dramatic ay!) Def wish I could have had the experience with dd 1 on her first visit. My parents take dd1 and have done everytime. Exp has been with them too and so obviously I wouldn't go. It would be extremely long winded if I were to get into the dynamics of my family.

Thanks again for all the comments.

Could you,dp and dp's parents all chip in to pay for dd1 to come too? Splitting the cost? When is the holiday? Could you get a price for DD1 and see if it would be possible to split the cost? Put it on credit card and pay it off?

I wouldnt go without either of my dcs.

I don't think the OP said that his parents took his dd1 to Disney. I presume it was organised through his ex (and her family?).

Whilst it would be a noble sacrifice to stay behind, I don't think your dd1 will particularly notice or appreciate it. Was she beating her chest with guilt about you on her last 4 trips there?

I would go. I think it's very unfair that your DD1 has been 4 times with your parents but they didn't even think about DD2 which is mean.
Why should Dd2 lose out on having her dad on holiday?

For those saying stay behind, it's ridiculous. Dd1 is old enough to realise that she just can't go this time....like Dd2 didn't go the past 4 !!

Oops, sorry, x-post. Your parents HAVE just taken one of their GCs????!!!
In which case, get on that plane!!!

Why would DD2 miss out on her dad being there??? Madness to suggest you stay at home with DD1 who has been there before or that your DP's parents change their holiday to suit YOUR DD. It's a blended family - these situations are inevitable. Your ex's parents wouldn't feel obliged to include DD2 on a trip would they??

Go without DD1 .
She has gone previously is older and will understand.
Explain finances to her.

I'd go. DD1 has been four times si she isn't actually missing out.
And she is old enough to understand about finances.
You are lovely to be so concerned though! Hope you can have some special times with DD1 that don't cost a lot of money, like country walks where you can enjoy being together.

I cant believe your Dp is accepting you getting in a tis over your DD1 missing out when you are quite happy for your DD2 to miss out on you being there.

Poor child sounds like she falls into second place everywhere within your side of the family including you.

Get a grip, go on holiday with your family and make some fantastic memories for your DD2.

Its a holiday of a lifetime that your DD1 has already been lucky enough to experience several times so why deprive your other child.

I'd also apologise to your In Laws for acting like a selfish arse and making them feel like crap when all they had in mind was a fantastic holiday with their family. You certainly know how to take the shine off a special event.

I'm surprised they havent told you to sod off for being an ungrateful shit and a drama queen.

There is no question at all that I would go with dd 2.

Dd1 has been lots of times before and gets extra from your parents as she's the favourite. Dd 2 may never get to do this again and your ils have the right to have the anniversary celebration they want.

Dsd 1 and 2 have a different mum to dsd 3, they go to florida with dps parents every summer, dsd 3 has never been. This is because dsd 3 only came to live with us last year and her mum was reluctant to let her go and because she has learning disabilities so his parents would really struggle to have her without either parent for 2 weeks, with the other two to look after as well.
When we have the money we will take her on a holiday somewhere without the other 2 because we aren't likely to be able to afford to take all 3 as well as my current bump, and they have been on amazing holidays without her, some years with dp too sometimes with just his parents.

Unfortunately you can't include all your kids in everything even if you are a traditional nuclear family as some kids have different needs, different interests and financial situations restrict things.

Think about it this way, your dps parents are treating their child, her partner and their grandchild, you are not paying for a family holiday and excluding your child, you are accepting a present.

I would feel so so bad for dd 2 if she didn't get to experience this with both her parents to share it with.

Your eldest daughter has been to DisneyWorld FOUR times. You really need to get a grip here. If I was your DP, I would be really pissed off with you making an issue out of nothing.

Very harsh reply. He is just asking for advice, why have a go and start name calling? Are you just keeping up the MN reputation?

In the nicest possible way, wise up.

Go on the holiday.

Your dd1 has been before, dd2 hasn't.

Your pil have treated you all to a lovely holiday, something your own parents don't do, instead only including your eldest child. That stinks IMO.

Why should dd2, your dp, her parents all be made to feel bad because dd1 isn't included when she has already had so many benefits?

That was to gato