I am in the worst situation EVER!!!

[ShitYouNot]

I am in the worst situation I have EVER been in, in my life.

Dd 1 is 11 and dd (with current partner) is 5. I am Dad and dd1 stays every other weekend.

Dp parents are both 60 this year, and celebrating a special wedding anniversary. Dp and her family are extremely close and they have been fantastic with me and dd 1. Even though my own family have been awful to dp and dd 2 over the years. (Things r better now, ps dp was not the other woman before you ask) my family were just very unfair and for no reason. Dd1 has always, and will always be the favourite no question about it.

Yesterday dp's parents announced that they have booked and paid for a holiday for dp, dd 2 and I to celebrate their special year. Not just anywhere, but to disney world for this year!!! We have really struggled the last few years financially and haven't had a holiday at all, and I am overwhelmed that they have done this for us - dd 2 would love it. They are so excited.

Dd 1 has been to Disney world 4 times but I have never been. How the hell can I go to Disney without dd 1 too? I haven't even got the money to add her to the holiday.

We have discussed this with dps parents and they felt awful about the situation but they havent got the money to pay for dd1 either, but really wanted to share this experience with their daughter, granddaughter and myself before they get too old and knowing we will probably never be able to afford to take dd2.They are by no means flush, and I do appreciate their generosity, it must have taken them ages to save. But I am now in the most shitty position ever!

If I go, I would feel awful on dd1, if I don't go I will feel awful on dd2 and would feel ungrateful to dps parents.

I am in catch 22 and cannot sleep or think about anything else!! What the hell.

Do I not go and deprive dd2 the holiday of a lifetime (dp would not want to go without me but has been great in sharing my - to put it lightly, unease about this situation) and maybe never have the opportunity again, knowing that my dd 1 will go with my parents next year? Or do I go and upset and hurt dd 1 when the problem for me is not about who has been but rather the fact that I would have only had this wonderful experience with 1 of my dd's!!! I can't cope.

How the hell do I deal with this?!?!

You can't control what your exp does but you can make a choice that you don't play the favouritism game. If you're going on a family holiday, then all your kids are coming.

Totally disagree with Matilda
Have you read the thread at all?

If you tell her she's supposed to be okay with being excluded because she's already been to Disney before, you're giving her the message that:

1. Family holidays are more about going to some overrated special place as opposed to enjoying one another's company.
2. The favouritism she receives from other family members is her own fault.

Nice.

This is a creepy thread.

Matilda, the holiday is organised and paid for by his in laws, who are actually nothing to do with Dd1.

I have much more of an issue with the fact that his parents blatantly favour one GC over another

To suggest that it is perfectly creepy is ridiculous. Why shouldn't they be able to treat their bio gd? My dd1 doesn't live with me. Pretty assuming of me to expect them to think of paying for my dd don't you think?? If my dps had paid just for dd2 noone would have an issue here with ils. Dp and her family are close and dp would not let experience disney without her I just know it, and I cannot blame her for that. I would have loved to experience that with dd1 too. Ils are aware of how their daughter feels and so wanted to treat them to a trip she may never get to have. Can I blame them? No.

What I do when I go abroad is a different matter. I would never take one without the other. But that rule should not apply to my dp parents.

They are not the issue here for me and I won't have it said otherwise. It's how I and my dds feel / will feel,that is the problem.

Two wrongs don't make a right at all and that is why I have posted for some comments. The wrong doing shouldnt be placed in the hands of my ils, its down to me and how I deal with the situation which is what I wanted advice on.

I see what you're saying ShitYouNot, but that's why I think it's a bit weird for adults to arrange holidays for other adults as though they were children.

It's possible your DP's parents just weren't thinking but they have given you a gift with a bunch of strings attached.

If you think favouritism and leaving kids out is wrong, then you know what to do.

I think if your DD1 doesn't live with you, and has been to Disney 4 times, then it's fine to go with your partner, her family, and your DD2.

It would be different if DD1 had never been to Disney and actually lived with you, so she'd be very much left at home.

Presumably she gets different things off her mother and maternal grandparents that your DD2 doesn't get, likewise it is OK for your DD2 to get things from her maternal grandparents that don't involve DD1

Its a very difficult choice. Its unfair on your dd1 that your ILs can't afford for her to go and neither can you and your DP. But I can see why your ILs would favour their bio dgd.

Its also massively unfair that your parents are taking your dd1 yet have nothing to do with your dd2. For everyone saying if you go on holiday and your dd1 is left out it will give her the message that she's not wanted, but what about your dd2? If you say she can't go as its not fair on her sister then she sees her sister going off to Disney world yet she can't go it will be sending her the message that she's not wanted as well.

Its a long shot given what you've said about your parents but would they pay for your dd1 to go with you?

I can't tell you what to do but if it you do decide not to go then I think you should also tell your parents they can't take your dd1 and not your dd2. If it were your ex's parents takin your dd1 its different but I couldn't let my parents take one of my DCs on an amazing holiday and not my other DCs.

My exh is going to Disney in 2 weeks with my parents and the dc. (long story) they are not taking dss aged 14 and he does not feel guilty. My parents are paying for this holiday from a small windfall and I am not able to go so they asked him.
The reason he doesn't feel guilty is that dss has been to Disney World, also has far more holidays and financial advantages than my dc have recently.
I can understand your guilt but tbh I agree you need to stop farying around and go on the blinking holiday. Your parents have taken dd1 4 times and she will go again for a fifth next year. This may be the one and only chance your dd2 gets to go so really is the chance of a lifetime. Your dp must be a saint because I would be mighty pissed off if you backed out and my dd missed out on that holiday.

No, I guess the couple aren't obligated in any way to remember that their daughter and son-in-law have two kids instead of one. It's still kind of weird.

A trip to Disney World is really expensive, true, but the principle remains the same no matter if this were a world-wide cruise or a trip to Blackpool.

If someone offered me a fully paid holiday on condition that I leave one of my kids behind, I know what my answer would be, no question.

I'd think if you feel awful about it you - just you - should stay behind and let DD2 and DP go without you.

I would not however think you were awful or a bad dad for going along and DD1 not getting to go.

I don't think you are being daft about this - I think if you stayed at home it shows solidarity to your DD. She is your daughter as much as DD2 and regardless of whether she has been before you want her to be treated the same. No need to be stroppy about it, but explain nicely you don't go on holiday without both your DDs.

Okay I realise I just made it sound like a scene out of Sophie's Choice but that's how I see it.

I hope things work out for you, OP.

I think this holiday is almost the least of your worries. Your parents treat your family like shit and yet you allow them to take your elder daughter on holiday every year and ignore your other child pretty much.

No, the daughter has a child and a step-child. So two children. Just to be technical.

I think you put it to your DD1 that its only fair as IL's took you away, so it's DD2's turn now. Tell her you plan to take her away for a special day trip though - Alton towers with a couple of her friends

It's a family with two kids in it, that's all I mean.

go with your DD2 and DP to Disneyland

take your DD1 on a camping weekend next time she comes to stay.

different experiences, each special for DDs at different ages.

No, I see what you're saying needaholiday and I am sort of being contrary for the sake of it.

However the daughter chose to marry a guy with a kid and now she's in a family with two kids. The elder kid has to live in two places but that's not her fault. It's not her fault either that one set of grandparents is awful.

If someone were offering me an expensive holiday on condition I leave one of the kids behind my answer would be, "No thanks."

But then it's hard for me to imagine other adults (even parents/in-laws) arranging a holiday for me/family/kids without discussing it ahead of time. I do think that's weird and infantilising, sorry.

I think the issue would come if the trip was being organised in DD1's normal contact time and this has been re-organised as they will not be there. Otherwise, it is DD1's time with her mum?

I think the OP's parents organising a trip with DD1 and excluding DD2 is off, it is the kind of thing my mum would do. But the OP cannot reasonably prevent this. His in-laws want to provide a trip for their DD, their GDD and have invited the OP as part of that family unit. It is their trip. It is not like the OP is booking his own annual family holiday without his DD1, and I think that is where his responsibility should lie with making sure everyone is included.

Not sure if I am explaining well. What I mean is that the grandparents on both sides are making choices based on how they see 'family'. OP may not agree but it is their family holiday. Where it behoves OP to be scrupulously fair is in booking his own family holiday. He can't tell grandparents what to do. He can decide not to be part of it, but that would be cutting his nose off, I think. The best solution would be to book a weekend somewhere with DD1 and have one to one time with her. That shows that she matters to him, but does not spoil DD2's holiday by his absence.