I am in the worst situation EVER!!!

[ShitYouNot]

I am in the worst situation I have EVER been in, in my life.

Dd 1 is 11 and dd (with current partner) is 5. I am Dad and dd1 stays every other weekend.

Dp parents are both 60 this year, and celebrating a special wedding anniversary. Dp and her family are extremely close and they have been fantastic with me and dd 1. Even though my own family have been awful to dp and dd 2 over the years. (Things r better now, ps dp was not the other woman before you ask) my family were just very unfair and for no reason. Dd1 has always, and will always be the favourite no question about it.

Yesterday dp's parents announced that they have booked and paid for a holiday for dp, dd 2 and I to celebrate their special year. Not just anywhere, but to disney world for this year!!! We have really struggled the last few years financially and haven't had a holiday at all, and I am overwhelmed that they have done this for us - dd 2 would love it. They are so excited.

Dd 1 has been to Disney world 4 times but I have never been. How the hell can I go to Disney without dd 1 too? I haven't even got the money to add her to the holiday.

We have discussed this with dps parents and they felt awful about the situation but they havent got the money to pay for dd1 either, but really wanted to share this experience with their daughter, granddaughter and myself before they get too old and knowing we will probably never be able to afford to take dd2.They are by no means flush, and I do appreciate their generosity, it must have taken them ages to save. But I am now in the most shitty position ever!

If I go, I would feel awful on dd1, if I don't go I will feel awful on dd2 and would feel ungrateful to dps parents.

I am in catch 22 and cannot sleep or think about anything else!! What the hell.

Do I not go and deprive dd2 the holiday of a lifetime (dp would not want to go without me but has been great in sharing my - to put it lightly, unease about this situation) and maybe never have the opportunity again, knowing that my dd 1 will go with my parents next year? Or do I go and upset and hurt dd 1 when the problem for me is not about who has been but rather the fact that I would have only had this wonderful experience with 1 of my dd's!!! I can't cope.

How the hell do I deal with this?!?!

Wow. How much over thinking can you cram in to one thread?

In an ideal world all the dc would be treated equally by all parents, step parent and extended family. But how realistic is that?

Quite a bit of hysterics here.

With all due respect matildasquared and without sounding confrontational, what I asked you is on what basis you are giving your comments on and in my OP, if you were in my situation...what you would do. I am not completely disagreeing with you here but I am also unsure why people use these threads to make people in difficult situations feel even more like shit than they probably already do. This should be used to give people constructive advice from an outsiders point of view.

Matilda dd1 has been to Disney land before. dd2 might never get to go. Dd2 is entitled to holidays with her grandparents as dd1 is...

no one can afford for dd1 to go aswell, it's a very expensive holiday. The only way to solve this is for no one to go which is obviously unfair on dd2 and the gps who would loose money or the op not to go. And unless he would otherwise spend the time with dd1 then there is no point. And if he did spend time with dd 1 then it seems like he is favouring dd1...

I think the problem with using emotive language like freebies over family unity is that the DD's live in different families. DD1 is resident with her mum and DD2 is resident with her dad. They are two family units.

Sorry, OP (don't want to say your name 'cause it's like I'm swearing at you). I don't know you but I know what I'd do in your situation.

For me the problem has a simple solution. Not easy! But simple.

All you can do is follow your conscience.

Hey OP if you want to chose a freebie over family unity, go for it. A bonus is your girls get the lesson that two wrongs make a right and integrity can be bought

Oh give over!

There's hysteria all over this thread.

Look, OP, this is the least of your worries.

You should have nothing to do with your toxic parents for the sake of your DP and your DD.

This wasn't your decision. PIL have decided to treat their daughter and grandaughter.

Stay behind and sulk if you want but that's a pretty shoddy way to treat the people who have treated you so well.

Meanwhile, your horrendous parents will fuck off next year with your ex and DD1.

How many times do you think they'll fret about leaving you behind? Or your poor DD2 for that matter?

Grow a pair.

I have 2 step children and they do nice things with their mum (who has more money than us) and that's great. We do not wait to do everything nice with them as they are a part of the family but they have nice things separately,m&s your daughter sounds like she does. If she has been 4 times then lucky her, explain the situation to her and tell her you'll bring a gift back. The other option is that maybe her mother will pay or at least contribute.
Please don't deprive yourself, your wife and your daughter of a holiday of a life time especially when you won't get the chance again.

So dd1 has been 4 times. Dd2 hasn't been once. Regardless of whether or not you haven't gone together (why didn't you go with dd1on at least 1 of the 4 times anyway?) you're being ridiculous & unfair on your dp & dd2, moreso than dd1 (who sounds over indulged tbh) I think you come across as favouring your dd1. Time to grow a backbone, I say!

Oh & your parents have taken your dd1 & ex to Disney world? Rather than take you & dd1 with them? That is totally disgusting or there is something you're hiding?

Grow a pair!

Waltermitty here here!

So your parents never cared about taking the older one and leaving the little one out so what's the issue? It's the little one's turn now.

Go on the holiday and okay up how "isn't it lovely your little sister gets to enjoy all the lovely things you've been so lucky to have" to the elder one. If she acts up tell her she's being spoilt.

Pick yourself some mickey ears up while you're there to go with your Disney dad ways

But dornish - this isn't grandparents favouring one grand child over another. It's grandparents favouring their grandchild over the child their son in law had with another woman who they probably barely see and who already gets so much from, ya know, its own grandparents.

Just go on the bloody holiday.

Sheesh.

Completely guilty of that happybeard! Hands up to that one. Some good suggestions there too so thank you.The last few posts have been a breath of fresh air. I suppose that is how I feel deep down if I am completely honest with you and when thinking about it all logically. As a parent I just suppose you can over think things, permanently questioning if what you're doing is the 'right' thing especially in the case of blended families. I do need to grow a back bone. I just panic incase dd1 wont talk to me or see me!! Here I go again.

Married or not, the OP and his DP have a child together so they are a family and his DD1 is part of that family. Shocking behaviour from the DP's parents IMO.

I don't think it's shocking at all. I feel sorry for the GPS who have saved up to take their family on a Ince in a lifetime trip.

The gps who are the gps to both DDs are the shocking one's taking DD1 and leaving dd2 behind. I feel sorry for DD2S gps who are worried and feeling guilty. Why should they even invite DD1 on their family holiday let alone pay for her. Poor DD2 has been left behind on numerous occasions by her actual GPs who don't seem to be bothered and who favour DD1. My sympathies are with dd2s grandparents who should be able to book and pay for a family trip without being made to feel guilty about it. No one seems to give a shit about DD2 being excluded and playing second fiddle to DD1. If I was DD1s DM I would not expect dd1 to be able to go at all and wouldn't have a problem with it, dd2s GPs are not family. I would be more concerned about the treatment of dd2 by her paternal gps and that's the issue I would be concerned with.

We'll forget that one Now. it's not normal to worry if your kids will hate you and not want to see you. Your kids should hate you, OFTEN. I know mine do. They won't like half of the decisions you make but that's what being an adult and a parent is all about - making tough, right decisions. If she gets even an inkling that she can manipulate those decisions by rewarding or punishing you with her affections, you're in trouble.

My DH has been here (still needs constant support on it). Disney parenting is never ever ever the way and you risk hurting, maybe destroying, your relationship with your second daughter and your wife as they won't put up with you tippy toeing around afraid of what princess might say or do.

Sorry if "princess" sounds harsh but I felt it apt for this thread.

The GPs are making up for the awful way the other GPs have been with DD2. DD2 deserves something special.

What is it with people who think the child/children of the first relationship should have more than any subsequent children? It's like a Cinderella story. I feel so sorry for DCs from second relationships sometimes.

This would only be a problem if DD1 hadn't already been four times.

As it is, it's fine, have a great trip.

Not a SP but heres my 2 cents

Go on the bloody holiday, have a lovely time. If dd1 decides to be put out about it then tell her to take a look at herself. She's been 4 times ffs!

Sorry that your parents are so fucked up, that must be really hard but it's bad enough to have your sibling massively favoured by your GPs without your dad being frightened to share an experience with you because he hasn't done it with your sis.

I already mentioned my dsds going to florida and Disney world with dps parents most years. They are twins and will be 12 when our baby is born.

I highly doubt we will ever be in a position to afford Disney land Paris let alone Disney world...but if we can there's no way we'd be able to afford to take 5 kids with us!

They've been every year since they were about 2 or 3 and in 4-7 years when it would be a good time to take my child they will be 16 - 19 and while dsd 3 who has learning disabilities may still enjoy it at that age, and unless anything changes will still never have been, it would make no sense to take them with us, they've been so many times and would be older by then.
We do really want to have a complete family holiday at some point though even If we only go somewhere in the UK, and want to include everyone in that.

So I don't think it's unreasonable in the circumstances.

People judging the 60 yr gps wanting to do this for ops family shame on you. I bet half of those people haven't got a clue about blended families, let alone lived in one.

Here goes:

From your parents perspective, what the actual fuck could they say? And who cares?

From your dp's parents, why the hell can't they book, pay for and enjoy a holiday to Disney with their gd, dd and her dp? Poor them. It sounds like your dp and dd2 need this bloody holiday after everything your family have done. Can you blame them for wanting to do something nice for them. Who is actually looking out for your dp and dd2 here?

Your dd2, she will expect you to be there, how will your dp, her parents and YOU explain to her that you cant be there with her? What an awful position to put them in! It's no more her fault than it is dd1's that your previous relationship didnt work out. You're being unfair.

Your exp, really? It is quite frankly none of her business what your dps parents do for their own grandchild or their dd. I bet she would have everything to say if dd2 was taken on lavish holidays and not dd1. ignore whatever it is she might have to say about it. I personally wouldnt have a problem if I were in her shoes as someone else said. Things need putting into perspective. What I find most weird is that exp new partner would want to holiday with your parents!

Dd2, she has been before OP. Don't beat yourself up over it. However awful you feel about it ( I get it) she has been extremely lucky to have been as many times as she has. Can't you just explain everything to her, and try to help her get involved by advising you which ride she thinks is best, what is good to eat etc! Even if she is upset initially, she will get over it and wont be thinking of it on her next trip there, or the fact that dd2 is at home and not enjoying the things she is, thats kids for you. Try and save up and go euro one year with both dds. New experience for all of you I am assuming?

dp, I would be pissed if you didnt go, end of!!

For people suggesting that your dp pay for dd1 to accompany you! No, just no!

Do what you have to OP but you cant waste your life and experiences with dd2 because of your guilt for not living with dd1! Put this into perspective and instead of feeling guilty and sorry for yourself and dd1 start taking the other people who care about you and your OTHER daughter into consideration too!

Go and have a beer and chill.

Enjoy the holiday! Life is too short.

Meant ops parents not dp (paying for the holiday part) of my prev post!

You don't even know the DD1 will be bothered, though, no-one has said she is, so calling her a princess is unfair. My DD has never once been taken on holiday with her dad, she has not complained or said anything about it. We are going on holiday for the first time in four years this summer, she is over the moon. It has never entered her head to think, well, [half-sis] goes every year with Daddy.
So, it is not always the case that first children get everything, and in the OP's case, there is nothing to suggest that she is a princess, it is about the OP's feelings.