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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why do mums do this?

225 replies

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 14:54

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

OP posts:

brdgrl · 07/08/2012 16:49

Are you the voice of 'nice' on MN now? How extraordinary.

MaryHansack · 07/08/2012 16:49

brdgirl I am sure you are doing a fine job and you are a good person. It was anita I was questioning, not you. chill.

MaryHansack · 07/08/2012 16:50

and if you think describing the husbands ex as 'completely mental' is OK....well, carry on, whatever.

brdgrl · 07/08/2012 16:52

But you don't know anita's circumstances either.
It is a shame you had a bad relationship with your stepmother. I am sure you could post about it and get support; there is really no need or benefit to being bitchy towards other women because of your own baggage.

NotaDisneyMum · 07/08/2012 16:52

Mary you don't speak for us all, I can assure you!

I know that I am described as completely mental by my exH, and probably his fiancée too .

It's a label I've learnt to appreciate - and take as a backhanded compliment

ThePigOnTheWall · 07/08/2012 16:57

What apathetic squabble you lot

"But she said..."

"No but you said..."

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 07/08/2012 17:05

Bloody hell! All the bickering on here, makes me wonder whether i should of started this thread! lol

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 07/08/2012 17:07

sugaplum if it wasn't your thread it would have been another one - it's SM season at least once a month, here!

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 07/08/2012 17:11

I have noticed, not just on here but in life in general that if step mothers are faced with some difficulty in their relationship or with their step children, regardless of the issue, they are automatically accused of not accepting the children, accepting their DH or DP has had a past etc etc

I think this is just SOME of society in general, which i dont think will improve over the years

OP posts:

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 07/08/2012 17:27

Perhaps there is too much subconscious linking with the Relationships thread, where a majority of the relationships posted on there fail due to affairs or the presence of an OW.

It's bred a certain suspicion that people can't just break up for the sake of sheet misery, there always has to be a temptation on the other side. Or, that the woman might have actually cheated on her DH, or behaved badly in the relationship - you don't see too many of those threads on Mumsnet either.

People are sniffing out a suspicion that just doesn't exist, and don't want to admit that yes, some first wives can use their children as a form of control in the DH's life.

I'm ashamed to say I've seen it in my RL too.

MyinnergoddessisatLidl · 07/08/2012 17:27

Sheer misery, not sheet misery.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 07/08/2012 17:31

I agree there myinnergod

OP posts:

Kaluki · 07/08/2012 17:50

Inner goddess -well said
Mary - Who are you to judge? I was not and have never been the OW.
But as a stepmum I post on here for advice and support not a lecture in morality!

perfumedlife · 07/08/2012 18:07

My dh's exwife is completely unbalanced and not safe to have custody of three of her children. I could see this coming a long time ago, but my god if I'd said so I'd have been villified. Sad fact is, she was allowed to put the kids through so much fear and misery for years and we had a fight just to discover where my step son laid his head at night.

Ow are not some alien breed with child snatching tendancies Mary. Step mothers are just woman, some you'll love, some you won't. I wonder if the fact I wasn't the ow and therefore not a legitimate hate target, didn't make it worse for exwife. She was determined to hate me come what may, it made her feel better about the mess she'd made of her life. That might have worked in her head for, oh, five minutes.

perfumedlife · 07/08/2012 18:08

NOT that I think ow are ever a legitimate hate target, other than apparantly in the eyes of some ex wives.

PenisVanLesbian · 07/08/2012 18:11

OW generally refers to the woman your husband is cheating on you with, so are you surprised if they hate them? Not exactly a shocker.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 07/08/2012 18:20

I can understand why a exp would hate the ex's new partner if she was the other woman.

Of course you would hate someone if you feel they broke up your family - thats natural.

But its harder to understand why they hate the step mother so much even when she wasnt the OW and they had been split some time before the exp met someone else.

OP posts:

perfumedlife · 07/08/2012 18:32

Is your comment in response to my last post PenisVanLesbian? If it is, I did say apparantly in the eyes of some ex wives. I can understand feelings of anger against an ow, totally. I can't understand hate against someone you don't know, and targeting this hatred for years at someone. Anger and hatred only harm the one feeling it really. Pointless.

PenisVanLesbian · 07/08/2012 18:35

Yes, obviously. You seem surprised that some women have negative feeling against the women their husbands were sleeping with, and colluded in breaking up their family. One can only assume you are very naive in this instance.

perfumedlife · 07/08/2012 18:43

Of drop the pompous tone Penis, it fools no one. In no way did I seem 'surprised' that some women have negative feeling against a woman sleeping with their husbands. I said I don't think ow are a legitimate hate target, other than apparantly in the eyes of some ex wives. The word 'other' means apart from here.

I personally have never been betrayed ( that I know of) but I know I would be angry at the ow, of course. I would reserve any hatred for the man I married and who broke his vows though. But that's a whole other issue. The point is, feel anger, feel hatred, do what you have to do, but don't drag children into it.

PenisVanLesbian · 07/08/2012 18:45

it's text dearie, the tone is all in your head.

NotaDisneyMum · 07/08/2012 18:46

Hatred of a man who cheated on you does not justify child abuse.

Many women who have been cheated on engage in behaviour towards their DCs which is emotionally abusive and damaging because of their hatred of their ex and/or OW - what kind of mother does that?

perfumedlife · 07/08/2012 18:49

Oh right Penis love, course it is.

Original poster

LittleSugaPlum · 07/08/2012 19:08

NADM You ve hit the nail on the head there

OP posts:

AnitaBlake · 07/08/2012 19:59

Thanks for the support, esp brdgrl sadly, in my case the ex is bonkers, there's no other way to describe it, sorry. She lies in court, to solicitors, anyone really,tbh I'm not sure if she knows what the truth is. She knowingly and deliberately withholds contact for no reason whatsoever, there are people like that out there. DH tried to make the relationship work, she made it impossible, relationships a I've heard this not just from him.

I was/am a stepchild, I've seen my parents lie and argue in court. I do my best for SD, and no her mum wasn't a child when they were together. There was than one 'father' in SDs life at one point, also came from an independant source, who was shocked yo find out DH had been told he was also the dad.

The point of the story was support fir the OP in the view that some exes do unspeakable things to children in the aim of revenge, as do some men. I'm seeing this from the NRP side, I know SMs who have had to take out restraining orders against exes, been attacked in the street etc., thankfully mine restricts herself to insulting me and lying to everyone she knows!

Heyho, I'm still always gonna be the bad guy lol.

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