Why do mums do this?

[LittleSugaPlum]

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

I think I said before, my dh's exwife was fine until I came along. She and dh had only been married just over a year when she took off with another man. She turned viscous when we set a wedding date, and yes, we arranged to marry a full nine months after getting together. Wonder if that passes the ex wives muster. We planned to marry before having children so it wasn't a long engagement for that reason.

There were court summons for money she'd already received, cost us fortunes in flights/lawyers/hotels. The judge threatened her with jail for wasting such huge sums of legal aid, what with her barrister and many cancellations. We had to fund the whole thing ourselves of course, and she was just given a slap on the writsts for her offence. Needless to say, the contact was never straightforward again, despite being fine until I came along. Was she worried for my stepson? Relieved that he would see his dad happy and settled, no longer in a dodgy bedsit and lonely? No, she was motivated by greed. She had four more dc with two other men, has lost custody of three of them and it's been a heartbreaking nightmare for my dh. I really cannot go this crap about first wives always putting the dc first. Sure, majority of them do, but when people are posting for advice and support, it's common this is one of the times they're not that kind of mum.

penis The only "sterotyping" i did was in the title, which i didnt think much of, so didnt realize it should of said "some" but to be honest i didnt think petty people would just focus on the title, rather than the contents of the thread itself!

Its not all me me me, but its not all about children either or things being done in a timescale. Lots of people are pregnant straightaway from meeting a partner, are they selish too? For not getting to know someone before they have a child? And for bringing a child into the world when the parents werent in a stable relationship?

No, so why should i be told i was selfish in the timescale i did things in?

perfumed Thats the advice i was looking for .. FROM A EXPERIENCED STEP MOTHER whos not had it plain sailing, and doesnt think all SM are thoughtless etc.

I hate it when people post on here and argue a point that doesnt make sense nor have they any experience on.

Am sorry OptimisticPessimist, I didn't see that about the dh being concerned that the dc's mother was not acting in their best intersest. I don't see why he could think that, all she is doing is moving on and living life, which often means remarriage and kids. But even so, can't you agree that him not moving on himself is just not the answer to that? Life is fluid, things change, people, even kids, adjust. They take their cues from adults being confident and happy.

I thought I read the mother moved away too.

The mother did move away too, so you did read right, thats if your referring that sentence to my thread.

Theres that much going on , on here...

Both parents moved away from where the children were being brought up, in totally opposite directions to each other.

Thanks Op I thought I read that, it just seems that no one else did.

Still trying to wrap my head round the double standards on here. My dh would have loved to have prioritised his ds, just that the family courts default position was stay with mum, despite the evidence of her instability.

sugaplum - play therapy? Counselling? Both would be excellent for the DCs.

As for your question - I recommend a book called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin which explains why the modern version of fairy tales substituted the wicked mother for the wicked stepmother that everyone is familiar with - and a lot more besides!
If you really want help and maybe some of the answers, and don't just want to stir things up on a forum , then there is loads of genuine support, advice and research out there. Sooner or later, you'll find yourself turning to it if you want to stay committed to your DSC.

My DP and I have, several times, put our relationship on hold through consideration of one or more of our DCs. We delayed sharing it with them, we delayed moving in together and we have delayed (probably indefinitely) a big wedding because we know it would be more detrimental than beneficial to them. It's probably easier for me because it's my own DD that I'm considering too - although it is DSD who has been the most significant consideration in most of those issues

If you choose to forge ahead with other relationship developments in the future, be prepared for criticism, and more importantly, do not underestimate the impact on your DSC. They may seem fine, but you are creating lifelong memories for them and the impact of those may not be evident for months or even years.

NADA How good is this book? How old are all your children (including your dp)

NADM the book sounds good though. Forwarned is forearmed I suppose, anything to avoid all this illfeeling must be good.

My DP is not a child

He and I are both 'beginning' life, according to the well known adage - DSD is midteens, DD is just hitting her pre-teens and DSS is leaving littleboyhood behind. There's six years between DPs two and my DD in the middle

Both DD and DSS have had play therapy & youth counselling at different times

The book is not a self help guide - there are lots of those too - but Stepmonster is more a 'guidebook' to the phenomenon that is SM's and the unique place they hold in societies across the world.

NADM I forgot to put "including your DP children" haha

I will look into that book, thanks.

Bloody hell, I'd love to read one stepmum thread that wasn't full of abuse.

Remind's self to never, never be a second wife.

It's hard enough being a step mum, without all the judgement some people get on here.

I sincerely hope I am not a second wife :) my marriage would be illegal and DH would have PR in that case. as for timescales, the ex became pg the first time she slept with DH, so certainly didn't wait as long as I did, and was always completely mental went ut came to money and contact. I just provided a suitable outlet for that (not that DH ever played into that one).

I know plenty of SMs in a similar position to myself its not all husband-stealing preditors that end up as SMs!

Ps, I would second NADMs idea that there is a lit of support out there, not just MN but not quite as easy to find too.

the ex became pg the first time she slept with DH, so certainly didn't wait as long as I did, and was always completely mental went ut came to money and contact. I just provided a suitable outlet for that (not that DH ever played into that one)
that might be what he told you anita
also what's with describing someone as 'completely mental'? nice.
there are alot of 'husband stealing predators' out there, but no one would actually admit to that on MN would they?

"lots of people are pregnant straight away from meeting a partner" ? Not in my world, maybe in yours.

Is this the same poster as the dh whose "crazy" ex turned out to have been a child when he knocked her up? Ages and story seem very similar.

Quite apart from the idea that OW are 'husband stealing predators' (yes, the poor men never had a chance did they....!) - what in actual fact can you base your insinuations on?

Do you regularly lie on MN, then, Mary? Because your posts suggest a great deal about your own character, honesty, and hang-ups.

where did I lie? I was just offering an opinion.
It is a public forum after all.
I do wonder about these poor hard done by stepmothers, yes.
Does that hit a nerve with you?

Some do

The point is that no matter what they have done in the past, the husband stealing predators on this board care enough about the DCs involved to seek advice on a public forum.

Of course, the DCs of a lot of feckless husbands are touted as innocent victims by their mothers for years afterwards - whereas the DCs lives are actually no different to than the '000 of DCs whose parents split for other (non-adulterous) reasons.
Why is that? Why is there more sympathy for children of adulterous parents, whereas in many other cases (such as hostility between a couple), it is considered better for the DCs if their parents separate?

what in actual fact can you base your insinuations on?n
my stepmother

where did I lie? I was just offering an opinion.
mary, you suggested that people lie on MN - that would seem to be a matter of 'who smelt it. dealt it.'

I do wonder about these poor hard done by stepmothers, yes. Does that hit a nerve with you?
Yes, it does indeed. I met my DH after his wife died and now I help him to raise two children. It is difficult. Nasty people make it more difficult.

But I am probably lying about that, eh?

besides, describing your husbands ex as 'completely mental' really is not nice.

My DH's ex got pregnant within a few months of being with him. Told him she was on the pill, and lied. Told him that she was allergic to rubber, and lied.

One of the reasons the marriage ended was when he heard her giving advice to a family member to "do, what I did -get knocked up by the first half decent bloke you can find and sponge off him for the rest of your life." She admitted this again to him on the phone and he recorded her to prove it.

Perhaps a huge reason why a lot of first marriages fail is because people have rushed into the first big relationship without proper thought and consideration.

For my DH a second marriage wasn't one he took lightly, and he was absolutely clear on what he didn't want from his next relationship.

I wonder if some of these first wives can't stand seeing their husbands truly happy with someone else because it's a more thoughtful relationship, or more in love with another woman, particularly if they are more successful, get on well with the DC's etc. It's just jealousy.