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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why do mums do this?

225 replies

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 14:54

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

OP posts:
OkOkOk · 06/08/2012 16:19

Yeah, I know there is overlap. Also, unlike some people who generalise, all along I've said that some second wives don't get the level of responsibility their husbands already have. Plenty do.

I really don't get how I can be berated for saying that second wives who are step mums should acknowledge their that their husbands share a history with another woman and have responsibilities to their first children. Some second wives/stepmums don't get that. The ones who DO get that won't be laughing at me, they'll be agreeing with me. The ones who don't get it, well, it'd take more than my posts to disabuse them of their naievety and selfishness.

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 16:26

I'm laughing at you, ok. And I have no custody , visitation, or maintenance issues. Yet I am still laughing at you. Maybe it is because your statement here :
second wives who are step mums should acknowledge their that their husbands share a history with another woman and have responsibilities to their first children.
is disingenous. After all, not one person here has argued that men do NOT have a responsibility to their children. SO what is it you really have a problem with, I wonder?

Gigondas · 06/08/2012 16:34

I am resting here in bed recovering from
Chemo- dh off on holiday with dsc and dc as I didn't want them to lose out on their holiday cos I was sick. But heigh ho I am a nasty second wife etc etc

Sorry for hi jack but the tired rubbish about step mums, ex wives etc posted on here makes me fed up. ESP when people come on here posting in good faith for help.

ThePigOnTheWall · 06/08/2012 16:42

"mums" don't "do this". Some are perfectly reasonable you know.

Some "dads do this" too

Don't generalise about all step families please

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 16:42

Gigondas, it's not the same in scale of course, but I also just gave up going on holiday and sent DH off with the DSCs, when a crisis came up for me. That's the kind of thing we do all the time, as mums and stepmums... But yep, we are still selfish nasty and all the rest...

I hope you do have some family or friends to support you while your DP and kids are away? And I wish you all the best with the treatment. x

ThePigOnTheWall · 06/08/2012 16:46

Or what Gigondas said.

Hope you're feeling OK Gigondas and the chemo is doing it's work

Gigondas · 06/08/2012 16:47

Am doing ok brdgrl and it's nice to know that all family having a nice holiday. Am being spoiled here by dsis .

But your post (and other poster) just indicates no stereotypes (bet there will be some more posts tho Hmm).

ThePigOnTheWall · 06/08/2012 16:49

Its!! Its!! Blush

Gigondas · 06/08/2012 16:50

I have chemo brain so didn't spot that Grin

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 16:56

The irony of you all complaining about stereo types!

Did you notice the thread title?!

ThePigOnTheWall · 06/08/2012 17:01

Yes I did Amber. Your point is?

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 17:11

You mean the thread title: "why do mums do this?"

That choice of wording is not really stereotyping.

As a mum, i am not offended, nor do i feel stereotyped. Do you think that the OP ought to have said "why do some mums do this?" Would it really matter? No, because the aggression on this thread has not been towards "mums" (which almost all of us are) but towards stepmums and second wives. The OP's question has actually been buried in a flood of tired portrayals of stepmums as selfish man-stealing adulterers.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 17:18

Amber Give it a rest, thats all you ve talked about in this thread, is the title! You only need to mention it once, ok i know it should of said SOME but i didnt think, no need to keep going on about it.

OP posts:
OkOkOk · 06/08/2012 17:27

I don't have the problem bdgirl. Confused but i read a lot of posts from second wife step mums who get upset, and if they understood better that their husbands can't erase decades of their lives and relegate older children when new ones come along, then well, there'd be fewer threads like this.

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 17:35

My point is its six of one half a dozen of the other.

You get stereo typing and assumptions from both sides.

Littlesugaplum. No actually that isnt all I've talked about on this thread!

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 17:40

I don't have the problem bdgirl. but i read a lot of posts from second wife step mums who get upset, and if they understood better that their husbands can't erase decades of their lives and relegate older children when new ones come along, then well, there'd be fewer threads like this.

what, because the Op's problem is that she expects her partner to erase his past life and relegate his older children? That's not even close to what the OP was about. Hmm

So perhaps by "threads like this" you just mean posts from stepmums more generally? That our issues (whatever they are) are self-inflicted? That we (oh, sorry, some of us!) expect our husbands to erase their past and relegate their children...This is what you have taken from your extensive perusal of the stepparenting board?

You still sound very silly. You admit that you don't have any experience of the situation, though, so I guess your ignorance is understandable. Thank you for acknowledging it.

brdgrl · 06/08/2012 17:41

How am I stereotyping anyone, Amber?

exoticfruits · 06/08/2012 17:42

I think that you are doing the right thing origamirose by just being the stable, loving presence - forge your own relationship and refuse to get drawn into any arguments - just ignore them and stick to a set phrase such as 'mummies always do as they think best' and change the subject.

Oshposhnosh · 06/08/2012 17:46

I'm a step parent and now have ds full time as mum literally just gave her up! The years of shit ive had off her is a joke bearing in mind I bring her child up financially and emotionally! Bottom line is they can live their lives how ever they wish, get married and have more children but the dh and partner gets shit regardless! About time these mums start appreciating us step parents for welcoming their kids into our homes and showing them love.....it could be a very different story!!

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 17:49

well said oshposh

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 17:58

Brdgrl. I don't mean you specifically. I mean in general on this thread/SPboard.

The way some posters relate their own individual experience and then speak as if every single exw is like that is ridiculous! As ridiculous as when a first wife does it about her situation!

As I said it happens on both sides.

PenisVanLesbian · 06/08/2012 17:59

those poor children, with each parent rushing into new relationships and new children within about 5 minutes, its about time you stopped all thinking about yourselves and started thinking about those children that probably feel unloved and abandoned.

OkOkOk · 06/08/2012 18:03

brdgrl, i have no idea why you find any of this amusing, nor why you're zoning in on me. You're arguing over nothing here. I'm entitled to my opinion which is that some step mums-second wives are naive and wish the first family would go away. I've read enough threads on here to know that that women who think like this exist. I also sadly have two friends who are married to men who have children from previous marriages /relationships and their attitude is not great either. I say nothing but I think it's ugly that side of them, grudging maintenance and other stuff I won't go into on line.

I don't think your issues are with me but you've chosen to attack me and you are quite snide and unpleasant, telling me that you are laughing at me Hmm what an odd sense of humour you have. I'm not ignorant thank you very much. No more 'ignorant' than anybody else on this thread.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 18:05

penis So i cant have children when i like or when i feel ready to because the other children feel unloved and abandoned??

I shouldnt have to wait till anyone else is ready for a new baby.

I dont mean that disrespectfully to my step children at all.

OP posts:
nkf · 06/08/2012 18:10

Possibilities:
They hate seeing less of their children and that makes them angry with their ex.
They don't like another woman being close to their children in the step mum role.
They don't like their ex because he was a shit to them.
They might be unreasonable generally.
The kids aren't being totally truthful about what their mother says.
The kids might be giving their own point of view but disguising it as their mother's.

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