Why do mums do this?

[LittleSugaPlum]

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

nkf They are very good points.

The kids aren't being totally truthful about what their mother says.
The kids might be giving their own point of view but disguising it as their mother's. Would they do this at such a young age?

well that comment sums up a terrible attitude "I'll do what I want when I want and fuck everyone else". Whether you mean it disrespectfully, it is.
I say it again: poor children.

OK, I'm hardly attacking you by a) disagreeing with your analysis and b) pointing out that you have no actual experience of the subject. But you have made inflammatory statements on a topic you admit to having very little insight and no firsthand knowledge of, and it is unreasonable of you to expect them to go unchallenged.

I thanked you for giving me a laugh, because your post (the one about how 'empathetic' you are) contrasted stepmums and first wives, which is silly as so many stepmums were themselves married before and so have the firsthand experience of being both 'ex' and 'stepmum'.

You then said that "The ones who DO get that won't be laughing at me, they'll be agreeing with me. The ones who don't get it, well, it'd take more than my posts to disabuse them of their naievety and selfishness."

I don't agree with you. That makes me, apparently, naive and selfish - despite the fact that you have absolutely no reason or evidence to levy such a charge against me. In fact, you see, it is you who is attacking me, by calling me naive and selfish without any reason to do so.

I think it is therefore reasonable for me to let you know that I am, indeed, one of those who is laughing at you. Maybe you should entertain the idea that your views are, in fact, laughable.

I didnt mean it like that, but what i meant was that children or anyone else should not decide when anyone should have a baby, providing you and your partner are both happy with it.

Children do not dictate parents lives, change happens all the time, and if children can adapt well to that when they are younger, they will be easily more adapting to situations when they are older.

And i dont mean that childrens feelings and emotions should not be taken into consideration, just that a decision should not be totally based on how it will affect the children.

Would you have another baby into your family if it was your OWN child who wasn't ready/needed more attention/had the family unit broke?

I don't mean THIS disrespectfully, but this is why * some stepmums/second wives feel hard done by. They don't fully fully fully grasp that their husband's first child(ren) are in everY way equal to any children they may have.

But LSP, quite often there is only so much time and money and attention to go round and men who wouldn't have had more children if they'd stayed with their first wives because,,,,, they couldn't afford it, felt busy enough etc... then go on to have more children with second wives. Then, cue threads from *some second wife step mums who don't acknowledge that the other children were there first. If you choose to bring children into a set of circumstances where there is one pot of money, one father, one weekend etc, one christmas day etc for two families, then there are going to be difficulties. I'm not surprised there are difficulties and I think it's massively simplistic to label anybody (on both sides) who struggles with this as 'bitter'.

I wish you and your husband and new baby all the best but don't ever forget that his children from the first marriage deserve the same quality of parenting from their father as your child deserves even though they are unlikely to get it now.

Would you have another baby into your family if it was your OWN child who wasn't ready/needed more attention/had the family unit broke?

Yes i would, but i ve never said the children werent ready for a new sibling, so dont understand why this question was asked.

I don't mean THIS disrespectfully, but this is why some stepmums/second wives feel hard done by. They don't fully fully fully grasp that their husband's first child(ren) are in everY way equal to any children they may have.*

My thread has not given any suggestion that this is how i feel - this is not how i feel, i think you are barking up the wrong tree here tbh.

LSP - you've got pregnant pretty quickly after meeting your DP. Of course that's your choice but there's something about that doesn't suggest calmness. It all sounds a bit impulsive to me. Why did she know about you after two weeks? Of course you wouldn't have met the children by then? You must have been pregnant without a few months of meeting him. Nobody's had time to get used to anything. Of course, it's your choice but choices have consequences.

Hark at you deciding about whether other peoples children have adapted well to change.
You clearly didn't think about those children at all when "deciding" about having a child, and you clearly don't think about them much now. No wonder their mother doesn't think much of you either, even if she is just as bad.
But its your husband who is really at fault here.

Would you have another baby into your family if it was your OWN child who wasn't ready/needed more attention/had the family unit broke?

Yes, I would. Having a child with my DP did more to cement our family (DH, me, and DSCs) than anything else could have done. DD has brought real joy into our home and especially to her older siblings. Did we ask them if they were ready? No. Would they have been concerned (and were we) about the attention DD would require? Yes. But it is good that we didn't let that stop us.

That may not be true for every family - but neither is it true that a new sibling is automatically a Bad Thing. The OP has no way of knowing what the long-term emotional meaning of a new sibling will be for her DSCs - anymore than I could know what the impact of a new sibling will be on my own DD.

What adults can and should do is work to make the addition of a new family member a positive thing for all, and that means every adult in the child's life needs to focus on that. That appears not to be happening in the OP's case.

Oh good grief! I suppose we're due another SM-bashing thread, we've not had one for a while!

I've had a fabulous afternoon out with DD and DSS - who I consider to be my family, even if others disagree - and tbh, the fun we've had today is all I need as evidence to know that overall, I'm not doing a bad job as a WSM, even if I fail to live up to the high expectations of those who think they could do a better job than me

The baby was planned but to be honest i thought i would have fertility problems and therefore thought that it would take me well over 12months to concieve which is why i came off the pill so early.

As it so happens, i was pregnant within 6 weeks and thats why a wedding and baby have happened in just over 12 months.

The OP asked why mums do this? Allowing for the irritating phrasing, I think she has been told some possibilities. Honestly, if you can't see that being a step mother is complex and being the ex wife of someone who has a new wife is complex and that complexity often leads to difficult behaviour... then really!

LSP - how old are you?

NADM, I'm not bashing step mums, more a particular train of thought wrt greater entitlement that is NOT uncommon amongst stepmums who go on to have their own children. And good for you NADM, I never said I doubted that there are many step mums doing a great job and getting it right. I NEVER said that. I have had one point to make all along and I was 'bashed' for it. bdrgirl really let rip there earlier calling me ignorant and so on.

LSP, you were pregnant within 6 weeks of meeting a man who already had two children?? I'm sorry but if that were my x I would almost feel sorry for him.

LSP, you were pregnant within 6 weeks of meeting a man who already had two children?? I'm sorry but if that were my x I would almost feel sorry for him. NO!! I was pregnant 6 weeks after coming off the pill!!!

Im not that stupid - good grief!

I apologise LSP

no, it was like a whole 4 months, totally different.

four months is like four years when you're .......... how old? just wondering?!

How old are you, LSP?

penis it was 7 and a half months i was with DH for when i fell pregnant

That should not be the reason why im having problems with the exp, and if you read my messages properly, it does state that the exp is currently pregnant and in a relationship. But nobody has said how that affects the children, just what affects it has on the children if there father does it.

Im 25 years old, not that my age makes a difference.

Yeah I would like to know. Because I've been accused of stepmumbashing when that's not what I did. I singled out a particular attitude which does exist.

I don't want to patronise younger stepmums either, some would be wise beyond their years! but I'll hold my hands up here and admit to not having as much empathy/wisdom/tolerance when I was younger. Things were black or white. I'm ancient now, and every year you take on board a few more friends' experiences, their side of something, your brothers divorce, one sister can't have kids the other is having twins... all just part of life and growing older and it 's not a criticism but to be pitched into the middle of a family in your mid 20s,,, that would be HARD :-/

I think you can take it as read that the children are letting their mother know their feelings about her new partner and the new baby.