Why do mums do this?

[LittleSugaPlum]

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

We don't, it just makes her feel justified in insulting me! Its so crap isn't it
I do wonder how many of these new stepmothers were marriage breakers

I've never met my DSDs mother, I didn't think it was that weird?

My DH has met her DH (not a formal meeting but just happened to bump into him) but she hasn't ever felt the need to meet me, even though I sometimes have sole care of her DD when my DH is working.
I do wish things were more friendly between us but that has been her choice for the past 6 years.

I do wonder how many of these new step mothers were marriage breakers

MaryHansack ? shame on you. Not all second wives were responsible for the break up of the first marriage. How disappointing that you stereotype in this way.

NADM all too often the signs are there, but are ignored by the couple who think that it'll get better or that the ex will 'get used to it' This is very very true.

Afew weeks before the wedding, i was in tears at my mums saying that if this is how the rest of my life was going to be then i didnt want to get married.

My mum (who thinks DH is a great bloke) said that i couldnt let someone's bitterness destroy my relationship, as if everyone did that then all men or women with children from a previous relationship with a bitter ex would be single for the rest of their lives.

MaryHansack - this is the sort of stereotyping us step-mums come up against every day. There are a whole load of us out there who were not the OW and who are doing all they can to ensure that these kids who have had to endure the separation of their parents grow up feeling loved.
And you know what - even if the step mum was the OW NOTHING justifies the way that children are dragged into conflict between two adults, nothing.

Unlike the OP who didn't stereotype at all!

Listen, some second wives of men who have children can be very naive. And I only formed this conclusion from reading posts on the internet! obviously I wouldn't know otherwise that grown women seriously enter into marriages with men with children and don't seem to fully understand that although 'sexually' and 'romantically' he is theirs, he is already up to his neck in responsibilities and shares a history that can't be erased with another woman and not just any old xg but the mother of his children.

Not all second wives were responsible for the break up of the first marriage.
the key word here is 'all' I think

grown women seriously enter into marriages with men with children and don't seem to fully understand that although 'sexually' and 'romantically' he is theirs, he is already up to his neck in responsibilities and shares a history that can't be erased with another woman and not just any old xg but the mother of his children
well said OKOKOK

See, I get this, but from the other side! My ex moved on straight away with the ?OW, but I stayed single, separating mummy life and my life, until Iet DP, nearly 2 years ago.

My ex has attempted to lay down the law, been negative, clearly anti my DP, obviously doesn't like DP being in our lives, makes up allegations about him and has successfully influenced DD1 into being very anti, which makes life much harder work than it needs to.

I have had loads of things said in front of the children by him and his DW, but have never (and would never) do the same to him.

It's not just mums who do this - the question should be 'why do some people do this'?

OK I genuinely hope for you that your experience of this topic continues to be gained from the internet and not from real life experience.

FWIW I agree that the OP's stereotyped by not not putting 'some Mums' in the title. I also know that there are many Mums out there who work really really hard to put their kids well-being first (I'd like to think that most Mums do). However, there are some parents who put their own bitterness ahead of their children's happiness and stability. I hate to say it but not only do I have personal experience of this, it is also backed up by my professional experience.

ps, re-reading some of the earlier posts from sugarplum a few pages back now, and the xw may be lashing out but the content of her texts seems to be checking her xh's priorities; that he will still value HER children. Her fears wouldn't be totally grounded. I think it's common for men to move on and prioritise their more convenient children. No all Dads, but OP, he will be living with your child. Maybe IF your husband really is a decent guy, he could reassure his xw that his children from their marriage will ALWAYS be prioritised equally with your child(ren). Or, hand on heart here sugarplum, would you hold back from giving her that message for fear that the sentiment is not really behind it?

agree Berris.

orgamirose, what a misguided remark. I have the maturity and selflessness to understand that any father I become involved with must prioritise his children over me!! And if my x gets married, good luck to him he'll need it

Origamiros, I have personal experience of putting my children's happiness first too. You don't have a monopoly on that one!

OK - I don't have my own children and have chosen not to have any children with my DP as bringing new children into this fucked up situation will not do anybody any good at all. So I can assure you... the monopoly is all yours.

ok DH could say the same to exp about her not prioritising her new baby over the elder children.

The children are now saying that they dont like mums partner and dont like living there and want to live with us.

The children used to really like her partner, they were always telling us things he'd done with them etc.

But i have thought that maybe as the new baby is nearly here, and its her partners first child, maybe hes putting alot of focus into the new baby and not doing much with the kids. I dont know, its just a guess.

MaryHansack do you 'wonder' how many single mums are single because they had affairs, too? Do you post that on the LP board? Or is it just is step- mums that are fair game?
Thats a rhetorical question btw - after 2 years, I know only full well how maligned and vilified stepmums are by some mothers!

huh! You said you had personal experience of putting children first! Well good for you, and I honestly mean that because some second wives really don't get it. That IS evident online, whether or not you are ashamed to align yourself with that 'camp' or not.

And you rather snidely and patronisingly said you hoped that my experience of step parenting remained limited to the internet. I think those remarks were misplaced. I understand that fathers can't (or shouldn't) prioritise subsequent batches of children, nor shoudl they prioritise a subsequent relationship over their children. Plenty do of coures but if they were really decent men/fathers they wouldn't.

I would make a good step mother because I have empathy and can empathise with the first wife, unlike some of the naive aritcles that pout on line. I would not be attracted to a man who did n't honour his responsibilities as a father though. It would be a real turn off.

ok When you marry somebody or have childre with somebody who has children with someone else, you do not expect his priority to be to the children who he had first.

His wife and ALL of the children he has should all be his EQUAL priority. Nobody should get priority over the other, they all come first in his life.

Come on its the same all round on here.

Ex wives are always irrational harpies and new wives/step mums are saints who weren't involved in the break up of the marriage! Stereo types abound on here tbh. I have seen two threads where someone who posts on here has name changed to ask advice about a marital issue and has admitted to being the other woman. So clearly it is the case for some.

FFS Maryhansack
That's the first question we get asked as stepmums as if that would justify the appalling treatment dished out to us!
Not many of us were the OW actually but it is always assumed that we all were

I am happy to accept that my DP puts his childrens needs before that of our relationship. I'm proud he is such a good dad.

I know he loves me I don't want or need him to prove that to me by showing that I'm as important as his kids?! I find that notion bizaare

Kaluki I think that question is asked as it explains not justifies any ill feeling from the exw.

I would not be attracted to a man who didn?t honour his responsibilities as a father though, that would be a real turn off

I think lots of step mums would agree with your comments, however some fathers blur the line between ?honouring their responsibilities? and ?disney parenting? which is why many step mums find themselves posting here.

There are plenty of perfectly decent second wives (who weren?t the OW) who find themselves living in households where an 8 yr old (for example) from the first marriage calls the shots, and this is unhealthy for all concerned, particularly the 8 yr old.

There are also men who ?honour their responsibilities? to their ?first family? children to the detriment of the ?new family? children. Again, I?m not sure if this is particularly honourable either.

Good intentions are great, but the execution of those intentions is a different matter entirely.

My DH does not prioritise his older kids over our marriage, over our family or over his younger child. I find the notion that he should, bizarre.

And no, he did not prioritise his children over his First Wife, either. That is probably why they had a happy marriage. :)

I would make a good step mother because I have empathy and can empathise with the first wife, unlike some of the naive aritcles that pout on line.

Thanks for the laugh.

You do realise that many of the stepmothers here are ALSO first wives, right?