Why do mums do this?

[LittleSugaPlum]

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

I don't have statistics! but if my x went on to actually marry somebody else, and have children with her, and my children went to stay in their house then yes I would want to meet her. Taht doesn't seem too demanding to me. I guess that I just can't buy the 'blended' notion if there are still two central characters in the 'blend' who have never even met and never intend to! seems like a collision not a blend.

I'm not saying that I myself will be able to navigate these difficulties when/if they come. I think the whole situation is so problematic.

I haven't et XHs new partner - there's been no need. They've been together a couple of years and she met the DC about a year ago I think. I have no problem with her or her relationship with the DC and definitely would never say anything nasty about her to them.

I now have a new BF who the children haven't met yet but I've only been seeing him for about 3 months and I think it would be a bit for the DC to keep meeting new people at the moment. Will do it at some point though. I think it's unlikely that BF and I will live together imminently although it is a sort of long term plan :)

Miranda, I wouldn't want to meet my x's new gf either, but that's a bit different, my kids haven't met her because they don't live together and she 's not pregnant with their half sibling!

I think some people (just talking generally here) call any old trainwreck a blended family without actually doing the groundwork involved to blend.

ExP can be very bitter. The trouble is that they develop a "I don't want you, but no one else can have you either" mentality.

I don't even think they can extend it as far as thinking about their children. It's a selfish, nasty perspective that they develop and they will stop at nothing to destroy the happiness of an exP.

I would tell your DH that he needs to tell her to back the fuck off. Personally, I would tell her that any issues she has are between her and him and if she contacts you again, I would go to the police and report her for harassment.

There is no excuse to behave like a petulant child. And the old chestnut "put the children first" is just bullshit when she is trying to destroy YOUR life when all you did was marry him.

She didn't actually text you but your DH relayed what she said about you?

You did text her? You didn't mention that on your other thread did you. It was just the implication that she has bombarded you entirely unprovoked!

Your DH sounds like he likes women squabbling over him tbh.

You sound like you think nothing you do has a bearing on the outcome.

How old are you OP?

And you're still saying 'why do mums do this?'

some mums.

And if said partner has a habit of trying to destroy your life without evening bothering to meet you, and therefore it's NOT really "about the children", I wouldn't want to meet her either.

This whole "you're not a parent so she is perfectly able (as a mother) to be a bitch because she's not met you" is pathetic. Why can't she be the adult and say "hey - let's meet! I promise not to be a c**t and we can see if we can spend 10mins together without me pulling my claws out"

NADM i agree with what you are saying. Step parenting/blended families is really hard!

The texts say things like "You need to stand up to her, shes walking all over you" "Your girlfriend is a muppet" "Theres not just littlesugaplum in your life, you need to get your priorities right" "I always thought you would put the kids first" "When your baby comes along, i can see you fucking the children off because of her" etc etc

The 8year old said afew weeks ago

"Dad, who do you prefer? Me, my brother or littlesugaplum?"

I was gobsmacked when i heard that, as thats not normally something a child would come up with by themselves.

She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him

It's fairly normal. Chat to a divorce lawyer about the nasty side of divorce :(

amber If you met my husband, then you would know that believe me, he does not enjoy this. Im 25.

Actually, for some proof on ExP and bitterness, just read some of the responses.

ok my 'blended family' does not include my DSC mum - or my exH! I am not a part of their families, either

My understanding of a blended family is one who share family life (part or all of the time) despite not sharing ALL the same genetic background. Your DCs can be a member of a family that you are not a part of. That doesn't in any way minimise the place they have in your own family, too.

I don't have DCs with my DP - our blended family consists of me, DP, my DD who lives here half the time, DSS who lives here 2 days a week and half of school holidays, and DSD who is rejoining our family after choosing not to be a part of it.

"You need to stand up to her, shes walking all over you" "Your girlfriend is a muppet" "Theres not just littlesugaplum in your life, you need to get your priorities right" "I always thought you would put the kids first" "When your baby comes along, i can see you fucking the children off because of her" etc etc

What has he/you done to make his ex think that you are walking all over him?

Kicktheguru. Was that for me?

I've been split from my ex for 5+yrs he's still with the woman he had an aFfair with and she spends time with my children. I'm absolutely fine with that too. I have a civil chatty relationship with my ex and my children are all the better for it. Exes DP has never txt me or entered into any dialogue with me even in the early days when my ex despite having 'moved on' before we split was having a hard time accepting our break up.

OP you say your DH isn't enjoying this? Honestly from where I'm sitting the situation is of his making. He told you things she was saying and then I assume gave you her number so you could txt her. Why on earth did he do that?!

@ kicktheguru, I don't think it's 'pathetic' to want to meet the woman who will be your children's step mother! I am not in this position YET but it may be coming. When it is, I will be perfectly civil to her. (I will keep private my pity for her marrying a man I know is selfish and controlling).

No, it's not 'pathetic' to want to meet the woman who will be spending a lot of time with your children that anybody would think something so straightforward was 'pathetic'.

In the OP's case, I agree with the poster who says the husband needs to open up the lines of communication between the two women in his life, and sorry but the mother of your children is going to be a 'woman in your life' and I think there's a lot of naivety on the part of second wives wrt (if they don't already have children that is).. Two women who've never met at loggerheads and what is he doing??? Saying 'she said this about you'. and stoking it all up!!

I'm always a little sceptical when an ex wife/partner wants to meet with the new woman in her ex husband's life. This is often thinly disguised as "for the benefit of the children" but I think it smacks more of "wanting to check out the new woman" or "trying to cause trouble." Yes, the new woman will most likely spend lots of time with the children from the first marriage, but if you apply the "I must meet all new people in my children's life" policy, then what about school teachers, neighbours, parents of friends etc etc?

But if the two women do meet and get on OK, then great - but what if they don't?

Well, I left my x and have no interest in him. He stalked me for years after I left him. Unfortunately though as much as I'd love to cut the man off stone dead I have to acknowledge that having children with this man links me to him forever shit

wrt mothers insisiting on meeting the new step mums, there are no other circumstances in which I'd send my children off to spend a weekend with a stranger! I have met my children's friends' parents and their teachers.

But, in my case, it won't happen, my children's Dad is a total deadbeat tbh. The presence of a woman (even a young selfish one who has no comprehension of how children connect you to somebody for the rest of your life whether you like it or not) could make him any more thoughtless.

okok I don't consider that send my DD off to spend a weekend with someone I've never met - the time she is with her Dad, he is responsible for her - and I accept that. His choice is who she meets, sleeps under the same roof etc- that's not something I can control or influence.

As her Dad, with PR, I have to trust him - he is an equal in DDs life! He can consent to medical & dental treatment for her totally independently from me and he could, if he wished, choose to become her primary carer - my only recourse would be to challenge that in court.

I gave up any notional right that I may have had to control my DDs life the second I ended my marriage - and that including veto'ing who DD is cared for by, and spends time with, when she is not in my own care.

Like it or not - us mums don't have any additional say over and above Dad.

Agree with that NADM.

What they do and who they do it with when they are with their dad is really not my business.

It baffles me why you would want to meet your DPs ex or your ex's new DP!!!
What possible good would it do anyone - definitely not the dc. Like NADM I trust my ex to be responsible for my dc when they are with him, and that includes trusting his judgement on who they spend time with.
To answer your question OP there are a million reasons why ex wives can be so bitter and nasty, in my case I think she hates that I make him happy (happier than she did maybe?). She doesn't want to see him happy and settled, she wants him to fail and be miserable because she is spiteful and mean.
My definition of a blended family is a Mum and Dad and a variety of kids belonging to one or both of them all trying to be a family. Its not an easy thing to do and the main problems usually come from the outside influences of the ex wife.

I would like to share my experience... I hope I am not hijacking here...

My DP's exW is a challenging character. I believe that she actively hates me and I think that she deliberately puts pressure on my relationship with DP. I was not the OW (she left DP because she was no longer in love with him and had had an affair with someone else - that affair ended shortly after the divorce). DP and I met shortly after the children/parents had been told about the divorce - he was living in a friend's flat. ExW has told both children and anyone else who will listen that we had an affair and that I 'wrecked their marriage'. Not true. Very difficult to manage with eldest child.

Not very long ago DSD (8) took a photo of me and her home to her mum's. Neither DP nor I knew that the photo had gone. It came back the next weekend and had been drawn on in marker pen - spots, moustache, glasses the whole lot. DP asked what happened, said that it wasn't a kind thing to do, DSD hysterical with tears - said that mummy did it for fun and that she hadn't put it in her bag to bring here...

This is typical of the situation that we face on a regular basis. I have not met their mum but would like to. I engineer situations so that we can say hello to each other but whenever the mum knows i'll be there she refuses to drop kids off or whatever. DP has asked directly that we meet and she has refused 'wouldn't be seen dead with that homewrecking bitch'

It goes on and on. After 2 years of this I have decided (rightly or wrongly) that the only thing I can do is be a stable, kind and loving presence in the children's lives. I can't change their mum but I can show both children how normal adults behave. I am frightened of the impact that this fucked up situation will have on the children as they get older but have to accept that there's nothing I can do about it.

What's even more frightening is that I don't think my situation is that unusual.

Never met DSDs mum, met her grandma, brands, and great-brands, but not her. She hates me with a passion, always has. I don't know why, and never will. She actively ignored DD when she was in in the car and needed to come out to see DSD one time (very long story, not worth going into). She's went mad when DH posted that I was pg on his FB that she doesn't have access to.

She's said she hopes I die in a plane crash, and that obviously DH can't love DSD as much as she does as DSD is the only person she has to live whereas he has two children and a wife. I wasn't the OW, and there were plenty of OM.

I don't think its that unusual we've never met. She tells DSD all sorts of bullshit about me. I just smile and nod. I've never spoken badly of her in front of DSD. I've corrected facts (such as only bottlefed babies are special, no all babies are special) but that's as far as it goes.

I find phases such as 'but darling mummys never met me, so how would she know?' and 'now what do you think?' and 'mummy must have been confused/mistaken' very useful in these situations!

origamirose That is awful!! Your situation sounds much worse than mine, it makes you wonder whether it is worth it.

plum that's a question a lot of SM wish they'd asked themselves early on in their relationship - all too often the signs are there, but are ignored by the couple who think that it'll get better or that the ex will 'get used to it'

My DP and I put the breaks on our relationship several times due to one or other ex's behaviour with regard to a step-parent in their DCs lives; eventually, DP sought a court order so that contact was not used as a weapon against him; unfortunately, his DD was old enough for the court to issue a recital that was based on her wishes - and it's surprisingly easy for a mother to convince a 12 year old that she doesn't want to spend time with her dad through the use of bribes and threats

I?ve never met DH?s ex wife. There?s never been any need. I met DH two years after he split from the ex, there was already considerable hostility between the two of them, and there would have been no benefit WHATSOEVER in trying to have any sort of relationship with her.

She wasn?t interested in meeting me either. I?ve heard numerous times (on the grapevine) that she?s re-written history and told people that DH left her for a younger woman (ie, me) but the important people know the truth.

She wouldn?t be bothered if DH was living with Myra Hindley. All she?s bothered about, is DH removing DSS from her premises EOW, and what goes on during those times is of no interest to her whatsoever. Quite sad really.