Why do mums do this?

[LittleSugaPlum]

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

Okay - now I'm thinking that you're not doing SM as a collective any favours, OP - you started deliberately trying to conceive a baby with a man 4 months after meeting him?

I can understand why anyone might question the judgement of the adults who consciously decide that as a lifestyle choice - and when one of those two parties already has parenting responsibilities, I can see how that might be cause for concern.

Has your DP sought professional advise as to how best to support the DCs through the myriad of changes that are happening in their lives? Youth counselling and play therapy is excellent

Just seen that you are 25 and it does make a difference. It really does. Everything I say after this point will sound patronising but motherhood brings a certain kind of wisdom to most women. As does age and experience. You haven't had the kind of experiences that make you realise what an emotioanl minefield you are in.The idea of fearing infertility at 25 is astounding as well. You've rushed into a situation that you don't have the emotional maturity to understand. I wish you luck and I hope that it all works out well.

I agree with the last two posts. But honestly I do wish you well.

x

Im alot older in my mind that my age, always have been from a very young age, even now i have an old head on me.

It is hard, very hard in fact, but when you fall in love with someone, you will put up with anything - well almost, without being taken advantage of.

Nowadays most people you will meet who are single, have children by someone else, more so these days as parents are getting alot younger.

So its very common for step families nowadays, i just wish it wasnt common to have all the problems that come with it.

nope, 7 and a half months plus 7 months is not 12 months. Try again with your sums.

Also you say the mother has been in a relationship for several years and is now having a baby, so not analogous really. Especially since presumably her partner is parenting the children day to day whereas as you and your husband take them for one day a week. Why no overnights with their father, or more days?

NADM As i pointed out it was not 4 months, it was 7 and a half months, but when someone feels the time is right to have a baby - no-one has the right to judge that.

I totally get where you are coming from op.

DH's exP was vitriolic to him about the fact that he met someone first after they separated. She used her kids like pawns and always moved the goal posts.

He was ok as long as he had no life, and lived in single cheap accommodation and gave every penny up to her. He was ok as long as he turned up every morning to get the kids ready for school, picked them up every evening, cooked their tea, did homework and played with them, then put them to bed, took them out every weekend whilst she did what she pleased.

Little did I know when I started to date him 2 years later what I let myself in for.

The bubble burst & she went ballistic. Emailing to tell me she was having sex with him (on nights he was with me). Telling my employer I was on drugs. Telling the kids that I was a drug addict & their father was psychotic and used to beat her. Joining dating agencies in my name and getting men to contact me for sex, to try and get my DH to doubt me. Emailing fake messages pretending to be DH mailing his friends to tell them that he was using me for "money and f*cking" (she was totally peed off with the fact that I was a high earner)

He looked into full custody due to this & she calmed down. We moved in 5 months after. He discussed the SDC's coming to visit and it kicked off again. Because he lived with me, a dirty slut, she insisted the children could only visit if she came first and inspected my house and stayed also. And that DH and I would have to stay in separate rooms in case we got up to something disgusting with the children under the roof.

When I got pregnant she posted pictures of disabled babies on social network pages saying that my DS would end up like this as I was drinking through pregnancy. Her children had full access to these sites.

It's jealousy and insecurity for small minded people. Now she's remarried everyone can have the life they want and the kids can come and stay. But the damage of the hideous lies she told them took ages to repair. It's not the children i have a problem with. It's her reckless stupid behaviour and the influence she's had on them.

I bet OP's person doesn't say random nasty things to her kids about people in the street does she? The OP is an easy target for nasty behaviour.

My DH called and bollocked her every time. I maintained a dignified silence and that pissed her off even more. But now the children are getting older they realise that she was lying and unreasonable and one has actually stopped all contact with her.

penis it has been just over 12 months, please read the posts before you jump .

Their mother also has another child (after DH children) through an affair and was then left pregnant by a father that didnt want to know and two other children to look after - not a nice situation to be in.

Do you think she thought about the children then? probaly not.

We live too far away to see them any more, and we dont have them overnight due to personal circumstances, which are not relevent to this thread.

Iv never met my exHs new wife & i wouldnt want to as she does nothing but slag me off & critise me. She was the OW.
I have moved on (not in a relationship though) but shes jealous & thinks i want my ex back.

I can understand a little as to why she may be acting like this. She may feel that coz u are having a baby that her kids will be put last & not treated properly. I know that my exH & his new wife would treat their kids different to my dd.

myinnergold Just read your story and WOW! What a woman you are for putting up with that, i take my hat off to you, i really do, as i couldnt of put up with that.

TBH my husband sheltered me from a lot of it. I found out a lot of what she was saying later.

He wouldn't tolerate any of her behaviour. I think your DH should take the same tack op. Even if it's not because of you, she is putting his children in an awful position.

We live too far away to see them any more, and we dont have them overnight due to personal circumstances, which are not relevent to this thread

Is that all since you and your DH got together? I mean prior to ytour relationship did he live closer/see the kids more?

I have mentioned to DH about mentioning to the exp about keeping her thoughts to herself about me infront of the kids.
His reply was:

"Well i dont want her to know that the kids are telling us stuff, as the kids will get introuble for that and i dont want the kids to feel that they have to watch what they say when they are here or feel like they have to keep secrets from us, as she will still call you in front of the kids, but will tell them to not say anything"

Ok iv gone & read more of the comments.
OP can i just say how selfish u are. You meet a man who has kids, you get pregnant within 4 months and married after 12 months & you expect your husbands children to just get on with it.

What u should have done if you werent so selfish was meet the children after 6 maybe 12 months, gotten them into a routine of being around you and then gotten pregnant. Maybe then they wouldnt b acting like this.

*amber, yes DH did have them 50/50 when we first met, but DH moved away because of work and thats when we moved in together, plus the children also moved away, so if DH hadnt moved away then he still would of seen them as he does now due to them moving away.

Plus just before DH told the exp that he had to move due to work, she said she wanted the children back full time, so thats what happened.

wild you obviously havent read anything, as its not the children that have the problem, its the exp!! and i got pregnant after 7 and a half months.

Why do i feel like im constantly repeating myself, if you cant be bothered to read properly what i type, then why bother taking the time to respond?

Ok that makes it all a lot clearer.

'Work' is that the business you both run together ?

I can see why your DHs ex is in a flap tbh!

It sounds as though lots has changed since the start of your relationship and she is making you the focal point.

As I said at the start of your threads this is really down to your DHs behavior action but surely you can see why everything being different for the ex and the children could have a negative affect?

Yes thats the business that we now run together, but DH ran the business by himself prior to that.

Yes alot has changed, i accept that, but its all been good change, the kids now spend more time on outings with there dad, as i run the business when he wants to take them for a day out somewhere, whereas before he was tied to the business 24/7 and the kids were stuck indoors.

My point exactly LSP she can be pregnant bring another child into her family but you and ex cannot!! It's all bollocks!! Enjoy ur pregnancy and as hard as it is be a happy family if only to piss her off ha!! I'm mad now as I know exactly how you feel!! X

I did read what u had written. You said you will have a child when YOU want & the children will just have to get used to it.
This doesnt sound like a very caring & considerate step mother. Of course your DHs ex is going to have a problem with that. If i was her i would see that as u putting my childrens needs second.

osh it just to get me mad, and upset and make my blood boil, but it doesnt anymore, i realized that it wasnt worth getting upset over or letting her get to me.

wild the exp is pregnant too!

The two situations are going to be different to the children.

The situation with their mum having another child will be different to their dad having another child as they live with their mum & not their dad. They will probably feel jealous that their dads new baby spends more time with him than they do.

The children havent expressed any feeling of resentment or anger towards my pregancy, they are not the issue.

This was going on well before i fell pregnant or got engaged.