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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Why do mums do this?

225 replies

LittleSugaPlum · 05/08/2012 14:54

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

OP posts:
Oshposhnosh · 06/08/2012 19:46

I'm glad you have that attitude it defo helps!!! Good luck and stay happy :)

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 19:47

wild The situation with their mum having another child will be different to their dad having another child as they live with their mum & not their dad. They will probably feel jealous that their dads new baby spends more time with him than they do.

I full accept that, but the children dont have an issue with me, its the exp that has the issue, and thats why i started this thread.

OP posts:
WildWorld2004 · 06/08/2012 19:47

Of course the children arent going to tell you. My dd would love for me to have another baby but she hates that her dad has other children. She doesnt tell her dad this because she doesnt want to upset him although it upsets her that he sees his other children more. So to him there is no problem & if i were to say something his wife would act like you & blame me(the evil ex wife).

AmberLeaf · 06/08/2012 19:49

I too wish you well sugaplum but you are naïve to think that the children are totally unaffected by all this stuff that's going on. Even if you see no sign of it it may well be there anyway.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 19:53

Wild why would your daughter love you to have another baby, but isnt happy that her dad has had another baby.

The children told us 2 days ago that they dont like living at mums and want to come and live with us.

To me thats not the words children would say if they were feeling resentful of dads new baby

OP posts:
WildWorld2004 · 06/08/2012 19:55

I do not agree with her bad mouthing you but you dont know that it isnt coming from the children. My dd will tell me how she feels about her dad but wont tell her dad. There have been times when i have wanted to say something to my exH but havent. Maybe the ex isnt as strong as me & cant keep it to herself.

I think that your dh should speak to his ex & ask her what her concerns are.

WildWorld2004 · 06/08/2012 19:56

Oh how naive you are.
My dd is jealous that she doesnt see her dad as much as his other children.
Whenever my dd doesnt get her own way she wants to live somewhere else. Thats what kids do.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 20:00

DH has asked exp why she has such a problem with me and she insists she doesnt have a problem with me. dh says he doesnt beieve a word she says, must be because he knew her very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 20:04

*Wild i know exactly thats what kids do when they dont get there own way, but what i meant was if the children arent happy about dads new baby, they wouldnt say they wanted to live there, they would say they wanted to live at grandmas perhaps, who they are very close to btw

OP posts:
WildWorld2004 · 06/08/2012 20:18

Or maybe they want to live with their dad because they dont want to miss out on his time. Maybe they want to feel equal to the new born.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 20:20

I honestly dont know, only time will tell i guess when the baby is here.

I just hope they dont feel left out or resentment etc

OP posts:
tittytittyhanghang · 06/08/2012 20:21

My point exactly LSP she can be pregnant bring another child into her family but you and ex cannot!! It's all bollocks!! Enjoy ur pregnancy and as hard as it is be a happy family if only to piss her off ha!! - Couldn't agree more. Sometimes the double standards on mn and the utter crap spouted about step mums make me laugh.

NotaDisneyMum · 06/08/2012 20:31

sugaplum if the DCs are saying that they want to live with you - why did you put in your OP that you are worried because they seem uncomfortable with you?

If they're happy, then ignore their mums behaviour - if they're showing signs of conflict or anxiety - then I recommend counselling/play therapy - it helped a great deal with DSS issues.

Your story and posting style is very familiar though - have you posted before under a different name(s) maybe?

Slowcooker123 · 06/08/2012 20:31

MaryHansack- It was my post you quoted from. No, not the other woman, no not pregnant or "stealing her babies".

DP's ex likes to make up shit about me and him to tell the world to justify her horrible behaviour. She pretends we "indoctinate" the kids to hate her, when really they cry cause they don't want to go back to hers. She pretends we tell them to call me mummy, which is just a lie as neither of us have done so and they don't!

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 20:55

NADM when the kids came at weekend, they just didnt look comfortable, didnt seem themselves, i could quite put my finger on what it was, DH said he didnt notice, but then again hes not as abservant as me.

I think they seem happy, but then again im not sure?

I did post about 8 months ago, similar situation, but this is a different problem.

I do come on here alot, but rarley post. I have seen your name on here alot, especially the AIBU forum

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 06/08/2012 21:10

Is ths in step parenting? Shock

Crikey, if this is what passes for support here you'd be better off asking down the pub op. So, you've not to have kids until the exwife gives her blessing but she can move on and get pregnant whenever she likes?

Bollocks.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 21:13

perfumed some people have given good advice on here today, others well not so good advice.

Its a good job i dont take this to heart, and take what is said on here light heartedly!!

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 06/08/2012 21:17

Yes I can see the good advice, just wonder about the motives of some of the not so good 'advice'.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 21:20

Maybe they are bitter exp themselves i wonder?

Step mothers are often stereotyped as "wicked" thanks to cinderella! lol

And therefore whatever your story as a step mum, people will always assume you are selfish, dont want the children in your lives etc etc.

OP posts:
PenisVanLesbian · 06/08/2012 21:28

7 and a half plus 7 is 14 and a half months, not just over 12.

People don't assume bad things just because you are a SM. Its when you come across as selfish and unthinking, because you are. Lots of SM are fantastic. You sound like you need a lot more practice.

PenisVanLesbian · 06/08/2012 21:30

and in answer to your original question, maybe she just doesn't like you. Get over it.

Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 21:33

Penis im guessing your not a step mum? Cos your posts suggests you havent got a clue what your talking about, i came on here for advice from experienced step mums who may have been in a similar situation.

I didnt come on here for advice from someone who has no idea what they are talking about.

14months is just over 12 months if you think about it.

I come across as selfish and unthinking because i wanted to marry the man i love and have his baby and i didnt put a timescale on it?

Well shoot me now!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleSugaPlum · 06/08/2012 21:34

My question was how can someone not like you when they have never met, or spoken to or seen you!

OP posts:
OptimisticPessimist · 06/08/2012 21:34

So, you've not to have kids until the exwife gives her blessing but she can move on and get pregnant whenever she likes?

I think that it's more that if the DH thinks that his children's mother does not act in their best interests/that her having had subsequent children was not in their best interests (as the OP has implied), then surely rather than doing similar himself the solution would be to focus on providing the stability that the children may need? Instead he has got together with the OP, moved away, they have decided to TTC and achieved that and got married, all in the space of 14 months?

As a PP said, whilst I don't agree with the mother's behaviour here, I can see how she might attribute the DH moving away/any changes in contact etc to the presence of the OP. Some people find it very difficult to keep a lid on their feelings, especially if they feel the other party might be convinced of their opinion, or if they need reassurance that their children are still considered a priority. It really doesn't sound like the DH is prioritising the children any more than the mother is tbh.

PenisVanLesbian · 06/08/2012 21:38

No, you came here to stereotype an entire group that you have no experience of, and are surprised when you get the same back.

And you come across as selfish and unthinking because its all about you, what you want, why this woman doesn't like you blah blah blah, and when anyone mentions the children, you;re all yeah whatever, they'll be fine, they'll adjust.

Well ok, make it all about you, but don't be surprised when the children don't like you much either (which from what you've said is already pretty much the case). Blame their mother if it makes you feel better though.

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