Why do mums do this?

[LittleSugaPlum]

I ve been with DH for just over 12 months and married for just over 1 month.

He has two children aged 8 and 10 from a previous relationship who visit us every saturday for a full day.

Im currently 7 months pregnant with my first child. The childrens mother has been in a relationship for the past few years and is also expecting another baby.

However ever since meeting DH, his ex has had a big problem with me, (to this day i have never spoken to her, seen her or met her).

From the very start she has sent some horrible text messages about me calling me allsort, it all started within 2 weeks of me meeting DH. (Before i had met the children).

The has carried on ever since. If she isnt happy with something maybe childrens arrangements or anything like that, im always brought into it by her. (My DH has never mentioned her partner ever).

However now its started with her saying horrible things about me to the kids. (The kids tell me that their mummy is always saying very nasty things about me, but never about DH).

I have noticed that when the kids now visit, they avoid me, look uncomfortable, and never say hello.

So my question is Why do mums have this bitterness towards their exp new partners?

I have been reading on step parenting for quite sometime and it appears to be a very commom thing.

Is it because they dont want a sort of "mother figure" apart from them in their childrens lives?

maybe you coudl sit down with her and sort ot all out before you have the baby, say to her you understand it must be hard knowing her childrena re spending time with you and that all you want to do is a be a good and kind friend to the children.
see if you can disarm her defensivness

Maybe it's how fast you've moved with everything. I wouldn't be keen either.

lisaro i dont think thats the problem as her partner moved in straightaway so i doubt that would be the issue.

lisaro- You think that justifies her behaviour? They're married and expecting a child, why does the length of time have anything to do with it?

Op- Totally unacceptable for her to be texting you or bad mouthing you to the children. Not much you can do about the latter, except get your DH to speak with her and try and make her see the real outcome will be that the DC will be uncomfortable and upset.

She doesnt text me, she texts DH, she doesnt have my number. DH has spoken to her about this and she insisted that she didnt have a problem with me

That is very unacceptable that she is using the children in this, bad enough that she was texting horrible things, but to use her own children, terrible! What ever her reason, there is no excusing that behaviour. My DD calls my OH dad and her father didn't like that, which i can understand, but it was her choice. Could it be that she is worried that the children will start to see you as a mother figure too? Not that this excuses her at all! Have you thought of meeting up with her, clearing the air? Or maybe send a text, but keep all text messages for future reference if needed. I have always made a point of talking to my DD about her fathers new partners, he has had 2 in the 3 years we have been seperated. At first she didn't like the first one, but i spoke to her about it and she then started to get to know her and did like her in the end. The newest one, i've never spoken to, she used to give me dirty looks in the pub (drink in the same place) then one day i had a text from her, talking about my ex collecting his stuff and signing the divorce papers. Since then, we have texted a few times and when she came round with him to collect stuff, we spoke and were friendly. Not that i'm saying this would work for everyone though. However you try and combat this, good luck!

I have mentioned to DH about meeting her, and he said it wasnt advisable as it would end in a "slanging match"

I have texted her in the past, about what she says about me, and got loads of abuse! So never bothered again.

I am a single mother myself. I think it's just fear that step mums will think they are some way a mother to the child when they are not. I will not be happy with my children meeting my ex gf until they have been together a decent amount of time and I would want to meet her first. The same applies for my ex and me. Doesn't excuse her behaviour but I think it's hard to understand how it feels unless you are in that situation.

DH only communicates with her through text, very rarley through phone, or face to face. We are definatly not at each others throats, thats all one sided on her part, i dont retailiate.

Well you do retaliate as you texted her.

Why is your DP relaying her texts to you? He should deal with it , tell her he doesn't want to hear it, then ignore further texts and leave you out of it.

I texted her once, thats all. purple DH doesnt have a personal phone, only a business one, a business that we run together so i have access to the phone as much as he does, and therefore he tells me as he doesnt want me to find it and he hasnt already mentioned it.

The exp doesnt know its a business phone that i have access to.

DH doesnt like controntation or bad feeling, arguements etc and rather than achknowlege what she says, he 'd rather ignore it.

What does she actually say about you? This may give you a clue as to what her problem with you/the situation is.

I experience both sides of this.

I am a stepmum who has been so vilified by my DSC mum, that DSD has cut all contact with me and refused to speak to her dad for a year because of me, and DSS has received regular counselling and still has diagnosed anxiety
I was not the OW, but my mere presence in her exH life was evidence that he had moved on, that he no longer wanted her, and therefore, I was resented.

On the other hand, my DD has a DSMum who she has been close to in the past, but who has recently become more distant due to work, moving and wedding stresses which DD is aware of and doesn't want to make worse. I don't resent her role in my DDs life - BUT I do resent the fact that my ex renegotiated DDs care arrangement to place DD in her DSMums care in preference to my own, and that ex gives his DP an equal in DDs life alongside me and him.

Treading the fine line between being a loving SM and overstepping is not easy. I know that I've not always got it right - but i cannot understand why any parent would deliberately criticise and undermine a step-parent to a child, and then insist that the child spend time with the adult they have been instilled to fear.

I think that I would just ignore her. If the DSCs say that she says nasty things just say cheerily ' better not tell me then! ' and change the subject. When they come say 'hello' to them. I would make sure that DH goes out part of the time so they have to respond. Play games with them - do cooking. Involve them in preparation for their sibling. Take one of them out while DH has the other. Don't let yourself be sidelined - keep to being a person in your own right. Never discuss the mother.

My DP's ex is the same OP. Says pretty crap things about me to the kids. Tells them that they don't need to listen to me, to report back to her if I shout (!?) She has drummed into them so often that they "must never call slowcooker mummy" that the other day when the youngest accidently called me "mummy" he looked petrified. I laughed and said, silly sausage or something similar and the elder one said "oh no mummy is really going to tell you off" :( She also likes to tell people how awful I am (doesnt know me and I certainly wasnt the OW) and has started claiming that I and Dp get the kids to call me mummy too. We don't, it just makes her feel justified in insulting me! Its so crap isn't it.

I'm not reccommending biterness here, and I'm sure my x will start a new family......... but have some empathy!! you're pregnant yourself. Visualise yourself in four years or so having to (literally having no choice but to) hand over your child to an x you can't stand and his new gf/w. Seriously, it's not rocket science.

My x is so so so awful that actually the presence of a woman of any description could only be a reassurance. BUT it's not difficult to understand why mothers find it hard to hand over their children (even for a weekend) to a woman who is with the man they hate/love (either would be bad).

I am not in this situation by the way. I think my x is going to compartmentalise. He won't bring a woman with him when he sees the kids. I wouldn't introduce the kids to the man I'm seeing either.

"She doesnt text me, she texts DH, she doesnt have my number. DH has spoken to her about this and she insisted that she didnt have a problem with me hmm"

Ok, I'm going to be blunt here. You're married to and now having a baby with her xh, and the two of you have never met, despite the fact that her children spend every saturday with you. As a mother, and I know you're going to be a mother SOON, but you aren't a mother yet, I think it's odd that it's got to this stage and the two of you still haven't even met. I wouldn't like my children going off to spend every saturday (in part) with a woman I'd never met. I would find that unacceptable. I would insist on some sort of faux civilised meeting just to see what class of human she was.

I think you are 100% blaming her for "having a problem" with you when in fact the situation is awkward and a minefield. This is not the Waltons. Poeple don't always manage to rein in their emotions. I also wonder if your husband doesn't get some sort of kick out of the two of you sniping at each other. I wonder why he hasn't engineered some casual five minute meetings here and there to reassure both of you. Probably because his two worlds might collide.

I don't think that it is OP fault they haven't met - she wouldn't have had a problem with it (although she probably would with recent unpleasantness.)
I went out for quite a few years who had a DD and I didn't meet his ex - as we met after the break up it wasn't a minefield or awkward.
I don't see why it should be with OP , she had nothing to do with the breakup so you would think the mother would be thrilled that the DCs went somewhere friendly, where they were wanted and part of the family. Who wants their DCs to go to a woman who merely tolerates them?
I have always refused to be compartmentalised, and I certainly would refuse if I was about to have the DCs sibling - it isn't fair on the baby. OP doesn't have a family of 3 - she has a family of 5 - it is just that 2 of them have another family too.
I think you are doing the right thing,Slowcooker, just treat it very lightly and ignore. Make your own relationship and always be friendly. Take the opportunity to do things on your own with them and especially with one at a time while DH has the other. DCs value time and commitment.

whatif - the sentiment "staying single for the sake of the children" is one I am familiar with - but sacrificing your own life in order to protect your DCs from changes in their life is not necessary or desirable, IMO.

How do you think your DCs will feel, knowing that you and their dad exclude them from a significant part of your life (your relationship)? As they get older, they will undoubtedly conclude (as my DSD has) that they are the reason that you have not moved on and have chosen not to share all aspects of your life with a loving partner.

There are huge benefits for children to be part of a loving family unit - even if that is a blended one. It provides positive relationship models, gives them experience of sibling dynamics, and expands the range of hobbies, interests, cultures and traditions they are exposed to.

Unless there are abuse/neglect issues, there is no reason for either parent to find it hard for their DCs to be in the care of the other. DCs are not possessions to be owned - both parents have an equal responsibility towards them and neither parent has the right to assume that responsibility for themselves at the exclusion of the other.

Sensible post NotaDisneyMum. Having a blended family, with extra uncles and aunts, grandparents, cousins etc can only be good. You don't see these DCs in isolation-once you have your own DCs your parents are likely (you would hope) to treat the step children like equal members of the family with birthday presents etc.

Who would want their DCs to go to the step mother and have the step mother's mother treat the half siblings and ignore the step grandchildren?

I don't think children would buy the "blended" line when they know that their mum has not (ever) met the mother of their new half sibling. That's not really blended so much as "collided".

I'm not judging by the way. I may be in this situation one day myself. I have children, my x has a new gf who is years younger than I am and will no doubt want children! I want to meet somebody!

Is it unusual for mum and SM not to meet then?

I've never 'met' my DSC mum - although she's yelled abuse at me in the street - and my DDs SM and myself have spoken no more than a few words to each other when we have encountered each other in passing.