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Primary School Auties 11: 2023 is here

1000 replies

openupmyeagereyes · 03/01/2023 07:25

Thread 11.

This is a thread for the parents & carers of children with additional needs. Most of us have autistic/ADHD children in primary school, but anybody is welcome to join us to chat x

Links to previous threads below.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed
Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2
Thread 3
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3
Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4
Thread 5
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1
Thread 6
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1
Thread 7
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4303826-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-the-new-academic-year-thread-7
Thread 8
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4422100-Primary-school-auties-step-into-Christmas-and-the-New-Year-thread-8
Thread 9
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4502988-Primary-school-auties-thread-9-spring-summer-2022
Thread 10
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4592899-primary-school-auties-10-summer-and-beyond-2022?page=1

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6
carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 19/03/2023 11:07

You too Open. Low key in our house. Kids bought me some wine and biscuits although DS has already helped himself to a biscuit! 🙄🤣.

No news here much. School saying DS is doing v well at the mo. 2 weeks to go til Easter hols for us. It’s come round quick! Neither DS nor DDs school have been on strike so I’d forgotten about all that tbh!

Hope everyone is ok.

UnoQueenie · 19/03/2023 11:27

Wishing you all a lovely day! Quite low key here. Had a little lie in and going to open gifts soon. DS' school was open last week too so avoided any routine changes there!

Jules912 · 19/03/2023 12:59

Low key here too, but that works for me as exhausted. School on Friday was ok, reintegration meeting seemed to go well though as I suspected school were having more staffing issues than just the strikes and that's why the TA wasn't with her in PE ( she's actually a year group TA, DD doesn't have her own).

dimples76 · 19/03/2023 19:06

Further fallout from the strikes on Friday. Unfortunately my Mum collected DS on Friday so I just got a 2nd hand message from his TA that DS had 'hurt some children'

Yesterday I took DS to a whole class swimming party. As I feared DS was the only child who couldn't swim and apart from birthday boy's Dad I was the only parent in the water. Not my favourite way to spend a weekend but DS seemed happy despite being literally cordoned off from his classmates- there is a rope marking the point at which non swimmers are not allowed to go passed.

Today I had my Mum, sisters and families around for a tea party. DS found me getting ready difficult. He did help make some cupcakes but also told me that he wanted to murder me. Good job that I had low expectations! He perked up when his cousins arrived but then fell asleep at 3pm.

openupmyeagereyes · 19/03/2023 19:26

Oh dear dimples, we get that too sometimes. Charming isn’t it.

Glad ds enjoyed the party but I bet you were glad when it was finished.

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Jules912 · 19/03/2023 19:37

Oh dear @dimples76, hope next week is more settled and glad he enjoyed the party.

Ahna65 · 20/03/2023 06:59

Hope everyone had a nice Mother’s Day. Different date in NL. @dimples76 that sounds stressful but good he enjoyed the party anyway. Sorry he speaks to you like that, sounds really hard.

quiet weekend here trying to recover from a week of bad sleep.

Ahna65 · 20/03/2023 07:02

Oo maybe people here have tips. So we now have a nanny coming 2 days a week from 3-530ish. She is about 25 and has a background in developmental psychology, tbh I think this job is a stop gap for her before she finds something more permanent but enjoying having someone for now (the person for the other days already quit!)

on Tuesdays the SALT is here for an hour 4-5. We need the nanny before that in case we are working at the office but it does create a slightly awkward period where they are both here (and the SALT I think prefers the nanny not to be involved in the session). Any ideas for how I might (usefully) occupy her without giving her tasks she wouldn’t see as in her remit? She has a high hourly rate so want to make the most of it but equally doesn’t feel right to ask her do load the dishwasher type thing. SALT cannot switch to another day.

openupmyeagereyes · 20/03/2023 07:04

Ahna isn’t it useful for the nanny to be involved so that she can work with dd too?

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Ahna65 · 20/03/2023 08:06

@openupmyeagereyes yeah on one hand fully agree. On the other hand I can see why SALT doesn't love it bc nanny spent some years in the US and has a lot of (enthusiastic and well meaning) suggestions which I guess could come across as criticism. I'm sure we could ask her to try and just be in watching move, but I'm also nervous about losing this SALT as she already has been difficult to pin down and is one of the only ones with experience for pre verbal / non speaking autistic kids in our area. But you are right, the more who can be involved the better surely.

dimples76 · 23/03/2023 12:42

How's everyone doing?

I contacted DS's case officer to advise which special schools I would like her to consult. I went to visit a secondary one last week and also felt very positive about DS fitting in there (although prefer the one I saw the week before). I got quite a positive response from the case officer yesterday who confirmed that she'll be at the AR after the Easter hols. Clearly she thought that she had been too positive as she sent another message this morning - 'Just to be clear there are no guarantees for special...I don't want you to think its easy and automatic...' Perhaps I shouldn't have sent my reply which started with ' as a lone parent of a disabled child I never expect anything to be easy.'

I am also wondering if I have set my bar for behaviour really low. I had a call from DS's HT yesterday, she started with 'I have some disappointing news ...' I felt v worried but when she told me that he had flooded the toilets on a school trip to the church I was relieved - is there something wrong with me?! I was more worried that someone else had been hurt. Also a bit shocked that school let him go to toilets off site without supervision ...

UnoQueenie · 23/03/2023 14:35

@dimples76 totally agree with you, that's what would ho through jy mind if someone said that!
Don't let the LA 'manage your expectations '...if the anonymous shadowy 'panel' don't agree about the need for special placement, you can very happily inform them you will see them at Tribunal!

Jules912 · 23/03/2023 15:11

@dimples76 good luck with the school. Know all too well that impending dread when the school's number pops up on my phone, to the point the other week I was relieved it was to tell me DS was ill!
Still feeling a bit down about DD's suspension last week, even though she's been doing well since. We seem to have reached a bit of an impasse where she doesn't need an EHCP because she's being so well supported, but they struggle with anything that actually requires an extra staff member like the TA coming to PE with her.

Ahna65 · 23/03/2023 15:24

@dimples76 i think that’s exactly how you should have started your reply! Hope it pans out well.

we’re having a tough week (/month maybe, I lose track), sleep gets worse not better. 12-5 awake has become the new normal and now we don’t seem to get any ‘ok’ nights. We’ve emailed the doctor asking if there is some other medication we can try. I know they are very anti it (I don’t love it either) but we are absolutely desperate and just need her to get some sleep.

separately, we had an update from school that yesterday DD was asked (in Dutch) ‘what day is it today?’ And she replied (in Dutch) ‘Wednesday’. To be honest I find this near impossible to believe (the woman at school also seemed utterly shocked) - but who knows. She is an absolute mystery!!

dimples76 · 23/03/2023 18:50

Thank you for your supportive comments Ahna, Jules and Uno. Unfortunately I think that it will be off to the Tribunal I go again.

Sorry that things are tough - I don't know how any of you function with so little sleep

openupmyeagereyes · 23/03/2023 19:12

dimples hopefully you won’t have a battle on your hands and she’s just being pessimistic. Secondary school is completely different to primary as we all know, how large is the one ds would be in catchment for? Lay it on as thick as you can, you know what’s best for him.

I would have been relieved about the call too. Not great obviously but something many boys might have done I think. I would also have been very unhappy about the lack of supervision going to the bathroom. That’s not ok.

Jules glad dd is doing ok post suspension. Hopefully they can sort something out for PE. Is there anything else that would help? What does she find hard?

Ahna sorry sleep is so awful. It must be so hard for you both. It’s not good enough for the GP to do nothing. Great re the comment from the nursery, sounds like progress?

We had a rocky start to the week, though not ds’ fault. Today he had a great morning though and was at school until 12! He’s been awake since 3:15 though so hoping to get him to bed soon.

Has anyone watched the Christine McGuinness documentary? I thought it was very good. It confirmed my view that I don’t think I’m autistic though.

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carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 23/03/2023 23:05

Good to read your updates! Ahna, I feel DD may know it’s Wednesday! And great she can articulate it. DS would know but couldn’t say it. He could select it from a list.

Dimples keep positive! We heard all this about DS current school but they offered him a place with no issues. So you just don’t know!

Open, fab about school!

Its been a bad day here, I’m so ground down. Spent most of the morning in floods of tears. Not sure what to do or indeed if I can do anything, it’s a long snd weird story but I’ll try and summarise.

I mentioned the London private neurologist we saw last year who mentioned genetics. Well we saw her again in Feb for a follow up. She seemed to have changed her tune about that (said not necessary, another story) but had a proposal for DS to be prescribed a new to the market med which she really felt could help ‘speech and cognition.’ She was all for it, said it was def worth trying and wrote a report confirming. I was soooo bloody excited, no one has ever said anything like this before. Before it could be prescribed DS had to have various tests (bloods, all to be sorted by me), then I would get a call from her colleague asking a few admin type questions. Provided the bloods were ok we could start. Really really exciting.

Anyway I’ve absolutely killed myself to get these tests done for him. No one wanted to do as the request came from a private consultant. I’ve begged and pleaded the GP, been passed from pillar to post, spoken to every lab and hospital in the area, even had to take time off because it has been a full time job. Then of course had to haul DS for blood tests etc. it’s been awful. Then bloods had to be repeated because the hospital hadn’t done it right. BUT got it all done, tests fine, so I stupidly excitedly waited for the colleague (not a dr I would add) to ring me to take the admin details. It’s taken me WEEKS. But on the back of what she said and wrote I’ve been super hopeful.

So she rang yesterday (the colleague) and her first point was that she didn’t think this med was appropriate for DS (for reasons I won’t go into.) I had raised this specifically with the consultant at the outset and had been reassured 100 pc it was appropriate. On that basis the colleague said she wasn’t going to take the info. I was fairly indignant and said yes but the consultant has recommended. She said she would speak to the consultant. I fully expected an apologetic response from consultants PA about this woman but what did I get this morning? An email from the consultants PA saying that on reflection, the colleague was right. And so no, DS wasn’t suitable for trying this.

i am so upset. Not about the money (££££ to the consultant), or even the inconvenience to me, but rather that I’ve dragged poor DS through all this for nothing. And that I was stupid enough to think that finally someone may be able to help him.

emailed the consultants PA back saying I was furious and wanted an urgent call back from the consultant. Surprise surprise I haven’t got one. So it looks like that’s that.

Ahna65 · 24/03/2023 02:27

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes how disappointing (and change of tack sounds really unprofessional - no empathy for how parents in your/our shoes can feel). Hope they get back to you.

openupmyeagereyes · 24/03/2023 05:53

Oh carrie, how disappointing. Have you googled the drug to check the contraindication that means ds apparently isn’t suitable for it? Awful to get your hopes up, I agree, they should have known from the outset.

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openupmyeagereyes · 24/03/2023 05:53

Ahna sorry to see you up posting at stupid o’clock too.

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dimples76 · 24/03/2023 06:52

That's good news re school Open. I haven't watched the Christine Mcguinness documentary yet. I keep meaning to but my Mum keeps quoting from it so part of me feels like I have already seen it!

We live less than 5 mins walk from my county's top rated (v academic) secondary comp. It has about 1700 pupils. My autistic, dyslexic nephew is there and my sister thinks that the SENCo is excellent but not all the teachers follow his plan (he doesn't have an EHCP). My nephew is doing much better at secondary - school refusal and panic attacks were not uncommon at primary. However, this school would be totally unsuitable for DS particularly given his cognition difficulties. Both the SEN schools I like are in my LA and both are about 8 miles/20 mins drive away. Both schools said that we were out of catchment area. However, there is only one SEN school which is closer (less than a mile away) however, they specialise in severe and profound learning disabilities so DS does not fit their criteria.

Carrie I am sorry to read about all that stress. I am really surprised that they went ahead with ordering blood tests without being sure of the treatment plan. DS had a blood test a couple of years ago with Endocrinology which showed he was anaemic. After he had had iron medicine for a while I thought that they would do a follow up blood test but they said that they really avoid doing blood tests on children.

Jules, that sounds really tricky. Has school applied for top up funding for DD? Awful as it is perhaps the exclusion could be used as evidence

Not looking forward to this weekend as I am going to try and potty train DD again. The thought of cleaning up after 2 kids fills me with horror. I have the play therapist from the Continence team coming to see us in the first week of the hols re DS

Jules912 · 24/03/2023 09:10

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes that sounds so frustrating and poor DS, even my NT child hates blood tests.
School we're going to apply for top up funding but then her behaviour improved ( she was getting either an internal or external suspension almost every week in the autumn). In some ways it would be easier if she did need a full time 1-2-1, but really she just needs 2 hours a week for PE and someone to take her to the sensory room now and again.

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 24/03/2023 10:50

Would you do anything re the medical advice, as in complain to anyone or let it go? I just feel I couldn’t do this in my job without being bollocked for being incompetent. And all I deal with is money. Not health or kids or parental hope. DH says it’s different.

Dimples, 20 mins is nothing! Kids come from far and wide quite literally to come to DSs. Do you think these barriers are there because DS is more borderline as to whether he needs a SS? But then the adoption lady (I think it was her?) was very categoric wasn’t she about an SS? Don’t school back her on that? In which case why is there a fight? I know these schools are oversubscribed but with my DS no MS would touch him with a barge pole and if there was any doubt about that 5 mins with the Head would have put them straight. So other than being not in school which isn’t an option, really the SS had to offer him a place. Sometimes I wonder why it’s such a fight for other people/ in other areas.

How is DS doing with the toilet? What do you think are his major obstacles? It’s an ongoing issue for us. DS is very bright and intelligent (school are now saying this daily) but just doesn’t care! I don’t know how you get over that??? It’s I suppose if a child isn’t bothered about being wet and they don’t see why they should confirm to social expectations. Where do you go from there?

for those of you who cracked this at a normal age (open,Uno) what do you think it was about your DC that made it not an issue? Their dislike of being wet or their understanding of the social norm?

dimples76 · 24/03/2023 11:42

Carrie re toileting I think with DS it's a combination of doesn't care and sensory. He once told my Mum that he likes the feeling of wet pants??! At other times he is either not registering what is happening in his body (in the same way that he needs prompting to drink, doesn't register the cold - a lot of interoceptive issues) or he is so zoned into something like his ipad or scribbling he only focuses on that. It has been worse than now but he still has several accidents at home a week. No accidents at school but he goes when prompted at school. He does not generally comply with my instructions or pretends to try and says nothing's coming the wets himself a few minutes later - this is the behaviour I find most hard to understand (and infuriates me). It's been five years since I started training him and he turns 10 in June. I don't feel v hopeful.

I think that my main challenge with SS is that his current school have always been v positive that they can meet his needs. They have started to shift but I need them to be firmer ..They totally agree that there is no way that he can go to mainstream secondary.

The adoption therapist company has shut down (rather dramatically) so no further evidence from them

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 24/03/2023 12:42

Sorry if I’m repeating myself @dimples76 (age/ stress/too much Pinot noir) but is a unit affiliated to a ms an option? For the absence of these places in primary they are in abundance around here for secondary. My friends DS who is v like yours is going to one for secondary.

I wonder why ds toileting is different at school? Sounds like you do what they do at home (prompts) plus if he likes being wet surely that’s the same at home and school? I’ve had a meeting about this in school this morning so it’s just in my head at the mo.

good luck with DD… is she in nursery, can they take a bit of the pain? Often girls click quite quickly. I started dd at 2, was thoroughly cheesed off she was still having accidents at 2.1 (what a laugh eh) and she was sorted at 2.2.

sounds like DS isn’t so bad overall though. The nurse said to me this morning that some/ a few accidents a week is actually fine and within the realms of a child not having continence issues!

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