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Primary School Auties 11: 2023 is here

1000 replies

openupmyeagereyes · 03/01/2023 07:25

Thread 11.

This is a thread for the parents & carers of children with additional needs. Most of us have autistic/ADHD children in primary school, but anybody is welcome to join us to chat x

Links to previous threads below.

Thread 1
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3080753-DS-with-ASD-starting-school-Sept-2018-I-am-feeling-overwhelmed
Thread 2
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3451020-Reception-auties-2018-19-thread-2
Thread 3
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3628263-Auties-transition-to-Year-1-thread-3
Thread 4
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3748449-Primary-school-Auties-into-2020-thread-4
Thread 5
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/3953023-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-beyond-thread-5?pg=1
Thread 6
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4166833-Primary-school-auties-spring-2021-and-beyond-thread-6?pg=1
Thread 7
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4303826-Primary-school-auties-summer-and-the-new-academic-year-thread-7
Thread 8
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/4422100-Primary-school-auties-step-into-Christmas-and-the-New-Year-thread-8
Thread 9
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4502988-Primary-school-auties-thread-9-spring-summer-2022
Thread 10
www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4592899-primary-school-auties-10-summer-and-beyond-2022?page=1

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 18/05/2023 10:42

Copying is not one of DSs strengths so I don’t think he copies as such, just more ‘absorbs the atmosphere’ (🤣🤣 I’m liking that one!) iyswim. I think even if it’s subconscious we all modify how we are with different people, don’t we? Work is terrible for swearing and I know I’m far worse there than when out with say close friends who don’t swear, I just fall into those behaviours.

Open how do you mean ‘private’? The options for DS are;

  1. state MS, tried and failed
  2. private MS even fussier, many apparently screen for Sen and outright won’t take them unless there’s an extenuating reason like their English is crap because they have just moved from overseas
  3. SILCs as we call them here (not sure if that’s a universal term), bog standard full scale of Sen. He’s at one of these
  4. Units affiliated to MS. Explored to death as you know. Only really want the kids who get a little bit worried when in MS full time so they are almost holding areas where they can chill for 5 mins but no more. V v minor needs.
  5. independent schools which I think Dannis is? So not LA but from my review and understanding aren’t as you would expect schools parents have to pay for but there is a cost to the LA so they are discouraged. DS was rejected from the one near us as the kids started at 10 and he was only 6. They did say when I looked round tho that they didn’t take particularly ‘problematic’ kids so I wonder if they are really more HF/ discerning as to their intake. The woman showing me round mentioned PDA and said ‘oh we don’t take children like that.’ 🙄🙄.
  6. sen schools which cater for HF ASD profiles. The Anne Hegerty and Chris Packhams. Not a non verbal child who still has toilet accidents.

what am I missing?

Moomin, sorry, why do the class members change in DSs class? Aren’t they all getting older? Are they all the same age?

livpotter · 18/05/2023 11:14

I hope he has a better day today danni. So difficult.

Ds's school is the same as moomin's in terms of classes. Ds sometimes moves classes and new kids come into his depending on ability. He's had a different teacher each year so far. Like moomin says it's not 'moving up' as such but the classes have different ability levels based on needs not year groups. So for the first two years ds was in one class and he moved to his new class last year with a different ability level and yup of child. Really hard to explain written down lol.

Carrie hopefully he'll find the alternative transport better and not scream so much. Maybe the kids on the bus just give better reactions which he finds stimulating?

MoominMamasTribe · 18/05/2023 11:15

No, DS' school have ability,personality and needs based class groups.

danni0509 · 18/05/2023 11:22

Ds class are all based on needs and not ages, the ages are quite a gap, 7-10/11. One of the kids on the learning app is not far off my height. (that doesn’t take much beating, but you can see hes 10 or so)

He’s in a predominantly autism / adhd class. He was in the other class for the same needs last year, and this year he’s in the different class but it’s the same needs, but this year he’s with all the new starters from September (they had built a new part of the school and taken on more children) Bcos his behaviour was letting him down, apparently. They said if he progressed with his behaviour he could go in the other class. (It’s never been about ds learning, as he’s quite switched on given his disabilities, it’s always been his behaviour, he sets the others off and they say it’s a dominoe affect)

My thinking is, that’s ok, keep him with all the new starters who are going to be all over the shop (understandable) why not just put him with the other class, you have to be around it to learn it kind of thing. I always think he’s paired with the wrong kids.

Backwards some of their decisions.

danni0509 · 18/05/2023 11:31

As I say, ds class are all on a lot lower level work than ds, he gets work differentiated. I think I’ve said before. Some of the children in ds class are just learning to write their names and blend letters in phonics, ds could do all that in reception. One child won star of the week for writing the first letter of her name. That kind of thing.

It’s frustrating for me, but I don’t get to make the decisions. It’s all based on ds behaviour, they say.

I think the other class are more ahead in terms of behaviour and accepting rules etc. just from conversations I’ve had with his teachers. Ds class to me, and forgive me if I sound awful, (not my intention, I’m trying to write it in a way so you know what i mean) they are on the more substantial type of support needed for disabilities. They have 4 teachers in his class, 8 kids. They need a higher ratio of support, and some of the things ds tells me 😳

It’s a shame, bcos its ds behaviour that what keeps him with the others who also act out, and as I’ve said without sounding a nob, ds copys everything, he not only has his own traits, he has everyone else’s.

What Im trying to say in a clumsy way, is maybe put him elsewhere.

I don’t know the plans for next year, but I will discuss it over the next few weeks.

openupmyeagereyes · 18/05/2023 11:57

carrie I meant private ms. Based on the fact that you’re not happy with his current school, you would prefer something more academic, with better behaved dc and, presumably, smaller classes.

OP posts:
openupmyeagereyes · 18/05/2023 12:05

Ds’ school is mostly split into year groups with a little bit of overlap and they do move up to a different class. I don’t know if he will have the same teacher next year or a new one. The class he was in last year kept the same teacher this year too.

OP posts:
carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 18/05/2023 12:56

Open I think private ms are even more fussy. No one will touch a non verbal child in ms alone (and his issues go way beyond that.) no, it is what it is unfortunately.

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 19/05/2023 17:15

How’s things danni??

hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

openupmyeagereyes · 19/05/2023 18:48

Ahna how are things going with you?

We’ve had a pretty good week.

OP posts:
danni0509 · 20/05/2023 14:06

I’ve taken ds to the park this morning on his bike. We always go to this one.

Me and dh walk behind ds, ds bikes off in front, (huge trail, no cars / roads, it’s safe etc, if anything happened we can get to him etc) he likes to go fast (faster than me and dh walk) ds stopped in the distance but further than I would of liked, i called him back, and 2 people started talking to him but looked like they were getting a bit animated with him, I couldn’t hear what was being said but could see, from their body actions they looked like they were telling him off. I again shouted for ds to come back, I started jogging towards them, the 2 people walked the opposite way and we caught up to ds, I asked ds what happened.

He said he said fucking and they told him off, but he wouldn’t / couldn’t relay what they said. I said don’t say fucking. I then said to dh they shouldn’t be telling him off. (Maybe say don’t swear or something, but don’t get high rate with him!!) I didn’t go after the 2 adults as ds said they told him off and as I was talking to ds about it they had completely disappeared. I then told ds he’s not biking off in front now, stay beside me or go home.

15 minutes later we were sat on the grass having an ice Lolly from the cafe. I was at this point telling him why he couldn’t bike around and do any more laps because of swearing and some horrid old cowbag came up to me and said this. In a really aggressive tone.

He’s been biking around and swearing!, I said he was swearing yes, he told me when I asked him what 2 grown adults where doing telling my child off, he’s been told off for it, she said there’s clearly something wrong with him (!) he doesn’t look normal (!) but It doesn’t excuse his language,

I said how disgusting for you to say that, I said he’s got disabilities and how dare you describe him as having something wrong and not being ‘normal’ baring in mind ds is stood beside me and she’s saying he’s not normal and there’s something wrong with him 😡 she said you let him bike around swearing and he shouldn’t he allowed on the park.

I said I don’t let him bike around swearing, (!) as soon as I knew he was swearing he was beside me and had been told off. And why shouldn’t he allowed on a park? Aren’t disabled kids allowed on ‘normal parks’?

She then said if he was ‘normal’ he wouldn’t be swearing, I was seething at this point, I called her disabilist got my phone out to record her, I got dh to take ds because I was angry. and she immediately walked off with her dog at this point when I was going to record how she was speaking about a disabled kid.

Got ds off the park and he’s said have I been taken off the park bcos the one in the white shirt hit me on the head!!!!!!

I immediately went back and searched the full park and couldn’t see her who I’d just had that argument with or another one in a white top. I would honestly have decked her. I’ve never hit ds so I don’t expect a stranger to do it. I was shaking I was so mad.

He’s sticking to the same story, claims the adult in the white shirt smacked him over the head. I see they were animated with their hands (I’m like this though) but I wouldn’t say it looked like she clonked him over the head. He’s adamant though. He can take things the wrong way though, so I’m wondering if it’s as ds said or not. But it’s difficult to get the actual events from ds.

danni0509 · 20/05/2023 14:23

Thing is I had a confrontation on the woods 2 weeks ago about ds aswell. Then the month before at the leisure centre! 🤣

I don’t start the trouble. Ds does something somebody doesn’t like and they start saying stuff and I’m not one who can keep quiet.

Why don’t people mind their own business though. A child could come past me swearing and I wouldn’t say a word, it’s literally none of my business.

openupmyeagereyes · 20/05/2023 14:47

Sorry danni that sounds very stressful. As if ‘normal’ kids don’t swear. I wonder if they would have felt so comfortable telling off a gang of teenagers or young adults! I doubt it.

OP posts:
danni0509 · 20/05/2023 15:41

She was 100% a jobsworth, probably broke her neck trying to find us on the park to get him into trouble. There’s worser things going on in the world than a child (that she said in her own words clearly had something wrong with him) saying fucking whilst he’s biking. (He told me he was saying it when he was biking so that I didn’t hear him) in ds literal mind, he’s swearing when I can’t hear him so he’s not doing anything wrong.

(I’m not condoning him swearing btw)

I do believe one probably did tap him on the head, I could fully believe it, the way she was talking to me. Its like he’d committed the worst crime imaginable the way she carried on.

It’s such a shame ds told me after we’d left the park, if I’d of got my hands on the one in the ‘white shirt’ ds swearing would of been the least of her worries.

He thought that’s why he had to leave the park, because one of them hit him on the head, he doesn’t think to tell me at the time, but then that’s autism for you.

Why on Earth would anyone hit another child though? I feel like ringing the police, but I haven’t got a lot to go by, a woman in a white shirt. (Incidentally not the one who came over to me) and ds’ shady account of it all. He’s still claiming he’s been assaulted by a stranger on the park. He’s obsessing over it.

danni0509 · 20/05/2023 15:44

I bought a swear jar from Amazon for ds swearing, every time he swears he has to give me £1 from his safe for the jar. He’s decided £1 isn’t enough, he wants to give me £2.

Do you see why I don’t get anywhere with trying to make him understand? 🤣

MoominMamasTribe · 20/05/2023 22:55

@danni0509 oh my word, what awful people. People honestly have no idea and they just judge and judge. This is really awful though. I'd log it with the police and hive descriptions because there might be cctv or other witnesses or they might have form for this sort of thing.
How are you now? I feel shaking just on your behalf! Hope you're all OK x

openupmyeagereyes · 21/05/2023 08:22

How are you feeling today danni?

Ds slept until 6am this morning, it’s been ages since he slept that late. He’s been waking at 4ish a lot lately so very welcome today Smile

OP posts:
carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 21/05/2023 09:53

Oh no Danni that sounds awful, I hope you are ok. It is really hard because (a) most people will just think that’s a child behaving badly and (b) many will think they are entitled to say something! I’ve found a lot in recent times that generally people feel far more inclined to say things about others than I would! Unless there was something earth shattering I wouldn’t say anything to a random person but I think I’m in the minority!

Great re the sleep open

Ahna65 · 21/05/2023 11:33

Hi all catching up here

@danni0509 what a tough time what with school and that awful awful woman in the park. No advice re the behaviour and school dynamics we are at a much earlier stage but really hope it gets easier for you. I would also have seen red w that woman!! Haven’t had anything to that extent but increasingly feeling the judgment in the playground etc. Sometimes comments or just looks. I find myself telling people she’s autistic early on and then they are generally nicer but really shouldn’t have to?! She’s not being aggressive just not playing in a normal way, sometimes making it harder for other kids to.

@carriebradshawwithlessshoes im sorry that you are having those feelings about SEN school. Are you friends with any of the the other parents to talk these emotions through irl?

things feel rough atm. Can’t pinpoint why, the sleep is a little better (but still a decent amount of the 0130-0500 awake type nights, but also some where she sleeps 2230-0530) but the rest of the time feels really tough. She’s just quite all over the place, don’t know how else to describe it. Eg a typical weekend day is trying to stop her from eating soil, grass, running upstairs to run the bath (literally happens several times a day) stopping her climbing over the fence (an ‘incident’ was recorded this week where she did the same at school), finding her in our bedroom (2nd floor) on the window sill trying to open it…and then just plenty of huge meltdowns, screaming and throwing things, hitting us and herself. Her sister tries to copy everything but is not controlled at climbing etc so it’s all pretty dangerous. Feel like we are on the verge of a major accident at any point

just so so drained by it all and honestly doesn’t feel like making any headway with communication or self regulation. I know I need to try again with the pictos at home (tried before but she had zero interest and tried to eat the laminated cards, so I stopped) since she’s using these at school but it feels like a big effort to build that into the day with DD2 around too. I guess these things quickly become second nature.

think I need a break, realised haven’t had annual leave yet this year, although a few bank hols of course. The thing is, being home feels so much more stressful than at work atm, and I feel guilty if I take days whilst DDs are in childcare.

openupmyeagereyes · 21/05/2023 14:51

I feel guilty if I take days whilst DDs are in childcare.

Absolutely do not feel guilty about this, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Do what you need to to help you through this difficult time.

OP posts:
dimples76 · 21/05/2023 17:51

Oh Danni so sorry that you and DS experienced that. And whether or not she hit DS her language was totally unacceptable.

It was my birthday on Friday. My Mum and the rest of the family came around for cake. I hadn't realised that my Mum had left a box of matches in the kitchen. When I came down from putting DD to bed I discovered that DS had been playing with the matches - seems that he lit every one and then blew them out. So my birthday almost had a disastrous end but fortunately no injuries or damage was sustained.

I have been to London with my sister to see Guys and Dolls at the Bridge Theatre. It was fantastic, such a joyful performance. Unfortunately a railway track has been damaged so what should have been 1 train and 3 hours is now train 3 and 5 hours and counting. My Mum has just messaged that DS after being on fine firm is now being tricky ..

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 21/05/2023 19:25

Just a quick to @Ahna65 . DS was like this completely at 4. In fact I tried to get him in a nursery at that age and they frankly refused to have him on the basis he was a safety risk with the climbing, I know it’s no consolation now but as he’s aged he has got better. Both with the stuff in mouth and climbing.

we did get some stuff for the house which we found helped in that it confined the climbing somewhere where we could at least keep an eye on him . We bought some plastic step things which as he got a bit older he enjoyed balancing on and trying to jump from one to the next. The real winner was this small climbing frame. We would put in the playroom and he would balance eventually on the top on one leg. I think it gave that feeling on climbing and balancing but is quite low. Often we would for a double whammy put the tv on and he would climb and balance and watch the tv it entertained him for hours. We are trying to move at the moment so it’s been pulled into the shed but I’ll send pics it’s on its side but you get the gist with the triangular shape etc .

im sure you do already but we find wearing him out at the park, on mega walks etc does satisfy that need to move move so much when we get home.

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 21/05/2023 19:30

Will try the pics….

carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 21/05/2023 19:33

Excuse the mess

Primary School Auties 11: 2023 is here
carriebradshawwithlessshoes · 21/05/2023 19:35

And the stepper things…

Primary School Auties 11: 2023 is here
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