I can't cope with night time

[TeainanIV]

I am completely at my wits end with my 8 month old daughter's sleep and I don't know what to do anymore. It's having a huge impact on my mental health, my relationship and my physical health too. She screams all night long and nothing we do seems to change anything. She is an awful sleeper - day or night. She relies completely on us to get her to sleep - whether it's boob, pram, car or being bounced to sleep. She simply cannot get herself to sleep at all. We've tried to teach her to self-settle and it ends up in her hysterical to the point she's making herself sick/choking and spluttering. It is horrendous. If we don't help her, she doesn't sleep!

This has been going on for nearly 4 months now, and it's just steadily gotten worse and worse. She has CMPA and egg allergy which I am free from, and I often wonder if that makes things worse but I thought by now we'd see some improvement in her night time sleep.

We've followed the same bedtime routine since she was born, we have quiet time/nappy free time around 6:30pm, then bath, feed and bed. I've tried to feed her awake with the lights on and then put her down drowsy but she just screams and screams. She will not stop, it's been hours some nights and she's still screaming. If I feed her to sleep she'll wake the minute I put her down - again screaming and screaming. Then the rest of the night she's waking every single hour, sometimes less. She only settles when fed or when lay on me (sometimes her Dad but mainly wants me). The same goes for daytime sleep - naps are never longer than 40mins, usually 30, unless she's asleep on the boob. Even then, she stirs every 20mins or so to latch back on and comfort suck. I can never just put her down for a nap without feeding her or rocking to sleep. Or it's a nap in the pram, and the minute I stop waking she's awake again.

My partner and I can't take much more. She's still in our bedroom because she's that bad at night the thought of being in and out of another room fills me with more dread. But it's having a huge impact on our relationship, we just have no time together in the evenings because she's up and down so often. Plus we're exhausted 😩.

The lack of naps without help means that we struggle to get anything done in our house. It's filthy, because when she's awake she demands all my attention - she won't go in a sling, she won't sit in her high chair, she won't just 'be' without me right there with her!! So nothing gets done.

To top it all off, last week our neighbours complained to us about her night waking as it's also waking them up!! We live in a terrace house so it's impossible not to hear it. So now we're even more anxious about her screaming all night because we know they're up and fuming too!!

Honestly I don't know what I'm after here, I'm not even sure if any of this makes sense. I'm currently sat hiding in the bathroom crying and I can hear her screaming from the bedroom. I just know I can't cope with this much longer. Please someone tell me it gets better!!!

@Bimbabo I've been trying to feed her before the bath rather than after, still the same result. She screams the minute we lower her in to her cot now - day or night. It's almost as though she associates it with being distressed!! Currently sat in bed with her sleeping on me and hiccuping after a huge screaming fit for the last half hour. I'm convinced it's her allergies at play as she sounds as though she's in pain. Calpol, gripe water, infacol have done nothing to help. It's awful hearing her so upset

It’s so hard and you sound like you’re coping as well as anyone possibly could!

I experienced this as a single parent and I do shudder when I look back!

What helped us:

White noise (she’s 11 and still has the machine next to her bed on each night!) Think you can buy a sheep cuddly toy that produces white noise?

Dummy (didn’t want to give her one, but really helped. She used to have one in her mouth and squeeze dummies in each hand. Had the glow in the dark ones. Gave up when she was ready and has really straight adult teeth now.)

Cool room (I know you have to get it just right when they’re very small, but going forward, a very cool room seems to help)

Routine- which you’re doing

Extra feeding/carb food in evening

Special blanket

It does get better!

@ScoobyDoo80 thank you so much, I love her so much but this is really taking its toll now. And it's awful seeing her so distressed! We are doing a lot of what you mention already unfortunately!

We have white noise on all night, her monitor plays it. She has a comforter, which to be honest she gets more annoyed at majority of the time! A dummy is the one thing she's just never taken to - we tried from when she was a newborn and she absolutely hated it! Now when we give her one she chews it like a teether and plays with it. She's actually bitten off three teats of dummies!! So I'm nervous to even let her have one! I'll bare the evening food in mind - I find it tricky balancing due to her allergies as she often has terrible wind/reflux in the evenings which we're trying to get under control. We've got a long awaited allergy clinic appointment in April and I'm praying we get more clarity from that in terms of what she's reacting to as I'm sure it's more than what we already know. Thank you for your kind message and it's reassuring to know it will get better eventually!!

Ah. You’re welcome.
The allergy clinic may hold the answers. I really hope so.

Finally, in desperation I tried a chiropractor and it certainly helped matters a little. Turns out dd has Ehlers Danlos and I do believe she had sensory issues/attachment/was in pain as a baby.

I still listen to her friends’ mums (usually mums anyway) talk about “waking” their children, otherwise they’d “sleep all day” and I groan inwardly!

Mine is never going to be the biggest sleeper but she will sleep 9.30-7, which must seem like a crazy prospect to you right now. I do think you’ll get there sooner than you might imagine.
Fingers crossed for you.

I so feel your pain on missing sleep. Also have an eight month old who hates being in the cot. He's never been a good sleeper but is worse in the last couple of weeks. He's learnt to stand up in his cot and basically gets furious if he can't. Ssshing, patting, rocking, cuddling doesn't work - if anything all things seem to make him angrier. The only thing that works is feeding which is fine but makes life very restrictive for me.

My only saving Grace is we are managing good naps... although this makes zero difference to nighttime!

My partner and I can't take much more. She's still in our bedroom because she's that bad at night the thought of being in and out of another room fills me with more dread

So my baby is almost 6 months and we put her in her own room a week or so ago (it started off accidental as I put her down while I ran her bath etc and she was asleep) and her sleep has never been better. I also dreaded the thought of having to go in every couple of hours as this was how often I was tending to her in the night but it didn’t happen. She was so much happier in her own room, I have no idea why but maybe it’s worth a try?

@Thefaceofboe I think we are going to just go for it next week and see how we go - but I'd struggle to even put her down and leave her to run a bath 🙈 her separate anxiety is crazy at the moment and she screams bloody murder if I'm not directly in front of her! It's very intense haha. So far she's woken every half hour since 7pm tonight 😫. Watching my partner bounce her and try and get her back to sleep as we speak!! So frustrating. Really hope we have more luck when she's in her own room xx

@milkshakeandchips5 our little one is the same, if we aren't rocking or bouncing her - or I'm not feeding her - she just gets louder and louder until she's almost hysterically screaming!! So frustrating. Naps are a no go unless she's on us or in her pram being walked!

@ScoobyDoo80 aah I know that feeling well, I have to let those comments go in one ear and out the other haha! I really, really hope so. I feel awful for her, she's such a gorgeous little baby who is full of smiles but come night time she's like a different child!

This sounds like normal baby behaviour?

Why don't you cosleep if you're breastfeeding? X

Fucking hell @girlabouthome have you read any of the thread?!

If someone is on their knees waking every 30 minutes-1hr and mentions allergies and separation anxiety ITS NOT NORMAL. It can be resolved.

@girlabouthome cosleeping makes no difference - she still wakes up crying or screaming every hour. She seems to be in discomfort, as mentioned I'm fairly certain it's linked to allergies but I can't seem to pinpoint which or whether it's a new one. Hoping to get more answers at our allergy clinic appointment in April. She is unable to link sleep cycles too, plus intense separation anxiety means all three combined lead to almost no sleep unless on me or on my boobs .

@FTEngineerM thank you! Praying things start to improve, trying so hard to be consistent every night with her but it's soul destroying at the moment. I hate hearing her so unhappy as well!

@FTEngineerM you're a delight - what a vile tone you have.

My 2nd DD has CMPA/Soy Intolerance and we've just finished the milk ladder.

What I mean by "normal baby behaviour" is one of that age having to sleep in a cot away from mum/breasts if still breastfed - more likely to be that over allergy IMO.

But if OP has tried cosleeping and breastfeeding on demand throughout the night certainly needs looking into.

@girlabouthome we've just had another wake up - this was after 40 mins. This time she's screaming and arching her back. Wouldn't settle in bed with us, is now asleep on my partner's chest hiccuping because she got herself in such a state. Finding it so tough at the moment. Did your second DD suffer at night as a result of her allergies? I've been being so careful just don't understand what's going on!

Why would she need a prescription formula? I highly recommend Kendamil goat. It's worth a try at this point hey? Have your OH or your mum or a night nanny
take over so she can't be angry with you for not nursing her, and give it a couple of weeks. Even if she doesn't like the taste it sounds like she's not a very happy bunny at the moment anyway, so you haven't a great deal to lose! Encourage her to attach to a small muslin or soft toy - wear it down your bra for a day or 2 before giving it to her, so it smells like you. That way you're still 'with' her even when she's in her cot.

@SuperSocks our dietitian advised us that, she said any milk from an animal would cause a reaction because of the proteins.

I've tried to get her to attach to a comforter, I had it down my bra and slept with it. We took it everywhere with us to get her used to it. She's used it to comfort herself to sleep once, now she just gets frustrated with it if we try and give it her when she's upset. Or she just completely ignores it!

My partner does his fair share of night comforting but she becomes hysterical at times. We couldn't have one of our parents help throughout the night as we don't have a spare room or bed that they could sleep in!

Thank you for your suggestions, I'm not trying to be difficult in my reply - I hope it doesn't seem that way! We just really have tried just about everything with her! I'm more convinced than ever there's other allergies at play

Currently on our sixth wake up of the night. Longest stretch so far has been one hour and the rest around about 45 mins. This is despite us cosleeping with her in our bed, it doesn't seem to make any difference.

Each time she's woken up screaming and won't stop unless held on us and bounced or fed back to sleep. She barely takes any milk and just sucks for comfort and to soothe herself back to sleep.

My head feels like it's splitting open with a headache! Finding it hard to even get myself back to sleep as I'm just tensed waiting for the next wake up. Grateful for have this outlet to vent, this is so tough and relentless.

You're not alone, I'm up too. Your dd sounds similar to mine at that age and it won't be what you want to hear but things have just got better with time. We also tried just chill sleep, it wasn't for us. Things I wish I'd done include going soya free too and trying a cranial osteopath. Was your daughter premature or breech/transverse? She may have a slightly immature gut and struggle to digest food causing pain at night.
Mine is now 21 months and we have had a few nights when she's slept through but mostly 1 or 2 wakes a night now but I'm quite weak willed and just bring her into bed with me so that may not help. Im sorry I cant think of specific things that helped as tbh I've blanked out a lot of that time, I was a shell of a person but definitely feeling more human now. Seek help where you can, things can change so quickly with babies so hopefully shes into a new phase soon and things get a little easier. In the meantime enjoy her lovely personality in the day

Lost 2 replies so bullet points instead.

• had 2 CMPA babies.
• coslept with a boob out all night. Do anything for sleep.
• stop soya helped one.
• biogaia probiotics helped the other.
• don’t worry about bad habits, cosleeping or that ‘rod for your back’ bollocks. Do whatever she wants so you can sleep and not go insane. I’m not joking, it drove me to hallucinations from sleep deprivation.
• Facebook groups are available and helpful.
• good luck and best wishes. Mine are school age now and sleeping soundly in their own beds

@Restingpotato now on our ninth wake up, absolutely inconsolable. It's like she's in pain and I can't work out if it's reflux or stomach pain. She was born two weeks early but was measuring very small and growth had stopped by 35 weeks. She had quite a traumatic birth and as a result was extremely distressed for first week of life (we were kept in hospital). I've always thought it had some link!

I've cut soya out now for about a week - do you know how long it took before you saw a difference?

Thank you, me and my partner and both at breaking point tonight - it's been a particularly horrendous one. Even when she's sleeping with us in our bed it seems to make no difference. And we both find it so hard to sleep with her in with us as we're clinging on to either edge! Plus if we move the slightest bit she tends to wake and the whole cycle starts again!

Definitely grateful for her being her smiling self in the day, although the separation anxiety is exhausting as I literally can't leave her for 5 seconds!!

@SalamiToastie I feel like I'm at breaking point to be honest, tonight has been a particularly horrendous one. She's on the boob again now after screaming hysterically. It's awful, she's definitely in some sort of pain but I just can't work out what's triggered it. She had beef mince as part of her tea tonight and I'm now wondering if it was that - I'm on a CMPA Facebook group and someone mentioned on there is caused similar reactions to milk in CMPA babies. So now the mum guilt is huge!!

I've been soya free for about a week, how long did it take before you noticed a difference? I did wonder about giving her probiotics as her poos are still awful, green and smelly, despite me cutting out milk, eggs and now soya.

I just don't know what the solution is, even cosleeping doesn't work. She still wakes constantly, still screams, if we so much as move in bed she wakes! Sorry I sound so negative I'm just completely broken

You need to try formula if her poo is green. It sounds like she is allergic to something you are eating.

Have you had her tested for allergies so you can avoid those foods in her own diet?

Do you use a baby sleeping bag?

It sounds awful

Wow op this sounds so hard- you have the patience of a Saint! Well done. I have no experience to offer in the sleep department but it definitely sounds to me like she is in discomfort. Can you see a sleep consultant? I would also keep seeing gp and get as much input from a medical perspective as possible- let them make the diagnosis of the problem and try as many different things as you can for reflux or allergies etc.

Definitely see if you can get childcare for at least a full day or two as a one off even and get some sleep for yourself.
Forget your mum guilt- you’re doing too great a job if anything!! My little boy is lucky he isn’t allergic as I do not have the patience to do all that you have!!!!! X

I might have missed something but have you given her any formula? Or only breast milk?? If you haven’t given formula ever and are doing all this just for breast milk I definitely would try formula as it might solve all your problems! Xo