Baby waking all night and I no longer see the point

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Baby is just shy of five months old and had slept well from birth, up to about a month ago he would do 5 or 6 hour stretches at the beginning of the night and settled well after a feed.

But now he’s waking every 1-2 hours most nights. Last night he did a 6 hour stretch and I thought we might be coming out of this hell but no, I’ve been up all night again.

This is my second baby. My first baby slept terribly and was not a very settled baby (he is now 2). I ‘lost’ the first year of my eldest’s life to postnatal depression; I cried pretty much every day for the first year of his life.

I am slipping down that path again and I feel a lot of it is due to sleep deprivation, as well as the social isolation of lockdown. I am so tired and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find myself not really wanting to be alive anymore as I feel alone and joyless. I am feeling really cross with my baby waking up all night. I don’t know why he slept for six hours straight last night and then not even two hours in a row tonight. I am so, so sad that I am falling down the postnatal depression rabbit hole again. I had all of these plans in place for coping well second time round and the Covid situation has just wrecked them all- childcare for my eldest a couple of days a week, which would allow me to do some exercises each week and attend some baby groups with the baby. That would be good bonding time with the baby but also get me out and about with other mums.

My husband works from 6am Monday to Friday so there is no rest. I’m just alone and exhausted. I don’t know how to find joy in life when I am so exhausted. I don’t know how to cope with this.

Could you not Get someone to take him out for a few hours a day.
The lady upstairs from me pays a lady from an agency to take her baby out for 2 or 3 hours 4 days a week so she can get some sleep. X

Is there not a local nursery where he could go twice a week just for even half a day? X

@Whereland I’m glad that temperatures have at least gone down. That’s very hard that your toddler is waking up a couple of times a night. I never thought my toddler would still be regularly waking up at 2.5, I thought we would all be done and dusted by now.

Yes, I’m planning on asking the sleep consultant if she can give me some support whilst DH is away/ I’m sleep training. It will help to have some moral support if she is available then.

As for bed sharing. Well I tried that last night. Baby woke up at 9pm (DH and I were already asleep as we are so tired). I must have got him back off to sleep without a feed. I think I just cuddled him in bed. He woke up again two hours later so I breastfed him but then he was awake for more than 3 hours He would cry if he was lying down next to me, would just roll over and sit up crying. Same thing if I tried to cuddle him. I resorted to playing lullabies on my phone and letting play with my phone to calm him down. Sang about a million verses of a lullaby. At one point I was bouncing him in my arms and kissing his cheek. The whole thing was bonkers, didn’t have a clue what to do but was just desperate to stop hiM waking DS1 and DH. So after three long hours awake he finally fell asleep next to me..for forty minutes.

So I feel like gentle, gentle bedsharing responsive parenting gets me nowhere. I can just about manage to do bedsharing and breastfeeding on demand if it gets both of us more sleep. But today I’m every bit exhausted and fed up and in pain from lying on the edge of the bed and not daring to move in case I woke him. Back to strict sleep training path I think.

Sorry I can’t see the name/s of who mentioned getting some childcare for the baby. I think if I can’t “fix” his sleep to a manageable extent with sleep training then it’s something to consider. I find it almost impossible to sleep during the day though so I’m not sure it would make me more well rested. And I kind of wanted to hang on til next year before putting him in childcare, both wanting him to be a bit older but also to try to avoid him getting ill with all the winter illness that does the rounds.

@MildDrPepperAddiction so sorry to hear that and truly hope you get some more sleep soon. It’s so crap isn’t jt

Oh god three hours awake 😭 don't you just feel like you could walk out of the house and never return at those small hours of the morning. It is torture.
Really hoping the sleep consultant will help. A friend of mine had a very similar sounding situation and she worked with a sleep consultant and saw massive improvements. It wasn't easy, it took about 5 weeks of solid effort to get his naps/feeds/meals on a routine that helped him sleep better at night. I don't want to put you off by saying that's how long it took but just in case you're pinning all your hopes on having it sorted in a few nights.
Out of interest how are his naps?

@Whereland don't you just feel like you could walk out of the house and never return at those small hours of the morning I feel like that most days to be honest

I am pinning a lot of hope in being able to sort his sleep in a few nights and I know that’s most likely unrealistic, and it’s also why I’m considering doing a much “harsher” method of sleep training than I otherwise would. I’m worried that when DH and DS1 that I’ll feel like I have to abandon things so the baby doesn’t wake them up.

Naps are pretty good to be honest. 1.5 to 2 hours in the morning and the same in the afternoon. I ensure he’s awake by 4pm on the sleep consultant’s advice. I can just plonk him in the cot and he will go straight off (or sometimes cry briefly). So I don’t know why night times are so terrible

@LetTheBirdsSing @MildDrPepperAddiction
I've just found this thread and could have written everything you guys have said. It's now 3am and we've been up since 12 with this happening every night. My daughter is nearly five months, barely naps unless held in a dark room and is waking 8ish times a night with the new trick of staying up for a couple of hours in the night also. Have tried strict nap routine, tried letting her lead (she just didn't sleep) and am at my wits end. I spend most of the night crying and really fear I'm getting PND from constant sleep deprivation. That and the worry of going back into lockdown and being on my own all day every day with a baby that just won't sleep and is pretty miserable from lack of sleep and I'm just a bit of a mess :( I've ended up resorting to just holding her the majority of the time and now think I've made it 10x worse. Just so at a loss as to what to do. I hope you guys are getting some sleep

@goosious oh you poor thing. Wish I could bring you a coffee and give you a big hug. Sounds like you’re right in the thick of the four month sleep regression, which is hellish.

I know you’ve said that for naps that she needs to be held in a dark room so apologies if this suggestion is something that’s already been tried and doesn’t work. Could you try taking her out for a walk in the pram for the first nap of the day? Perhaps with a snooze shade over the pram so that it’s dark for her. The reason I’m suggesting that is the first nap of the day is usually the easiest one in terms of them being able to fall asleep. If you’re absolutely shattered then I know that going out for a walk might be the absolute last thing you feel like doing BUT the fresh air and just not being trapped inside the house may help you to feel a bit more human. You could stick some headphones in and put some music on. I always find it helpful just to see other faces out in the world, even if it’s just complete strangers walking past. It makes me feel a little less alone.

Do you think there’s any possibility of something like reflux or CMPA, or anything else that might be causing her discomfort?

By the way, you’re in survival mode right now so whatever you’re doing is right. You most definitely haven’t made a really difficult situation worse.

Do you have any support at all? Is there anyone living with you? Keep posting if you feel able to, it’s good to talk

been there, had only 1 DC as a consequence as couldn't face doing it again, it is bloody awful. we went out only rarely as every time we got in the car the blighter would fall asleep and 20 minutes in the car equated to an extra hour or so awake at night. waking 13 times in one night was our record. my 1 suggestion would be food - are you weaning? I weaned DD early at 4 months and it helped (slightly) with the sleeping - getting some solid food into her seemed to fill her up a bit more and she didn't wake up hungry so much.

@LetTheBirdsSing coffee sounds great, it feels so lonely in the middle of the night and the minutes seem so long. I have my partner here at home but I think he's struggling just as much as I am, he also works full time and works away every other week.

I quite often take her for walks for her to fall asleep, she will sleep in the car indefinitely and for 30 mins when carried or in the pram.

I'm not sure if she's uncomfortable, it seems she just wants a cuddle and a bit of boob. She's mainly easy to get back to sleep when held in her rocking chair and fed, putting her back down is tricky and often takes a good few goes which means I'm often awake a lot longer than her in the night. But it's really the long stint that's getting to me as she's pretty miserable, doesn't want to be held, doesn't want to be put down, just grumpy.

@Epwell I've tried her with some baby rice, she gobbled the first bowl up but since has just pushed it all out with her tongue. I'm going to look into purées and start then soon I think as she is really eyeing up food. She's EBF currently and just seems to snack through the day so I do wonder if she gets hungry but will fall asleep after a couple of sucks.

She might be a baby who doesn't like purees - sounds mad but try big fat oven chips. worked for me. my sister allegedly never ate anything pureed and just went straight onto normal food - even now she doesn't like anything mashed up. good luck. you will get through this. i now have a stroppy teenager who i have to crowbar out of bed in the morning!!

You have a little baby and a 2 year old to look after, and you're sleep deprived... you are doing AMAZING. You should be extremely proud of yourself for getting through the days and nights and being the best mummy you can be. My little boy was/is an awful sleeper and I would hardly get any sleep some/most nights unfortunately there is no magic wand just the belief in yourself that you can get through it. Being sleep deprived affects everything from mood, attention etc. Lockdown is the icing on the cake to a very sh*t situation. I really hope you're ok, honestly you are doing amazing x

How are you today @goosious? You’re right about the nights seeming really lonely. You’ve got it extra tough with your partner regularly working away

I’m now sleeping in my own rooM all night. Previously is been sleeping in the spare room with DS after his first wake up. I feel much better being in my bedroom and DS is mostly settling well after his feeds. I don’t know if he is aware I’m not in the room and prefers that (???) or if it’s just a fluke but it’s been good to not have several hour wake ups the last few nights.

Thank you for your very kind words @violetrosemummy they mean a lot

So happy to hear you've had a few good nights! Long may it last..

How are you doing?

Not so great, but thanks for asking. Baby is screaming his head off, having been up since 4:20am. Calpol given, two milk feeds tonight including one at 4:20. Not really sure how I’m going to face another shit, lonely day ahead. I already feel absolutely shattered and shouted constantly yesterday. Toddler doesn’t listen to a word I said, deliberately throws plates of food on the floor. I’m so exhausted and done. It’s pissing it down here for the foreseeable future and I’m in an area where I’m not allowed to meet anyone indoors. Sorry, rant over.

How are you whereland?

Ugh I'm so sorry to hear that. When the day starts at 4.20 it is just such a looooooong tiresome day.
Have you had any support from the mental health team? Or the sleep consultant?

All ok here thanks. Sleep still variable and early starts but could be worse.

I’m sorry to hear that things are up and down for you. And early starts too. That’s a really tough combination.

I’m waiting to hear back from the sleep consultant at the moment. I’ve had two appointments with the mental health people. It’s CBT stuff and so far nothing to do with postnatal depression. I’m trying to keep an open mind but feel like what I really want to do is have a good old moan about how exhausted and isolated I feel. I need to see how things go though.

Last night I was up 4 times. Baby woke up twice before I went to bed, fine. Then slept till 1am, DH did that feed. Didn’t settle afterwards so I went into him twice. Couldn’t sleep for ages after that. Then toddler woke up maybe an hour after I got to sleep. Then two hours later baby up again. Feed and put down. But that was 5:30 and he didn’t go back to sleep.

OP, have you read the baby whisperer? I just did and tried her pick up/put down method. It was awful the first night, better the second and even better last night. It's still early days, but it's hope!

Feeling really down today. Largely, I’m sure, due to an almost sleepless night. Baby went to bed fine but woke up after just under 3 hours. Tried to settle with a cuddle. I went in 3 times, DH once. After maybe 45 minutes I gave him milk in case that would help settle. No good, screamed every time we tried to put him down. Asked DH to try again. He got annoyed at me. Baby still didn’t settle so I went into baby’s room and spent another two hours trying to get him to sleep. Calpol, clean nappy. Tried holding him, tried laying him in the bed next to me and just holding his hand. He was playful at times so I just tried to lie quietly and ignore him. Sometime after 3 hours he fell asleep but woke up a couple more times, then up again at 4am......I am crying writing this. I just can’t manage on such broken sleep.

Toddler woke up once as well so DH was up a few times and had very broken sleep too but it really hurts that he gets annoyed at me when I ask for help trying to settle the baby. It’s not as though I didn’t give it a good try. I don’t know what’s going on with the baby. Night before he did one really good stretch and then had a couple more wake ups but it was generally ok. I think he needed one of us to give him an extra cuddle after a feed but no big dramas.

Last night...the only thing I could think of is that we were out when he had his afternoon nap and he woke up after no time at all- maybe half an hour? Normally I do both naps at home in the cot but it so restricts what we can do, especially on a weekend. So thought I would go wild and let him nap in the pushchair whilst we were out yesterday. But what a disaster that led to. But could overtiredness really lead to a 3+ hour wake up???

No sign of any new teeth. I know I sound pathetic but it feels so unfair that some people’s babies sleep through from three or six months.

Trying to get it together and deal with the day but I keep crying. I feel exhausted. I feel alone. I feel guilt/responsible for my DH being exhausted. I worry that he will crash the car from being so tired. I just feel like there’s nothing to look forward to.

Hi @MildDrPepperAddiction I’ve found with both of my babies that they find pick up, put down absolutely infuriating/really upsetting. But maybe I need to try it again as what I’m doing clearly isn’t working

The first night we did it I was at it for almost 2 hours. It was awful. But we are seeing improvements. I hope something works for you soon.

Have you taken baby to see an osteopath? I've heard they can help with baby not settling.

I’m just rambling now. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. It’s not just the sleep, although that definitely doesn’t help. I haven’t left the house in two days. Every time I try to get the kids ready to head out just for a walk one of them decides to make a mess. “LeAve the housework” people always say. But til when. It just builds up and up and up.

I’m tired of crying every day. I’m tired of life having no happiness. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling crushing guilt for absolutely hating my life and wishing I wasn’t stuck at home with two small children...that I chose to have. But I could never have imagined that these would be the circumstances. So little human interaction. Months of no classes and then when they do run being sat far apart with everyone else with a mask on which is not exactly conducive to striking up a new friendship. I am tired of crying every day. Shouti g every day. Locking myself in the loo to cry some more every day.

And there’s no one who can fix this, I know. I just feel so fucking down and exhausted and hopeless. I do t know if it’s worth contacting the Gp to see if they will medicate next. Just numb me a bit maybe. I don’t know.

Mine were good sleepers and I still put them in nursery pt from four and five months respectively to cope. You need a break. Even if you have to pay for it. I hated this part of child rearing so outsourced it and went back to work.
Teens now, we're all bonded well enough and I still consider it my best decision.