Baby waking all night and I no longer see the point

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Baby is just shy of five months old and had slept well from birth, up to about a month ago he would do 5 or 6 hour stretches at the beginning of the night and settled well after a feed.

But now he’s waking every 1-2 hours most nights. Last night he did a 6 hour stretch and I thought we might be coming out of this hell but no, I’ve been up all night again.

This is my second baby. My first baby slept terribly and was not a very settled baby (he is now 2). I ‘lost’ the first year of my eldest’s life to postnatal depression; I cried pretty much every day for the first year of his life.

I am slipping down that path again and I feel a lot of it is due to sleep deprivation, as well as the social isolation of lockdown. I am so tired and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find myself not really wanting to be alive anymore as I feel alone and joyless. I am feeling really cross with my baby waking up all night. I don’t know why he slept for six hours straight last night and then not even two hours in a row tonight. I am so, so sad that I am falling down the postnatal depression rabbit hole again. I had all of these plans in place for coping well second time round and the Covid situation has just wrecked them all- childcare for my eldest a couple of days a week, which would allow me to do some exercises each week and attend some baby groups with the baby. That would be good bonding time with the baby but also get me out and about with other mums.

My husband works from 6am Monday to Friday so there is no rest. I’m just alone and exhausted. I don’t know how to find joy in life when I am so exhausted. I don’t know how to cope with this.

@LetTheBirdsSing oh I'm so sorry things are so crap. You really do need a break. You can not go on like this. Do you ever even get an hour out of the house for a walk? By yourself? It is relentless looking after a baby and toddler. You cope by getting breaks. Knowing you'll be getting a break and looking forward to it.

Please don't feel guilty or responsible for your husband being tired. You know that that's crazy! They are his children too. It's not like he has any magic solutions.

I would talk to the mental health team/gp again. Let them know you are really struggling and crying every day.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. Please try to carve out some time for yourself.

@LetTheBirdsSing- big big hugs 💜💜💜💜
I’m going to sound a bit like a broken record as I’ve mentioned this before but is there no way you could put the little one in nursery for a couple of sessions a week? I know you said you don’t sleep in the day but you could just have a bit more time to yourself.
Does the toddler already attend a pre school?
I think right now you need to focus on something you can do which is arranging a nursery to give yourself a break. It’s a step at least xx

@LetTheBirdsSing I haven’t got time to do a big post now but I feel exactly the same with my nearly 5 month old. I will reply later when I get a chance

@LetTheBirdsSing- how was your night? Xx

@LetTheBirdsSing have just found this thread and EVERYTHING you have said is so relatable. My baby wakes constantly through the night, occasionally throwing in a good stretch of sleep just to give me a glimmer of hope only to wake up hourly the night after. I have felt everything that you have said. I remember at one point trying to discuss with my DP how I might be able to access a general anaesthetic ... In my sleep deprived mind I did think that this would somehow be a possibility.

Anyway, I took the path of least resistance and co slept (still am). I also accessed talking therapy. Both of these things helped. I'm afraid I have no magic answer for you, my baby still wakes constantly. But one day it was as if a fog lifted and I somehow felt I was coping with it better. In retrospect a lot of how I was feeling wasn't the sleep deprivations fault (which I insisted it was at the time) but was postnatal.

Be kind to yourself, you are doing an amazing job, to not one but TWO little humans, in the middle of a pandemic. I'm glad to hear that you are seeking some mental health support. Get all the support you can. Badger the health visitors and GP for more. If medication is the thing to get you through this period of time then so be it. I wish I had been more demanding of it when I was at my worst. It might have reduced the suffering.

@LetTheBirdsSing how are things?
I have actually got a sleep consultant appointment for end of November. She came highly recommended by a friend. Feeling hopeful about it

@LetTheBirdsSing I'm so sorry to see how you're feeling, having had a couple of stints on medication for anxiety and depression I would always recommend seeing a doctor if you're feeling that way. There is no shame in taking medication and I found it just took the edge off enough to be able to cope through the day and not just cry all the time.

DHs are strange creatures, I'm still not entirely sure mine understands the effort it takes in looking after a non sleeping little human all day every day and always does a little groan when I ask him to do anything which I find infuriating!

After a very stressful half term holiday to Cornwall in which DD refused to sleep in a travel cot and had to co sleep in the teeniest bed, she has returned home to wake every hour of the night time 😫 no stretch until midnight, just constantly awake and wanting to be fed for a few sucks. I have now sucked it up and am trying Ferber as am at my wits ends and just exhausted. Especially with lockdown looming and DH working away every other week I just can't face four weeks inside with her being constantly overtired and wanting my boobs! Started last night and she cried for forty minutes with regular check ins (felt this actually made things worse) but got a three hour stretch! Am finding it really hard but am hopeful for a little light out of this sleep deprived tunnel.

Sorry for the ramble and big hugs to all you guys

Hope you're ok @LetTheBirdsSing

@Whereland, I second that. Hope you’re doing okay @LetTheBirdsSing. You know where we are xx

Hello everyone. Thank you for all the kind messages and I’m sorry I’ve not been around for a while. Things have been up and down but generally better since I last posted. I’m having weekly therapy sessions now. I’m not sure yet how helpful I’m finding it but I don’t think it can hurt!

I have some childcare for my toddler for a few hours a week so that gives me a bit of breathing space to keep on top of the house. I think I’m hesitating about nursery @ cptartapp because I don’t think I’d be allowed to do proper settling in sessions right now. He will be 3 next year and I’m hoping to get him into a local preschool in the spring if I can.

@SeaHollyDaiz that is so wonderful to hear that you’re coping better even though nights haven’t improved (I’m really sorry that they haven’t though). You hit the nail on the head for me about how difficult it is to have a half decent night followed by a dreadful night. I find that really difficult- going to bed and not knowing what I’m going to have to cope with.

@goosious how have things been since you l
posted? Waking every hour of the night is just brutal. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with that.

How are things at your end @Whereland? I am so hoping that you’ve been having some better nights.

@Kate3150 thank you so much for checking in on me

No news here for a while, how are things?

Not good @Whereland. How are you?

We keep having 2 hour wake ups in the night, DS only wants me and gets so worked up if DH tries to deal with him that there’s no point. Finding it mentally very tough that it’s all on me, and I’m tired and alone and worn out. Therapist is on sick leave at the moment. I can’t seem to get anything done like keeping on top of the house or sort Christmas presents for extended family. I turn my back for two minutes and the DC will make some spectacular mess...I feel really miserable. Sorry, nothing good to say.

No need to say sorry. I'm sorry to hear things are still really tough going. It's just SO draining when all they want is you.
Did the sleep consultant ever come on board?
We have actually just started working with ours. She's all about the routine during the day feeding into how the night goes

@LetTheBirdsSing I’ve just been settling in my DD into nursery and she has really enjoyed it. The difference having a few hours to myself had made is enormous. I really recommend it. The nursery has given DD lots of stimulation and a nurturing environment. Do give it some thought.

Feel like I’m going mad. DS has a tooth on its way so have calpol at bedtime. First stretch of sleep ok I think. Can’t really remember. Gave bottle of milk. Woke up 2-2.5 hours later. DH went in to give him a cuddle. That was nearly two hours ago and he’s not been back to sleep (and therefore neither have we). Gave more calpol, gave some more milk, tried to just cuddle, teething granules. Put him in the cot holding his hand which was ok for five minutes but then he became playful again, full on hysterics when I went “oww!” In surprise when he tried to bite my finger. Tried to just hold him on my chest. Gave up after about 20 minutes and came back to my room, nothing I did was settling him at all and I figured he was really overtired by now and might do better to just cry for a bit and conk out.

But he was crying hysterically and DH eventually went in. He’s there now. DH’s alarm for work is going off in about 15 mins and I’m pretty sure the baby will just start screaming again as soon as he’s put down.

I just feel so much anger. I’m so tired and yet another day stuck with the kids, feeling full of resentment for what my life has become. Any of my normal coping strategies just aren’t there. I don’t want to go for another sodding walk when it’s 5 degrees and raining outside. I’m so angry. So, so angry. I know I will spend the day losing my temper, feeling guilty and then losing it again. Feeling like a shit parent and a shit wife. It all feels so very hopeless. I am fully up for just leaving DS to cry indefinitely from now on. I don’t know what to do to get him to sleep and I have nothing left emotionally or physically. I never ever thought I would say that but I’m done, I’m so done.

Oh OP, I've just caught up on your last few posts and feel so bad for you. Just wish I could pop round and give you some real life respite rather than just a message on a forum.

My only thought at the moment is that it is worth giving medication a try. I absolutely 100% get that you are feeling like this due to lack of sleep and that logically taking pills for extreme sleep deprivation makes no sense. I went through something similar (work related) several years ago and felt I didn't need medication because there was a definite cause to my depression that could be remedied. However it made things so much more bearable in the meantime that I would really urge you to think about it. Trialling it for 6 weeks or so would not take any additional time or effort beyond the initial GP appointment and might give you a bit of a lift or at least let you see the wood for the trees.

I totally agree with giving an anti depressant a trial. No it won't solve any of the sleep issues but it can just give you a break from the awful feelings of despair and hopelessness. Would you give your gp a call?
Was the sleep consultant any help?

DH and I are disagreeing on how to deal with baby’s sleep. DH convinced that he’s waking due to teething and wants to give calpol at bedtime and every wake up.

Thursday night we gave calpol at bedtime and he woke up 3 hours later (and was awake for an hour) so I’m not convinced it’s teething related. DH gave calpol again at bedtime tonight (Friday) and he did sleep for 7 or 8 hours. I just gave him milk then and he’s crying 45 mins later. DH has said that “I’m on my own” in getting the baby back to sleep because I chose not to give calpol mixed in with his milk. There’s no way we can get him to take calpol without mixing in with his milk so I’m stuck now.

I explained that I chose not to because it didn’t result in a long stretch of sleep on Thursday night but no, this is now my problem. I said he could have troubled himself to do the night feed and put calpol in the milk if he was so bothered. What about being a team. So I’ve possibly made the wrong call but now I have to be the one stuck at 4am trying to settle the crying baby. How is that fair.

I feel really hesitant about medication. I am scared to take pills. It just doesn’t feel like the right choice for me. But I have been getting close to calling the GP again this week as I am definitely struggling. I just know that some unbroken sleep would make all the difference to me so it’s hard to want to try to go down a different route when I know that sleep would do it.

I haven’t spoken to the sleep consultant for a while. She gave me a plan to follow but from memory it was largely about trying to settle him in the cot without picking up. Would involve lots of tears and long periods of being awake and I just don’t have the energy for it right now. Did similar with DS1 and it was brutal but I only had one DC to look after and it was easier to rest a bit during the day. Now with two DC to look after (and toddler doesn’t nap) there is no way I have the energy and willpower to do it I don’t think.

Baby went quiet for five mins but is crying again 😓

Of course you must do what you feel is right re medication. So sorry your DH is being unhelpful, it doesn't sound fair at all. FWIW I wouldn't want to Calpol like he suggests either. It's a shame he won't understand your reservations about doing so.

OP i can honestly say I am in tears reading your posts. I was you 18 months ago. I tried everything. I was convinced my baby had CMPA or reflux or... SOMETHING. Everyday was governed by obsessing over his sleep. I was basically abusive towards DH. I just... existed.

I lasted til DS was 8 months and then we got a sleep consultant. I still worry about his sleep and am absolutely rigid about his routine but I'm a functioning adult again.

There is light. It WILL get better. You will think of something else. There will be a day your eyes dont hurt and you dont resent the rest of the world. But god I know how breaking it is at the time

Also I completely get what you mean about ADs. I kept thinking ' a tablet isnt going to help because what I need is sleep. I dont have PND, I'm depressed because I'm fucking exhausted and a nervous wreck'

Hi all I wondered if anyone knew Of 14 month old sleep regression. My daughter is just not settling at the moment she stays in the room with me, in her cot most of the time, but she’s just not sleeping well we have busy days and she only has an hour to an hour and a half nap during the day but I find it’s taking me hours to settle her at night . We have a normal routine bath at 7pm and bed by half 7 after we’ve read a book together, once she is asleep she soon wakes up if I’m not in the room and she also wakes up a couple of times during the night for a bottle. As a newborn this was not a problem she mostly slept through the night. Please If anyone has any advice I’m a single mother and I’m just really exhausted.

Also sorry I didn’t know how to start a new thread

@LetTheBirdsSing I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't getting any better, another phone call to the gp sounds like a good idea.

I'm thinking of doing the same currently, I can feel my mental health going completely down the toilet and know I'm being awful to my DH but am in the same boat as you, if I could just get some sleep I know I would be absolutely fine.

DD is 6.5 months old and has always been awful at night but recently is waking up after three hours and staying awake between 2-4 hours before resettling and then still wakes up every two hours. It's honestly driving me into the ground and I just don't know how to break this cycle. Today she also refused her naps and slept for a total of one hour through the whole day.

She is currently screaming in her cot as I write this as I just can't bring myself to be in her room with her. Fingers crossed it's only a two hour wake up tonight.